Warnings: Eventual Johnlock slash (Rating could go up), beta'd now, I'm not British, Bullying, Mentions of drug abuse, AU
Disclaimer: I don't own Sherlock.
Special Thanks: Anne my lovely Beta, who keeps reassuring me and giving me wonderful advice!
More notes at the end of Chapter.
John believes what everyone else has said. 'I know you don't feel that way about me. You probably haven't felt that way about anyone before.' Those words in particular hurt the most. People always assume that Sherlock doesn't have a heart or can't possibly have any feelings due to the fact that some deity or almighty creator decided that Sherlock doesn't deserve a soul mate.
Sherlock, when John had kissed him, had truly been too shocked to do anything. His school mates had often made the joke that he was a virgin. They unfortunately, no matter how idiotic or incorrect their deductions were, were correct. He didn't understand the social etiquette involved with kissing. 'Where am I supposed to put my hands? What is he doing with his mouth? What do I do with my mouth?!' Where just a few that were running rampant throughout his mind. When the kiss had ended Sherlock, despite feeling overwhelmed, had enjoyed the connection he could feel with John. It was as if an electric spark shot throughout his nervous system drawing them together. Yet...John wanted him to delete it. John doesn't care about Sherlock the way Sherlock cares about John. John is Sherlock's weak point, his college, his partner, his friend… His best friend.
But John has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't really care about him. No, John doesn't love Sherlock and Sherlock can't love.
At that, Sherlock's entire body goes rigid and his eyes turn to steel. 'Fine!' Sherlock thinks, 'Two can play this game. I'll make John leave. I don't need him around. I can function perfectly fine without him here!' Although Sherlock refuses to think of the time that was before John. Those times were filled with loneliness and reprimandments. But Sherlock had lived that way before, and he can do so again.
The perfect opportunity arose when he met the Dominatrix and Femme Fatale Irene Adler. Irene was very similar to Sherlock. Aside from Moriarty, her mind had been the greatest match to his own. She was an enigma, a puzzle, that deserved, no needed, to be solved. Although she had been connected, like many others, with the sacred red thread, she seemed to genuinely like Sherlock. The best part about Ms. Adler's appearance was that she made John jealous.
In the end, the women, was defeated by sentiment. She had been a worthy adversary and it had been fun watching John squirm but, like every case Sherlock has been assigned to, it was solved and came to an untimely end.
"Oh dear God. Look at the poor man. You didn't actually think I was interested in you, did you? Why, because you're Sherlock Holmes, the clever detective in the funny hat?" Irene says with a self-satisfied smirk that is painted upon her red lips.
Sherlock waits for just a moment before saying, "No... because I took your pulse, and I waited. And your pupils dilated. I imagine John Watson thinks love's a mystery to me," Sherlock remembers briefly a conversation about love that entails kisses and smiles bitterly while he retrieves her phone. "But the chemistry is incredibly simple and very destructive. When we first met you told that a disguise is always a self-portrait; how true of you. The combination to your safe - your measurements but this, this is far more, this is your heart," Sherlock Inserts a letter, "And you should never let it rule your head. You could have chosen any random number and walked out of here today with everything you've worked for," He inserts another letter. "But you just couldn't resist it, could you? I've always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage." Another. "Thank you for the final proof." He inserts the final letter of the code and the phone unlocks.
Sherlock denies Irene's plea for protection but would later rescue her from a terrorist cell in Pakistan and then cut all ties with the mysterious woman. Mycroft tells John of Irene's 'death' and John lies about her passing to spare Sherlock's feelings. Which is ridiculous. She was a challenge, and nothing more. John had some misconception that Sherlock had feelings about the woman. Which is, again, another ridiculous statement due to the fact that Sherlock can't feel.
'Sherlock is ignoring me.' The thought comes to John after the fifth flash of dark curls that quickly turn around and go in the opposite direction than originally intended. At first John had thought Sherlock had been on a case. It was common for Sherlock to disappear throughout the course of the day and then return at ungodly hours only to torture his violin, but John began to notice the lack of a sprawled out detective on the sofa, or case notes cluttering the coffee table.
Soon, the violin music stops as well. That is what finally clues John in.
If you would have told John three months earlier that he would miss mold in the kettle, eyeballs in the microwave, or the sound of his handgun going off when the flat had gone mostly silent ( and would most likely give John a heart attack at the most inconvenient times). He would have first raised a skeptical eyebrow and then proceed to laugh at that absurd notion. Though, that is exactly what John is doing. He is missing all those things, yes, but, above that, he misses the genius detective.
He can try to convince himself that everything is alright, or that he hasn't completely broken some unspoken trust Sherlock has placed in him, but the lies he tells himself all come to a screeching halt one night, when John's eyes flash open and he rises quickly out of bed screaming due to nightmares of gangly, pale limbs that are crumbled, crushed that mingle with the odd sensation of falling.
Sherlock wasn't ignoring John. No, he absolutely was not ignoring John (No matter what Mycroft says). Sherlock just happened to remember he had to do something in a totally different room that John was in. Although, when Sherlock was held up in his room not ignoring John, he would have to admit, if only to himself, that John could possibly get that idea due to Sherlock's lack of appearances. Sherlock knew John's nightmares are back. The walls were terribly thin and John's room was directly above his. It wasn't a hard thing to deduce, but Sherlock couldn't bring himself to care at the moment.
He has been having a hard time believing John could be so cruel. He had expected as much from Sally or Anderson, but never John. He had been told throughout his life that he never deserved love, or a mate. He had finally thought he had found someone who he could love despite them not being his soul mate.
John is tired of living as if he is balanced upon a scale. Sometimes it's as if Sherlock absolutely loathes his existence. At those moments the scale topples over and John hangs precariously on the edge. Then Sherlock would say something sentimental like, "I don't have friends. I've just got one." Of course the scale would then tip in John's favor. He, then, would feel as his portion of the scale surpasses the other in soaring heights. He could touch the stars.
But John wanted the to clear up any uncharted waters. He was tired of analyzing every world Sherlock said for some unspoken meaning. He was determined to put everything out on the table and either try to move on or see where this could take them. This is it.
"Sherlock, we need to talk."
Notes: Sherlock still seems a bit OOC but I am working to get him away from that. I have a reason for it, but it will take a few chapters to get to that (maybe less). Yes, I did insert a quote from 'The Hounds of Baskerville'. Am I sorry? Nope :)! I thought that was adorable.
Anyway, Next couple of chapters: More angst. If you have been keeping up with the progression of cases, then you will notice what will be next. This story will not be season three compatible. I don't like Mary. At ALL and I refuse to add her in here. She will only be mentioned in passing or if mentioned, as a way to get over what is about to happen. I will make references to some things that have happened in season three, but nothing more. Thank you to all my readers and followers! I hope you like the story so far!
To my lovely reviewers: Thank you for the lovely comments! I seriously enjoy reading them. I'm going to try and answer them all in one go (I forgot to do that on previous chapters). There will be more to come shortly. I love our boys to death and I believe they were made for each other! And Yes, Poor Sherlock! No body understands him. *sighs* Maybe John will kiss it and make it better... *hint, hint* ;) Again, Thank you to my reviewers and my lovely viewers! I'm only 5 chapters in and I have at least 1000+ viewers. That means something to me (maybe not to others but it does to me :D)