BEFORE THE STORY: AN AUTHOR'S NOTE
I kinda like adding these author's notes at the beginning of each chapter. I don't know why, I just like it.
Anyway, this chapter will be a bit different, but do not despair: your regularly scheduled Fantalia will continue next chapter.
The only other thing I want to address is the numbering. The formatting seems off? Idk, I'll try to fix it.
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HEROISM FOR DUMMIES: A GUIDE TO BEING THE PERFECT STORYBOOK HERO
By Richard Small, founder of Smalltown.
Hey there, heroes and heroines (please note: when we use the word "hero" in the rest of this book we are referring to you too, ladies) everywhere! Are YOU ready to become a hero? Sure you are! Why else would you be reading this? If you just picked this book up randomly because you're bored or you're a nerd and have nothing better to do, PUT IT DOWN RIGHT NOW. THIS STRICT MANUAL IS ONLY INTENDED FOR TRUE HEROES! 'But,' you may be asking, 'what exactly IS a hero?' Well, here's your answer:
A hero, is, by definition, someone who shows valiancy and sacrifice when doing a good deed. 'But,' you may be thinking 'doesn't that make most people a hero? What's so special about being a hero then? What's the point of this book?' Well, you see eager beaver, there's a clear difference between normal heroes and storybook heroes*. A storybook hero is a hero whose deed is grand, and not obtainable to normal people. Classic storybook heroes include King Arthur of Camelot, Beowulf, and me, Richard Small! 'But,' you may be thinking, 'I've never done a good deed in my life! I'm not even a normal hero, never mind a storybook one!' Well, that ends TODAY. TODAY, you learn to be a storybook hero and even go on the quest of your dreams!**
Now, heroism is a hard gig. Most kids die. Whoa there, don't worry! YOU won't die, because YOU'RE reading this!*** But, you may be asking, what exactly is this book going to teach you? Doesn't heroism take years and years of good deeds? Well, yes. But, with this book, I can assure you that you won't die a painful, horrendous death. Instead, you're gonna learn every tip and trick that can ensure your success on your quest! Personally, I know that my journey to slay the Narwhal of All Sins**** would have been MUCH easier with this handy guide! To make your questing easier, I have arranged this book into twenty six easy chapters to read.
1.What to Bring
2.How to Deal With Other Heroes
3.Wild Creatures You May Find
4.What to Do in Emergencies
5.Trusting Strangers
6.How to Not Get Off Track
7.Dealing With Internal Turmoil
8.Crossing Bridges
9.Dealing With Your Sidekick
10.What to and to NOT Put in Your Mouth
11.All About Me, Richard Small (Because I Got Bored Writing This)
12.What to Do With Strange Cats (?)
13.How to Hit Yourself in the Face to Stay Awake
14.All About Potatoes
15.Dealing With Boredom (Heh I Need That Right Now)
16.When You Eventually Get There
17.Storming the Castle
18.Defeating the Beast
19.Gutting the Beast
20.Eating the Beast's Remains
21.Saving the Princess (and NOT Eating Her)
22.Getting Rejected When You Ask Her Out
23.Throwing a Crazy Party
24.Giving All the Credit to Richard Small
25.Getting Back Home
26.The Happy Ending
As you see, all these chapters are fundamentally important in the process of becoming a perfect storybook hero. Please read all of them. Like, starting right now.
Happy Questing!
Richard Small, Professional Storybook Hero
*The author of this book has no idea if this is an actual term or anything. He just made it up… heh.
**Smalltown Publishing does not guarantee that you will ever go on a quest or be a hero at all.
***Smalltown Publishing is not responsible for any injury; sickness; dismemberment; physical, mental, or emotional toll on you or your loved ones; lost possessions; uncovered secrets that you were better off not forgetting; or death that was caused on your quest. Neither is the author; however he does apologize for any of the above things that may happen on this quest.
****The Narwhal of All Sins is not a real animal.
CHAPTER ONE: WHAT TO BRING
The essentials for all living animals are simple: food, water, shelter, and oxygen. So, keep this in mind when you're preparing for your trek across the world to save a dragon, or any other related quest you may be going on. Of course, you're going to need a few other things, but these four vital supplies are CRUCIAL for your success on any quest. Think about how longs things will last before they perish.
The easiest thing on this list to acquire, as well as probably the most important, is good ol' air! No, because this is the freaking medieval times, we haven't found a way to store and pack it yet, so just be aware if you may be going to regions that are underwater, or have a high altitude, that your lungs will be craving the stuff! If you are unable to survive in these areas for numerous reasons, then I suggest staying away from them. Yes, the Lava Kingdom (which can be found by jumping into your local lava pit) counts too!
Ah, water. We all need it. And it is relatively easy to find, you may sometimes find yourself stuck somewhere without water, like the desert or the Lava Kingdom. If you are at these circumstances, consider hunting down a local animal and sucking its blood. Yes, just like how a vampire would. Look at you, knowing so much! However, another solution would be to find a plant like a cactus (this is a tip for if you're trapped in the desert, not the Lava Kingdom). Break it open and enjoy whatever water you could find inside! If you can't find water, flora or fauna, then I suggest you just throw up your arms in the air and yell "That's it, I give up! Tell Jessica that I love her!" or possibly "Oh, why?! WHY CRUEL GOD WHY?! JUST TAKE ME OUT OF MY MISERY!" Hey, these screams may even attract the locals to come to your aid!
Food is probably the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of things to bring on your quest. However, do take in mind how most foods can go bad in a couple of weeks! To protect yourself from this happening, I suggest stealing. Yes, that's right, steal. Burglarize, rob, whatever floats your boat. Brandish your sword in the air as you scream "GIVE ME YOUR FOOD! I AM STARVING! MUST GET FOOOOD!" What is that? That doesn't seem like something a perfect fairytale hero would do? Oh, give me a break. All the heroes do it. How did you think that mighty prince who traveled for YEARS to slay the dragon and save the princess keep himself from collapsing from hunger? Did he get a day job? Please. Your minor crimes will be forgotten once you do your heroic deed.
And, last but certainly not least, shelter. I was going to write about how you can make a tent out of a tree branch and your wife's fabulous party dress, but screw it! Just scare (or better yet, murder) the people in one of the houses you stole food from and sleep there! See, problem solved! Heroism is EASY!
Now that we've got the basics down, here are more miscellaneous things you should pack:
-A torch. No doubt that you'll be wandering around in the dark.
-Garlic. Again, lots of night wandering, which means you'll be in the presence of vampires.
-Potions. While they may seem to be hard to find, as not many sorcerers are around anymore, they can be vital to your quest. If you don't happen to know any sorcerers, don't worry. Do your best to track down one and rob their house while they're gone. Remember: magic is very popular. Do not try to go up against a sorcerer.
-Clothes. While we will cover armor and weapons later, regular clothes will make your journey much more comfortable.
-Armor. I won't go much into depth about this either, but armor is a good thing to have on you for questing. The basic armor parts are a helmet, a breastplate, gauntlets, the tasset, and then the three parts that cover the legs: the cuisse, the poleyn, and the greave. Make sure to get your armor from an expert, and that it is strong and not made out of jelly (I am totally not speaking from personal experience here).
-A sidekick. I mean, c'mon, all heroes need one. If you can't persuade anyone to go on this quest with you, just kidnap some kid or something. Don't worry; he'll be happy and famous in no time!
-Your courage. No matter what quest you may be going on, you will for sure need it.
Weapons
Now, I won't completely in depth on every single type of weapon out there and how to use it, but I will talk a bit about them. All weapon types vary in many ways, with the most popular being swords and the bow and arrow. No matter what weapon you choose, make sure that you receive proper training on how to use it, or at least know the best way to kill your foes with whatever it may be. Here I have compiled a list of the best weapons:
1. Swords. Swords are the popular fairytale classic: think about it, you never have heard of a story that has a prince saving a princess from a dragon with an axe! There are multiple types of swords, which I have decided to not go in-depth about. However, all that really matters in whatever type you choose is your ability to slice a monster's head off. I mean, that's all you really need to know.
2. The bow and arrow. Now, this weapon is a little bit harder to master, as you need good aim and as many arrows it will take to bring your foe down. I personally do not recommend this type of weapon for a perfect storybook hero, as you really need good distance away from your enemy for the bow and arrow to work to its full potential. Plus, then you don't get to see any blood. And what fun is that?
3. An axe. The problem with the axe is that it is usually associated with villains. I mean, what prince charming carries around a freaking axe? However, axes are very badass, so that could work in your favor.
4. Magic. You know, if you happen to be a sorcerer hero guy. (But I bet you aren't.)
5. A pack of wolves. Pros: It's a pack of wolves, how sweet is that? Cons: Training wolves.
6. Lances, which are useful long-distance weapons.
7. A fucking gun, if you like to conform to society. Please note that guns are NOT classic fairytale weapons.
8. A catapult on wheels. Actually, this weapon is very personal to me. You see, my ex-girlfriend was a catapult on wheels. We met on the battlefield. For years we were in love. But then she just LEFT ME FOR SOME STUPID GUILLOTINE DOUCHEBAG! SAID SHE ONLY WANTED TO DATE INANIMATE OBJECTS! SHE BROKE UP WITH ME THREE MONTHS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP! I cried for days. Suzy, if you're reading this, please come back to me…
9. Knives. While they may look simple, and most are pretty easy to use, the art of throwing knives is hard to master. You must learn to aim.
While there are surely loads more weapons out there, I have decided to only cover these select ones. Look around to find more types to see what matches you!
Now, reader, I see that you have got the knowledge of what supplies creates a hero. I highly suggest following this list to ensure you have the best quest you possibly can have. Remember: the four basics for life are air, water, food, and shelter. Armor and weapons will help you take down that monster, as well as other miscellaneous supplies like a torch, clothing, and your sidekick. And don't forget your bravery, which is what makes a perfect storybook hero!