Chapter 8

Alex

Sitting with Olivia at the restaurant was nice. It wasn't at all like before I was in the program. Talking about everything was somewhat cathartic. I feel almost like a weight has been lifted. It doesn't mean everything is ever going to be the same and it doesn't mean she's forgiven me either. It just means I've said some of the things I needed to say. I didn't mean to tell her that I loved her, but she probably figured that out when I told her about the nightmare. After all of that time, calling out her name would be kind of telling, I think.

Once I'm inside my apartment, I go through my usual nighttime routine. I shower and dress in yoga pants and an old tee. I find myself feeling lonely. I wish I could call her but what would there be left to say tonight. I guess I could beg for forgiveness and grovel but that isn't me at all. I begin working on some possible motions I may have thrown at me during the arraignment tomorrow. I don't know what Trevor Langan, Archer's attorney, might try but I like to be extra prepared.

I've worked for about an hour, it's almost 9pm. I yawn but I don't ever go to bed this early. Before long, I find myself staring off in space but then the doorbell brings me back to reality. Usually my doorman calls up, so it must be somebody on my list. A few years ago, this kind of intrusion would petrify me but I'm okay. I'm mainly just curious.

I peak out of the peephole and I do start to panic. It's Olivia Benson. I open the door and say, "What's wrong Detective? Is your bed not comfortable enough to keep you in it?" I haven't even halfway flirted with her nor she with me in some years. She lifts an eyebrow at me and smiles.

"Counselor, would you be willing to offer yours if I said mine wasn't up to par?"

Tonight, I find myself able to form words, "um...yes...if you um need it."

Olivia laughs. It's such a beautiful and rare sound. She's still smiling when she shakes her head. I motion for her to come inside and she walks to my couch. She's oddly polite after laughing at me and just looks at the couch. I manage to say, "Please, make yourself at home."

She gives me an almost shy smile once I've offered something to drink and taken a seat on the opposite end of the couch. I have no clue if she just came over because she's bored or if she has more questions. Hell, she could want to tell me to have a nice life. I sit back in my seat but she turns toward me. She's looking me directly in the eyes and I see it's just questions.

"You said you loved me. Earlier tonight. You said you loved me before you left, that leaving nearly killed you. I was just curious about what you meant."

I move closer to her. Looking her directly in the eyes I say, "I was so miserable without you. I didn't even realize how much I cared until I couldn't see you. I want to show you something."

I go into my bedroom and pull out an old shoe box. I take it back into the living room and hand it to Liv. She opens the box and starts sifting through pictures of her and different articles about her cases. Anything I could manage to find with her name involved during my time away.

"Liv, this is the only way I could have any contact. You had a few pictures of us but I had nothing. I subscribed to a few New York newspapers and I read a lot online. I printed these out and saved them. The marshals never found them when they moved me, I guess they just thought it was shoes."

"So," she asks with a smile, "you were stalking me from afar?"

I relax a little and say, "in a manner of speaking, yes."

"You do realize if we hadn't dated, this would be creepy."

"Stop teasing me, Liv."

"I loved you too." She's looking at the floor now. She starts to stand and I reach out for her hand.

"Don't go, Liv. Stay for a while. Talk to me." I feel like I'm begging but I don't want to let her go. I want her here with me for every moment I can get.

"Alex, I should go."

"Why should you go?"

"Because I'm not sure how I feel right now. I still care about you. I still feel hurt. I just don't know what to do with what I feel. I see you and I want you to feel the same pain I felt. Part of me thinks I will feel better if I make your heart hurt the way mine has."

"Oh," I feel like my heart is breaking again, "then go." I really thought we had made some progress. I'm fighting the tears that are stinging my eyes and she's looking at me. I've always heard people look cold when they say things like this but she doesn't.

"The other part of me knows you've been hurt too. I see it when you look at me. The tears tell me you're hurting still. I'm just so confused because I feel like I should just hold you because you're upset."

I didn't realize tears were running down my face until she mentioned it. I reach for the box of tissues on the coffee table but she has them first. She pulls one from the box and carefully removes my glasses. She wipes the tears from my face before handing me the tissue. I haven't said anything because I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing.

She sets my glasses by the tissue box and turns back toward me. I give her a little smile and she returns mine but hers looks sad. She reaches her right hand to my face and holds my face for a moment. I close my eyes and her hand drops. When I open them, she is moving closer to me on the couch. I see her leaning toward me and I lean in. When our lips meet, our kiss is like a first kiss.

She puts her arms around me and pulls me closer to her. I feel her tongue brush against my lip and I part them for her. Our kiss deepens and lasts for what feels like an eternity. When we pull apart, she gives me that same sad smile. I realize her arms are still around me and I wonder if that was the goodbye forever kiss.

When she lets go of me, I lean back against the couch. I'm waiting for her to get up and leave but she just looks at me. She gives me another sad smile and says quietly, "I'm afraid that you will hurt me again, Alex. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid to love you anymore than I have over the past few years."

"Don't Liv. Don't walk away. I didn't come home to you at first because I wasn't a whole person. Now, I am and I have come home to you. Stay with me." I'm glad I finally found my voice but I don't know what she's going to do.

Olivia

I didn't mean to kiss her, well, I did but I never planned it. I just couldn't help myself. When I cradled her face in my hand and her eyes closed, I moved closer. I felt the same way the first time I kissed her. It felt like butterflies combined with fireworks throughout my body. It's amazing that I can feel so hurt by her but still feel so much for her.

I held her for a few moments, studying her. Finally, I did let go and tell her, "I'm afraid that you will hurt me again, Alex. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid to love you anymore than I have over the past few years."

She says, "Don't Liv. Don't walk away." She said more but I'm too busy fighting my own tears. I lose the fight to hold them in and reach for a tissue myself. I wipe my eyes and she pulls me into her arms. I fall apart there. She just holds me tighter and I cry. I cry like a grieving lover but I was never her lover. I cry for what we lost years ago and then I cry for the time lost. I'm holding onto her so tightly and she keeps holding me. She doesn't let go. I realize that I never cried while she was gone. I never cried for her after that night she said goodbye. I was only happy she was alive and then I started waiting.

Years ago, she came back for Liam Connors' trial and I was so happy to have her there. I guarded her on the late shift. I volunteered for that shift so I could make her feel safe while she slept. Somehow, I knew she wouldn't sleep well if she felt scared. Somewhere, during that night, we agreed to go our own ways. To date and live our lives. Her idea, not mine. She was already seeing somebody. She wanted me to move on and live my life because she knew she may never come back and had made peace with it.

Alex held me after the tears had stopped. She kept holding me after my breathing had went back to normal. She kept holding me as I started dozing off. Before I could fall asleep, she suggested, "Liv, honey, let's go to bed. I don't want you to be sore from sleeping on the couch."

I let her lead me into her bedroom and when we get there, I kick off my shoes and Alex helps me out of my jeans. I just don't have the energy to do it myself. She goes to her dresser and pulls out a pair of shorts and I put them on after sitting down on the bed. I pull off my shirt myself but don't ask for one of hers. Alex puts on a pair of shorts before climbing into bed. When I crawl under the blankets, I scoot across the bed until I find her. Once my arms are around her, I drift off into the deepest sleep I've had in over a week.

Alex

She slept over last night. I wake up smiling at 5am. She's still sound asleep so I leave her that way. It takes a minute for me to get completely unwrapped from her arms and legs. I dress in my running clothes and do my usual 5 mile run. I find myself smiling while I run and realize I must look like an insane person. When I return home, Liv is still asleep. The captain's last orders were for everybody to be in at 9 so I let her sleep a little longer. I start a pot of coffee then put two cups and spoons out beside the coffee maker.

The shower is usually my first stopping spot but I want the coffee ready in case Liv wakes while I'm showering. I sneak through my bedroom and pull a suit out of the closet. I'm trying so hard to be quiet as I pull panties and a bra out my underwear drawer. I peak at Liv and she's still sleeping soundly. I carry everything into the bathroom and take my shower. I feel so hopeful about last night's events. Once I'm dressed, I leave the bathroom with my wet hair in a towel because I don't want to use the blow dryer. Olivia is no longer in my bed, though.

I walk into the kitchen and see her standing at the coffee maker. She's completely dressed now. Just by glancing at the carafe, I can see she has poured me a cup also. I just smile and say, "Good morning, sleepyhead."

"Mornin' to you," she mumbles and takes the first drink. I'm not sure if she's aggravated with me or just not awake. Usually when I've seen her early in the morning, she's been awake for hours. I realize that I don't know if she's a morning person or not. I leave her alone for a moment and go dry my hair. I realize she didn't pay much attention to the towel on my head and feel a little relieved. For some reason, she looked damn near perfect when she woke. I put on my makeup and return to the kitchen. Liv looks a little more awake and I'm pretty sure she's on her second cup.

"Sorry Alex. I didn't mean to crash out on you last night."

"It's no problem, I just thought you wanted to see if my bed was more comfortable than yours," I say lightly.

She walks over to me and puts her arms around me. She doesn't kiss me, she just holds me tightly and murmurs, "it is much more comfortable."

We stand in my kitchen for a few moments, just holding each other. This feels good. I'm not as worried as I was last night, I just hope she isn't either. Finally, she pulls away and says, "I have to go get ready for work. Maybe I will see you later." I smile at her and she leans forward and kisses my forehead.

After she's gone, I finish all of my getting ready for work. I check my phone and read through some e-mails. I go over the few possible motions from last night. I just want everything to be prepared for this morning. I pack up my laptop and briefcase and then drive to work. I spend the first hour looking through files on my desk and rearranging everything I need for court. I'm about to leave my office for the 11am arraignment when my secretary pokes her head into my office.

My secretary is giving me the funniest look and says, "Miss Cabot, there was a delivery for you. Do you want me to bring it in here?" I just nod and set my things back on the desk. The secretary walk in with this big helium balloon and a teddy bear. The balloon says "Welcome Home" on it. I just shake my head as she places this monstrosity on my desk. I check the card and really laugh when I see it's from all of the detectives, not just Liv. Each of them signed it but she signed the bottom with her name and an X and O.

Before I head to court, I place an order for order for a dozen yellow roses at the nearest florist. I'm feeling fairly humorous, so when I give the instructions I ask them to just type on the card, "thanks for last night." After a few laughs with the woman taking my order, I end the call and head off to the arraignment.

Olivia

I suggested the balloon and teddy bear for Alex when everybody came in for our shift. The guys thought it was funny and Captain Cragen threw in 20 bucks. I found a blank index card and had them sign it. I signed after they did because I didn't want to be teased. I waited for a text or something but never got one.

I'm hoping I didn't overstep my bounds but I don't have much time to worry about it. We are still collecting evidence from Archer's home. Elliot and I have been tasked with Archer's video collection. We need to view all of it to see if there are any home videos of any killings. We are picking up all of his hard drive, laptop and any jump drives. We are starting with the house first and then working our way to the garage.

At 11am, I get a text from the captain saying Archer is being held without bail. I smile thinking about Alex knocking Langan around in the courtroom. Elliot notices me smiling and walks behind me to see who texted. He walks back around to face me and I see him looking at me with this mischievous grin. "So, partner, do you always smile like a little love sick school girl when our captain texts you?"

"El, don't be weird."

"Does without bail have some secret meaning? If it does, I could tell him I hold Kathy without bail maybe twice a month."

I'm grossed out and laughing all at the same time. "Elliot, you're sick." I place the last box in the van we're using for the day.

"Liv, maybe I could get Munch to give him pointers."

I playfully hit him in the arm and he feigns serious injury. When we finally get ourselves together, we head to the station. He's quiet for a very short moment before asking, "Was the balloon your way of saying you understand?"

"Kind of, I guess."

"Fin had lunch with her awhile back and said her head was messed up pretty bad when she came back."

"She told me. I know it has to be hard to come back like she did."

"Did she say why she didn't call you?"

"She said she was ashamed of being so traumatized by coming back. She said she was afraid that she was still in danger and that it was too hard to function for awhile."

"Why did she wait so long?"

"I just think she's been sorting a lot out. She said she didn't want me to see her like she was and she still has some smaller issues. I think she was trying to figure out how to be a productive person who was living in fear without being needy. You know how efficient she want to be all of the time," I tell him.

"I think I do. You know what I thought was funny about this?"

"What was funny, Elliot?"

"My partner waited years for this chick, right. When that chick got engaged, instead of demanding to speak to that chick, my partner started dating other people. It's kind of funny how a person could want one thing so bad but be too damn pigheaded to say exactly what she wants."

"And how did it work out for your partner, El? Is she still being pigheaded?"

He gives me grin and says, "I think she might be getting it all straightened out now."

"I'll make sure to ask her for pointers when I see her again," I say with a laugh.

We arrived at the station just a few moments ago, right before my partner said I was pigheaded. We get out of the van and he calls Cragen. Some uniforms come down to help us unload all of the various items we've seized. Munch makes his way down to see our progress, I can only guess. He doesn't really offer to help but he does keep smiling at me.

Finally, I ask, "What is it, Munch?"

"Was just wondering what you did last night after we were released."

"I had dinner and went home," which is mostly the truth.

"Alone?"

"John, why are you messing with me?"

"You'll see." He leaves and Elliot and I are both more confused. Once everything is dropped off with the technicians, we return to the squad room. I immediately notice a vase on my desk. Yellow roses, my favorite. I see the card and reach for it, knowing who sent them but wanting to read it anyway. I notice the envelope flap is on the outside and not sealed. I pull the card out and read, "Thanks for last night." I turn and see Munch grinning while his partner is trying not to look guilty.

I can only laugh. She got me pretty good. I text her to tell her the roses were well played. She responds with, "No, thank you for last night." After a few moments she sends a smile. I only wish she could see Munch's smile, well any of them since they've all read the card by now.

I thought I needed a little humor. I hope everybody likes it. I do want to give a special shout out to peterpeter, he keeps asking me to update so I wanted to get this one done tonight. Hopefully another one will appear tomorrow.