October 1921

The early morning sun refracted off the edge of my finger as I gently turned the page of my well-worn copy of Jane Eyre. I smiled in spite of myself. With the sun, came the morning, and with the morning came Carlisle.

"He's not far," Edward called from the piano, interrupting my thoughts. He had been tinkering on a new piece for the last two hours.

I'm thirsty, I thought quickly as I tried to catch his scent through the open window in front of me. The air had been still for most of the night, but as the sky began to turn pink, a light breeze began to move through the air. It was October and the leaves were changing – there was a scent for the dryness of them as they lost their greens and turned into a million different hues of reds, oranges, yellows, purples and browns. The crispness, as a human I would have described, had its own scent, and I felt its cool, arid touch on my skin. Carlisle's scent wasn't mingling with it.

"It's not blowing in the right direction."

Shut up!

He laughed as he always did, "I don't know how you can even think about that since you are very thirsty. I can almost taste it."

I closed the novel, placing it on the table next to me and walked toward the piano. "Maybe you should stay out of my head."

"Maybe you shouldn't think so loudly."

"Would that make a difference?"

"No, I'm sorry, it wouldn't."

I placed my hands on the top of the upright as he continued to play, positioning myself so I could see the front door.

"A little eager, Esme?" Edward teased.

I swatted at his shoulder but he dodged it with a grin, his fingers still on the keys as he pounded out the first chords of a familiar Mendelssohn tune.

"Edward! That is not funny!"

"Shh! He's getting into hearing range."

"But you said before-"

"Oh, you thought I could hear him before," he said innocently with a smirk.

"Edward!" I didn't continue as I could hear him quickly approaching. I took a short breath in anticipation and bore my eyes into Edward as he chuckled.

The front door opened and we both turned toward it. I was sure Edward's smirk was still evident and the look on my face was probably a little too happy, but we were met by Carlisle's beautiful grin, showing that he too was glad to be home.

"She's pretty hungry," Edward spoke first.

"Edward, I can speak for myself," I insisted, annoyed that he reminded me of this fact, which I had forgotten for a brief moment as my eyes met Carlisle's.

"And good morning to you both," Carlisle said with a chuckle as he set down his medical bag. "Do you need to go right now, Esme?"

I was too focused on the fire in my throat now and my hand reached for it. I swallowed, but as always, it did nothing to still the feeling without blood flowing down it. I nodded.

"I'm sorry. I'm not even giving you a moment to sit."

"I don't need to sit, dear. It's fine. I'll sit later. Let's take care of your needs first."

I was at the back door in an instant, waiting impatiently for Edward and Carlisle. It was early, but the sun was out so it would be an exercise in stealth as we stuck to the shadows as much as possible. I was wearing an outfit that we had bought in multiples and was jokingly, my hunting uniform: dark pants, a long sleeved shirt, a knee length coat and a hat, which I pinned into my hair to keep it from flying off. I usually went through one or more of these items per hunting outing.

With Carlisle working nights, the only time for me to safely hunt was during the daylight, but there was no guarantee of overcast skies. Our home was so far away from town, though, the likelihood of coming across any human was small. It didn't mean that we would mitigate the chances that anyone could catch a glimpse of our sparkling skin.

Carlisle and Edward quickly were at my side. "There was a herd of deer heading in a northeasterly direction as I was coming home. If we head due east, I'm sure we will intercept them."

The breeze that had been coming in the window earlier was picking up, blowing at our sides as we moved in the direction that Carlisle had recommended. I quickly caught the scent and shifted my course, speeding up out in front of my two companions, desperate for relief. I was getting closer. My meal would be in my grasp in just a few seconds, but then the wind changed direction.

I rounded quickly in the direction of this new scent that was more powerful and more appealing than the herd of deer. It filled my nostrils, my throat and my lungs. I had to go to it. I had to have it.

As arms tried to grab me, I ducked. I snarled, sticking out my arm, taking him down at the knees. I dodged left then right, grabbing the other's shoulder and slamming him into a tree, the bark splintering in the air as I took off.

I was out ahead, running as fast as I could toward the scent that I craved with such abandon. I was putting distance between my pursuers and myself. They would not catch up. They would not take this away from me when I needed it so much.

I was gaining on it. It didn't know I was coming as I closed in on it. 200 yards…100 yards….50… I leapt up in the air growling as I landed on top of the animal, throwing it to the ground as it cried out in surprise.

My fingers dug into its flesh as my teeth sunk into its neck, and immediately I felt more relief as the blood flowed down my throat than with any other animal so far. Why had they been holding out on me? Nothing had ever tasted this good. Why would I ever want or need to drink anything else? There could be nothing better. The creature tried to bleat again, but only gurgled as it was quickly losing consciousness. I greedily drained it, spilling its blood onto my clothes as I tried to drink as quickly and as much as possible. I hoped there was more of this animal around because I would want more when I was done with this one. I was sure of it. It was perfect.

"Does she have any idea?"

"No, she thinks it's an animal. She's going to be very upset with herself."

"I don't have to read her mind to know that, Edward."

What were they prattling on about?

"There's no point now. Let her finish. For the moment she feels amazing."

Of course I do. This tastes amazing! Were you keeping this for yourself? My head screamed at Edward.

I closed my eyes as I savored the last drops trickling down my throat. I felt so clear, happy even. I wanted more, but I could bask in this taste for a while.

My hand released the soft, fine fur in my fingers. As my lips pulled away, I opened my eyes, seeing anew – my eyes focusing on what was before me, searching to discover what kind of animal could satisfy me that much.

I saw pale flesh.

White.

A neck.

A jaw.

A face.

The screech was piercing, filling the forest, sending birds and animals scattering for miles.

It was another moment before I realized that the scream was coming from me and I couldn't stop.

"Edward! Go if you need to!" Carlisle yelled.

"I'll take care of the body. She has more blood on her. The body is empty." Edward said through clenched teeth.

"I can take care of both."

"She needs you! Get her out of here!"

My eyes never left the boy's face. He couldn't have been much younger than Edward and I had just stolen his life. I had killed him. I had murdered an innocent child.

I was still screaming as Carlisle lifted me up into his arms and ran me away from the scene of the crime.

My screams turned into empty, uncontrollable sobs. I couldn't get the image of the dead boy out of my head. I couldn't get the scent out of my nose and my throat…and I still wanted more. I was hideous.

I couldn't look at Carlisle. I threw my head back and cried to the sky. I could feel his eyes constantly glancing down at me, but I wouldn't meet them. He kept saying things, trying to be reassuring but laced with worry, "Esme, you are going to be alright."

For all my screaming and crying, I felt like a million pounds had been strapped to me. I couldn't move. I felt so heavy in his arm.

He flew in the back door of the house, the one that such a short time ago we flew out of so happily.

He went through the house right to the bathroom and turned the faucet on the tub before even setting me down as he said his mantra again, "You are going to be alright, Esme."

My head lulled forward, my arms fell to my sides, my chest still heaving, as he sat me on the edge of the useless toilet and ripped my coat off, throwing it out the door into the hallway. The sound of ripping fabric alerted me, erupting a new painful fire inside me.

As I saw his disembodied hands reach for my shirt, a roar erupted from my throat.

I slammed him to the ground, pinning his arms to the floor. "No!"

"Esme! I'm not going to hurt you!"

"Don't touch me!" I shrieked.

"You are covered in human blood. You are going to keep breathing it in. We need to get it off you."

"Don't touch me!"

He pleaded with me, "Esme! Please! I'm not touching you. My wrist!"

My eyes glanced toward his left wrist. I practically was crushing it in my tiny hand. I looked toward his face that showed fear, pain and so much concern.

It's Carlisle, stupid! Get off him!

With another cry, I scrambled off him – away from him, against the opposite wall, pulling my knees up to me.

"I'm so sorry," I whimpered, not taking my eyes from him, waiting for his anger that I so richly deserved. It didn't come.

I watched as he silently moved from flat on his back to his knees, the only sounds were my unwavering sobs and the sound of the water still filling the tub. He didn't look at the injuries I caused to his body. His golden eyes were still on me, but I saw no anger, only worry and pity.

Why was crying so painful when I couldn't breathe? Why did my throat still burn so much?

He put up his hands in surrender.

"Esme, I won't touch you, but you need to get that scent off of you."

That's why it burned.

I bobbed my head up and down to show him I understood.

"Do you want me to help you or do you want me to leave?"

I wanted him close but I cried out, "Leave! Please!"

He nodded and said calmly and evenly, like a doctor giving orders, "When you undress, put your clothes outside the door and I'll take care of them. Make sure to scrub your hair and under your fingernails."

I held up my hands, remembering digging my nails into flesh. There was blood drying under my nails and streaked down my fingers to my palms. I screeched again and slammed my feet into the floor, shaking my head like a child throwing a fit. I wasn't a child, but I was having a fit.

There was a pause before his arms were gently around me as he tried to sooth me with soft shushes as I wept on the bathroom floor.

A few minutes later, he reached over and turned the water off and the only sound now was the noise coming from me. He soothingly rocked me against him, trying to calm me. He pulled at the pins, removing the hat that was still attached to my head and tossing it toward the doorway. Suddenly he spoke the strangest thing, intimately close to my ear.

"I am not giving up on you, Esme. I'm not giving up."

I didn't know what he meant, but something in his intense tone was sobering.

"Please don't," I choked out.

"I won't. Ever."

I knew his lips grazed over my hair, whether he knew I did or not.

Trying to be strong, I reached up with my trembling, bloody hands to unbutton my shirt but his hands caught mine.

"Let me give you your privacy," he said, again, so close.

I wanted to tell him to stay with me, but I nodded and let him help me to my feet. In my human mind, my legs were unsteady, but the vampire I was held them firmly to the ground.

He let go of me and reached for a towel and a washcloth. I could see now the blood from me speckled his shirt. I caught my bottom lip in my teeth to keep from crying out yet again.

"Just throw your clothes out in the hall as soon as you take them off. I'll take care of them."

"Thank you."

I watched him turn for the door, but he looked back at me once more and slowly crossed the small space between us. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead and for the briefest moment, his scent overpowered the one that was gnawing at my sinuses. Then he was gone, leaving the door slightly a jar.

I began pulling at my clothes and soon they were in a pile at my feet. I wiped a section of my hand clean on my discarded pants then scooped them up and placed them outside the door, and closed it.

I slid into the water. It was so hot it would have scalded a human, but had no affect on my skin other than to disinfect.

I grabbed the soap and a brush and started attacking my hands, removing every trace of blood from my nails. I had to clean blood off me before, but never so desperately needed to rid myself of its odor. My hair fell into my face, attacking me. I laid back into the water, letting it envelope me and dilute the scent.

I sensed déjà vu. Bad days always ended up with me below water in a tub.

He had tried to scream when I attacked but couldn't. It wouldn't have done him any good at that point. It was too late for him. The moment I touched him, he was a dead man.

I could see his ashen face so clearly.

He was someone's child. He was so young. I was a monster.

My chest was heaving again, but I kept my mouth shut, keeping the water out.

How could he who has resisted this forever be so forgiving of me letting the monster out – letting it win? Destroying a life when he does everything in his power to save them? What must he really think right now?

I scrubbed everywhere and when I was done, I pulled the stopper and let the water drain before turning the faucet back on. I stuck my head under it and ran other parts of my body beneath it, letting any traces that may have still been on my skin wash away.

I stepped out of the tub and grabbed the towel he had left for me. I wrapped it around me and forced my sobbing to still for a moment, letting everything settle. I took a deep inhale, my nose and my tongue reaching for that scent but nothing touched it. It had all gone down the drain.

I opened the door and was immediately struck with two powerful scents – smoke and bleach. I hurried to my room. I grabbed undergarments and pulled a dress off a hanger and put them on before padding back out into the hallway in my bare feet.

The fire was roaring in the living room and Carlisle stood over it in a new outfit, watching our clothes burn. His head turned, his eyes meeting mine. He was so concerned. I knew I should run away – punish myself for what I had done and my mind wouldn't let me escape from. I didn't run away though, I ran forward.

His arms were open for me as I fell into them, the sobbing instantly starting again. He led me over to the sofa and he didn't resist as I sat on his lap, burying my face against the crook where his shoulder met his neck.

One hand stroked over my hair, while the other rubbed my back as once again he gently tried to calm me.

"I know you are in pain. I know you are hurting. I would do anything to take it away."

"Don't ever let me do that again. Please!" I pleaded, my nose pressed against his skin. His scent was intoxicating to me.

"I will do everything in my power to make sure you never suffer this again, my child," he said, squeezing me just a little tighter.

Child? I'm not a child! Why can't you see that? When will you see me for a woman that is completely in love with you?

My emotions were wreaking havoc. I felt like every emotion was so close to the surface – so exposed. My mind was torn between pain, death, and guilt, but at the same time, it put me here in his arms, where I longed to be, but even this murderess in his arms he saw as a child. No! He had to know how I felt!

I pressed my lips to his neck.

He froze. It wasn't the reaction I was hoping for.

"I'm sorry for attacking you," I whispered, trying to break his tension. I pulled away from his arms and laid down on my side on the sofa facing the room, resting my head on his lap.

His hand was stroking my hair again. We were okay.

"You were upset. I shouldn't have been so forward."

"You were just being the doctor – just trying to help me. How could you have known?"

"Known what, Esme?"

Edward came barreling through the back door and in an instant was standing shirtless before us in the middle of the living room. He looked to Carlisle and then looked down to me. He too was hurting for me. He disappeared for a moment, and returned wearing a shirt.

He slowly approached, and knelt down to my level. He took one of my hands and leaned forward, kissing my forehead before meeting my eyes again.

"I know how you are suffering. I have been through this. I wish I could tell you that you will forget it and it will fade, but it won't. The only thing you can do is move forward. You can't change what you have done. All you can do is remember this pain and do what you can not to repeat it."

I croaked out, "But you did repeat it."

He swallowed and nodded. "I didn't say it would be easy."

"Is there anything that comes close to tasting like that?" I pleaded with him.

"No, not that I've found."

"I didn't even know what I was doing."

I could see the sympathy in his eyes. "I know. You couldn't help yourself. You were thirsty and you smelled something irresistible and didn't know how to resist it. It was a natural reaction."

"I didn't want to stop. I needed more."

He was silent for a moment. "I know."

"I'm a monster," I whispered between a sob.

"No more than I am."

"Neither of you are monsters," Carlisle said quietly above me.

"What would you know of it?" Edward replied to Carlisle, a darkness in his tone as he looked intently in my eyes.

What are you doing? This isn't his fault.

Carlisle's voice was calm. "I know that our kind doesn't feel regret or pain over killing. With the exception of very few, our kind kill with little thought for the victim. It only is about their need and satisfaction. They only see humans as food, while you saw that boy as a human."

I couldn't speak through my cries, as I wasn't seeing Edward in front of me anymore. All I could see was the boy burned into my retinas.

"You feel, Esme, which makes you more humane than most vampires," said Carlisle.

My chest hurt. It may have been psychosomatic, but my silent heart ached. There was nothing more they could possible say. There was nothing profound that either could utter. Even if I was more humane or full of regret and pain, the fact remained was that I had taken a life from this world. I had committed a murder yet again, and I didn't deserve another reprieve like the one whose lap my head now rested on. I was a selfish creature, who acted on my desire and couldn't control my own head when I needed it most.

And, as if being a murderer wasn't bad enough, I attacked Carlisle. In my greatest moment of weakness, I let my past horrors come to the surface.

Edward was searching my eyes. I closed them.

I cried for hours with Carlisle brushing his hand over my hair and Edward sitting at his feet, holding my hand. Even if they couldn't help me, I greedily needed them here. They alone were my comfort. Life would never be the same.

November 1921

"Esme, I love you, and I can't stand to see you like this anymore," Edward harshly stated.

"I'm trying!"

"No, you're not. You keep wallowing in your own personal hell, but it doesn't have to be like this. You can't punish yourself for eternity."

"To hell I can't!"

"Esme! You need to hunt. You need to eat."

I had avoided hunting as much as possible in the last several weeks since I took the boy's life. I was afraid to leave the house and spent most of the time hiding in my room, unable to face Carlisle and Edward or the world. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I couldn't risk it.

"Waiting until you are so hungry that you are uncontrollable is not the healthy way to handle this. You are more likely to make mistakes."

"I'm just not as hungry."

"You can't lie to me, remember?"

"I'm just-" What was I?

"Emotionally overwrought and filled with too many secrets?"

"Edward!"

"Esme!"

I glared at him.

"Look, I understand your fear, but it is irrational. Esme, it is eternity. You can't hide forever. You must move on. I know it isn't easy, but I had to do it several times over. Just think how awful it would be if I forever acted like you are acting now."

I enjoyed his humor and his smile too much. It would be awful.

"I like yours too and I long to see you smile again."

I tried to smile at him but I could feel the sadness in it.

"It's a start," he softly smiled back at me. "Now as soon as Carlisle gets home, we are going out to hunt. We'll stay close to your side. Carlisle meant what he said when he told you he will do everything in his power to make sure you don't hurt a human again."

My child.

"He does not see you as a child. He's confused."

"Over what?"

"Esme, I see in your head. I have an idea of what you went through in your human life. I wish I knew more, but you suppress your thoughts whenever they get too close to the surface. He thinks you attacked him because he was being improper. That you were offended."

"It wasn't that at all. It's just-"

"Charles."

I didn't even like to hear or say his name.

"You were hurt and eventually destroyed by that man. I've seen enough to know that."

"I destroyed myself."

"Don't give Charles Evenson the satisfaction of making you blame yourself."

"It was my decision."

"But he drove you to such despair."

"My baby's death drove me to such despair."

"You attacked him because you saw Charles."

"Yes," I whispered.

"He would want to know. He needs to know."

Will he push me away? Will he regret changing me?

Edward walked toward me and wrapped his arms around me.

"You silly, blind woman. No, I highly doubt that will be his reaction. You will not be able to move forward until you let it all out. He's patiently been waiting for you to talk to him. Why do you think he is so open with you about everything? He's hoping that by baring so much to you, he will gain your confidence." He hesitated before saying, "He longs to know you."

"I'll talk to him. Soon."

"Don't wait too long. You need to clear the air."

I nodded in agreement and we stood there silently for a moment before I spoke, "You love me?"

A light chuckle came from Edward as he gently pulled away from me. "Of course I do. Not in a romantic type of way, but you're pretty easy to love, Esme, and deserving of it."

I hugged him this time, "I love you too, Edward. I'll speak with him today."

So what do you think of Esme as a "vampire?" Reviews inspire me, so please keep them coming!

I'm sorry to leave you hanging, but I hope it will be worth the wait.

Thank you to PTB betas, Mod Sweetishbubble and karma0be11e.

On another note, if you are looking for something a little smutty and non-canon, I recently posted C'mon, Mama Bear. It takes place during Breaking Dawn and is first person Esme. Esme and Emmett are struggling with everything going on in the Cullen house during Bella's pregnancy, including the loss of comfort from their mates. For one afternoon only, they find what they desire in each other.