I got up from the ground after a few minutes of rest, knowing that any minute could be my last. Warren was kneeling right next to me, wondering how I managed to get so beat up and still be able to walk.
"This is nuts. How many sins did you take down?" Warren asked, tired.
"Two, with the exception of Sloth, whom I convinced to go back to Hell." I said.
"Great. Four sins to go, and we're getting no closer to beating these demons. We're so screwed." Warren said. Suddenly, a booming voice came from behind us.
"Correct mortal. You are indeed screwed." There was only one person in all of Hell that had that voice, and my eye twitched just thinking of him. Warren and I turned around and saw none other than the most insufferable, intolerable, absolutely insane person this side of the planet: Kanye West.
"Kanye, why are you here? You're not dead yet." I said. I instantly regretted saying that.
"Fool. I simply took this pitiful human's body as my own, since your blasphemous father destroyed mine." The voice said.
"Then who are you really?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.
The demon laughed, morphing Kanye's body and mind into some sickening mix of human and demon.
"How shameful of you to not remember me. I was once a powerful demon, until your father took the reins of Hell and steered it toward destruction. He would have gotten a medal of honor if he were human and I were still alive."
I looked creeped out, suddenly realizing who I was dealing with: Douglas MacArthur. This man was a terrible person, and had he still controlled Hell, this apocalypse would have happened sooner. My dad took over by beating MacArthur in a barroom brawl, and then destroyed MacArthur's body, sentencing him to never be able to create a new body.
"MacArthur." I said after a short silence.
"Yes, that's me. It is a good thing that my speaking voice has changed, so now nobody will notice that I was once some bloodthirsty general with a low intellect." He said, smiling.
"Blowhard." Warren said. I immediately started chuckling, which pissed off MacArthur. He suddenly broke open his arms and took out two bones to use as swords.
"Come at me, mortal scum." He challenged. I obliged him by drawing my sword and charging. He blocked every attack with an almost nightmarish level of skill, almost as if I was nothing more than a novice with a badass sword. He then kicked me in the gut and I flew into a building's foundations, doubling over in absolute pain.
"Jason!" Warren said. "Damn you." Warren lit himself on fire, then began to brawl with MacArthur hand to hand. I got up slowly, blood flowing from my mouth from the hard hits I took. I realized that MacArthur was very angry. He was the embodiment of Wrath, the strongest sin ever. It took a miracle for my father to beat MacArthur the first time, and that was because of an assist by one of the other demons. This time, it's just me, Warren, and MacArthur.
'What am I going to do? Wrath is the strongest circle in Hell, and every time a soul from there fights of gets angry, it gets stronger. I can't sic the ghosts of the Bonus Army on him because they're in Heaven, and there are seals there to prevent any demons or spawn of Satan from entering.
"Need some help?" A sweet voice said. I turned around, hoping the voice didn't belong to my mom. It didn't, which was a good thing, but the very person that did is even worse. It was Milla Jovovich. I looked stunned, thinking that I was most likely still inside of my room, most likely asleep. But I wasn't.
"Yeah. Wait, can you actually fight a demon?" I asked.
She took out two musket pistols, and had a determined smile on her face. "It's worth a shot." She ran off toward the fight, aiming the pistols at MacArthur. Then she fired, and bullets covered in holy water came out of the barrels, hitting three vital spots on MacArthur's body. He shrieked in pain and agony, writhing so he could somehow dislodge the poisonous ammunition. He couldn't, and before he could even get up, Milla stepped on MacArthur's neck, aiming her gun at the creature's head.
"Do svidaniya, jarhead." She said, pulling the trigger and destroying MacArthur. Oddly enough, Kanye was killed too, so it was a double whammy.
She walked toward me and said this. "You owe me one." Then walked away.
I looked at the body of Kanye/MacArthur and thought 'Damn. Earth is weird.'