BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS: AN AUTHOR'S NOTE
First of all, I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. I was busy this week/ sorta procrastinated, then on the day I planned to basically write it, I got sick. But I have recovered, and have a brand new chapter!
As for questions, feel free to continue sending them. I did get one, and I will answer it after this chapter.
Favorites, follows, and reviews are appreciated! Thank you to all who have done so already!
Without further ado, Fantalia!
HEROISM FOR DUMMIES: A GUIDE TO BEING THE PERFECT STORYBOOK HERO
CHAPTER TWO: HOW TO DEAL WITH OTHER HEROES
Now, I don't want to sound like a dickhead or anything, but the real chapter of this title would actually sound a lot more like: CHAPTER TWO: HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR COMPETITION. I'm not gonna go all mom on you and start preaching about how heroism is not a competition and that everyone's a winner as long as they do good, because that is a cold hard LIE. Heroism is totally a competition. Everything is, really. You will find yourself comparing your deeds to others, especially bigger and better ones from bigger and better people. They will laugh at you; scorn you for thinking that you could dare to be called a 'hero' for your inferior deed. They will challenge you to races, fights, and games. You could find yourself on the floor, totally wasted; wrestling the guy who had dared to say that his dragon was meatier than yours. Do you think that I would get jealous at bigger and better heroes, that is, if they actually existed? Of course. Jealousy is a normal part of being in a competition. Soon enough, it will fully consume you. However, do not fear. This is good, as it means that you will become fully driven to constantly pursue quests. Embrace the ambition. Bathe in its warm, tempting glow. Feel it slither into your veins and feast on your blood. Let it, for it will guide you to greatness… yes… yes, do this… do it all…
The scene: what remained of a currently long-lost place called the Kingdom of Mist. (Today, it is known as the infamous Forest of Spirits.) However, at this time yesterday, it was a grand and bustling landmark, known for its rich history and serene forest landscape. Fire seems to engulf everything; everything that can be seen at least, for smoke is rising out of the main castle. Children and their parents are screaming, running frantically around the perimeter of the gated fortress. A man stands in the center of the blaze, contemplating. We watch as a young woman wearing deep grey robes trimmed with white approaches. Perched in her sleek brunette hair is a golden tiara.
Richard Small: I saved you. That was my job.
The Princess: I am one person. Look at all the lives you have destroyed today.
Richard Small: They are monsters. They deserve to die.
The Princess: Look at them! They are people. They do not represent their government.
Richard Small: Of course they do! They are scum, all of them. These are your enemies. They are the ones that captured you. Don't you want to watch them burn?
The Princess: Stop! They didn't even know I was in that tower! They're innocent. Please, stop this slaughter. Just… stop.
Richard Small: Never! They deserve to burn and die.
The Princess: Do you not realize that they have feelings as well? They're in pain.
Richard Small: Good.
The Princess: You don't care, do you? All you want to do is kill. You're a disease.
Richard Small: They would have fought me to keep me away from their beloved tower.
The Princess: They didn't know! I'm sure you could of found a better way.
Richard Small: I did what I had to do to save you.
The Princess: You don't care about saving me! All you care about is being famous. Becoming the best 'hero' the world has ever seen. Saving more princesses then your opponents.
Richard Small: That's not true!
The Princess: That is so true. If it isn't then look me in the eyes and say that you would still be here if you weren't going to be famous.
Richard Small: I- [pauses]
The Princess: You monster. You have been poisoned with ambition. See these people! They are dying, and all because of you.
Richard Small: I had to do what I could to save you!
The Princess: But at what cost?
Sorry, got a little carried away there. Whew! Sometimes, when I've been sitting down, scrawling on this paper for too long, I tend to drift off and just start randomly talking. I suppose I don't have to erase it, because then that would mean that I would have to replace what I said with some advice that might actually have to do with this book. Boy, isn't writing a bore? I could be doing more productive stuff, like bashing in the head of some Minotaur, or strangling snakes with my bare hands. Proving how big and strong and great I am. Instead, I'm rambling about how to best other heroes.
Which is really the thing you want to do. (Best other heroes, that is, not ramble about it.) Don't take into mind that they also have thoughts and feelings, friends and family. Forget all of that. All that matters is that they could be a threat to their pride. Destroy them before they can make a move. 'But,' you may be asking, 'how would I ever be able to succeed in this endeavor?' Well, that's when trash talking and stupid pointless competitions come in. These sorta immature things will ensure that you best those other heroes. And I, Richard Small, the master of trash talking and stupid pointless competitions, will be helping you along the way!
HOW TO TRASH TALK:
Trash talk is the best way to totally dominate your opponent. It's quick, easy, and unless they are super super slick, usually the fool will just be left blubbering nonsense, surprised by just how awesome you are. Believe me, I speak from experience. For best results, sneak up on them and yell in their exposed ear your slick burns. Here are some excellent examples that you can totally steal from me. No, making sense doesn't matter as long as you scream it in their ear.
-"Your mother is so obese that a vampire would gain twenty pounds if they sucked her blood."
-"You're so ugly, orcs don't even try to fight you, because to fight you than they would have to look at you. HA SUBMIT TO MY SWEET BURNS! OOOOH I GOT YOU SO BAD! OOHHHH!"
-"You didn't slay that dragon, it died of boredom! Because you're really boring! Haha get it?"
-"If your sword knew how much of a loser you were it would slice your stupid head right off!"
-"I bet that the reason why you have no friends is because you scared them away with your idiocy!"
-"You goddamn coward!"
- (Fun fact: to use this sweet burn, you must first climb a tree) "Ha! Look at me! I'm in a tree and YOU'RE NOT! THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A PIECE OF BALONEY!"
-"You're a cow!"
If these sick burns don't work, then consider randomly trying to kiss your opponent. Now, this may sound completely odd and counterproductive, but it will totally confuse the hell out of the other guy! And I'm sure that it would be absolutely HILARIOUS. If you decide to do this, make sure that you record it on videotape and send it to me!
WHAT STUPID POINTLESS COMPETITIONS TO ENGAGE IN WITH YOUR OPPONENT:
Stupid pointless competitions are great for asserting the fact that you are better than any other hero out there. Please not that cheating is not bad. In fact, I personally recommend it. But if you see anyone else cheat? KILL THEM IMMEDIATELY.
-A footrace. This is a classic challenge of speed and endurance. Make it a mile. Make it two. Make it five. Be like the Greeks and race naked! Actually, don't do that. That would be awkward as fuck.
-A swordfight. 'But', you may be asking 'couldn't that result in permanent injury/death?' Well, yes. But you need to think about it: if your opponent dies, then what's the big deal? That's even cooler, because that means that you killed them, therefore you are so much stronger and better than they are. If you die, well, then I guess you just aren't a real perfect storybook hero. Impostor! You deserved to die.
-An archery contest. No, it doesn't matter if you don't know how to shoot or have a really poor aim. If you're losing, just take an arrow and stab the other hero in the back!
-A joust. This is a classic, and you don't even need to use real live horses! Naw, all the cool kids these days use untamed bulls instead! Seriously, try it! And make sure to send a video to me, Richard Small!
-A hunt. No, not one of those hunts where you try and capture animals, silly! A hunt where you and this other hero try to hunt each other.
-A fashion show. Now, I have never personally used this one because my taste in fashion is less than impeccable, but if you're good at color theory and cutting fabric, well, this might be the thing for you! Just a hint: pins are not only good for poking holes in mannequins.
-A cooking competition. Now, I have to warn you that this is the most dangerous and strenuous contest on this list. At the end of it, you will be sweating from running around trying to find the perfect carrot. You will stress over the fact that your soufflé is overdone. You will freak out over the one hour time limit. Be warned, this is not a competition to be taken lightly. Do not underestimate the power of the oven. And do not underestimate the power of your opponent.
Well, that concludes my short talk on how to deal with other heroes. Remember: if all of the above fails, just punch them in the face and run away as fast as you can. This will be one-hundred percent effective for confusing the shit out of them. And if it doesn't, well, then I guess they must be a fucking robot or something because seriously, how could you not react to that? I remember when I was on my first mission, I ran into this asshole who said that it was not my business to rescue the princess, as the king had already sent "trained professionals" to help her. I laughed. If "trained professionals" actually existed, then there would be no need for heroes! And how stupid would that be? Anyway, another important thing you need to remember is that…
The Scene: The most prominent tower in all of the Kingdom of Mist. Outside, people are screaming at a muscular man who is climbing up their precious landmark. This very man is rather good looking, with a tall, well built body, wavy brown hair, and bright blue eyes. He has royal blood, and is very arrogant about it. This man goes by the name of Richard Small. Richard Small stops at the first window of the tower, punching the fine stained glass to let himself in. Inside awaits The Princess. The Princess is a fine young woman who is the heiress to the throne of the Kingdom of Clouds. She is docile, and very sweet, but gets agitated at injustice. While she did have a name, Richard Small never found out what it was.
Richard Small: Princess, come out and greet me! Gaze upon your fantastic suitor.
The Princess timidly steps out to greet our handsome prince. She gazes into his hypnotizing eyes, his silky locks. He is very good looking, and she knows it. However, after a few seconds her eyes widen with fear. She takes a few hesitating steps back, and finds herself with her back to a cold stone wall. There is no door she can close. There are no other corridors or hallways she can run down. There is nowhere she can go to escape her prince. Richard Small gives her a small sort of smile, but he is confused why she is so panicked. He's not an ugly fellow. In fact, quite the opposite. Why would she try to run away from him?
Alas, he does not notice what she is staring at.
His hands are covered with blood.
AFTER THE STORY: AN AUTHOR'S NOTE?
Which is less of a note and more of an answer.
Anne asks: "I like Ludwig the rock troll~! Also love the way you render Tony's dialogue in chat speak. I think that works really well. So, for questions, will you have any romance in the story at all or any pairings? Just curious."
I haven't really planned out any pairings that will totally change the story. I guess I could say FrUK, but I don't know if I'm going to make it a romantic relationship, or even mention it at all. If I do, it'll probably be like "Yeah this extremely shitty thing happened that you don't remember." I was thinking of perhaps doing some America and Belgium? Maybe? I feel like The Narrator will have a fun time trying to matchmake her hero with someone, even if it doesn't work.
Oh, and Richard Small will definitely try to flirt with The Princess, not caring whether or not his hands are covered with blood.