Okay, okay, I know I've said I'm definitely making this a two shot, blah blah blah, but my friend and some of you convinced me to make this a full story so I'm doing that. This chapter is a little more emotional/ has more feelings involved/is fluffier so I hope you'll like it! But there isn't a lot of Sashay in this chapter, just a warning. By the way, this isn't really realistic though, I mean I don't imagine Shay acting like this but whatever. Oh, and I'm sorry for any mistakes. Have a nice day, lovelies. x Tess

It's been three weeks since she broke up with him. Three weeks. And I still haven't had the courage to say something about it. But then again, how could I? Every time Sasha and I had a moment like in the showers, she runs away as fast as she can. It makes me think that it has something to do with me, am I not good enough for her? But why would she break up with Hudson? She said she wanted to be just friends with me – well something a little bit more than that, but still. I don't even know if she ended their relationship for me, maybe there's even someone else. I hope not, I don't think I'll be able to handle seeing her with someone else but me. It makes my heart ache just by thinking of it and I start to feel this empty feeling in my chest again, like I have no emotion at all, but every emotion at the same time. I know Hudson really loved her and he was good guy, so that made it a little easier for me, but it still sucked. After all I only want Sasha to be happy and if she is happy with another person than me, then so be it. But I swear, if she was dating me, I would treat her better than all those stupid boys she's dated. I would treat her like an actual princess - the princess that she is. I would take her out on nice dates, not caring how much money gets spent. She's worth every single dollar I own – and even if I say so myself, that's a lot of dollars. I hear Sammy yell at me from downstairs and I wake up from my daydream.

'What?!', I yell at her, because I didn't hear her the first time.

'Shay, you better get your lazy ass out of bed and get dressed. It's boxing time!', she screams for the second time.

'It's fucking seven in the morning on a Saturday!', I yell back.

'Get over it, softie!'

Somewhere in me I was happy I could go boxing, to let all the frustration out. Some people write, some make music, some go hiking, but I box. I yell back that I'll be down in a sec and I sit up straight on my queen sized twin bed. I let my head hang down and close my eyes. Both of my hands find the top of my head and my fingers tangle themselves in my long, thick, dark brown hair. I'm still tired as fuck, I didn't get much sleep last night because I stayed up late thinking about Sasha again. After a short minute I realize I'm half asleep again and I get up before I fully pass out. I walk to my walk-in closet and pick out a workout outfit. I have about forty different pairs of gym shoes, so that's always a very, very, very hard decision for me. Today I decide to go for my black Nike free TR 5's to represent my soul. Just kidding. I think.

'Do you want some of these blueberries?'

'Yeah whatever, just throw everything in the blender, it will probably come out OK.', I reply nonchalantly to Sammy.

'You're the queen of making smoothies, Shay.', she comments sarcastically.

'Oh, I know.'

'Shay, I swear if there was a human version of the smirk emoji, you'd be it.', she says, making fun of my smirk.

'That doesn't even make sense.', I laugh.

'Whatever.'

I sit down on the kitchen counter while Sammy mixes all the fruits she put in the blender.

'Hey, I saw you working out earlier, it was pretty intensive, wasn't it?', she asks.

'Yeah. I had a lot on my mind and I was just… letting it all out.', I say while I rub my neck. It's still a little sore from all the sit-ups I did.

'Shay. Tell me this isn't about Sasha again.'

Silence.

'Oh, my god! You seriously need to get over her!'

'Don't you think I'm trying?!', I say with an sudden angry tone that kind of surprises me, 'It doesn't really help that she's basically using me as a sex doll either! God!'

Mid-sentence I feel myself crying. I don't even know why. All the anger, all the sadness, I can't hold it in anymore. I look down at the ground and see my tears fall.

'Hey. Come here.', I hear Sammy softly say. I look up at her and her arms are opened and inviting me for a hug. I get off the counter and let myself be embraced by her arms. I rest my head on her shoulder and silently sniff every now and then.

'I'm sorry.', I mumble into her shirt.

'It's okay. Shh.', she reassures and she slowly rubs my back.

After a few minutes I'm calmed down and I pull away.

'How are you going to handle seeing her today if you're already a mess like this right now?', she says while wiping my tears off my cheek with her thumb.

'What do you mean?', I say cautiously, 'I don't have to work today, do I?'

I'm starting to panic now.

'No no, but the diner is today. You know, with the cast?'

I look at her with shocked eyes. Shit, I totally forgot that was today. Fuck fuck fuck.

'You didn't know.'

'No.', I say, fear very clearly readable from my face and the tone I'm talking in.

'How am I.. how am I going to be able to see her?', I say, my tears threatening to fall again.

'You'll be fine. We're just gonna make you look extra beautiful tonight so she'll be blown away by how pretty you are and she'll hate herself for not dating you already. OK?'

'Okay.', I sigh.

'I got to go now, Shay.', she looks on her watch. 'I'll be back later, yeah?'

'Yeah, okay. I'll be fine. Oh, and Sammy?', I ask.

'Yes?'

'Thank you.'

'It's okay, honey. Now go relax a little, get your shit together so you can show who's the real boss to Sasha.'

'Alright.', I say, 'Bye.'

'Byeee.', she half sings and walks out the kitchen door.

And now what.

I decide to drink the smoothie Sammy just made and watch yet another episode of Orphan Black. Ever since Sasha and I watched to pilot together I've been obsessed with it. I sigh thinking back on that day. I think to myself: 'Would I still have kissed her if I knew where it would get me, where I am now?' Hell fucking yes. I would. As fucked up this situation will get, I will never regret kissing her. Ever. Suddenly the doorbell rings and Angel jumps up and when I look up she is already running to the door.

'Ange!'

I manage to keep her in the living room while I slip out to open the front door. I wonder who it is, but I look like shit so they just have to deal with that. Click. I pull the door handle and I look who decided to come visit me on this day.

'Oh hi, Troian! I didn't expect to see you here.', I say surprised and slightly confused.

'Oh, I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd surprise you. I brought donuts.', she says raising the box she's holding.

Then she looks down. I first don't realize what's wrong so I look where she's looking at.

'Oh, uh. Yeah uhm I was just- never mind come in.', I say trying to hide the embarrassment, because I am wearing my pizza onesie. Yep. I don't really care, though. It's not like she didn't know from the existence of my eternal love for pizza already, right? I step aside so she can come in and I close the door behind her.

'Hey Angel! Hey baby!', I hear Troian say in a baby-voice from the living room.

I walk in on her petting Angel and I smile. I love dogs, they have no worries at all. They just lay around all day, being lazy. I wish I could have that.

'I was just about to watch Orphan Black, we can still watch it?', I half ask, half state.

She agrees and while she takes off her coat I start Netflix and check my phone. I see Ashley tweeted 'Excited to see my baby shaymitch today xx #ButtahBenzo' and I sigh. I forgot about the dinner for a second.

'Are you gonna bring Patrick tonight?', I ask Troian. Patrick Adams is Troian's fiancé and he's in LA this month, so I already know she's gonna bring him, but I just want to start a conversation to keep Sasha off my mind.

'Yep,', suddenly she's smiling really brightly, 'he is my date.'

Obviously.

'Speaking of, everyone has a date except you!', she laughs at me.

At first I laugh too, but then my smile fades away when I realize what she really said.

'A- All of you?'

Please, no. Oh, god, no.

'Yeah, Lucy's bringing Anthony, I'm bringing Patrick, Ashley's bringing Keegan-'

'Keegan?! When did that happen?'

'Easy. I was gonna say as friends, just let me finish.'

Sometimes her stubbornness really annoys me.

'And then we have baby Sasha.', she says and looks at her phone.

My head pops up and suddenly my pulse is racing.

'Does she- does she have a date as well?'

I try to play it cool, but it's hard. I hope Troian doesn't notice it.

'Yeah, she's bringing that new co-star, what's his name again?'

I don't say anything.

'Oh yeah, Travis.', she says like she's not interested, probably still too distracted by her phone.

She looks at me and I try my best to look happy for her. Eventually I manage to do so and gladly Troian doesn't realize my smile's fake. Out of all people, all people on this world, she chooses him! That sexist fuckboy! Now I'm even more looking forward to that amazing, shitty dinner. Jesus Christ. Just at the thought of them together I want to puke. I already nearly did when I saw them acting, but when it's not acting… I didn't even realize I was balling my fists. I look down at my hand and my knuckles are turning a light shade of yellow. I quickly stop before Troian sees me. I try to act as cool and relaxed as I can throughout the episode of Orphan Black, but deep inside I want to kill a person. Travis, to be precisely. When the episode's over Troian says she needs to head back home because she hasn't picked out an outfit yet. Of course.

'See you tonight.', she says and then hugs me.

'See you tonight.', I repeat and hug her back.

'Don't worry about the date thing.', she tells me. I'm shocked for a second. Does she know about Sasha?

'What?'

'The fact that you don't have a date but everyone else does?'

'Oh that. No, that's okay.' Phew.

We say goodbye again and I walk her to the door. When she's finally gone and after I've closed the door, I let out a long sigh. I walk back to the couch and lay down. Angel comes over to me and climbs on the couch too. She silently lays down and sighs. After minutes I feel myself slowly drifting off into a deep, peaceful sleep. My last thought is that I'm just gonna go to that stupid dinner and act like I don't give a shit. Sasha and her new love can fuck off. My eyes slowly close and my problems fade away.

'Shay? Shay, wake up.'

I feel someone shaking me and I slowly open my eyes. At first the bright light hits me and I rub my eyes.

'Wake up. You have to get ready.'

'Sammy? What time is it, how long did I sleep?', I ask with a raspy voice.

'A few hours. You need to be ready in a hour and a half.'

'What?!', I say, quickly sitting up. Ouch my neck.

'You heard me right.', she says, 'Now hurry up and get dressed, the makeup artist will be here in-', she looks on her horologe, '15 minutes.'

'Yes, ma'am.', I joke and she playfully pushes me.

'Are you going to be alright, though?', she seriously asks me.

'Is this about Sasha? Then no, I don't think so, but I'm gonna try my best to look like I am.'

'Okay. Just call me if something happens.' She gives me a sympathetic look. 'But now you really need to go change, I laid the dress on your bed.'

'Thanks.'

And there I go, hurrying upstairs and ready – or not so ready - for what's about to happen this night.

An hour, a few layers of makeup and a shit ton of Sammy commands later, I finally sit in the car, driving to the restaurant. I am extremely nervous and I haven't eaten anything since one pm. It's now seven pm. Since my chauffeur is driving me today, I close my eyes to calm down for a second. I seriously don't know if I'm going to keep my shit together when I see them, but I'm just gonna try. Just count to ten and forget that they're there. A Lana Del Rey song is playing on the radio and I look out the window. I see yellow street lamps flashing by every second and I'm mesmerized by the beauty of the pink sunset that's happening in the sky right now. If someone asked me what my favorite place is, I would say this is it. I don't like the big parties and celebrity stuff, I actually just like silent places where I can be myself. Like this. Throughout the whole drive I stare at the sky and I just forget everything for a second. But then the car stops and every memory comes back to me again. My nerves are killing me at this point.

'Here is it.', I hear my chauffeur say.

He speaks in a thick Russian accent so he pronounces the i's as ee's. I never noticed until now. Wow. I thank him and get out the car. I straighten my dress – it's long, black and my shoulders are bare – and I look up. In front of me I see hundreds of Christmas lights. The restaurant looks cozy, yet very chic. I walk inside and the smell of fresh baked food and all sorts of herbs hits me hard. I like it, though. I see Marlene standing on the left, in front of a big table and she waves at me. I wave back and walk over to the table. I quickly check if Sasha's there already. Gladly, she's not.

'Shay, over here!'

I see Ashley has saved a seat for me right next to hers.

'Hey!', I say loud enough for her to hear me over the people chatting and laughing.

I sit down next to her and start talking about small things with her. You know, the weather, how nice this place is, what we're gonna eat. Stuff like that. I didn't even realize the happy couple walked in while I was so busy talking to Ash. I look over to my left and the first thing I see is Sasha in a beautiful silver colored dress. I'm speechless. The dress shows off her curves and throws light on her prettiest features. She is stunning, it's like the world has stopped and everything is moving in slow motion. I can't take my eyes off her. Then she catches me staring at her. We make eye contact for maybe half a second, but I quickly look away. Her and Travis sit down on the seats in front of me, but not immediately, they're sitting a bit more to the left. Now everyone's here. We're waiting for the waiters to come get our orders and I'm trying so hard not to look at, you know, them. I can't control myself and I turn my head. I catch them just in the act. His hands holding her cheeks, like I did, a couple of weeks ago in my dressing room. This kiss is even more gross than Alison and Lorenzo's. When they pull away he runs his finger over her cheek and smirks at her. I can't take this, I feel like I'm gonna be sick. My head is spinning and I have the feeling I can gonna break out in tears any moment. I excuse myself from the table and sprint to the toilets, bumping into a few people on the way.

'Hey, watch where you're going!'

I don't react and keep walking to the bathroom. When I'm finally there I look under the stalls to check if no one's there. To my relief there's nobody and I lean against the wall, now letting the tears stream down my face. I thought it would be easier, but I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. My body slides down and I'm now sitting on the ground. My sniffs and gasps for air are suddenly interrupted by the sound of the bathroom door opening. I look up to see who came in and I start to laugh. How ironic.

'Just who I wanted to come after me!', I joke sarcastically through my tears.

'What's wrong?', Sasha asks me and starts to walk over to me but stops when I start to yell.

'What is wrong?! What the fuck is wrong?!', I can't play nice and I'm not even going to try at this point. I stand up so I'm face to face with her. So she can see every emotion, every tear.

'Well, let me start at the beginning. We hooked up, you ran away leaving me question what I had done. Then you occasionally hook up with me again and tell me not to mention your now ex boyfriend's name, which gave me hope of actually having a chance of being with you. Then you run away every time. Then you fucking break up with your boyfriend and let me think that you did it for me, but then you actually didn't do it for me, but for Travis.', I emphasize the Travis.

'Oh, and also not to mention the making out in front of my face. Thanks for that.'

My sadness is now all replaced with anger. I see Sasha's expressions change and that makes me think that she's about to start a rant, too.

'Okay, to clear this up. I fucking ran away each time because I couldn't admit to myself that I have feelings for you! I told you not to mention Hudson just for the reason you wanted me to! I brought Travis to let everyone think I didn't actually wanted to go with you! I only hooked up with you because I wanted to act like I only cared about having you sexually, but in reality I want more than that. I want you to be mine, but I was scared to admit it!', she fights back.

Tears roll down her cheeks and her breathing is hard.

'I only want you to be mine.', she repeats, but this time in a softer way.

I don't even say anything. I walk over to her and slam my lips on hers. Fireworks explode all inside my body. This kiss isn't like the others, no. This one has feelings, passion. No lust. Only pure honesty and love. It feels like the kiss lasts forever and I am enjoying every moment of it. I feel my hands in her hair and her hands find my hips. When we pull away to catch our breaths from the breathtaking kiss we shared, we lean our foreheads together. My eyes are still closed and hers too. We both smile.

'Mine.', I whisper just loud enough for her to hear it.