Chapter 4

Alex

"It's been 8 days since Olivia found little Sarah Hawkins in the park. Every morning since, there has been another body found in Manhattan. Same M.O. for each murder except Sarah was the only child. Each were sexually assaulted and slashed. Each body has been dumped in seemingly random places. All have been female.

I'm at the precinct with takeout. I bought each of the SVU detectives a spaghetti plate from Mario's, my favorite Italian restaurant in the immediate area. I brought in all of these plates and garlic bread as somewhat of a peace offering to all of the detectives. Even with everything going on, I'm still getting the cold shoulder from most of them.

For the most part it hasn't been too bad with them. Well, half is bad. Munch is okay with me. He just accepts that I'm here and makes jokes about me disappearing at any second. Fin is cool, I guess he's just himself. He kind of understands my absence but doesn't say much. I know he forgave me a long time ago. Stabler doesn't say much to me at all. I'm pretty sure he does that out of loyalty to Olivia. He's not rude and doesn't throw anything in my face, I just think he's trying not to get involved. Captain Cragen is just as professional as ever. He has asked how the transition is going and he's offered to take Liv aside and talk to her if things get too hostile between us.

Olivia, on the other hand, one minute she will speak to me and the next she's angry. I know she's tired and frustrated with the case. I know this case is just pushing everything between us onto the back burner. She will speak to me about the case but I don't push at all. Her case needs her focus right now.

The guys seem to smell the food before I can make it to Stabler's desk to set it all down. I smile as Munch proposes to me. It's not the first time he has after I've brought food. I don't see Olivia anywhere and our plates are the only ones left. I don't want to bother her if she's busy but I know these guys don't eat right when they're dealing with a case like this. I wander over to the soda machine and get a diet cola while hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I don't see her anywhere.

I walk over to Munch and ask quietly, "I brought dinner for everybody but I haven't seen Detective Benson. Do you know where she is?"

He doesn't even look up and mumbles, "the roof probably."

"Counselor, I could go get her. I know she doesn't want to miss out on this meal," Fin offers.

"Please, Fin, eat. I can go up and get her."

My footsteps echo in the stairwell and I'm trying not to be too loud. I know she used to go up there when things were getting to her but I've only been up there a few times. I feel shaky as I reach the small landing just inside of the doorway. I don't know what mood she will be in and I don't want to catch her in angry mode. I don't want to leave her out either so I push the door open.

It takes a minute for my eyes to adjust to the night but I can make her out just barely. I walk out slowly. She's sitting in a chair just a few feet from the ledge. Unless she is asleep sitting there she must know she isn't alone. She doesn't turn toward me and she shows no reaction to the sudden light from the doorway. I walk toward her and hear her sniffling. My tissues are in my purse on Stabler's desk.

"Liv," I say it almost like a question. We haven't spoken with any privacy since the interrogation room a few weeks ago.

She doesn't move at first and I put my hand on her shoulder. She really doesn't show any reaction to my touch either and I'm not sure what to do. I kneel down next to her and begin rubbing her back. I've never thought I look particularly beautiful when I cry but she does. We stay like this for a few moments, me just kneeling next to her and rubbing circles on her back. I don't know what the rules for comforting a woman when she's too angry to be in a room with me.

After what feels like forever, I put my arms around her and just pull her to me. She cries into my shoulder for a minute or so before pulling away. She only shakes her head and swipes away the last few tears. Once she stands, I know this moment is over. I'm not asking for any explanations only accepting the brief contact and wishing it was more.

"Detective, there's spaghetti and garlic bread from Mario's downstairs if the guys haven't finished it for us. I only wanted to let you know before it gets cold."

"Thank you," she says it quietly. "I just needed a minute to myself. I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it to the guys."

"If they ever ask, I will tell them you were trying to hit cars with cigarette butts."

She gives me a shy smile and we both turn toward the door. She stops just shy of the doorway. "Alex, I just want to get through this case. Afterwards, I want us to have a conversation. I don't want to get into it now, I just want to understand a little more than I do now."

And just like that, she walks through the doorway. I stand for a moment collecting my thoughts. She isn't unreasonable, she's human.

Olivia

Each day the killer isn't caught means another dead body. Each day we don't catch him is like we are causing a death. I feel so inept. Almost like I'm causing these deaths because I can't figure out who or why. My squad hasn't even been able to figure out how he picks his victims. One child, one prostitute, two professionals, three working class women and one stay at home mother.

The stress is getting to me but I've been trying hard not to show it. I don't try to collect my thoughts or destress around the guys. I don't go into the crib when I'm upset like this. I always go to the roof. My partner has seen me get teary eyed before. I'm pretty sure he doesn't judge me for getting emotional at times. I just don't care to have them know I'm emotional because they get awkward.

I've been here on the roof for about 15 minutes. I came up here to clear my head but the past few days of frustration combined with lack of sleep helped me have an ugly little pity party followed by tears. I don't ever plan to cry but I can always feel it somewhere deep down. I wasn't expecting anybody to look for me. Maybe the captain because he does worry about me quite frequently. I thought he was on the roof with me. I was a little too upset to care who it was. When Alex spoke, I was surprised.

I didn't really care that she was with me. I didn't feel any anger toward her. She put her arms around me and I felt loved. That isn't a common feeling for me. Elliot says she loves me. He's told me that several times. Fin says I'm being too hard on her. Munch says I should enjoy her while she's here because the government could take her back at any given moment. He has also said she may be working for the CIA so I don't pay him any attention.

I do feel bad about the way I treated her. I realize that when her arms are around me. I've consistently been an ass to her. I've been rude, petty, and hateful. I don't say anything to her, only finish my crying jag. When I pull away from her, I realize I miss that contact with her. I miss our friendship. I miss the days when I could call her during a case and tell her all of the awful details. In those days, she would let me vent for however long I needed without ever interrupting me.

"Detective, there's spaghetti and garlic bread from Mario's downstairs if the guys haven't finished it for us. I only wanted to let you know before it gets cold."

I wonder if she realizes Mario's is my favorite Italian place. I don't even know if she remembers going there on our second date. I just thank her. I want to ask if she remembers those days the way I do but I don't want her to tell me that time was some mistake during a particularly confusing time in her life.

She makes a joke when I ask her not to tell the guys what I was doing. That was sweet. I tell her what Elliot has been asking me to tell her. That I'd like to talk. I need to understand. I want to understand. Otherwise, this is going to kill me. I walked around thinking she hated me but she shows up wanting to talk and explain things. I'm just so confused about all of this.

I know this was short but I had a long day and then everybody wanted to go play after work. Will post another chapter tomorrow. Thanks for the reviews and the follows.