His life became even more meaningless than before. Kanda just can't remember what gave his life any meaning before Lavi. It's so pathetic that his world revolves around one person. And that person doesn't even love him anymore. He's not even sure if that person has ever loved him at all.
Maybe if he'd been reborn as a girl, Lavi would love him. Now he hated the Order more. They made his life miserable. They took away everything he loved, and they keep taking away everything he loves.
Kanda remembered making a promise. He'd destroy the Order. This promise kept him alive. But right now he lacks the motivation to stay alive. There's no reason for him to do so, right?
Secretly he was waiting. For what? He doesn't have an answer. Maybe a miracle or good fate. Kanda knows he doesn't deserve good things to happen to him. But maybe just for once… just this time? Lavi could walk in and tell him, it's okay and he loves him?
He punches a wall. He punches it again, and again, until he stops feeling his hands. Blood drips from the tip of his fingers. He'll have to clean this mess up later. But for now he starts crying.
He's been holding his tears back for so long, now it's flowing like water. Warm liquids mix together and dirty his clothes. He'll have to wash them too.
Sudden realization hits Kanda. Why does he have to clean up after himself? Why does he have to clean his clothes? If he'd just stop living, he wouldn't have any responsibility anymore. He could do anything he wants, and then just die already. Sounds nice, doesn't it?
What would Lavi do if he found Kanda dead? Would he shed a tear? Would he be in pain? Would he mourn him? Or he'd just accept it and move on? Of course, he wouldn't care, he doesn't even love him.
That's it. Kanda doesn't want to live a wretched life like this. He's sick of being fucked up, he hates being the object of pity. He'll gather the left of his dignity and ends it right here, right now.
Kanda grabs Mugen and turns it against himself. His palms are sweaty, with already dried blood. His hands shake a bit, but isn't all of his body shaking? He raises the sword and strikes down.
He coughs up blood. It hurts. And it's warm. He's not shaking anymore; he's done what's needed to be done.
The ground is cold, where Kanda lies. Everything becomes cold. He's getting cold. He shifts into a contemplating state, all his worries are gone, and he is calm and happy. Now it's going to end soon, he doesn't have to suffer anymore.
It's getting darker around him. What time of the day was it, again? Evening? That'd explain the darkness. Kanda sees his own blood on the floor. It's so much. So much blood, half of his room is bloody. And it's black.
He can't keep his eyes open for much longer. He traces his fingers on Mugen's hilt for one last time before his hands hit the ground. His vision blurs and Kanda's not conscious anymore.