Chapter 3

Alex

I've been settling back into the swing of prosecuting sex files with as little contact as possible. I know Olivia has every right to be angry but I don't have the energy to justify myself to her. I know she looks at this like I ignored her out of general apathy. She doesn't realize the depression I went through. She doesn't know about the sleepless nights and fear. I stayed in my apartment without leaving for nearly two months. I was petrified of going outdoors. I was convinced I was still in danger.

When I first left my home, it was to see her but I lost my nerve. I didn't want to show her how scared and needy I had become. I ended up taking a cab to the DA's office and spent some time with McCoy. That was when he gave me the job. I still think he did it out of pity. I couldn't practice law then, my license hadn't been reinstated yet. I wasn't really qualified but I couldn't sit at home forever. For the most part, nobody even noticed I had returned. Olivia's calls had stopped and those were really the only ones I had received, except for Uncle Bill.

Therapy helped. I didn't think it would but McCoy asked me to go. At first, I didn't. Then he made it a condition of my employment. I went. My therapist, Lisa, listens and when nobody seems to care, she does. I realize I pay her to care but I lost so many friends while I was gone. The few women I did associate with had married and had children. They moved on with their lives. So, I come here when I need to talk. I come to therapy.

"Alex, you seem preoccupied today. How are things at work?" She always starts with work.

"It's ok, I guess. Just getting readjusted to my new role. Nothing really exciting." I'm avoiding what is going to come out no matter what I do.

"So, what department are you working with now?" Lisa is watching me and I'm doing my best not to give any indicators of my discomfort. She finds them though, she almost always does.

"I was reassigned to prosecute for Special Victims last week," I realize as soon as I say it that I didn't say enough. I should've elaborated or smiled or something.

"Is this the division you worked with when you became a target?"

I nod and give a forced smile. She looks down at my file in front of her and turns back a several pages. I know she is remembering something I've mentioned but wants to double check. When she looks up at me, I see her expression change.

"So, you are in the middle of everything you wanted to avoid. How are you holding up?"

"I'm really ok with everything. I thought it would be harder. I was pretty nervous but it's been pretty quiet for the most part," I tell her this and it's true. It has been very quiet.

"Whatever happened to the detective you dated before being placed in the program?"

"She's still there."

"You haven't spoken to her before now, have you?"

"I saw her a couple times."

"And in those times, did she see you? Did you two speak to one another?"

This is where it gets hard. I want to tell her things with Olivia are fine and we've spoken and it's all good. It just doesn't help to lie.

"I saw her, I just never had the courage to talk to her. I thought she wouldn't want to speak to me anymore."

"Why wouldn't she want to speak to you?"

"Because I came back confused and scared. I didn't know how to be me anymore. I wasn't even sure who I was supposed to be. Who wants to deal with all of that?" My question is rhetorical so I'm not expecting it when she answers.

"Somebody who cares about you would. People who genuinely care for one another help one another in times of crisis."

"I intended to speak to her. I did. At first, I was too afraid and later, too much time had passed. I didn't want to reappear out of the blue and disrupt anything in her life."

"How is she dealing with you being there now?"

"She looked like she had seen a ghost at first. I tried to talk to her. I asked her to walk to a coffee shop with me. She suggested I just get a cup of their coffee and that stuff wasn't meant to be consumed. I tried to talk to her but she put up a wall."

"What did you say to her during that time?"

"Before she said she didn't want an explanation, I told her I was upset. I told her I wasn't sure I knew who I was." It sounds so fake when I'm telling Lisa this.

"Alex, many people say those same things everyday to people they care about. Those are generic excuses. Did you say more than that?"

"I didn't have enough time to say much else. She's angry. She must think I married Robert because she asked if any little Cabots were running around. I guess that was probably the last thing she heard about me."

Lisa closes my file quietly and turns to look out the window. She sighs and turns back to me. I'm watching her and I realize she can't give me an angle to fix this mess. She can only let me talk my way through it and point out my deluded errors.

"Are you going to talk to her again?"

"I'm not sure I should keep trying. Maybe I should just wait until she cools off a little more and then talk to her. I don't know. I want to make this a decent work environment but it's temporary. In a few weeks, I will be gone. It won't even matter."

"Do you remember what started the end of your relationship with Robert? I saw it in the file a few moments ago." She looks at me expectantly. She knows the truth here so I can't lie.

"I talk in my sleep. I had a dream I was finally home and she was there. Robert heard me say, 'I love you, Olivia' and started asking questions. He couldn't let the idea of me ever caring for a woman go," I tell her as I remember the dream of Olivia holding me.

"Our time is finished but I want you to think about something. You said you will be gone and it won't matter. Do you believe that? Don't answer now. Think about the engagement and why it ended. Really think."

I get up to leave and I feel more confused than when I sat down. She doesn't let me skate by on half truths and bs. She makes me face the truth at every turn but today, I just don't know what to do. I could work with Olivia as things are but it wouldn't work for long. We will end up blowing up at each other. I could try to patch things up with her for the sake of making work easier but she may never accept me as a friend. Anything other than that is just too much to hope for.

Olivia

I wake to yet another hangover. Sleeping on my couch has never been a pleasant experience but I couldn't make it to my bed last night. I've never been into the bar scene but lately I'm a regular. It's been two weeks since Alex reappeared and I've probably been to a bar every night when I wasn't catching. I know I smell like alcohol some mornings but nobody has said anything. The guys know this is hard for me. I'm sure their patience is nearly gone but I just don't know what to do.

I don't have to work today so I'm not too worried about the hangover. I'm mainly aggravated that I'm still dressed and wide awake. Daylight hasn't quite reached the sky yet. Since I'm awake, I grab a bottle of water out of my nearly empty refrigerator and leave my apartment. If I'm going to be awake this early, I'm going to Central Park to watch a little bit of the sunrise.

I sit on a park bench just as the sky turns pink with shadows all around me. I don't see anybody around and I attribute this to the fairly cool weather of the last few days. Momentarily, I find myself thinking I should move away from the city. Buy a farm or some land so I can watch the sun rising every morning. I snicker when I try to imagine feeding chickens or milking cows. I'm definitely not moving outside of the 5 burroughs.

I sit for awhile longer, enjoying the brisk air and the early morning smells. Finally, I stand with the intention of leaving when I see a red piece of cloth in the bushes about 50 feet away. Really, I just want this to be part of a jacket with no occupant or a kids lost clothing. I find myself walking toward the red cloth and as I get closer, I see hair. When I reach the hair and red cloth, I realize I'm not looking at a lost doll or any other lost item. I'm looking at a young girl. She was maybe 5 or 6 years old and very blue. I check for signs of life and find none.

I call the precinct to alert them. Within moments, I see a squad car with lights flashing. As the young officer exits the car, I wave him over to the bushes. He and his partner ask for my ID and I badge them. It's barely 7:15.

Warner arrives within 15 minutes of my initial call. Cragen follows with Elliot a few minutes later. El walks over to me and says, "Liv, what brought you to the park this early. It was your day off."

"I just woke up and thought I'd come watch the sunrise. I was leaving when I saw part of her jacket."

Warner walks over to us and gives a half-hearted smile. This area has turned into a small circus and she tells me, "I estimate her time of death between midnight and 2am. She suffered. I know you probably couldn't see much but from what I've seen, she was put through sheer hell."

I follow her back to the body and then I see the cuts. When I first saw her, I couldn't see anymore than her face and part of her jacket. She has cuts across her torso. Her jacket is soaked in her blood. I see scrapes and cuts across her hands. I notice she isn't wearing any pants and there are more cuts along her little legs. I just stand in front of this little murdered girl silently vowing to make her killer pay.

Cragen has been walking around looking at the bushes for any evidence. He stops his search and meets me and Elliot by the body. He shakes he head and I can see the sadness in his eyes. It goes without saying, child killers are the absolute worst. Dead children bring this hopeless feeling.

"So, what have we got?" Alex has just approached and I never saw her coming. I've heard her ask that same question so many times. I just drop my eyes and begin the normal crime scene rundown.

"Dead female. Age estimated at 6 years old. Cause of death was exsanguination due to various cuts. No identification has been found thus far. The M.E. puts her death between midnight and 2," I manage to say this without looking at her.

"Any witnesses so far?" She asks me and I can tell she knows there weren't.

"I'm the closest thing. I found her."

"Has anybody had a moment to check if any kids have been reported missing?"

"Not yet, Counselor. Elliot and I are about to head back to the station and start checking. So far though, we haven't heard about any."

"Keep me updated, Detective."

Elliot and I leave Cragen and Cabot standing at the crime scene. We won't know an age for sure until the autopsy is complete. My day off ended when I saw the little girls jacket. For now, we can start checking missing persons reports from last night and match up pictures from older ones. This part is tedious but without the effort, we would never get results.

The station is busy when we walk in. That isn't unusual. Monday for most people is the slow starting point for the week. Mondays in law enforcement mean more people to investigate crimes that occurred over the weekend. Monday can be one of the busiest work days for our line of work.

I follow Elliot to his desk and sit in the chair next to the desk. He boots his computer and after it is finished starting, we start reading missing persons reports. I get up after a few moments to fix us both a cup of coffee. We work through the online files for about 10 minutes before we find one who could possibly belong to this little girl. But time moves slowly during this time. We can't know anything for sure without autopsy results. We need those for finger prints and dental impressions.

This is all I could manage tonight. Have work tomorrow and need more sleep. Thanks for the reviews. I appreciate all of the encouragement. Every time an e-mail comes saying I have a follower or a new review, I'm like a little kid on Christmas.