Dawn I'm Afraid & Welcome Back Party

Five Weeks After Memory Returned – Sam's Apartment – Wednesday 7:00 am

Glass breaking followed by a thump in Blondie's bathroom was heard by Mason. He raced into the room and found the bathroom door closed "Blondie, everything okay?"

No answer.

He knocked on the door "Blondie, I heard glass break. You need a broom or something?"

No answer.

Mason tried the door. Locked. "Blondie open up now or answer me."

No answer.

Mason drove his shoulder into the door and it popped open part way. Blondie was on the floor blocking the door from opening all the way.

Zach was in the other bathroom showering so Mason bellowed out "Zach come here now."

Then Mason pushed the door open enough to enter and knelt down. His voice softening but urgent "Blondie? Hey kid it's me Mason."

Blondie's eyes were vacant but open and his hand was on his chest over the scar.

The urgent bellow was heard over the running water. Zach slammed the water off, grabbed a towel and ran. Coming to a halt in Sam's bedroom a sopping wet Zach wrapped the towel around himself.

He wiped away the water dripping from his hair into his eyes with one hand as he said "Mason what the hell?" He saw Sam on the floor of the bathroom with shards of glass surrounding him.

Zach moved forward mindful where he placed his bare feet "Sam? Sam?" He snapped his fingers twice in front of his face. No response. "Let's get him outta the bathroom. Can you put him on the bed?"

"Blondie, I'm going to move you okay?" No response.

Mason cautiously lifted Blondie and placed him on the bed. Mason checked his vitals, all were fine. Then he clapped his hands loudly in front of his face. No blink and not even a flinch. Damn not catatonic again Mason thought.

Zach looked at Mason with a bewildered expression.

Mason's voice was concerned but calm "Zach I don't know what's triggered this. But I've seen him like this once before. It was bad. Matt was the only one to get through and that was after three weeks."

"I'm calling Dr. Tansy. Maybe Dawn has a clue what to do" Zach stated as he left the room to get his phone.

Mason sat on the bed next to Blondie. "Hey Blondie, come on snap out of it kid. You're scaring me again. Everything was going good. Come on Sunshine."

He lightly tapped Blondie's cheek but got no reaction. Mason blew out a breath, not again he thought, not again. The last time was after the rescued him and he wanted to die. He was not sure he could handle this again. What the hell triggered it this time?

Zach came back in and spoke quietly "Dawn's on her way. She can't be certain but she thinks he may have tapped a memory of something deeply traumatic. Said to just keep an eye on him until she gets here. She'll be here in thirty or forty minutes depending on traffic."

"Dawn also said to call EMS if anything physical happens. If he comes out of the catatonic state before she gets here we are to keep things quiet and calm. She said we can ask him what he remembers but not to push him for any details. She'll handle that when she arrives" Zach said in a rush.

"Okay" Mason said not taking his eyes off Blondie. "Grab a pair of sweats for him. Don't think he'd appreciate meeting with Dawn in his boxers."

They dressed him and Zach said "Don't think Dawn would appreciate meeting me in a towel either. Gonna dress then clean up the glass."

Mason nodded his eyes not leaving Blondie. He was scared. What caused the catatonic state this time? Blondie was doing so well. Mason begged silently for Blondie to snap out of it.

Several minutes later Sam's hand slowly moved from its position at his side up to his chest. It went directly to and traced the scar.

Mason watched the slow movements. He thought at least he is moving. That is different than last time. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad this time.

Zach came in and saw what was happening. Dawn must be right he thought. Sadly he moved to clear up the glass. Sam was likely remembering all the events surrounding when he got shot at Aaron's funeral. A chill went down his back as the image of Sam hooked up to all the tubes and lines in the ICU crossed his mind. That had been traumatic for everyone.

A few ragged breaths came from Sam and his eyes blinked back to life. Confusion at being on the bed and Mason staring at him was written on his face "Mason?"

"Yeah, Blondie?" Mason replied softly.

Sam turned at a sound and saw Zach sweeping up glass "Ah crap. What happened?" he said in a strained voice.

"Not exactly sure. What do you remember?" Mason asked slowly in a low even tone.

Zach dumped the glass in the trash can, set the broom and dust pan against the wall then sat on the edge of the bed opposite of Mason.

Shifting into a sitting position Sam said "I was rinsing my mouth after brushing my teeth. Then my eyes focused in the mirror and I saw …" His hand moved back to the scar and rubbed it lightly. He dropped his hand back to his lap. "I saw my face … then I … I don't know … I … I." Sam looked at them with sad fearful eyes. "I … nothing … laying here."

Zach patted his leg "Dawn's on her way. Said you probably remembered something traumatic. Why don't you just relax until she gets here?" He checked his watch "She'll be here in about twenty or thirty minutes."

Sam simply nodded and lay back down. He rolled on his side, curled up and unconsciously placed his hand on the scar on his chest again.

Zach got up and left the room unable to take seeing the fear and sadness in his cousin's eyes.

Mason stood and moved to the doorway. He just watched from there giving Blondie space so he didn't feel trapped. Mason was not a bit surprised that within five minutes Blondie was asleep. His breathing slow and regular. Rest little brother, you need it, Mason thought sadly.

Zach was in the kitchen pacing when Mason came out and told him Sam was sleeping. Mason saw how upset Zach was. He stopped him from pacing and grabbed Zach's shoulders making him face him.

Mason looked directly at Zach and said confidently "He'll get through whatever it was. He's strong like that. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Never seen someone with better coping skills and so resilient. You Braddock's are a stout stock."

Looking up at Mason he said "Yeah we are. But even the strongest have a breaking point. He has been so stable all week since he found out he gets to go back to SRU. I naively thought all would be well now. But …"

He pulled away from Mason and walked to Sam's favorite place near the windows and looked out at the early morning landscape.

Zach blew out a breath "But now I don't know. He … his eyes … they look so haunted, sad, hopeless." He leaned his head on the glass.

Watching Zach move away Mason thought his movements and mannerisms were so like Blondie's. He liked the kid. Would put in a request to have him assigned to his unit when he finished SF training.

Mason shook his head a bit as he thought Braddocks, tough, proud, intelligent, compassionate, duty bound, and good men all. They would willingly sacrifice their lives to save others, they were all protectors. But even strong, competent men such as them needed help on occasion.

He walked over and put an arm around Zach's shoulder "Kid. He'll make it back. He's seen things, horrible things. He's seen many people he cares about die in front of him. He's had to take many lives to save even more lives. He's suffered horrendously at the hands of others."

Mason sighed but continued confidently "Many men would just fold and give up. But Blondie is a fighter, a true warrior. He battles his way back every single time. But I won't lie to you he has come very close to giving up before. We need to watch him closely right now."

Zach's head snapped to Mason "Are you saying what I think you are saying?"

Mason nodded "Yeah he's tried to end the pain before. Twice I know of. Matt saved him and pulled him through the first time after he was tortured. When he remembered he killed Matt at the cabin it was close again when the guilt overwhelmed him. But he worked hard, very hard and pulled it together again."

"Somehow with all the dreadful things he has seen. All the ghastly things he had to do in the name of duty. With all he has lost and pain he has endured. Blondie always fights and hangs on until he finds the beauty of life. He'll do the same again now. He'll fight" Mason declared.

Nodding Zach took a deep breath and straightened up. "I've seen how determined he is, how hard he tries. How much pain he can endure. I wanted to beat the crap out of Jeff when he made Sam crawl up those damned stairs."

Mason looked at him questioningly.

So Zach told him about how Jeff pushed him hard and set the stage for how they all helped Sam recover last time. "Like I said, I wanted to punch Jeff as I watched Sam struggle. I thought it was cruel, but Jeff was right. I didn't get it at first but I do now. You are right too. He'll fight for what he wants and what he wants is to be back at SRU. I need to stay positive and challenge him achieve his goals. None of us make it through life without help now and then."

"That's the spirit kid. That attitude will serve you well. Why don't you go start the coffee? Blondie might like some when he wakes and is working with Dr. Tansy" Mason suggested to give Zach something to focus on other than Blondie.

Zach moved off to make the coffee.

Mason stared off in the distance and images of Blondie trying to grab Winds gun and almost succeeding flooded his mind. They mixed with long ago images of pulling Blondie off of Blaze when he tried to get his knife too. Blondie was put through too much in his life.

He wouldn't let Zach see it but Mason was worried, the sad eyes scared him. At least the catatonia was very short this time. But just how much could Blondie take? Zach was right; every man had a breaking point. He hoped Blondie wasn't alone if he ever reached his.

Ten minutes later there was a soft knock on the door. After letting Dawn in they explained what happened after Zach had spoken with her. Dawn thanked them and asked Mason to take a chair for her into the room and set it near the bed. She and Zach prepared two cups of coffee. Taking the coffees with her Dawn entered Sam's room and closed the door.

As she approached the bed she softly called out "Sam, its Dawn." His eyes flickered open. She smiled at him "Hey there. Heard you've had a bit of a rough morning. Brought you some coffee."

He did not move to reach for it. So she placed his coffee on the night stand and sat down. "Would you like to talk about what happened?" Dawn asked.

Sam was silent a long time not moving from his position on his side. He finally blew out a soft breath "Dawn I'm afraid."

Dawn knew to stay silent with him at this point. Never push. The words would come eventually. She waited calmly and took a sip of her coffee.

The euphoria of returning to the team soon had driven him for the past week. But this morning he had crashed hard as several difficult memories assaulted him. "I'm so afraid. Every time things look like they are going good in my life something or someone gets taken away from me. My life seems headed for good again. I'm scared to death who or what might be taken from me this time. It always hurts so much. I don't know how much more I can cope with before I lose my mind."

He shifted to a sitting position and grabbed the coffee taking a drink. "I've tried so hard. Every single time. What if my vision doesn't fully return? It's gotten a lot better, faster than Dr. Blue anticipated over the last week. But what if it just goes away again or doesn't improve anymore. I'm going to be released from my Army contract and get to go back to SRU. But that could be ripped from me if my eyes fail to …"

Sam looked at Dawn, she came into focus easily. "But what scares me more is who I could lose. So many I've lost right before my eyes. Sara, Matt, Lou, Ripsaw, Buzz, Dutch, Yankee, Gary, Shy, Unicorn, Aaron. Too many to list."

His hand moved to his chest again. "I don't think I could take it if something happened to someone else I cared about. Jules almost died on that roof top because I wasn't covering her. Blaze almost died. He was bleeding out and there was nothing I could do. Ben was in the clutches of the sick bastard and the damned grenade. All the guys that got hurt at the safe house and in the blast that day."

Sam took several ragged breaths "It was my fault they were all put into jeopardy because I recognized Daphy. Because I let myself get distracted and didn't make sure they weren't followed. I keep losing people because I fail."

Dawn watched silently knowing he would talk more in a few minutes. In her head she thought, so we are going the guilt for things out of his control route, again. She prepared herself mentally for guiding him to recognize things were not his fault. She was glad the General had supplied her with some critical information about his latest missions. That information would be useful to help Sam.

Greg had contacted her last week to ask that she be the one to do Sam's psych eval when he was ready to return to SRU. He trusted her judgement. She could see Sam was struggling so badly right now. But he was making solid progress; he had come such a long way in only five weeks.

She had never worked with someone quite like Sam. His cocky attitude was a cover for all the guilt and blame he took on himself for things out of his control. He was strong and intelligent but his mind betrayed him by allowing him to feel responsible for things his wasn't. She had helped him down this path before. She would again. He was resilient he would come to terms and accept the reality of the situations but it would be hard work for him.

Sam rubbed his chest again and took another drink of coffee. He launched into more situations he took unjust ownership of like Cameo's injury. If he hadn't yelled out as he and Qasim struggled Apollo would not have rushed up the stairs and they would not have lost their surprise element and Cameo would not have been shot.

If he hadn't pulled his SRU team into the mission none of them would have been near the explosion and been hurt. Leo would not have been treated badly by the team and decided to reactivate if he had not called the Priority One.

Winds and Mason wouldn't have to risk their lives to rescue him if he had just watched where he was going and not injured his ankle. Ed would not feel the guilt about taking a fatal shot, because Hayes-Baxter wouldn't have been in the restaurant that night if it wasn't for him.

Slumping down on the bed Sam said "I'm so tired of failing. Every time I fail someone dies or gets hurt. I'm scared of who I'll lose if I fail again."

Sam looked at Dawn with miserable and questioning eyes "Why do I keep failing? Why does everyone I care about die because I fail them?"

Dawn saw the hurt, the loss, the intense internal struggle. His questions were her cue to begin "Sam you have suffered many losses; that is true. I can see how much that hurts you. I know through our past conversations how hard you fight the demons that haunt you."

She smiled slightly "I know you are not afraid of hard work. I challenge you to examine each of these individually and separate out what you could and could not reasonably control. I'll guide and help you work through them so you can find the beauty of life again. Are you ready to begin?"

Sam nodded yes.

Dawn nodded "Good, now let's start with Cameo ..."

Seven Weeks After Memory Returned – Wordsworth Home – Saturday 6:00 pm

"Unca Supersam, Unca Supersam" Ben squealed gleefully as he raced pell-mell across the backyard towards Sam and launched himself at him.

Sam had crouched down to catch him and landed on his butt from the force of the impact hugging Ben close and laughing. Every head at the welcome back party had turned and grinned at Ben's excited yells as he arrived and saw Sam. It was the first time Ben had gotten to see Sam since that day months ago.

Wordy turned to Spike smiling broadly "Seems Samtastic has another nickname. Not sure which one is better?"

"Samtastic. Definitely Samtastic. But Supersam is a close second" Spike said as he laughed watching Sam tickle Ben on the ground.

Ed chimed in "Both are fitting. Still can't believe his eye sight recovered so quickly."

Jules grinned and stated positively "Motivation. He had a goal he wanted so pushed himself very hard to attain it."

Greg took a sip of his soda watching as Sam allowed Ben, Allie, Lilly and Hollie to crawl all over him on the ground "How'd he do on the requal tests today Eddie?"

Ed turned to look at Greg "Amazing as always. Little off from his previous requal results. But still higher than the standards."

Greg heard a bit of concern in Ed's voice "Which areas was he off in?"

"Accuracy towards the end of the day. On par with Jules and me. But not quite up to his standards. He was not happy. Actually that's not the right word, he was thoroughly pissed. I'm sure he's gonna want to spend more time on the gun range training until he meets his own exacting standards" Ed replied.

Still hearing the concern he eyed Ed and indicated with a slight nod of his head to follow him away from the others. They wandered away casually appearing to go get some food. Seated away from others Greg said "So what's up Eddie?"

Shifting his gaze toward Sam who was now pushing the kids on the swing set he sighed "Yes he qualified and did better than most. He pushed himself hard the last few weeks. Very hard. I know he wants to be back with the team badly. We all can see that. Hell we all have helped push him and get him into shape. But a small part of me thinks it is too soon. I can't point to a particular thing, just a gut feeling. Did you get the psych eval from Dr. Tansy?"

"Yes about an hour before the party" Greg replied.

He was glad Dr. Tansy agreed to do the eval. Sam could bullshit his way through the SRU psychologist but seemed to be truly open with and trust Dawn. So Dawn's eval was a more accurate assessment of his mental state.

Greg shared "Dr. Tansy says he is fit for duty. But that Sam requested to have on going weekly sessions."

Ed turned to Greg "Did she say why? Is it something we need to be aware of? Something that might affect his performance on the job? Like PTSD or flashbacks."

As TL Eddie needed to know so Greg shared "No nothing like that. She says he is still working through accepting he is not responsible for certain things in his past."

Greg understood this well, he too had a lot of trouble in that area. Their job put them in impossible situations and everyone on the team had experienced issues with that at one time or another. So he agreed with Dr. Tansy's assessment.

"Is it about Matt or Sara? We all know how hard those were for him" Ed stated.

Greg shook his head "No. I asked if it was that. But she did not elaborate citing the need for confidentiality and privacy. I can accept that. Most of his past is confidential."

He then lightly laughed "Heck there are more full pages blacked out in his file than ones with any information on them. So it doesn't surprise me he would still need to work through some things. Dawn does not believe it will impact his job performance though. She said it is more personal and quality of life for him."

"Okay. What about the report from Dr. Blue?" Ed asked.

Greg finished chewing and swallowed "It's been delayed. Sam was supposed to see him yesterday for final evaluation. But Dr. Blue had a personal emergency and will be out for two weeks. Sam didn't want to delay returning that long so asked if the SRU optometrist could do his final check and buy off. He's scheduled to see Dr. Yaozu on Tuesday morning. If he clears him, Sam will rejoin the team on Thursday morning."

Ed's gut feeling was reducing but it wasn't fully eliminated "Is that wise? I mean Dr. Blue was the one that treated Sam and knows his full condition."

"Sam got a copy of his full file from Dr. Blue's office to give Dr. Yaozu. Although I would prefer a report from Dr. Blue, Commander Holleran said that one from Dr. Yaozu will be sufficient since Sam would have to get cleared by the SRU optometrist too anyways." Greg watched Ed, he still wasn't completely satisfied and his unsettled feeling started to rub off on him.

"Okay, but I want to ease Sam back in. Let him settle back into the rhythm, make sure there is nothing we need to compensate for or adjust on the team. Just like we did with Spike after Lou died. We have three snipers on our team. I don't want to put him in the Sierra One position until we get the full report from Dr. Blue. Are you okay with that?" Ed asked.

Greg nodded "Eddie, as TL that is your call to make but in this case I completely agree with you. Just like we shielded Spike from having to deal with bombs for a while, given what Sam's been through he doesn't need the added pressure of being the sniper so soon. He won't like it one bit, gonna be mad as hell. You need to be up front with him and tell him why. Don't leave him in the dark and make him think you don't trust him or his skills."

"Yeah, that would be best. Not a conversation I'm gonna enjoy. But I'll tell him before workout. That way he can release his anger on the poor heavy bag and be settled before shift starts" Ed responded as his gut settled.

This is Samtastic they were talking about, Ed thought. No mere mortal. But Ed felt better that Greg agreed to ease him back in. Sam had been through so much lately it was the right thing to do.

Ed nodded to Greg happy that they were in agreement. They rose and rejoined the rest of the party.

Mason was talking with Winds "Yeah was really worried a few weeks ago. That morning scared me. But Dr. Tansy helped him a lot. He's been right as rain since."

Nodding Winds answered "You sure, you know how good he is as showing people what they want to see."

"Pretty sure. When his eye sight came back fully few days later he really evened out. Then when all his SRU buddies started showing up every day to work out with him or go to the gun range he became happier than I've seen him in a long time."

Winds smiled watching Blondie swing Ben around in the air. "That's good. I was so glad to hear what the General did for him. He deserves to be happy." Winds turned back to Mason "So you off babysitting detail and back with your unit?'

Mason shoved Winds lightly almost knocking him over "Don't let Blondie hear ya call it that. You'd regret that as you nursed a sore jaw. But yeah. Good to be back. Units got shuffled around a bit to fill the leadership gaps. Pirate, Riddler and Eagle all got their own teams now. I got Apollo and Pawn for now. Sutton is keeping my last spot open for Zach when he completes training, he'll shift temporaries in and out of it until then. Hear Cameo landed with you and Blaze."

Winds nodded and the two continued to talk shop as several other unit men joined them.

Sam finally extracted himself from the kids. That was fun but time for some adult time. He spotted Mike and wandered toward him "Hey Mike."

Mike turned and saw Sam approaching "Hey Sam. I'd like to introduce my wife Karen. Karen this is Sam. The guy I've been covering for."

They exchanged pleasantries as a hoard of kids descended upon them begging if they could have another soda. Mike introduced his six kids. Sam thought whoa, two sets of triplets, Mike had his hands full. Karen headed off with the kids to find juice and water instead saying the kids would be too riled up with too much soda and that would be a nightmare at bedtime.

Watching them head off Sam said "Nice family Mike."

Mike replied "Thanks. They are a bit of handful at times. Don't really know how Karen manages them so well with all the long shifts we have in SRU. Amazing woman. Gonna have to take her out for a night on the town soon. But it will have to wait a bit. Team Two starts the overnight shifts on Thursday."

"I'm glad Team Two snatched you up for Gary's open spot. SRU can't afford to lose men like you. How's it going with them?" Sam asked.

Grinning Mike answered "Glad Sergeant Bradley and Team Two wanted me. When I heard you were coming back I first looked into switching to Guns and Gangs or Vice. Neither really appealed after time in SRU. It's been a fairly easy transition. They do things a bit differently but getting the hang of their style. They like that I feed them info from the Sierra position. Was real helpful on a few calls because I could see things the cameras couldn't. I have you to thank for that."

Sam shook his head "Nah, you were trained by the best, Ed and the rest of Team One. Thanks for watching their backs for me."

Mike glanced over at his kids "No problem man. Welcome back. Gotta go sort out the boys their arguing over something. See ya later."

Sam watched him separate the boys then headed for the cooler to grab a beer. He saw Blaze and Angus talking and grabbed one for both. He smiled as he walked up and handed them beers "Damned good to see you both up and walking, glad you could make it."

Angus and Sam exchanged a few words but when Angus saw Spike he excused himself and hurried away wanting to talk to Spike.

When it was just the two of them Blaze pulled Blondie into a tight hug "Damned glad to see you too kid. You did good. Very good. I'm so proud of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for rescuing Daphy and Ben. You saved my life too. I can never repay you for all you have done for me, for Daphy, for Ben."

Blaze finally released him and scrutinized him, boring into his eyes "How are you doing Blondie? And I mean really doing, not the deflective crap you spew to the psychologists to sign off on your evals."

Sam winced. Blaze knew him too well could always see through him if he lied. So he answered simply "Getting there. Helps to see all the guys up and around. Happy they could all make it tonight."

He looked around and spotted all the guys from JTF2 interacting with all the guys from SRU. He saw Cameo jog over to the coolers to grab drinks for several guys.

Shifting his gaze back to Blaze he said seriously with an undercurrent of guilt "Heard what you did for Cameo. Thanks for that. Would have been a great loss to JTF2 if he hadn't made it back into fighting shape."

Blaze heard the tone "Blondie that wasn't your fault. If it is anyone's fault it lies with me. I was in charge at the safe house. I should have requested a more secure one once we arrived and saw how out dated it was. None of this would have happened if I had done my job better that day. But things happen, that's life. So put that one down. It is not your burden to carry or your fault."

Sam thought 'still working on that' but he didn't voice it out loud. Instead wanting to focus on happier things tonight he changed the subject "So who's the stunning lady you brought with you?"

Blaze recognized the deflection but tonight was supposed to be fun so he let the issue drop. He turned and watched as she talked with Jules, Sophie and Shel. He turned back to Sam "That would be the Ice Queen."

Sam looked at him bemused. Blaze explained it all to him. They were both laughing heartily by the end of his story.

He had never seen Blaze so besotted with a woman, it was clear as day. "Not so much the confirmed bachelor we all thought. I think this one has you hooked. Fire and Ice, nice combination" Sam smirked.

"Yeah, well we will see about that. Not so sure she wants to remarry anytime soon if at all, especially a soldier. Dating is good for now, taking it real slow. Losing her husband was very hard on her. She still misses him" Blaze responded a bit reserved.

"How do you know that?" Sam asked just as a young boy traipsed up to Blaze and stood waiting not interrupting.

Blaze squatted down "Yes Ryan."

Ryan leaned close and whispered something in Blaze's ear.

Blaze snickered "Okay, thank you for the information kiddo. Why don't you go ask Ben to play catch with you and the other boys over there and get him away from the girls for a bit?"

"What was that all about?" Sam asked curious.

Blaze smiled "My little informant, Lizzy's son Ryan. Kid tells me everything. Wicked intelligent boy. He just told me that there was a huge argument going on between Ben and Allie."

Sam just looked at him waiting for him to continue.

Blaze started chuckling "It was about you."

"Me?" Sam asked glancing at the two kids who were just now being separated as Ryan led Ben away to play catch.

Full on laughing now "Yeah you. Seems that Ben insists you are Supersam and Allie insists you are Prince Charming. Damn Blondie you have a way with kids. Ever think of settling down and having some of your own?"

Sam looked over at Jules. She was beautiful and absolutely magnificent when she laughing like she was right now. She saw him looking at her and smiled at him. Sam gave her one of his WOW smiles then replied to Blaze "Someday. Not right now though."