We Fight For Him Until He Can Fight
Eight Weeks After Memory Returned – Langley Towers Hostage Call – Thursday 10:15 pm
Eye trained on the subject through the scope Sam watched and listened as Jules continued to negotiate with the woman. She had been at it for about three hours now. Jules was gaining ground it seemed right now. But it had been up and down many times. There were a few times he thought Sarge would call Scorpio but Jules would calm the woman down just before reaching that point. This was a difficult call but he was happy to be watching over her, protecting Jules as she worked.
Jules was covered by Wordy and Leah inside the building across the street. Greg, Spike and Ed were in the command truck. He was on the roof of a twenty story building in the Sierra One position.
An icy drizzle and moderate wind had started several hours ago. Not a nice night to be out laying on a rooftop. He was soaked through, very cold and stiff from not moving for nearly three hours. But that didn't really bother him. He was just glad to be back with his team. He could protect them again.
Once he heard what his father had done he went in overdrive pushing himself to the limit. Getting back to the team quickly had been his goal. He had been surprised at how much the team pushed him too.
They seemed just as eager for him to return as he was. Ed put him through his paces and he re-qualified with SRU. He was still a little miffed that his accuracy marks had been lower than his previous requal but at least they were still way above SRU standards.
This morning on his first day back Ed had pulled him aside before workout. He told him he would not be putting him into the Sierra position for a few weeks. Ed explained why and looked completely confused when he simply agreed.
Ed stopped him from heading to the locker room and asked why he wasn't angry. Sam explained he understood that Ed was just concerned about him and the team. And he respected the decision because Ed's job as the TL was to do what he felt best for the team. That had shocked Ed but he had smiled and said 'good, glad we understand each other' then slapped his back.
They had entered the locker room together and the rest of the team was there to welcome him back for the first day. That felt good. When he opened his locker he had been surprised. It looked like it had snowed in his locker. The bottom two inches of the locker was covered with little strips of paper.
The rest of the team was shocked too. They all laughed to find out all of them had been leaving him notes. Sam was deeply touched and gathered them all up and put them in a zipper baggy that had previously contained the last of Jules cookies, Spike stole his last one while he was speaking with Ed. Sam smiled, he would read the notes later and figure out a way to make Spike pay for eating the last cookie.
Workout had been fun. It should have been Wordy's day to choose and he had a chick flick that he wanted to preview since his girls wanted to watch it this weekend. But Ed and the others insisted it was Sam's first day back so he got to choose. Sam tuned the radio to a hard rock station and everyone enjoyed a hard workout with lots of joking around.
They were pumped up, in a good mood and ready for shift by seven am. He and Jules did a quick coffee run to Timmy's for the team. They all laughed when he gave Ed his double double with a large red heart drawn on it and he told Ed that he was careful when he crossed the big road.
But then the first hot call came in and the rest of today had been go, go, go. It was like the city had gone crazy. They had gone from call to call with no breaks. Same for Team Three. HQ had to actually call Team Four in early for shift to cover another call hot call.
Sam thought so much for easing back into the job. So far today he had chased down four subjects in three separate calls. Crawled through vents to get eyes in for one call. Rappelled down the side of building with Ed to rescue a jumper that Greg had talked down. And now he was here as Sierra One, exactly where Ed didn't want him to be.
The team was dead tired by the end of the day and they were all looking forward to relaxing and getting something to eat other than power bars. Wordy told him they had done more in one day than in the past two weeks. Sam was more tired than he would like to admit to the team and was glad the first shift was almost over. He was ready to go home and crawl into bed too tired to even bother eating. He had even taken Jules up on her offer of a ride home instead of having to ride his bike.
Then thirty minutes away from the end of their twelve hour shift they got this call. That was nearly four hours ago. It took the team ten minutes to arrive on scene. Everything had gone to hell in a hand basket in the first fifteen minutes on scene.
Due to what had transpired, Sam was the only one for Sierra One position even though Ed didn't want to put him there until Dr. Blue's final assessment.
Three subjects were reported in an armed home invasion on the nineteenth floor of the upscale Langley Towers Apartments. When they arrived two males fled and the woman took a hostage. He, Spike, Leah and Ed had pursued the men. Greg, Wordy and Jules had engaged with the woman subject.
The woman would not respond to Greg at all so Jules quickly took over negotiations. They apprehended both males. But Ed, Spike and Sam had gone down hard with the subjects when they caught them on the stairs. All five of them fell down a flight of stairs when the subjects turned to fire.
Sam had seen them start to turn and raise their guns and called out 'gun stop' to Ed and Spike who were closer than he and Leah. Spike stopped and Ed was unable to stop as quickly and ran into the back of Spike. The momentum of Ed propelled Ed and Spike into one of the subjects and all three fell down the stairs.
The second subject turned to either run or fire at Ed. Sam wasn't sure which but didn't want to take any chances. So he launched himself at the back of the subject wanting to take him into custody rather than kill him. They also rolled down the stairs.
In the end, Ed had twisted his knee and he could not put much weight on it. Spike smashed his shoulder into to ground nearly dislocating it. He had whacked his head on bottom step and was okay except for a slight headache. One subject was unconscious and Leah had quickly cuffed the second.
With Ed's knee out of commission and Jules negotiating, when they needed a sniper to go up to the roof of the twenty story building via stairs he was it. Sam had raced down sixteen flights of stairs in Langley Towers. Quickly he grabbed his Remi, kit and night scope and raced up twenty-one flights of stairs to the roof of the building across the street because the elevators had been locked down as a security measure.
Sam checked his watch. That was just over three hours ago now. Ed would be checking in again soon.
Ed checked his watch 10:15 pm, time to check in with Sam. "Samo, how ya doing out there? Not too cold?" Ed called out shifting in the chair and asking the same question each time.
He always got a cocky answer in return, some variation I'm okay, not too bad, or been in colder weather. But Ed was thoroughly pissed off at himself for his injury. He should have reacted quicker to Sam's warning on the stairs and stopped. Because he hadn't both he and Spike were injured and he had to put Sam in the sniper position with no backup.
It was damned cold and wet outside and Sam had been out there for more than three hours. Like clockwork, he had checked on Sam every fifteen minutes. It was not ideal but the only option the team had at the moment.
But Samo always came through and today would be no different. Sam was tough and he could count on him. He had performed exceedingly well today. Slipped right back into the rhythm with no hiccups. Like he had never been gone. It felt good to have the team back together. Especially on a day like today.
Sam was about to answer 'okay, but you owe me a hot coffee' when something happened.
There were several flashes in his left eye as a reddish tint seeped into his vision. Then things went blurry. Sam blinked once and refocused. But it went blurry again. He blinked several times and things came back into focus but the reddish tint was still there. What the hell was going on?
Ed was waiting for an answer and when Sam didn't respond immediately he said "Sam you didn't freeze to death on me out there did you? What's your status?"
"Ed, um" Sam hesitated. He had to tell him, didn't want to but had to. Ed was gonna be pissed but he had to tell him.
"Sam?" Ed heard the hesitation.
"Ed got a bit of a problem" Sam finally stated.
Glancing at Greg Ed asked "What's the problem Samo?"
"Can we get back up from Team Three or Four?" he asked.
Spike looked at Ed concerned. Sam wouldn't ask for back up unless something was up. Tense now Ed queried "Sam what do you see, why do we need backup?"
They heard Sam's breath hitch as he replied "That's the problem. I'm having trouble seeing. Everything went blurry for a moment. Back in focus now but …" he was cut-off by Ed.
Angrily Ed replied "And you're just now telling me this?"
Greg put a hand on Ed's shoulder to calm him knowing Ed's anger was a cover for concern "Sam when did this start?"
"Just now, as I was about to answer Ed it happened. I blinked several times and refocused but …" Sam trailed off.
They all knew. He didn't have to finish. If it went blurry once it could go again and that could be bad.
Ed pulled out his phone and called Winnie to check on the status of the other teams. His frustration grew. He made another call. He relaxed only slightly.
"Sam how you doing? How bad is it? How often?" Ed questioned.
More confidently then he felt Sam answered "Okay for now. Twice close together but not since. Any luck with Team Four or Three assisting?"
Inside his head Sam was begging, please let one of the teams be available. They were out on calls when they had taken this one. Surely at least one of them was back at the barn. The team was counting on Sierra One to keep Jules and the hostage safe. They were counting on him.
Ed responded "No both still out on calls. Called Mike. He is off duty but agreed to come in early. But he won't be here for another thirty minutes. He has the kids, has to drop them off at the grandparents first. You will be okay until then, right?"
Put like that, how else could he answer Ed except "Yeah. I'll be good that long."
But internally Sam wavered. Thirty minutes? Maybe, god he hoped so. His team needed him to be able to so he would have to force himself somehow. He couldn't fail them; it was his job to cover them.
Sam felt so incompetent right now. Why was there a reddish tint to his vision and why were his eyes going blurry now? They hadn't been blurry for weeks. They had never had a tint to them either.
Had he pushed too hard? The doctor did the last check. He had all Dr. Blue's notes. Dr. Yaozu signed off, he wouldn't do that if there was still an issue. So why?
All went blurry again. Crap not again. Sam blinked several times quickly and refocused. Anxiety grew. It was Jules and a teenage hostage he was covering. He could not afford to lose sight of them for one second the subject was too volatile.
Jules continued to negotiate with Greg guiding her. She was glad to have him in her ear. This negotiation was long and drawn out and at times she was losing confidence in her ability to get through. Spike continued to feed them information as he dug deeper into the troubled woman's past. But she wished she could end it more quickly.
She had heard the conversation between Ed and Sam. They all did. She and Wordy had shared a quick glance at each other and each saw the concern in the other.
They all knew Sam was in trouble. Damn she wished the woman would have responded to Greg that way she could have been Sierra One. Aw crap she was escalating again. Jules refocused on the subject.
Sam glanced at his watch. Forty minutes had passed since Ed said Mike was coming. Mike was supposed to be here by now. Where was he?
A few small floating black spots had occurred but dissipated with blinking but not the red tinge. Keeping focused was getting hard, very hard. Fear he would fail his team was growing exponentially with each passing minute.
"Ed. Status on Mike?" Sam asked trying to keep his tone even and hide his fear.
"Sorry Samo, he just called. He's stuck in traffic. Semi jack-knifed and there is a chain reaction pile-up due to the slick roads" Ed said.
Ed looked at Greg they both heard the fear. They both muted then Ed said "Greg, I need to get up there. The subject is escalating again. If … and he …"
Greg understood the short unfinished statement. It would bad if he lost focus if the shot had to be taken.
Looking to Spike Greg directed "Help get Ed there and find someone to unlock the elevator."
Spike nodded and tapped the monitor indicating new information for Greg to pass to Jules. He prayed it would help deescalate the situation. Then he and Ed moved out as quickly as they could.
Greg unmuted "Sam, Spike and Ed are on the way."
He then started to feed the new information to Jules hoping for a good outcome but he was getting a bad feeling.
"Copy" Sam called out.
Dammit, he wasn't pulling his weight. He was a burden on his team, a distraction when they needed all their attention on the situation. Ed was injured and should not have to cover his ass. Spike was needed in the truck pulling information that might help resolve this peacefully. Instead Spike was helping Ed to him. Dammit, he was failing again, he was failing his team.
Sam blinked rapidly. Crap. Blurred. He blinked again. Cleared and focused again. Thank god. But then it blurred again. Crap.
As much as he hated the idea Ed was coming to cover for him, Sam wished Ed would hurry. Fear was rising that he wouldn't be able to focus when needed and endanger his team or the hostage.
Blink. Clear. More rapidly blurred. Blinks to clear again.
Ed called out "Samo on the way. Hang on buddy."
He was kicking himself mentally. He should have done this when Sam first told him he was having trouble focusing. Why did he wait so long? Why the hell didn't Greg tell him to go immediately too? Leaning on the wall and holding the railing in the elevator Ed watched the damned floor numbers rise slowly.
… … … … … … … … … 4
… … … … … … … … … 5
… … … … … … … … … 6
… … … … … … … … … 7
… … … … … … … … … too damned slow.
Sam needed to let them know he was completely compromised now. He blinked again and it cleared. Blurred again. Cleared again. Blurred. Blink. Clear. Blurred. Blink. Clear. He could no longer maintain focus for more than a second or two. His eyes were so fatigued after more than four hours with his eye to the scope.
Unfortunately Sam and Greg called out simultaneously "No joy" and "Scorpio."
Hearing the command Sam blinked rapidly. Cleared. Red but focused. Squeezed trigger. Blurred. Rapidly blinked. Blurry still.
He could not see if he hit the mark. He blinked again. He tried several times and could not get them to focus now.
Sam rolled onto his back breathing harshly and rapidly as panic increased. Waiting. Waiting. Please call out subject down. Please don't let it be the hostage or Jules.
Seconds ticked by and no call out, it felt like a lifetime as his panic skyrocketed.
What the hell was he doing being on Team One when he was not one hundred percent?
Waiting. Please call out who is down. What if it was the teenage boy? Jules? God please not Jules. Wordy? Leah? No.
Why didn't they call out who was down? Did he miss completely? A rushing pounding in his head drown out all sound.
Oh god he felt like he was gonna be sick. He flicked his headset to mute not wanting them to hear him puke. He rolled over and got to his knees.
Ed heard both call outs. Dammit. He heard the shot. He didn't hear Sam call out subject neutralized. Come on dammit.
… … … … … … … … … 19
… … … … … … … … … 20
Hearing the harsh breathing over the headset Ed called out "Sam?" No answer.
… … … … … … … … … Rooftop. Ding.
Ed looked to Spike "Go now, I'll follow."
Spike sprinted to Sam's location.
Wordy relayed "Subject neutralized. Hostage safe."
Greg called out "Sam status." No answer. "Ed what's his status?"
"Spike?" Ed called out.
Spike skidded to a halt. Sam was just getting to his knees pale and shaky. He looked like he was ready to hurl. "Sam, buddy. You okay?"
The entire team waited for a response. It was soft and far away, heard through Spike's headset not Sam's.
Head down Sam shakily and softly he asked "Who?"
"Who what?" Spike said moving closer and squatting down close to Sam trying to get a look at him.
Sam moved from his knees to a seated position. His back against the wall, knees up and pulled close, arms across the top of his knees. He leaned his head back against the wall with his eyes closed.
Ed hobbled close taking in the sight. He knew what Sam was asking. He used the wall to slide down to the ground close to Sam careful to keep his injured knee straight.
He reached out for Sam's shoulder "Good shoot Sam. Subject neutralized. The hostage and team are all okay. Did you not hear Wordy?"
Sam shook his head no and lowered his head onto his arms. Desolately he said "I shouldn't be here. I'm a liability to the team."
SIU swooped in moments later preventing Ed or Spike from talking further to Sam.
SRU HQ Briefing Room – Friday 2:50 am
Ed and Spike had come back from the ER two hours ago with Ed in a knee brace using crutches and Spike's arm in a sling. The team had finished debriefing without Sam. They were anxiously waiting for him to return from SIU.
Mike walked past the briefing room on his way to the lockers to change for his shift and saw Team One sitting there "Hey Sarge, sorry about earlier I tried. Was stuck waiting in that pile up for nearly three hours."
Greg looked a Mike and said "No worries, we really appreciated the effort."
Mike nodded then asked "What are you all still doing here?"
Wordy replied "Waiting for Sam. SIU is taking a very long time with him tonight."
"Right. Okay. Well I hope they let him out soon you all look bushed. That was one hellava long shift you guys had. Ed, Spike you guys okay?" They responded okay and conversed a bit more before Mike headed to the locker room.
Jules was worn out after today and tired of waiting. She was getting upset. Didn't SIU know Sam had been up for nearly twenty-four hours? Surely they could let him get some sleep before badgering him over a good shoot.
Reaching her boiling point she finally bit out "Why the hell are they keeping Sam so long? It was a good shoot. Boss they let you go hours ago. If something was wrong, wouldn't they have kept you too?"
Exhausted just like the rest of the team Greg rubbed his hands over his face and head. "I don't know Jules. Could be the last part of the transcript."
Spike was pacing about to ask why, what about the transcript when Mike walked back in dressed in his workout gear with a concerned look on his face "Why is Sam's locker cleared out?"
Ed's head snapped to Mike "What do you mean cleared out?"
"Exactly what I said, its wide open and empty, thus cleared out" Mike responded confused.
The team looked at one another. Greg pulled out his phone and contacted SIU. Hanging up he said "Sam left SIU over two hours ago. They ruled it a good shoot. No issues or concerns."
Jules ran for the locker room. The rest of the team followed quickly. Jules plowed into the room without asking if the men were decent. Several quickly covered as she raced to Sam's locker. Wide open. But not completely empty.
Two items remained on the top shelf. The first item was a zipper bag full of tiny notes. The ones that looked like snow covering the bottom of Sam's locker when he had opened it.
The second item was a small note taped to the bag. It read 'I'm sorry I failed you today. I'm a liability to your safety. You deserve someone you can count on to protect you. I don't belong here now. I'm tired, so tired of failing.'
Jules looked to the team "Minivan express."
They all nodded and moved quickly to Wordy's vehicle.
Sam's Apartment – Friday 3:20 am
"He's not answering" Ed said as he pounded on the door again. He looked to Jules "Do you still have a key to his apartment?"
Jules swallowed hard. How the hell did he know she had a key? "It's in my purse back at the barn."
Wordy pulled out his lock picking tools and quickly opened the door. They all entered. Wordy checked the bedroom. Greg checked the spare room. They congregated in the kitchen area.
"Nothing appears to be gone from his room. His bag is not here either. I don't think he's been back here since clearing out his locker" Wordy said.
Rubbing his head Greg asked "Then where did he go?"
Spike offered "Maybe to the General's home?"
Ed replied "I don't think he would go there."
They all paced around trying to think of where Sam would go. Each offered up suggestions but each one was dismissed.
Spike proposed "Maybe he took a bike ride. You know how that helps when he needs to clear his head."
Greg shook his head "No I saw his bike still in the bike rack when we left."
Jules wandered into his room and looked around. She opened the closet. Military neat. Something caught her eye. She ran to the bathroom. Opened the drawers and cabinets. She checked the laundry hamper. She pulled out his t-shirt drawer. "Guys, he's been here."
Spike quickly came into the room "How do you know that Jules? His bag is not here."
She looked at him sadly "Yes it is."
The rest of the team entered the bedroom.
She continued "He's a neat freak. He put everything away in its place. The bag is folded and in the closet. All his toiletries are put away. His workout clothes are in the hamper."
Jules sat on the edge of the bed "Where did he go?"
Greg walked out into the kitchen. He noticed the trash was empty. He immediately walked to the fridge. Nothing perishable left inside. Shit. He rubbed his face briskly several times to calm down. "Guys, we need to find Sam fast."
The urgent tone of Greg's voice brought them all to the kitchen with worry etched on their faces. Ed said "Why?"
Looking to each of them "He left everything so it would be no trouble. Nothing perishable, no trash."
Dawning hit them all. Jules ran to his nightstand and pulled it open. She tried the lid of the gun safe. Unlocked. She lifted it. Jules sucked in a breath. It was gone. Tears threatened to fall but she brushed them angrily away.
His note to them was a damned suicide note.
Where would he go?
Matt's Grave – Friday 3:40 am
Sam lay on his back on the cold, wet ground next to Matt's grave. His eyes closed against the blurry world. Slowly he removed the ear buds. It was no use, Beauty had died. He lost everything important to him, so why not Beauty too.
The hurt, pain and loss never stopped.
As Sam placed the dead, battered MP3 player with ragged ear buds on Matt's grave he said aloud "Matt I've tried. I've tried so very hard. I keep failing. Winds was wrong when he said we never failed each other. I failed you. I failed to see it was you."
His hand traced the five inch cold metal barrel resting on his chest.
"Mattie, you were 184. I should've been 185. But now I'll be number …. God I don't even know anymore, too many that's for sure. But I guess it doesn't really matter now. Whatever the number it will be the last life I take."
Tears slipped from his eyes as he squeezed a small stuffed duck and then released it so it landed next to the MP3 player.
"Matt I'm sorry I can't be there for Ben. But he has Blaze. Blaze won't fail him like I will. He's safer without me. I lose everyone I care about."
He reached into a small box and gathered seven charms. As he spoke he slowly dropped a plane, a cat, a clown, a spider, a snake, and a boat next to the duck.
"Matt, today I failed the team. They count on me to keep them safe. They gave my life purpose again. But I failed them too. I failed Greg. I failed Ed. I failed Spike. I failed Wordy. I failed Lou."
Holding the shovel tightly in his right hand fresh tears squeezed out.
"Most of all I failed Jules. I couldn't see. I almost killed Jules like I killed you Matt. Jules I'm so sorry. I'm suppose to protect you. I failed to protect you up on the roof before when you were shot. I failed you tonight again. I'm so sorry Jules."
Sam's hand would not release the shovel and let it fall with the other items. It grasped tighter as the small metal charm cut into his palm.
"I'm so sorry I failed you all today. I'm a liability to your safety. You deserve someone you can count on to protect you. I don't belong here now."
His left hand wrapped around the pearl grip. He opened his eyes and blinked several times. The red hued world came into focus but quickly blurred again.
"I did try hard Jules. I promise I tried hard. I tried very hard to find the beauty of life this time. But it's gone. I can't see it anymore. All I see is a blurry, blood colored world. Kinda fitting huh. So much blood on my hands via my eyes."
He moved the gun to his temple, flicked the safety off, moved his finger to the trigger and closed his weary eyes.
"I'm so very tired of failing. I'm tired of hurting so much. I'm too tired to fight anymore."
Breathe, just breathe. A few more breaths then it will be time to stop the pain.
In. Hold 2, 3, 4. Release.
In. Hold 2, 3, 4. Release.
"Sam."
It was soft, gentle and close so close to him.
"Sam?"
The same soft, gentle voice closer now. He ignored it.
"Sam."
Again the same but even closer almost a breath away.
"Sam!"
One word held such emotion. His finger moved off the trigger.
"Sam?"
Whispered just above him. He blinked open his eyes.
The Beauty of life came into focus above him for only a moment before everything blurred again.
"Come home Sam. Come back where you belong" Beauty softly said to him.
Unable to see Beauty, Sam closed his eyes.
But he concentrated on listening as Beauty continued to whisper to him.
A firm but gentle hand slowly took his gun away.
Two sets of strong hands sat him up.
He was up then walking being supported and guided by strong arms as Beauty beckoned him to come home where he belonged.
Sam's Apartment – Friday 4:50 am
Greg and Spike paced the family room area. Ed sat on the couch with his leg propped up on the table next to a pearl grip vintage colt, a MP3 player, a duck and six charms in a small box.
Wordy walked out of Sam's room. He looked at the other three guys. They must all be wearing the same expression. They came so close to losing him tonight. It was a mix of sadness, rage, fear, exhaustion and guilt.
Wiping at his misty eyes, Wordy softly said "How did we fail to see the signs?"
All were quiet. Reliving the events leading up to and including the scene that greeted them at the cemetery. Trying to figure out how to answer Wordy.
As they tried to figure out where Sam went Spike located Sam's phone in the desk. He saw the last call Sam made was to a cab company. Spike contacted the cab company and found out the destination of the passenger picked up outside Sam's apartment. They had raced to Matt's grave hoping they were not too late.
Upon reaching the grave they found Sam lying there with his colt to his head, safety off, finger on the trigger. They heard the last part of what he said 'I'm tired of hurting so much. I'm too tired to fight anymore' just before he started doing sniper breathing.
Jules was the first to come out of a shocked stupor and had knelt close to him and called his name. Ed had focused on the pile of items on Matt's grave wanting to kneel close but unable. Spike, Greg and Wordy had gone close and slowly knelt around him as Jules continued to call to him.
Leah held back unsure if she should intrude. She had only really worked with Sam for two weeks and felt out of place. It was too intense watching someone as strong as Sam completely break.
When Sam had responded to Jules' calls and opened his eyes they were all shocked by the utter depth of sadness and weariness in his bloodshot eyes. But they closed so quickly again not to reopen even as Jules asked.
Spike was able to remove the gun from his hand without resistance. Greg and Wordy had sat him up. Sam had complied wordlessly as the guys stood him up.
But Sam refused to open his eyes so they had to hold him and guide him the whole way as they walked him to the minivan. Jules continued to whisper to him to maintain the connection Sam seemed to desperately need.
Sam said nothing the entire way back to his apartment. He only leaned close to Jules as if he was following a sirens call. Again he allowed them to guide him here so long as he could hear Jules.
When Jules stopped talking to take a quick sip of water Sam's breathing became rapid until Jules started speaking again. Wordy and Jules had taken Sam to his room. The rest of the team went in the family room area and waited.
The silence had gotten so heavy after Wordy's question you could almost see it.
Greg rubbed his eyes. He thought 'eyes' is that what finally broke him. Sighing deeply he finally spoke into the void of silence "We all wanted him back so badly. We saw what we wanted to see. We didn't see he was hurting inside."
Spike sat in the swivel chair and his knee started bouncing rapidly his voice imprinted with regret and anger "We did this to him. We pushed him too hard. Too fast."
"Wordy is Jules coming out soon?" Ed asked with a hard edge to it. The anger was directed at himself but it still reflected in his voice.
Wordy understood where Ed's anger was coming from so ignored the tone and answered sadly "No. Sam seems to still need her voice right now. He's quiet if she talks to him. Gets restless if she stops." Wordy blew out a breath. "What are we going to do?"
Greg looked at them all seeing the same pain he was feeling reflected in all their faces "We are going to do whatever is necessary to bring him back. Team's off rotation for two weeks given Ed's and Spike's injuries. We will be here for him. I'll call Dawn in the morning too."
"This is entirely my fault. I left him high and dry without backup tonight." Ed grated out, rage barely contained needing to pace but unable. "Make that high and wet without backup. I should have gone up when he first said he had a problem. Hell I should have gone up after the first hour. But I didn't. I let the fact that he always comes through for us color my judgement tonight when he needed me most."
Spike couldn't sit anymore and paced in a circle "Why did he have trouble with his eyes tonight? They've been clear for weeks. Why tonight? What was different?"
"Maybe it was fatigue. Can't be easy to focus through a scope for more than four hours. That first night he was back in his apartment he told us it was harder to focus when his eyes were tired" Wordy offered softly as he stared out Sam's window.
Ed slammed his fists on the couch several times "Dammit. If I had just relieved him sooner."
Blowing out a breath Greg shook his head "I don't know. He was okay for so long. Ed you checked on him regularly."
"A whole hell of lot a good that did? I'm the one that didn't want to put him in Sierra One and what did I do? I put him in Sierra One" Ed bit out bitterly.
"Easy Eddie. It's not your fault" Greg said trying to calm Ed.
Ed glared at Greg with one eyebrow raised and snarled "Like hell it's not my fault. I'm the TL, it's my job. My job to protect the team. And what did I do? I ran into Spike causing his shoulder injury and this." He waved at his own knee "Leaving Sam no backup, in a position he clearly wasn't ready for. The stress of it causing him to do … this … God dammit. Why the hell did he do this?"
He couldn't sit anymore and grabbed the crutches and stamped back and forth angrily.
Wordy looked at Ed feeling so many emotions for two good friends both in pain right now. Right now he could only help Ed so he walked in front of Ed preventing him from moving more.
He placed a hand on both shoulders and said firmly "Your anger is not helping Ed. We need to understand what happened to find a way to help him. Blaming ourselves or each other isn't going to help Sam. So stow it for now. Sit down before you do more damage to your knee."
It was a glaring match for several minutes. Finally Ed blew out a ragged breath and sat down. Wordy sat next to him.
Needing to get them focused on helping Greg asked "Wordy's right we need to understand what brought him to the breaking point. What was it he said to you on the roof again Ed?"
Ed leaned his head back and closed his eyes as he searched his mind for the exact words "He said: I shouldn't be here. I'm a liability to the team."
Wordy pulled the note Sam left in the locker out of his pocket "The note says almost the same thing, it says: I'm sorry I failed you today. I'm a liability to your safety. You deserve someone you can count on to protect you. I don't belong here now. I'm tired, so tired of failing."
Pacing Spike added "When we found him at Matt's grave he said: I'm tired of hurting so much. I'm too tired to fight anymore."
Spike stopped and picked up Beauty. He turned it on, no sound.
"I think he tried to help himself. But Beauty is dead. I should have transferred it to a newer model" Spike said glumly and resumed pacing angry with himself for not doing so and mulling over the words Sam said and left for them.
Greg sat dejectedly. He had to think this through. Dawn said Sam was having trouble accepting things were not his fault. Did she know how close to the edge Sam was?
No. If she did she wouldn't have said he was fit for duty. Dammit Sam, I thought you trusted her. Greg's anger at Sam surged thinking he had hidden things and bullshitted his way past Dawn too. He slammed his fist on the desk jarring everyone.
"Sorry" he said distractedly as he rubbed his face briskly and returned to his internal deliberation.
No. No he didn't. The anger ebbed out of Greg. Sam was honest with Dawn. It was more likely Sam just didn't know how close to the edge he really was. Sam had coped better than most would but he had reached the edge without knowing he was so close. Sam couldn't see the edge. Eyes, it came down to seeing both literally and metaphorically.
Spike stopped pacing, tears puddled in the corners of his eyes threatening to fall. Emotion nearly choking off his words he rasped out "We need to help him see that he belongs here and he did not fail us. If anything we failed him tonight. We failed to protect him. I will NOT standby doing nothing again and lose another brother."
Greg saw Spike was about to lose it completely. He stood and pulled him close and resolutely stated "Faremo capire come salvare il nostro fratello. Non lasciarlo cadere. Troveremo un modo per fermare il male. Se è troppo stanco per combattere ci batteremo per lui fino a che non è abbastanza forte per combattere per se stesso."
Wordy looked at Greg and asked "What did you tell Spike?"
Clearing his throat easing the constriction Greg said "We will figure out how to save our brother. We will not let him fall. We will find a way to stop the hurting. If he is too tired to fight we will fight for him until he is strong enough to fight for himself again."
Everyone nodded in agreement as the words resonated with each. Not sure yet how to proceed but they all knew they would figure it out.
Spike was not sure what to do but he needed to see Sam. Briskly he walked to Sam's room. He stopped abruptly in the doorway. Peering in for several moments then he closed the door. Spike went to sit down in Sam's swivel chair. The others looked at him puzzled by his actions.
Softly Greg asked "Spike?"
Spike looked over to Greg dazed "What?"
"Why did you close the door?" Greg asked.
The image Spike had just seen was touching but very private. Sam was curled on his side with his head in Jules' lap. He heard Sam's quiet sobs and saw his shoulders lightly shaking. Tears were flowing silent from Jules' eyes as she comforted him gently stroking his hair and caressing his face.
Spike's throat constricted and he choked out "Jules knows what to do to help him for right now."
Ed went to get up "Eddie stay put. Let Jules handle it for now. If she needs our help she'll ask for it" Greg said firmly as he went to the couch and sat down.
"Like she did after the redheaded bitch?" Ed said softly to no one in particular.
All the guys nodded. Wordy rose needing to pace himself now as the memories of that incident reasserted themselves in his brain. They almost lost him that day too.
Leah was at a loss at what Ed meant by his statement but decided it did not matter at the moment. She had been sitting silently watching mostly forgotten by the others. They were all focused on the suicide attempt and wondering how to help him. Important, but something was niggling at the back of her mind. She was still stuck on Spike's question why tonight, what happened to cause his vision to blur?
Breaking the silence and out of left field Leah exclaimed "The stairs."
Ed whipped his head toward her surprised, forgetting that Leah was even there "What do you mean the stairs?"
"I saw Sam hit his head on the bottom step" she said quietly.
"What?" Wordy asked coming to stop next to Leah and staring at her.
Shifting a little uncomfortably under the four men's intense gazes "I was just wondering what caused his vision to get blurry. Like Spike said it has been weeks since he had the problem. He got the A-ok from the SRU optometrist too. So why tonight? When he fell down the stairs with the second subject he hit his head hard on the bottom step."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Ed belted out reproachfully.
"Maybe I should have said something but I didn't think anything of it until now. He seemed fine and he was off so fast to get into position when Greg said we needed Sierra One and you told him to go Ed" Leah countered defensively.
Wordy placed a reassuring hand on Leah's shoulder then looked at Ed and Spike "Did he get checked out by EMS before SIU took him?"
Both answered angrily "No."
Greg immediately went to Sam's room. He knocked softly to let Jules know he was entering. He opened the door. What he saw touched him deeply. There was something about these two. A genuine connection.
Jules looked up completely drained emotionally. Dried tear streaks on her face "Shhh he finally fell asleep" Jules said in a soft, raw, uneven, overused voice.
Greg turned on the light and strode to the bed. He noticed the bruising above and around his left eye they had not seen in the dim lighting at the cemetery. Not wanting to wake him but needing to see Greg gently shook Sam's shoulder "Sam. I need you to open your eyes buddy."
Glaring at Greg, Jules croaked out "He needs rest. Don't wake him."
Ignoring her he continued gently shaking his shoulder to wake Sam. Jules put her hand on Greg's to stop him. Greg realized she didn't understand why. "Jules it is important. Leah said he hit his head tonight. He was having trouble seeing. We need to wake him."
Jules leaned over and near his ear softly just barely a whisper said "Sam. I need you to wake up for me. Just for a little bit. Can you open your eyes for me? Please. It's important. Open your eyes for me."
Sam's eyes opened at her request. In the bright light of the room both saw his left eye and gasped.
The gasps brought the other members of the team into the room. Spike took one look at Sam's eye and his own eyes widened in disbelief "My god! What the hell happened? Was it like that in the cemetery?"
Leaning close to Sam's face Wordy inspected his left eye. The entire white of his eye was blood red.
Urgently Wordy said "Greg call EMS, he needs to be checked now. I've seen something like this before. The hemorrhaging could be a few things some innocuous but if it is a detached retina he needs help now."
Wordy shivered at the image of Shel's blood red eyes the night he discovered her ex-husband abused her. Her ex had slammed Shel's head on the ground. Luckily for Shel it was only a subconjunctival hemorrhage. But Wordy remembered all the things the doctor said it could be before they finished the exam.
Greg took out his phone and dialed "We need EMS, SRU officer with head injury."
He gave them the details and Sam's address. The Greg asked Leah to wait for EMS down stairs and bring them up when they got here. She nodded and hurried out.
Sam became aware he was in his room surrounded by the team. He was confused. The last thing he clearly remembered was sitting on the roof next to Ed after taking the shot.
How did he get here? Why were they here? He saw them blurry through a red haze. "Why? How?"
They all saw the confusion on his face and in his voice.
Memory of what he tried to do filtered in. Aw crap. Sam didn't realize just how F.I.N.E. he was until right now.
The team all saw comprehension of what he had almost done and then fear of rejection cross Sam's face.
Ed sat on the bed and placed his hand on Sam's shoulder "Samo, you're tired just rest now buddy, rest now."
Spike moved in close "You don't have to fight alone. We are here for you."
Jules brushed through his hair "Sam thank you for protecting me today."
Wordy sat on the other side of Sam and placed a hand on his leg "Buddy, we know you hurt. Let us help."
Greg moved close putting and arm around Spike's shoulder and a hand on Wordy's. Wordy put his hand on and Jules shoulder. Ed reached out and put his hand on Jules other shoulder. Jules continued stroke Sam's hair but moved her other hand to Ed's shoulder. Spike wrapped one arm around Greg and reached out for Ed's other shoulder.
Lying curled on his side his head in Jules' lap Sam was enclosed in a tight protective circle of his SRU family. United. Solid. Strong. Team. Family.
Greg looked at each of them then stopped his gaze on Sam then said emphatically "We are sorry we failed you today. That we put you at risk and you were hurt. You deserve to be protected too. We are family. When one hurts, we all hurt. When one falls we pick them up. We are stronger together. We are not letting you go. You belong here."
Five Weeks Later – Bridgelife Rehab Facility – Saturday 4:00 pm
"Boss, the subject just released the hostage but now has the gun to his own head. I've got the solution" Sam called out within seconds of setting up the Remi.
He settled in to wait scanning the area for useful information to feed to the team. It was good to be back, really back this time.
Ongoing therapy was helping. Team One and Dawn had fought for him until he was strong enough to fight for himself again. They never let him fall. They brought him back from the edge. Some very deep wounds were finally starting to heal and the hurt was lessening. They had helped him get his head on straight again.
His eyes were also back in tiptop condition. Luckily it was only a small vitreous hemorrhage. The impact on the stairs had caused the blood vessels in the back of his eye to bleed. The leakage of blood into the vitreous humor caused the blurriness and reddish tint to his vision.
The doctor easily fixed it with laser treatment. It took a few weeks for the blood to completely clear which was okay with him. It gave him more time to get his head on straight and lots of time to spend with Ben. God that boy was such a kick, so like his dad.
"Hold. Jules is on the way" Greg called out. He shared a quick look with Ed.
Before they could speak Spike called out "Boss, eyes in. Awful picture quality, grainy and oh Crap."
Greg was outside the command truck, he pulled the door open and was entering as he said "What is it Spike?"
"Boss, it is Leo" Spike said stunned. Jules, Wordy and Leah stopped running up the stairs for a moment.
Jules' shocked voice said "Spike you mean Leo Patel?"
Ed and Greg were now looking at the monitors with Spike just as stunned.
Greg called out "Yes Jules. Are you almost there?"
Picking up the pace Jules called out "Two more flights."
Greg turned to Ed they muted the headsets. Ed said "Greg, this just went from bad to worse. Potential Suicide. Ex-SRU. JTF2. How many triggers do you think there could there for Sam? Should I bench him?"
"Not yet, let's see what information Jules gets from the floor nurse" Greg responded.
Greg thought 'triggers' interesting word for them to use with regard to their sniper. But it was the term Dr. Tansy had used. Sam had invited him to join a few sessions to discuss his transition back to the team.
Then he, Ed and Sam sat down and had several long conversations establishing guidelines for his return. One guideline was that Sam would accept without question being benched if either Greg or Ed felt he could be compromised in a situation. Sam had agreed to the condition.
Ed nodded to Greg then he unmuted and asked "Samo you okay?"
He asked Sam that a lot lately. Hell everyone on the team did. They all kept a very close watch on Sam. The funny thing about it was Sam didn't seem to balk much about it like he had in the past. Sam seemed to accept it more readily.
Sam even accepted without question the three times this week he had benched him. Greg told him to back off a bit and insisted that he was being over-protective now. But Ed didn't care. It was Sam's first week back and Ed was damned sure he was not going to lose Sam. If he had to bench him a dozen times he would.
The intense guilt he had over leaving Sam on that rooftop injured for four hours still had not abated. He still also felt directly responsible for driving him to the breaking point. The last time he benched him, Sam had laughed and said Ed should book a few sessions with Dr. Tansy, she was great at helping people deal with unresolved guilt for things that were out of their control. It was good to see Sam's sense of humor restored.
As Sam rolled his eyes at Ed's question he glad Ed could not see him. He was being very over-protective. Sam could now see how Jules felt about him being over-protective of her. It was a bit stifling at times, but at the same time it felt nice knowing Ed cared.
Sam answered "Yeah Ed, I'm good." Then he asked "Is this the same Leo that was my first replacement? The one that went back to Special Forces?"
"Yes" Ed answered flatly.
Sam looked through the scope and re-scanned the area. Leo was sitting in a chair in the back corner with the gun to his temple. Sam saw he had a lost, hopeless look in his cloudy, unfocused eyes. He saw the white cane with a red tip next to him. He sucked in a breath.
"Sam?" Ed immediately called out hearing the intake of breath.
"I'm okay Ed" was Sam's immediate response not wanting Ed to worry.
Sam couldn't bring himself to call Leo 'the subject' now so he said "It's just Leo is in the far back corner in a chair. Guys he's lost. He's hurting. Probably doesn't see a future. We need to help him."
Greg was looking at the monitors. The quality was poor. The only camera angle they had only showed him from the shoulders up from the side. "Sam what makes you say that? Our angle is bad, doesn't show much. Spike only recognized him when he briefly turned his head."
Training his eye on Leo's face he said "I can see it in his eyes, his face. But mostly because I can see he's lost his vision. He's blind he has a white cane with a red tip next to him. You said that he left SRU and went back to the military because that was where he fit. Well he's lost that now. So…"
Ed's glare at Greg clearly said 'bench him now or I will'. Greg shook his head definitively.
Defying Greg, Ed called out "Sam, coming to you. Benched." Ed raced from the truck to Sam's position.
As Ed was enroute Jules informed them "The nurse says Leo arrived here five days ago for transitional living training. He was blinded in an explosion. His retina's detached and they were unable to repair them. She says he had been depressed and unwilling to participate in therapy. A buddy came to visit him today. That is where he got the gun. Boss, do you want me to engage or are you?"
Greg was headed out of the truck as Sam approached. He could see he was pissed but Sam was following through on his commitment to accept it without questioning.
"Jules, Sam and I are heading in now" Greg stated.
Sam's head snapped up at that and he looked to Greg who just gave him a small smile and slight nod of his head to follow. Sam grabbed his MP5 and followed quickly.
Ed bit his tongue. He wouldn't contradict Greg on this now but later they were going to have words privately. He saw what Sam had seen and it was distressing. Ed thought another failure to add to his personal list, it was growing too fast lately. The team's behavior had driven Leo to reactivate. Christ he was gonna have to book a few session with Dr. Tansy at this rate of guilt trips he was taking.
Greg, Sam and Wordy approached. From a distance Greg called out "Leo its Greg Parker. Can we talk? I'd like to help."
Leo flinched at the voice "There's nothing to talk about. Just go away."
Greg tried again "Leo if you put the gun down we can help. Do you want to tell me how you …"
"GO AWAY I don't want to talk to you. YOU cannot understand" Leo raged.
Greg tried several more times and it was evident that he was not connecting. Greg looked to Sam. He did well with the military guys. Was he up to this? Negotiation was not his strong suit. If he tried and it went badly would it trigger Sam?
Sam had been watching, listening. He sucked at negotiation but he thought he might just be the right one to connect with Leo. Quietly he whispered "Boss, let me try."
Over the headset Ed said "No. I benched you."
Sam looked at Greg. His eyes pleaded for him to say yes, let him try.
Greg said quietly "Ok Sam. I have confidence in you." What he left unsaid was if this goes south I will insist on Dawn's clearance before you return to shift.
Sam called out "Leo, my name is Sam Braddock with SRU. Can …"
"Braddock? Sam Braddock?" Leo asked stunned.
Sam looked to Greg. He nodded go ahead. Sam answered "Yes Sam Braddock. You are Leo Patel right?"
Leo nodded "Braddock as in son of General Badass Braddock. The Sam Braddock I replaced?"
"Yeah that's me" Sam answered.
"How? I mean you reactivated. You had five years. How are you with SRU again?" he asked.
Sam explained briefly how that transpired. Greg noted that Leo's posture was relaxing as Sam spoke.
"So that about covers it. I hear you reactivated. What unit were you with? Who was your CO?" Sam asked.
Leo started to talk. Over the course of the next half hour Sam had gotten Leo to relax and the gun was now in his lap instead of at his head but he wasn't willing to hand it over.
"So you see Sam, you understand without my eyes I'm nothing. I'm a sniper. It's what I'm good at. I mean what I was good at." The gun started to rise again.
"Leo you are not only a sniper. Every JTF2 soldier is cross-trained in other skills. What were other things you liked to do?" Sam tried hoping to see the gun drop again.
Leo shook his head "Nothing I could do without my eyes?" The gun rose to the temple again.
Sam took several steps forward. In his ear he heard Ed telling him to get back. He ignored him. "Leo please put the gun down."
"But I have nothing to live for. You can't understand that. It hurts so much. I just want the pain to end. But you all-mighty Badass Jr. wouldn't know anything about losing what's important to you. You really have no idea what it is like for a sniper to lose his sight. I just want to die" Leo said despondently.
Sam closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. "That's where you would be wrong Leo. I know exactly how that feels." He shared his story.
As he concluded Sam said "… friends and family are what get you through. Leo if you will allow me I'd like to help. JTF2 regardless of unit, we are like family, we always have each other's back. Same with SRU. I know how hard it is. But I know some great guys that are willing to help. Please let me help you find the beauty of life again."
Leo lowered the gun and held it out to Sam. Sam took the gun and handed off to Wordy. Then he embraced Leo as he broke down into sobs. Over his headset Sam heard the team all congratulate him on a successful outcome.
The last comment was from Greg "Nice work Sam. You fought for him until he was strong enough to fight for himself."
.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed the journey and spending time in my version FP world. If this is the first story of mine you have read and liked my style, check out my profile page for details on my other FP stories if interested.
As always comments or reviews are appreciated. Would love to hear what you liked or didn't like in this story to help guide me in future ones.