HEROISM FOR DUMMIES: A GUIDE TO BEING THE PERFECT STORYBOOK HERO

CHAPTER THREE: WILD CREATURES YOU MAY FIND

When you journey a lot like me, you tend to see some pretty wacky things. The wackiest of which is the exotic variety of fauna one encounters on their quest. Now, a little known fact about most creatures is that they are pretty much scared of perfect storybook heroes. Or at least when you show your dominance over them by flailing your weapon of choice at them, letting out your mighty call of "GET OUT OF MY WAY, MONSTER!" The thing about this tactic is that the monster you are facing may just be a more humanoid type of animal, probably one who understands Basic English. If you do this to them, they will stop in their tracks and stare at you with a confused look in their face. This, in return, will make you feel quite idiotic. And the most important thing that you DO NOT want to do is question your authority over anything. This will begin the process of crippling self-doubt. And when you doubt yourself, so do princesses.

Princesses…

Princesses…

The Scene: A damp and musky room inside an empty tower. While the exterior of said tower glimmers and sparkles in the sun, the interior has not been cleaned for many, many years. Spiders have slung their webs up into corners, and a faint scurrying of rats can be heard underfoot.

Trying not to wrinkle his nose at the filth, Richard Small sits on the mossy stone floor. The Princess is next to him, blind to the grubbiness of the place. She has roamed this tower for as long as she could remember, so she could not look at it and wish for a clean mansion, as the dirt is all she's ever known.

The two are trying to have a conversation.

Trying.

Richard Small: Well, I must say princess; you are as gorgeous as I imagined you.

The Princess: [Ignoring the compliment] You keep making a weird face.

Richard Small: What?

The Princess: It's like you're disgusted, but also in quite some pain. Is it me?

Richard Small: No, of course it's not you! It's just… [Sneezes]

The Princess: Bless you.

Richard Small: I don't need to be blessed, I'm a perfect storybook her- [Sneezes again]

The Princess: Are you okay?

Richard Small: Of course I'm okay, why wouldn't I be- [Sneezes for a third time]

The Princess: Is it all the dust?

Richard Small: What? No, that's preposter- [At this time, the sneezes were becoming rather repetitive]

The Princess: You know, I've read about these. While they're still a new concept to the general public, scientists have been exploring them for years. Some people appear to be far more sensitive to foods, animals, and even simple things like dust. There have even been reports of people dying, only from eating certain foods!

Richard Small: That's called poison.

The Princess: No, the foods weren't poisonous, not at all! When other people ate them, they were unharmed!

Richard Small: [Sneezes] Well, whatever you're talking about, I certainly do not have it!

The Princess: What makes you think that?

Richard Small: It's obvious. I am a hero. And heroes don't have these kinds of weaknesses.

The Princess: What are you talking about? Of course they do!

Richard Small: How would you know? Are YOU a hero?

The Princess: Are you one?

I've decided to compile a list of the strangest creatures you will find on your journey, starting from least dangerous to most dangerous.

Docile Creatures:

WRITTEN BY THE PRINCESS. RICHARD SMALL MAY TELL YOU THAT HE WROTE THIS BIT, BUT HE DID NOT! HE IS LYING! HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HALF OF THIS STUFF! HE'S PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR, MURMERING SOMETHING ABOUT SNEEZING AND HEROISM, THE FOOL! I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE THIS PORTION, DUE TO MY EXPANSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF LOCAL FAUNA.

1.) Now, one of the most common animals you will see on your quest will probably be a regular ol' rabbit. We will not be covering regular ol' rabbits, but we will take some time to talk about their magical cousin, the magibunny. A magibunny might appear like a regular ol' rabbit to an untrained eye, however, if you spend a few seconds in their presence you will start to notice what makes them extremely different. The cool little guys make everyone in an about ten mile radius from them giddy. They also are known to create little trails of sparkles wherever they walk, and when grazing, can flush a bright pink, green, yellow, or blue.

2.) The fish equivalent to a magibunny would be the highly praised striped wizard's keeper. Their name has a dark history to it, as they were hunted almost to extinction for their impressive powers. You see, a striped wizard's keeper gives off luck and determination, two things you will need very much if you wish to succeed in any endeavor, especially the complicated practice of heroism. If you happen to spot one of these little suckers, catch it immediately. Striped wizard's keepers have thin, sleek bodies that are completely black, except for the multiple stripes running down their backs, either rainbow-colored or a bright gold.

3.) While songbirds are pretty much useless except for maybe food, one of the most mysterious, fascinating avian beasts is probably the warp jay. Not at all related to the blue jay but instead named for their outward appearance of a completely charcoal (the color of the males) or black (the color of the females) version of the famous bird, warp jays do not pose any kind of threat to a human except for completely weirding them out. These birds do not emit a high pitched warbling- telepathically into only one head in a fifty foot radius. They usually choose the most complex life form in the area, so when groups of travelers come across a warp jay, one person may start to complain about how loud the birds are. The other members of the group, in confusion, will ask that one person what the hell they mean. This will continue until the other members get fed up, call said person insane, and possibly kill/eat them if their complaining persists. Despite that fact, I still consider the warp jay a docile animal.

4.) Actual vampire bats, unlike their cousin the vampire bat, actually possess the vampiric virus, which is not an actual disease, but we're just gonna call it that. It's actually a wizard's curse that is distributed when special saliva of the infected host, kept in their fangs, enters the blood stream of another organism. Please note that actual vampire bats only have this special saliva and none of the normal kind, therefore they can infect anyone with no conscious choice over it. Even though these creatures possess this curse, they do not try to spread it. Instead, the spread of it was fueled by revenge. It became a common and feared practice to poison the children of your enemies. Even today it is known for special vampire 'hit men' to seek out the family and friends of major political figures, celebrities, and really anyone with cultural significance. The vampire's curse CANNOT be reversed. On a side note: actual vampire bats are known to be very friendly and not harmful at all- unless you get some saliva on those open wounds of yours.

5.) Fairies are not often seen as "real" animals, for they are loved by humanity due to their helpful natures. However, they do have severe biological differences from us, including being smaller (about 1/5 of a human), not needing nearly as much food or water as we do (only a bit of honey every other day), having a natural grip on magic, and obviously, their very detailed wings, replicating those of insects. Fairies are known the most for guiding young heroes on their quests. While they will serve as guides, they would never go on an adventure themselves.

6.) Ghosts are spirits of the dead, technically not an "other species". However, I have decided to include them. Not much is known about ghosts, as they tend to be isolated from the world, living in dark and dreary forests, or remains of once-great villages and cities. They have the ability to bend their appearance at will, either keeping themselves at what they looked like at the point of death, or making themselves look older or younger. They can effortlessly float through the air, and pass through solid objects. They are the only kind of creature that cannot be given the vampire's curse.

"Neutral" Creatures: (animals that will only attack if provoked)

1.)Looks can be deceiving with the spotted-boned snake. Yes, its fangs are about five feet long, and retract out of its extremely thick skull. Yes, it has three poisonous glands that spew a scent rather like strawberries when it feels provoked. Yes, it has eight eyes running down its scaly snake back. But they have such nice personalities.

2.)The hugbear is one of the most terrifying creatures known. It has legs as long as tree trunks, and is not afraid to approach and squeeze the holy heck out of you. However, all it wants is to make friends and possibly be swept off its feet in a romantic gesture. Thus why it is so scary.

3.)Everyone with a slice of a social life has heard of the infamous invisicat. While it does pose no real threat, it makes a habit of breaking into homes and eating all of the red meat. What horrific face this creature bears, no one knows. You can only sense its presence by a small shuffling sound and a low growl.

4.)Once not believe to be real, merpeople are a very friendly and social species that can be found in oceans or other large bodies of water. They spend their time frolicking in the water, often giving humans things like shells and free fish. They appear to be people from the waist up, but have the bottom half of a fish, as well as gills. It is not uncommon to see a merperson with two tails: but don't point it out! They're sensitive about it.

Aggressive Creatures:

1.) The lavawolf. Known to travel lengths of fifty miles from its home habitat, this deadly, unholy offspring of a canine and fire can scorch you by simply touching your exposed skin. It is known to possess a deep growl, which suits its ebony pelt striped with bright golds, oranges, and reds. These colors are known to be more prominent near the eyes, ears, muzzle, paws, and the tips of their tails. Do not approach with caution- do not approach at all. They will feel highly threatened in the presence of a human, especially a female if she has cubs. But honestly, who can blame them?

2.) The infamous yeti. Absolutely nothing is known about these elusive creatures, except that they live up by the arctic and possess all motor skills that humans have. Just like with vampires, their creation was due to a wizard's curse.

3.) The GIANT FREAKING SPIDER. Named in a hurry by an unlucky explorer whose name and life has been lost for centuries, the GIANT FREAKING SPIDER is just that- a GIANT FREAKING SPIDER. While most normal spiders are scary, we all have to look deep inside ourselves and admit that they are not harmful to us. However, the problem with this certain species of arachnid is that they do not eat flies. No, flies (and other insects) are far too small to satisfy their hunger. No, they eat humans. The GIANT FREAKING SPIDER can be found in any type of forest. Or desert. Or cave. Or anywhere, really. They're not really picky about their shelter. Have fun sleeping tonight…

4.) Trolls are probably the most common type of monster that could pass as human. According to the Department of Humanoid Creatures, there are many, many different breeds of trolls, from the common rock troll to the fiery lava troll. All trolls are known to have a taste for human. They are known for luring humans into their traps and slicing them up alive, devouring the fat first and saving the organs for last. But that's just a rumor with not much scientific backing. There were multiple experiments to see what trolls like to eat first, but all of the subjects, as well as the scientists, did not make it out alive.

5.) While I would like to argue that vampires are not animals, society seems to disagree with me. Science does, as a vampire is only a human who has been cursed (I've explained how the 'virus' works earlier), still technically human. However, vampires get a bad reputation, as they are often only seen as bloodthirsty monsters. This is because, for a time period of one hour after consuming blood, a vampire goes into a sort of "high", ripping any living thing in sight to shreds. Nothing that is harmed in this high is in contact with the saliva, however, so some hope is still there for the people that were wounded. But that's not even the most unsettling thing about the vampire's curse. While vampires mature into adults, they do not age past about thirty years old. They are immune to all other diseases, and are stronger, faster, and more agile than regular humans. They can cling to surfaces with more ease and are known for their sharp fangs, which can be used as a weapon. The only way to kill a vampire is to stab it in the heart. They do, however, have natural weaknesses. If a vampire stays in direct sunlight for too long, it will begin to burn. All natural predatory animals, unless put under a spell, will act aggressively towards them. However, their biggest weakness is their thirst for blood. If they do not feed for too long, they will suffer from headaches, insomnia, lethargy, chills, fevers, and hallucinations. There has never been a recorded account of a vampire who tried to swear off blood.