Pain. Incredibly unbearable pain. It's the first thing Kanda notes. He feels so painful, it's killing him. Does that mean he's not dead yet? If he can be killed by this pain, he can't be dead, right? How is that possible? He killed himself. He liberated himself from his miseries. Did he resurrect? Did the Order resurrected him again?!
He's so angry, he wants to spring up and slaughter the whole Order. He flinches, and it hurts even more. He hears some noises very close to him, but for now, he can't open his eyes, he feels so tired. He hears people calling his name, asking if he feels okay. He wants to laugh. No, he doesn't feel okay. It mostly feels like he was torn apart and put back together like a million times. And he's alive.
It sinks in slowly, but now Kanda's aware that he's still alive. He can't tell, how is it possible, but he's sure of it. Then he hears a very familiar voice that makes his heart ache. The voice asks him if he remembers what's happened. He asks him, why he did this to himself.
Kanda wants to yell that he is the reason so stop asking. But he just doesn't feel motivated enough to open his mouth and speak.
Some time passes like this, Kanda stays silent, eyes closed. People around him come and go, but he can feel Lavi's presence the whole time. How much time exactly passes, he can't tell. A lot. Maybe days. He falls asleep and he wakes up, but nothing changes. The pain is not that unbearable lately.
One day he wakes up, and opens his eyes as an old habit. It's the first time since he killed himself. He just forgot to keep them closed. Now that it happened, Kanda takes the opportunity to look around. As he guessed, he's in the infirmary, and Lavi is sitting on a chair next to his bed. His head is resting on the side of Kanda's bed, his soft red hair brushes Kanda's hand. He jolts and pulls his hand back, but he wakes Lavi with the movement. For a couple of long seconds they just stare at each other like two deer when they see hunters approaching.
Lavi speaks first. He calls Kanda's name – his first name – as he always did. Kanda blinks a few times before he realizes the situation and averts his eyes. The redhead calls him again and asks him if he feels all right. Kanda nods. His ex-lover stares at him for a while in silence before he lavishes a flow of questions on Kanda. Why did he do it? Did he want to die? Why did he want to die? What would have happened if he kills himself? Didn't he think about Lavi?
Kanda snorts. The only thing he thought about was Lavi. His head starts throbbing with pain. Lavi notices and asks if everything's fine, if Kanda's hurt somewhere. He can't take this anymore.
Why is Lavi even there? Why does he care? He should just leave him alone. Kanda tells him to. Lavi's eye widens, his jaw drops. He starts shouting at Kanda. He calls him stupid and he looks like he's about to cry.
Kanda doesn't understand a thing now. Finally he asks Lavi, why does he care. The other hides his now red face behind his hand and answers quietly.
'Because I love you.'
Kanda isn't sure if he heard it right. It sounded weird. Like Lavi told him he loves him. But that's not the case, right? Lavi broke up with him. Because Lavi doesn't love him, he likes girls with soft chests.
He gets angry at him and tells him to stop joking and leave him alone. It seems like Lavi gets angry as well. He stands up and pushes Kanda into his bed, which hurts, but Kanda doesn't notice it.
Lavi kisses him and hugs him so tight, it's suffocating. Kanda freezes. He still doesn't understand anything. Then Lavi murmurs into his ears. He tells him that he loves him more than his life, that he would do anything for him, but if Kanda doesn't tell him what's wrong, he's helpless and watching Kanda suffering is like hell to him, but even if he beats himself up, he has no clue about what he could to for Kanda.
They stay like that for long. It's not like cuddling, Lavi just holds him, protecting him for the cruelness of the world, shielding him with his own body. Because Lavi loves him. He said so, at least. Even though Kanda is a man, not a girl. Even though Kanda is a wreck, he's fucked up and is the worst, always hurting Lavi. But Lavi said, it's okay. He said, they'll figure out everything and they'll be happy together.
What Kanda feels now is indescribable. His soul feels warm. He feels so in love, it's almost painful. But this pain is different from what he felt when he woke up. This pain is pleasure at the same time. Because Lavi loves him. It's still strange and unbelievable, but Lavi tells him this so many times, eventually he starts believing it.
His worries seem so distant now. For now. Kanda is sure, his suffering doesn't end here. But he has to try. He has to try finding answers and telling Lavi the things that bother him. It's a start of a long road he has to walk. But he doesn't have to walk alone.