D&D #15
I found a broken sewer pipe where I could wash the remains of Snooki from my body, then found a clothing store where I grabbed a black long-sleeved shirt, steel-gray jeans, and a belt with fake bullets on it. I then grabbed my sword and walked into the center of town with Warren. It was abandoned, with charred rubble from the buildings and broken chunks of earth littering the streets. There were also some bodies that were around as well, but there was something strange about them. They were lined up in order of height, like a human xylophone.
It was unnatural for something like this to happen unless...
Suddenly, my eyes opened wide. This was no normal mass of bodies. Two unearthy beings did this. One to kill these people based upon their height, and another to line them up. I looked around the rest of the place to find out who did this, as I had no clue. Then Warren called out to me.
"Jason! Come see this!"
I quickly ran to him. He was standing in front of a billboard with the words 'Democrats suck!' and 'Liberal scum!' written over the picture of Obama. I figured out who did this after reading it, and I didn't like mentioning his name because he was an idiot above all idiots, but I said it aloud anyway.
"George W. Bush and Herbert Hoover, aka Pride and Greed." Those two were the prime contributors to the deaths of thousands of people, along with also being the only two sins that could walk amongst the living. Dammit.
Almost immediately, a sack of quarters had been thrown in my direction, and it had a string attached to it. Warren saw the string as well, so he lit it up and we followed the spark toward its source: a homeless shelter. (Oh, the irony.) We walked in and saw Hoover and Bush brandishing guns at us. Warren and I charged at the two sins and it soon became obvious that both sides were evenly matched. I was fighting with Bush, using a mix of drunken boxing and Jiu-Jitsu to take him down, but he just copied my movements to the letter and blocked every strike. It was then that I realized that they were stalling for time while Enma-O was being revived.
'Damn. How did I fall for this?' I thought to myself. Suddenly, Dubya grabbed a broken chunk of pillar and threw it at my head with sickening accuracy, but I kicked it away and did something WWE warns you not to do: Try it at home. I kicked Bush in the gut, put his arms behind his back, and used Triple H's Pedigree finisher to beat him. Hoover was barely putting up a fight against Warren, who was using Krav Maga to wear the former president down. In fact, Hoover slipped on a rock while dodging a punch, and Warren took the opportunity to light his fist on fire and blast a gaping hole through Hoover's skull.
He got up and took a deep breath afterwards, and I clapped at the performance. Warren just nodded, because he saw me use a wrestling move on a former president. The duo of fools dispersed into smoke, and just as Warren was stretching, a booming voice shook the shelter.
"PITIFUL HUMAN SCUM, COWER IN FEAR OF YOUR NEW GOD, ENMA-O!"
Warren and I looked at each other, then ran outside. What we saw was monstrous: A pale-skinned giant wearing a robe and hat from the Feudal Era of Japan, which were both purple and white, and was holding a club made of bone and blackened iron.
"You've got to be shitting me."