November 1921

I lightly rapped on the door to Carlisle's study a little after noon. I had taken some time to pull myself together after our morning hunt before approaching his door. Edward was tucked away in his room with a book. I didn't mind that he was going to overhear this conversation, I just didn't want to face him while discussing such intimate details of my human life – or as images I couldn't control played in my mind.

"Come in," I heard from the other side of the door. I found him behind his desk, a few books laid open and one in his hand. He stood as I entered, the book left on the desk.

"May I interrupt?" I quietly asked.

"Of course. Please, come in. Have a seat," he said with a slight smile and a gesture toward the small seating area consisting of a chair, sofa and table. I took the chair as he came to join me.

I looked at his stunning face – studying it as he took his seat, looking at me – waiting for me to speak.

"What is it, Esme?" He finally asked, his concern apparent in his golden eyes, a color that I longed for mine to match.

I knew what had to be said, but now that the moment was here, it was a struggle.

What would he think of me? Would he even be able to look at me? Would he reject me?

I took a deep breath and began at what felt like the right place. There was no going back now. It was time to confess all.

I could barely look at him as I swallowed my prideand began to speak, softly but directly.

"I'm learning that the things that have stayed with me from my human life are not necessarily the happy memories. Happy memories are normal. They blur together. I remember aspects of my happiness, but I know there is so much more that is now lost forever."

I smiled and looked up at his expectant face as I remembered what I could visualize through the haze in my mind.

"My childhood was normal and happy. I had a sister named Millie, who was six years younger than me and a brother, William, who was nine years younger than me. We had parents who loved us and made sure we knew we were loved, but they also were never overly affectionate. We lived on a farm outside of Columbus, Ohio. I helped out on the farm and I played with my siblings. I learned from my mother how to cook and keep house and carpentry from my father. I excelled at school. There were other activities too, but as you can tell, it was normal.

"Suddenly, I was grown and finishing eighth grade. For most girls in my community that meant the end of school. It was time to be on the farm full time and prepare to become a wife and a mother. But I wanted more, and without even trying, thanks to what others saw in me, I was allowed to go to Columbus to continue my education with my second cousin, Helen.

"I did very well. I was a straight A student. I had friends and it didn't matter that I was a 'farm girl.' My cousin's parents made sure I was dressed well so I fit in. I loved the experience and was grateful for every single day."

My eyes fell to my hands now where my fingers were entwined. He knew this next part. He had witnessed the result, but he didn't know what the lasting outcome was.

"Then, one hot August day, between my sophomore and junior years, I was working in my father's workshop when my siblings came running in…"

"And asked you to get a cat out of a tree," he completed my thought. He knew this part of the story.

I nodded. "And I did, but not without forever changing the course of my life."

"I didn't think you would make it back to school in the fall."

I looked up and studied his face again. He had seen hundreds of patients since that night and yet I was sure his memories of it were clearer than my own. And to me, for multiple reasons, it was one of the most pivotal moments of my life. My smile was long gone and I felt melancholy over the direction my life took. His sadness for me was clear in his eyes. My eyes stayed on his.

"My education was over. There would be no more textbooks or diplomas. No college. No dances. No well-educated young men to court me…or so I thought.

"The school year after I broke my leg I spent on the farm. The following year I began teaching in a one-room school house. It was isolating and at times lonely, but I was happy. I was doing something I loved. If I couldn't continue to educate myself, I was more than satisfied to educate others.

"My parents were not thrilled. They thought I should be at home, waiting for a husband. Even if I wasn't on the farm, that didn't mean they weren't still keeping an eye out for me."

I paused, once again collecting my thoughts. It wasn't easy remembering the details. Carlisle looked so concerned,but would his face show as much care when I was done?

"In June 1915, Helen married. At her reception, my parents were sending every eligible man in attendance in my direction. Then my father introduced me to Jonathan Evenson and his family. Jonathan owned and ran Columbus Savings and Trust. I met his wife, Mary and his son, Charles."

I had to let Charles in to let him out. I always buried him whenever he threatened to climb to the surface of my thoughts. He was my husband and in truth, I was still his wife. I mourned him and our marriage as I walked away a year ago. I also, in my grief, swore off men in favor of protecting and focusing solely on my unborn child. Once Helen and Thomas heard the truth, I raised a shield and deflected the pain. The bruises faded away and the rib healed, but the damage he caused ran so much deeper than those physical wounds.

I let him out in a flood of memories. Even through the haze, I saw him clearly in my mind.

"Charles was handsome, charming, and overly confident, but appealing. From the moment we danced that first time I was enthralled, although for a moment his intensity almost made me bolt off the dance floor, but I was fascinated. He was attending the University of Ohio. He had great prospects since he was destined to run his father's bank. But most importantly, intellectually, we could talk. I loved having conversations with him as a friend. Looking back, I think he just humored me but at the time, it was wonderful to have real thoughtful conversations with him.

"And while I enjoyed his friendship and came to care for him as a dear friend, he was looking at me as something more than a friend. He asked my father for permission to marry me in December 1916."

My voice was harder than usual. The music that came with its new tone was absent.

"I didn't love him and wanted to move west to teach, but my parents insisted that it was time for me to marry and I couldn't do better than Charles, especially at my age. I was 21. I gave in to their wishes.

"Charles knew I didn't feel for him the way he felt for me. He claimed to love me. I prayed for God to make my heart change, to make it feel love for the man I was binding myself to for eternity. I hoped with time, I would come to feel the same for the man I considered a dear friend.

"I sensed that there was a darkness to Charles. He was at times forceful and intense. A kiss would have a little too much force behind it. A remark would have a little too much bite. I ignored it all. The signs were staring me in the face and ignored it all."

Carlisle's deep eyes never left me, but my eyes now looked away. I couldn't get through this with his eyes meeting mine.

I'm not going to cry. Stay strong, Esme. He needs to know.

"What happened, Esme?" Carlisle asked with an intensity in his voice that I rarely heard from the so consistently level doctor.

"Monsters are supposed to be things of legends, works of fiction. Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Wolfman, Dracula…all just words on a page. Before I knew vampires were real, I knew monsters existed."

My voice sounded hollow now and barely recognizable as my own.

"My wedding day in June 1917 was everything a bride could hope for. Everything was perfect. I was happy.

"The wedding night was a different story…"

"Esme," he said, stopping me, his voice strained. "I don't want you to feel obligated to continue. You don't have to tell me this."

I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want him to offer me a way out of this. I struggled for my thoughts and words as I opened my eyes. My voice was shaking as I strung my words together.

"But I need you to know this – I need you to understand…me…my heart. Remember how I said the happy times are a blur? The bad times …the bad times, those are the ones that are burned in my memory. What I long to forget is what won't go away. My demons won't die."

He looked like he wanted to say more but he just nodded his head.

"I was frightened," I whispered. "Maybe it would have been easier if I loved him – if I had wanted him the way he wanted me. I panicked, but he was determined to consummate our marriage regardless of my feelings. When I became hysterical he slapped me. The abuse began and continued throughout that summer. Every night he forced himself on me. There was rarely a gentle caress, just gripping and squeezing and pulling. I was constantly bruised and sore.

"Then he went off to fight in the war and as they say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' A couple thousand miles and more than a year apart served that function. When I found out he was coming home in January 1919, I was ready for him. I was ready to be with him, and start a family with him, and for about 24 hours, I thought he had changed."

I had regained my voice, but the shaking was still there. There was sympathy, and maybe hope in Carlisle's eyes, but I almost could see the wheels turning in his head as he already knew without the details that this story would not end well for me.

"He appeared to be a different man than the one I had sent off to Europe. When we…when we made love, there was no pain. For once it was a beautiful act, but then he asked me to say the words I wasn't quite yet prepared to say. I wanted to be honest with him. Maybe I should have lied and just falsely proclaimed my love. He was angry and left our bed and our happy reunion to go find his friends."

So many memories were shrouded or completely gone, but this one was all too clear. My eyes returned to my lap.

"He stumbled in after midnight. I had waited up for him. I was worried. He was drunk and his mood quickly turned foul when I couldn't honestly say those three little words he wanted to hear. I told him I was going to bed in the guest room and that he should sleep it off.

"I was near the top of the stairs when he came up behind me and grabbed my foot out from under me causing me to fall. I was shocked and when he went to turn me over I expected him to be remorseful, but he wasn't.

"My husband, the man who swore to take care of me in sickness and in health and until death do us part, beat me unconscious and raped his own wife on the stairs that night."

My hand instinctually flew to my mouth to cover up those words and keep me from crying. For the third time, I had to say that word and admit out loud the heinous act that my husband had committed against me. With my parents I was met with denial and rage. With Helen and Thomas it was horror and guilt. A quick glance in Carlisle's direction saw what looked to be a mix of shock and sorrow.

I removed my hand from my lips to continue, a sob threatening to burst from my chest with every word.

"It was the beginning of the end for me. Not a day went by until the day I left Columbus for good that I didn't bear the marks of his wrath. He degraded me in every way for his pleasure and my pain. I was depressed. I lost weight. I distanced myself from important people in my life, too afraid of what they would see. I went to my parents begging them to let me come home, admitting what he was doing to me, but they stood behind my husband. They told me to go home and get pregnant and it would change.

"And then I found out his father had been just as abusive to his mother. She had lost several babies as a result and eventually lost the ability to have children all together.

"Summarily, the urge to have Charles' child was gone. I didn't want to potentially bring another monster into this world. Charles on the other hand, upon hearing that my sister was expecting, decided it was time for us to create a new life."

I swallowed the sobs as I envisioned last November. I almost felt a sense of peace as I thought of the events set into motion in Columbus that lead me to the outskirts of Virginia, Minnesota.

"A year ago this week, I became ill on the street in Columbus and a stranger took me to a nearby hospital to be looked at. While waiting to be seen I realized I had been in that room before. It was the room where I had been your patient a decade before. I was ill and I was injured, but for a moment, I forgot about all of that on the hope that you were there.

"Of course I found out you had left shortly after I had been there the first time. They said you had gone west to California. That should have put an end to any thoughts of you, but it didn't and I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. You see, through my years of being alone and then my years of incredible pain, you were never far from my thoughts.

"I don't know what it was about that night when everything else in that hospital room took my life on a wrong turn, but you left an impression on me. You were so kind. You truly seemed to care about my welfare and were interested in me. And you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen."

I felt a smile creep to the corner of my lips as I remembered his face when I told him about falling out of that tree. The smile faded as my emotions tore in half as they often did when I thought of him during the difficult times when my mind had wandered to him. For all the hurt Charles caused me, I felt guilty thinking of another man, but at the same time thoughts of him comforted me. It was a strange dichotomy, an embarrassment to myself, and uncomfortable to admit to the object of such feelings as he sat just a few feet away from me.

"But you were a stranger. I should have forgotten about you. But I found you haunting my dreams from the moment I left that hospital. Then when I was a married a woman, my only escape was my dreams. I shouldn't have been dreaming of someone else, but my mind kept betraying me. You were my escape.

"I spent just a few hours in your presence, but it was enough. While the man I married was the epitome of evil and everything a man shouldn't be, you were the opposite. You were the unattainable fantasy of a stupid girl."

"Esme…" he started to speak but I had to go on and continued to rush forward.

"I left that hospital last year with a new determination. I went home, removed the rings that bound me to him, and left. I was determined and relieved but frightened. I went to stay with Helen and her husband, Thomas in Milwaukee. When word came that Charles and my family had discovered that I was hiding at their home, Thomas helped me flee again and provided me with everything I needed to start a new life with my child. He was also a good, honorable man."

I took a useless deep breath before continuing, an ache in my voice.

"I held onto that silly handkerchief of yours like some treasure to remind me that good men existed and that you were real.

"Even after that nurse told me you were long gone, I thought about you. I daydreamed about you being happy and older and sitting with your wife and children. I wanted that for you. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to be everything that Charles wasn't, and to have everything that I didn't have. I know it sounds crazy. It is crazy. But then at night – I dreamed of you, often by my side, and I was happy. I was asleep, but for a few hours I escaped my nightmare. I was dreaming, and I was happy and some imaginary image of you was brought me that happiness.

"So you can imagine then my surprise when I opened my eyes from yet another nightmare and there you were. I had lost my family, my child, I had ended my life and had endured the fires of hell and I found you. I had to be dreaming or in heaven, but you soon told me I was not. This time you were real – and better than any dream."

I felt weary. I knew sleep wasn't an option, but for the first time in this life I felt tired. Feeling so much in such a short time was overwhelming. I struggled to speak with so much weight upon me.

"Carlisle, I'm broken and weak. I attacked you after my incident not because you were not being a gentleman, but because my broken mind heard fabric ripping, and saw hands coming at me, and I defended myself as I did against him. It was my past haunting me and I hate myself for it. I'm so sorry that for one moment I thought you were him. I don't know how, for even a moment I could ever imagine him in your place.

"I know you think I'm foolish and childlike; that I need to be parented. Please don't let my weaknesses shadow your opinion of me. I know I'm impulsive and at times uncontrollable and silly, but -"

I didn't mean to yell, but my emotions were overwrought at a much more intense level thanks to my newborn state.

"I'm not a child! No matter how many years on this earth you have over me, I'm not a child. My childhood, any innocence I ever had, are many years gone. There are so many things that I am: reckless, impulsive, destructive, stupid-"

"Esme, stop-" he spoke quickly,and I saw his hands move up to gesture the same.

"Please, let me finish!" I argued, not knowing how much longer I could go on for. His hands fell. "But for all my faults, the one thing that I know is that I am a woman. A woman who, for the first time in her life, is truly able to speak the words that she couldn't speak to her husband, but longed her entire life to say to a man. I love you, Carlisle."

I hadn't stopped. I hadn't paused, but now I held my breath, unable to say anything else. It was all in his hands now. The hands I was staring at because I couldn't bear to look at the face I held so dear and possibly see rejection…or worse, pity.

He was silent. I saw his hand flinch, but it did not move forward to reach for mine. I waited.

When he began his voice was calm, even, and sincere.

"Esme, I am overwhelmed by all you have confided in me and I thank you for being so open and honest."

Please don't say "but."

He did not and the calm evaporated as his emotions took over.

"I knew you had been wronged, but I couldn't begin to image how deeply and for how long. When you had told us that first night that your husband had abused you, it was difficult for me to fathom how anyone could wish to harm one hair on your head just once, let alone what you have just confessed to me. I'm so sorry that for an instant you felt in anyway threatened by me or my actions. I didn't know…"

"You couldn't have known. I was too afraid to admit to it to you," I argued.

"Why were you afraid?" he begged me.

"I was afraid of you rejecting me. I'm broken." I swallowed hard, not wanting to sob.

"Why do you keep saying that?"

I heard his disbelief, but I knew why.

"Because it is true. That man broke me in every way and when I thought for a moment that I was on the mend, that maybe all the pieces were back together, I broke again."

"Esme, when I look at you I don't see broken or any those other horrible things you have said about yourself. I see a courageous soul, an independent woman, who was brave enough to escape for the sake of her child."

"But not brave enough to live," I whispered.

"And I took away your choice."

I shook my head. "No, please, please don't blame yourself for any of this. I can't handle the guilt of your regret."

"There's no need for you to feel guilt, because I do not regret it."

His words surprised me and I finally looked at him. His face was more surprising than his words. There was no rejection or pity. There was care, concern – and was that a smirk at the corner of his mouth?

"You asked me to let you know when I knew why you. I must beg your forgiveness for I did not let you know when I knew."

It was his turn to take a deep breath. He looked almost sheepish as he began to speak.

"I had an idea the moment you opened your eyes and met mine with such fierce recognition. I had another thought when you impishly threw mud at me a few days laterand yet another when I was removing mud from your hair. But it was within that hour, that same day, standing in the sunlight, you beaming and for a moment forgetting every care you had about this existence that I admitted to myself I selfishly changed you because you are the most beautiful creature that God ever put on this earth. I couldn't let you go. I couldn't let him have you. The selfish creature that I am needed this angel, this goddess, and when I realized it that day, all I could do was wait."

"Why did you wait?" I squealed. Was this really happening or was this all just one more Dr. Cullen dream?

"You can't help it but you are so impulsive and I feared your immediate rejection."

"Me, reject you?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes, dear one. And I knew you weren't ready. You needed to get past your fear of this conversation. I hate that you feel you are broken. I hate that man for what he did to you and would ki…"

"No, never. Please, Carlisle, you are not the first person to threaten him in front of me, but I don't want any good man to be brought down by him."

"He'll burn in hell for eternity."

I didn't like hearing anger in his voice or seeing it in his eyes even if it was directed toward Charles.

"If such a place exists, I'm sure he will land there."

"Esme, I will do everything in my power to heal you, to fix you, if that is what you need. I want to – I want to make you forget him and everything he did to you. The three words that you blessed me with earlier, he was never worthy of hearing from your lips. I will do anything and everything to live up to the honor of hearing them with my name attached."

I was overwhelmed by his intensity, and by the realization that this was really happening. All my fears were unfounded and it was possible that he cared for me, and maybe even – but, my vampire impulses made me blurt out…

"Never call me a child again!"

"You are not a child. I've never seen you as a child. It is a term of an endearment that centuries ago, I have to admit,I inherited from my father. I never meant it to cause you anxiety or offense. You are a woman – a beautiful, amazing woman and I love her. I love you, Esme."

His fingers slowly, tentatively reached toward mine and instinctively my hand extended to touch his. He took it and slowly raised it up, his eyes meeting mine as he pressed his lips to my palm.

How many emotions can a person feel at once? Maybe for vampires it is more? My mind was so flooded with thoughts and emotions, but I pushed aside the clutter to see what mattered.

Carlisle Cullen had just admitted without prompting, without pity or reservation, but with the most tenderness and sincerity that he loved me. It wasn't a joke. It wasn't a way to placate me. It wasn't a dream. I felt my hand in his and the sensation from where his lips had just touched it. This was reality.

I briefly saw the surprise in his eyes as I launched myself off my chair, landing on the sofa next to him and threw my arms around him. I buried my face in his shoulder, breathing in the most wonderful fragrance in the world. His arms held me fast and I felt his lips graze my temple.

We stayed like that for a time. I wasn't about to let him go. Not now. Not ever.

Thank you to MelissaMargaret for moral support and being a fabulous beta.

Thank you to my PTB betas Sweetishbubble and CapriciousC.

I had some interesting dilemmas when I submitted this to my betas. They wanted more emotion and physical reactions (and maybe you, gentle reader, wanted more too) and while I added it a bit more I also restrained Carlisle and Esme.

Please keep in mind that Esme is only five months old in her vampire life and she has not interacted with humans. She has practiced her breathing so for her to take deep breaths, although unnecessary, or swallow, those are learned reactions for her now. What she isn't going to be doing is fidgeting or running her fingers through her hair. You can be sure that Edward and Carlisle are teaching her to do these things but breathing was something she accomplished and pushed herself to do on her own. It is very natural to her by this point. Her body language is pretty much non-existent during this conversation other than moving her head to either look at Carlisle or look away.

As for Carlisle, up until this point, his reactions to her have been based on doctor and in a way guardian. It's not that he hasn't felt romantically about her, but he was suppressing that and putting those other roles first. Suddenly he is making the transition from doctor and guardian to suitor/beau during this conversation and there is a line drawn out of respect for her. It wouldn't be proper for him to grab her. And really, when she is telling him about being physically abused, the last thing he would do would be to reach for her/touch her even if his intention is to comfort her. It is only at the end, after they have both declared their feelings that he timidly reaches for her hand. Human Esme would not have launched herself onto his lap. It is impulsive newborn Esme that does that. I know some of you were probably hoping for a big kiss at the end but it wouldn't be proper (and just imagine how great it will be when they do finally kiss).

As for Carlisle's emotional and verbal reactions, she is barely looking at him so she doesn't know how he is reacting. And if she did look up, I would think the vampire exterior would be staying composed to make it easier for her to get through this. But in the end, when he is finally able to voice his thoughts, the emotions come to the surface. I can totally imagine him just sitting there up until this point. This is hard for her to say and I don't think he would interrupt her.

Sorry for that long diatribe. I just wanted to share some insights. I hope you enjoyed the chapter.

Thank you so much for the feedback on the last chapter. To hear how emotionally it touched many of you was just incredible. I hope you forgive Carlisle for the "my child" now that he has explained himself. He never saw her has a child.

If you have read Esme's Story: Book One: The Human Years and haven't reviewed it, it would mean so much to me if you would. The feedback and love for Book Two has been tremendous and please keep it up. I really do value your thoughts and opinions so much. I now have more reviews for the first five chapters of Book Two than I have for all of Book One. My hope is that some new reviews of Book One may bring in new readers to Esme's saga. Thank you!

So here's the time for news that you may find disappointing. I have a thesis that I have to complete over the next month so I probably won't have time to write. So Esme's Story is unofficially going on hiatus until late September/early October. If I have time to write, I will but please don't expect anything new for a little while. I'll come back to you as soon as I can!

Also, please make sure you are following my twitter account OhMyCarlisle, especially if you are a fan of Peter Facinelli. A few weeks ago, someone approached me on twitter about submitting something for a fan scrapbook for Peter's birthday (November 26). The problem with something like that is that he may look at it once, but then it will either end up never looked at again or more likely in the trash. I suggested instead doing something more meaningful like raising money for Alex's Lemonade Stand in honor of Peter's birthday. Alex's Lemonade tweeted me back saying it was a great idea, so then I felt like I had to follow through, which is fantastic because I am passionate about ALS and am amazed by Peter's charity work so it works out. I've set up a virtual Alex's Lemonade Stand that is live, but I'll start promoting in early September for fans to give back as a present in honor of Peter's birthday. Alex's Lemonade Stand is going to help promote it. Being the giver that I am, will have raffle prizes, and I'm going to two Twilight Conventions between now and November 26 so there will be some autographed items up for grabs. Look for information regarding Peter's Birthday Alex's Lemonade Stand coming soon! Please give what you can for this great cause.

*Hugs for everyone*