Once Upon A Time…

My hero has run off with some stupid vampire!

This cannot be happening! This simply CANNOT be happening! My story is falling apart! Oh, my beautiful, lovely fairytale retelling. You had so much potential. I worked so hard on you. Crafting you… telling your tale. But oh, now it's all gone. All gone. Because one DUMBASS HERO couldn't just FOLLOW THE PLOT.

I can't even watch. It's too horrific.

"Wait, so why did we just stop here?" Alfred asked. Francis gave the slightest grin. Tony, who had been following along casually, was very bored and expressed this by bumping into Alfred with his magic bubble.

"Watch this." He struck the grassy earth with his foot, and then glanced up at Alfred, awaiting a response.

"Um, okay?" Alfred had begun to wonder just how sane Francis was.

"tH1$ maN 1$ CrAZy." Tony stated eloquently.

Yes! Alfred, that man is HIGHLY DANGEROUS due to his LACK OF SANITY. PLEASE RUN AWAY AS FAR AS YOU CAN FROM HIM.

Instead of doing what our narrator instructed, Alfred gasped.

What?

It started small. Small cracks formed in the hard-packed dirt under Francis's boot. They grew and grew until the earth itself was splitting open, particles of dust covering everything. Alfred's eyes stung and began to tear up. Tony did not have the same problem, being contained in a magical bubble.

The debris cleared to reveal a giant tunnel extending down into the ground, curving at the bottom until fully flattening out into a cave. Francis was waiting at the edge, wearing a small smirk.

"Dude… YOU JUST MADE THAT TUNNEL APPEAR OUT OF NOTHING! That is AWESOME! How did you learn to do that?" Alfred ran up to Francis in excitement. "Can you teach me? That would be AWESOME!" He screamed.

"I didn't do that," explained Francis. "I have a friend who's a sorcerer. He created this."

Alfred looked up in surprise. "Is your friend named Arthur?"

"No!" Francis yelped. "No, he's… he's not Arthur."

"Okay?" Alfred was a little surprised at Francis's startled response.

How does this weird guy know Arthur? HAS HE BEEN MESSING WITH ALL MY CHARACTERS? IS THAT WHY THEY'RE SO SCREWED UP?

"His name is Vladimir."

"Is he a..."

"Vampire? Yes."

"But how can he be a sorcerer then?" Francis gave Alfred an apprehensive glance.

"Do you know how vampires work?" Alfred shook his head.

"Well," Francis explained. "Anyone, of any species, except for ghosts, is prone to becoming a vampire. All they need is for someone who is one already to bite them. For the span of about five months, they will undergo some physical changes -not to mention their newfound immortality- like fangs and the loss of need for food or water. Instead, their body only needs one substance to live: blood. They have to learn to hunt down prey and drink its blood. Due to this newfound demand of living creatures, vampires are naturally faster, stronger, and more agile than humans, as well as most other creatures. We can jump higher and cling onto surfaces with more ease. When we find our prey and feast on its blood, we kill it," he paused for a second "we cannot turn it into another vampire."

"Has a vampire ever tried to not drink blood?" Francis froze, but recovered quickly.

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"A vampire will die without blood." Francis simply responded, not completely answering Alfred's question. "But, you have to understand that a vampire, after consuming the substance, will go into a sort of high. Their senses will be dulled, along with their morals. A vampire will… attack anything they please, making them highly dangerous."

"Oh…" Alfred trailed off. "I suppose that explains it, then."

"Explains what?"

"Nothing… just this story I used to hear from… a friend." Alfred didn't dare mention Arthur's name due to the shaken expression on Francis's face when he did earlier. "They said that vampires don't have souls."

"Really?" Alfred was oblivious to the vampire, obviously hurt by that statement. "I see."

"a1Fr3D, $hUT uP." Tony sensed Francis's discomfort to what our hero said. But, alas, Tony was ignored.

"But, I mean, that's not true."

"No, it isn't."

"Obviously not, because you've been pretty friendly to me, right?"

"Yes. Let's go in now." Francis gestured to the tunnel. As soon as he saw our hero follow, he jumped with no hesitation into the dark abyss. Alfred looked down, surprised to not see a bloody splat on the ground. Instead, he saw Francis, calling up to him.

"There's a rope over there!" he yelled. It took Alfred a couple of seconds to realize that yes, there was a sturdy rope leading down into the tunnel. He grasped it with both hands, ignoring the burns on his palms. Looking at the distance between him and the ground, Alfred began to feel quite lightheaded.

Oh my god what the hell is he doing. Why? Why does he feel the need to CLIMB INTO A PRETTY MUCH VERTICAL DROP TO FOLLOW A VAMPIRE FOR NO REASON? I swear I will never understand these characters. It's almost like they're human!

Inching closer and closer to the end of the tunnel, Alfred's palms started to swear. He caught his breath a couple of times as the rope he clung onto would shake under his weight. However, he persevered, like any true hero would. Finally nearing the bottom, he jumped, the impact of the fall stinging his feet. Wincing, he turned to Francis for direction. Tony, the sly motherfucker, was already waiting there due to his amazing bubble powers that enabled him to just float down. The vampire gestured his head at… at probably the weirdest dwelling Alfred had ever seen.

It was run down, and not that well kept, but it made up for that in its grandeur. Inside the enormous cavern the tunnel led to a colossal mansion. It stood at least five stories high, yet the sides were caving in and falling apart. Mammoth slabs of wood, as well as some magic, seemed to be keeping it up more than its original foundation. The little rose-red paint that was left on the exterior was peeling. The stained glass windows that weren't shattered yet, while beautiful in their own respects, were covered in dust. The entire place had an abandoned feeling, but also a certain allure to it: the house was a house of mystery, a house to explore. Without hesitation, Francis swung open the front doors to reveal even more decay. Alfred nervously creeped in, glancing everywhere he looked just to take it all in. The main hallway used to be completely covered in this flowery wallpaper, now most of it had fallen to the floor or chipped. Odd, intricate designs were drawn on the walls in black paint. Some looked like spiderwebs, but with much more depth. Others were of symbols Alfred had never seen in his life, written on the walls like a long-lost alphabet.

The wooden floors creaked under Alfred's old leather boots. He saw a large black creature lurking in the corner of his eye. Swinging his head around to get a better look, he jumped back in surprise as to see that it was a black dog, some breed of shepherd. It had a white chest and deep brown eyes. As it stared at our hero he felt a shiver go up his spine. "Um, Francis," he tried to explain "There's… a dog… in the house." Francis stiffened and turned around to see what Alfred was talking about. Tony gave the magical-sea-serpent-inside-an-even-more-magical-silver-bubble equivalent of a hiss.

"Oh, yes." He gave a nervous laugh. "That… thing… would be Vladmir's. His name is Prieten." The vampire's eyes, filled with disgust, lingered on Prieten for a while.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing!" Francis said hastily. "I just never really… liked dogs. Honestly, they can be a bit overbearing."

"But they're so friendly!" Alfred bent down to pet the lovely Prieten. Tony gave the friendly dog the magical-sea-serpent-inside-an-even-more-magical-silver-bubble equivalent of a staredown. Prieten gave a happy bark.

ALFRED! You don't know where that dog has been! He could be carrying diseases around! He could bite you! Why are you so keen on disobeying me?

tHat'$ 1T, y0U fUCk1NG b1tCh!" Tony was so done with this shit. He steered his bubble into Prieten's side, slamming it and slamming it repeatedly. Prieten gave a happy bark, and started swatting Tony's bubble as if it were a giant ball.

"AHhHhhhHhhH a1Fr3D H3lp M3!" Our sea-serpent friend screamed as he somersaulted across the floor.

"Aww, look Francis! They're bonding!" Alfred smiled. Francis gave our hero a concerned look.

"What's going on in here?" A tall man entered the room, presumably Vladimir. The first thing that stood out to Alfred was his eyes. In the darkness of the house, they appeared to be a blood red. However, apart from that, he gave off a calm demeanor. He had light brown hair, cut shoulder-length and rather choppy: some strands distinctly longer than the others. A tiny red hat with long ribbons attached to it was pinned on the right side of his head, something that looked kind of silly to Alfred. He wore a dark red cape that made him appear larger than he actually was.

"Francis!" he grinned (showing off his frighteningly large fangs), not acknowledging Alfred at first. "How have you been?"

"Good, good." Instantly, Francis was more outgoing, or at least certainly louder. "How's your brother?"

"Fine. Hasn't stopped by in a while, do hope he's fine."

"Stop worrying! It's only been a week since you two have met up! C'mon, he's a young vampire, it's natural for him to want to see the world."

Vladimir chuckled. "That doesn't mean I have to like it. Anyway, Georgi hasn't come over anytime this week. Have you seen him at all?"

Francis smirked. "I last saw him chasing around some fairies with a stick. Does that count?"

Vladmir howled at his remark. Alfred began to feel quite awkward. He didn't know any of these people, or what made this so funny. "Classic Georgi. But guess who did decide to stop by? Elizabeth."

There were a few seconds of silence. Finally, Francis replied "Aw, she's not so bad."

"Well, it wasn't her idea to visit me. She's traveling with that shadow assassin, Gilbert."

"Wasn't she a fairy? I know Gilbert, and he doesn't seem to be the type to let fairies tag along."

"She used to be a fairy. She lost her wings and became a knight. Now she's traveling all around the world."

"What? Why would she do that?"

"Well, you know fairies. They assist heroes, but don't become ones."

"True, true."

Finally, Vladimir queried about Alfred's appearance. "Who's this?"

"This is Alfred. He's an amateur hero, and needs help." Alfred felt a twinge of annoyance. So maybe he had never gone on a quest before. But he was the perfect storybook hero, not just some amateur!

"Was he one of those…?" Francis held up a hand to silence Vladimir, giving him a warning look.

Alfred decided it was time to take control of the conversation. "I'm wondering if you've heard of any prince disappearances. You see, these fairies kinda told me to go on this quest to save a kidnapped prince, but they never told me who he is, or what kidnapped him, or where this thing may be."

Romania paused for a second, thinking. Finally, he replied. "Actually, prince Feliks apparently disappeared in the middle of the night. Rumor has it that he WAS kidnapped. Shame, really. He was going to be married the morning after to Princess Lucille Bonnefoy.

Francis stiffened and gave a low growl. "I'm actually very glad the wedding never occurred." Vladmir gave Francis a sympathetic look.

"She… she was my sister, you see." Francis explained to Alfred, who was clearly confused.

"You were born into royalty?"

"Yes… I was, unfortunately. After I was bitten, well… it just wouldn't have been appropriate for the king and queen to have a vampire as a son. So I was presumed dead, and cast away." He glanced to the floor. There was a long pause before Francis said, "It just isn't fair, these royal marriages. I know how they work. It's so… horrendous. There's no love involved, none at all. Just two poor young people forced to be together to settle some dispute." He smiled. "Lucille hated the thought of them. I bet she's very relieved that she didn't have to tie the knot yet."

Alfred nodded, smiling. He decided not to mention his thoughts on the monarchy. "So, who do you think kidnapped this prince?"

"Well, if I can bet anyone, I would bet it was Ivan who took him." Vladimir replied.

"Ivan?"

"Yes. He's an infamous yeti. I would be surprised if he wasn't behind this."

"Would you happen to know where he's located?"

"Of course! He lives in a great castle in the north, the most frozen tundra in the entire kingdom. Legend has it that he is ten feet tall, and wears a scarf sewn from the skins of his enemies!"

Finally! Our antagonist enters! Perhaps this story has SOME hope left!

Alfred shivered at the thought of this "Ivan". He sounded like a pretty powerful enemy. But he was the perfect storybook hero! He could conquer anything!

"Can you give me a map of where I can find this beast?" Vladimir smiled. He disappeared into another hallway for a second as Alfred heard a ripping sound. When he returned, he was clutching a piece of wallpaper.

Giving it to Alfred, our hero realized that a map was crudely drawn on it in black paint. He frowned, as he could hardly read it. "Are you sure this will lead me to this monster?"

"Of course!" Vladimir waved his hand, and the black lines began to thin and transform. More colors were added to the blank spaces within, and lettering appeared. In only a couple of seconds, the original piece of wallpaper was now a professional-looking and elaborate map.

Alfred grinned. "That was amazing! Thanks, Vladimir."

"Please, call me Vlad."

"Thanks Vlad!"

"Also, I think it would be good for you to have a copy of this," Vlad thrusted a large book into Alfred's hands. "It's a must-need for every hero."

Alfred read the title: HEROISM FOR DUMMIES "Wow, this looks great!"

"Well, you really should get going. This quest isn't going to complete itself, right?"

"Right!" Alfred shook both vampires' hands. "Thank you again, Vladimir! Thank you, Francis!"

"Best wishes, Alfred!"

"Good luck!"

He began to turn and walk away. Tony, very shaken up from Prieten's playful attitude, angrily followed.

"wHat T00k y0U $0 L0nG?" Our angry sea-serpent friend demanded an answer.

"Hey, Tony," Alfred contemplated. "I think I just made some… friends."

"L0v3ly. I waNT t0 bRUtalLY mURd3R tHAt d0g."

Alfred laughed. "You're so funny, Tony."

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

What's this? An author's note AFTER the chapter! Blasphemy! Anyway, the reason why I didn't put it before what I wrote was because of spoilers. And that would suck if the author spoiled the chapter before you got to read it.

Vlad's dog is a Romanian Raven Shepard Dog. His name is Prieten, which is Romanian for "friend". Please note that I do not know Romanian and that I got this translation from an online dictionary. If it is incorrect, please let me know in a review.

Also: I wasn't able to find a human name for Bulgaria, so I gave him the name "Georgi", due to that being a popular Bulgarian name for a boy (or at least according to the website I got it from). The same thing happened with Lucille, as there is no canon name for aph Monaco. So I used a popular Fanon name. Moldova is mentioned as "Romania's brother".

Another thing: I know how Romania's hair is described as strawberry blond in the anime, but brown in the manga. I decided to go with a light brown because... well, with all the pictures of Romania that I've seen, his hair looks more like a light brown. Idk, consider it artistic license.

Please fav and follow if you enjoy this story! And feel free to review! Thanks for reading!