December 1921

"We have you, Esme. We won't let you get away," Carlisle said in a hushed tone as we walked through the dark streets in Virginia. The snow was still lightly falling and would bury our tracks before the first morning light.

I was experiencing my Christmas present.

It had been a little over a month since Carlisle and I had declared our love for each other and life was so different now. I was different. We were different.

For the all barriers that came down that night, new ones went up.

The propriety of a courtship when the parties in question lived under the same roof was questionable, but truly, Carlisle was a patient gentleman and Edward…well Edward was the reluctant chaperone of his own design.

"It is about time," Edward said with a mixture of sarcasm and happiness when we emerged from Carlisle's study after spending that afternoon talking. Actually, I did most of the talking, recounting what I could of stories from my childhood. We had a long way to go and a lot to tell, but the beginning was beautiful and we had eternity to discover everything about each other.

"I'm happy for you both," Edward said to me later that evening after Carlisle, with some hesitation, had left for work. "You two have needed to have that discussion for so long. It has been driving me crazy!"

"Why didn't you just make us talk?"

Edward chuckled, "Didn't I finally do that last night?"

"Yes, but you could have done it sooner."

"Your mind wasn't ready." Edward's face suddenly looked pained and he reached for my hand. "And I am so sorry that you suffered so much. I know you stopped Carlisle, but if I ever come across him…"

I cut him off, just as I had with Carlisle. "Edward, no. He's not worth it. Please."

"How could he do that to you?" I could see the fury behind his eyes directed toward my husband. He had relived my torment with me as I envisioned the abuse in my mind.

"I'm sorry that you had to see more than Carlisle heard. I wish those memories would have burned but some things are just too ingrained into my memory to have truly faded."

"He's a monster," Edward spit out with a bit of a growl.

"I can't argue against that," I bitterly chuckled. "Here we are as vampires, by every definition and fable, truly monsters, but the only monster I've experienced has been human."

"Barely human."

I hadn't focused on what I had left behind so long ago until today, and so much curiosity now plagued me. "I wonder if he is still searching for me."

"He won't find you," Edward insisted.

"I know, and even if he did, I'm not weaker than him anymore," I smugly said.

"And you have Carlisle and I."

"So I have love and that will defeat him."

"Love conquers all?" The anguish on Edward's face had lessened.

"I have to believe that it does."

And now their collective love was shielding me – protecting me from myself.

I didn't need baubles or books or anything else for Christmas, but I asked for something I did need – exposure to humans.

I wanted to move forward and be able to live outside four walls. I needed to conquer that scent and I knew I could do it just as Carlisle and Edward had. I wanted to be able to walk down the street and resist them.

Walking – a simple movement…or least it should be, but while I had worried little about that movement it turned out it was something on the list of things I had to relearn in this life as well.

"Esme, you are walking like a man," Edward teased one afternoon in late November as I walked into the living room.

"What are you talking about?" I asked defensively, pausing with my hands on my hips.

Carlisle looked quickly between us from his and tried to soothe me. "You have not spent time around women since you changed and your examples for movement have been us."

"I can't help that," I argued, my voice still high in defense.

"No you can't. You are doing extensively well at pacing, but you need to work on walking and gesturing with a little more grace, which I know is inside of you."

"Like piano playing, Esme," Edward added. "Think of the grace that flows through your fingers when you play a hymn and then use it to help with the movement of your hands."

"And hips," I could see his lips turn up in a smile as he looked down.

"Carlisle!" I said in embarrassment, but also felt a sliver of something that felt like satisfaction.

His head shot up with a guilty look as I said his name, and he blurted out, "I'm not trying to offend you, my dear, but your movement is too rigid and-"

Carlisle was looking for the right word, but Edward answered for him.

"Male."

Carlisle gave him a look that would have made small animals scurry.

"With women it is from the hips," he added dryly.

I felt so embarrassed as I practiced walking and gesturing and adding in the additional movements of pushing my hair off my brow, touching my face, rubbing my hands together – all tricks to making me more natural…more human.

Within a few weeks they both agreed that I was doing exceptionally well and my movements would draw little suspicions from humans. I worried that I wouldn't know for sure unless I actually interacted with humans, so I needed to take the first steps to make that happen.

It wasn't without some trepidation that I made this request to be out here on this night, and it was met with equal wariness.

"I've been this way for six months now. I'm more in control of myself than ever. The only way I'm going to get use to them is by being exposed to them."

"Esme, I don't want you to feel rushed into this."

I wasn't surprised that Carlisle would want me to pause. He always tried to keep my mind at ease. I needed to do this though, and I knew he would understand.

"I'm scared to death about the idea of it, but you two have both managed to overcome it. I have to face this fear."

They still looked skeptical.

I turned my appeal directly to Carlisle, looking into the eyes that I adored, and I could see so much care and love in return.

"I want to be able to walk down the street with you. I want to live in town." I smirked as I added, "It is what I want for Christmas."

"Alright," he acquiesced but I could hear the hesitation in his voice. "We'll go Christmas night though when everyone is home. We'll hunt first and then we'll take a walk through Virginia."

We had run far south to hunt during the snowstorm that marred this Christmas. As winter had set in in Minnesota, hunting locally became an issue. Hibernation sent many animals into hiding, and while we could pull them from their dens if necessary, it was easier to head south and find awake and lively creatures.

We had slowed down as we reached the outskirts of Virginia. Carlisle and Edward were on either side of me.

"Are you sure you ready?" Carlisle asked.

"As ready as I'm going to be."

I took a deep and unnecessary breath.

"That's not true. It will get easier when you are no longer a newborn."

"I need to do this, Carlisle."

He wasn't going to fight me. He nodded. "We're here for you then."

Another memory from this short second life washed over me as he took my hand.

"What did you mean when you said, 'I'm not giving up on you?'" I had asked him just a few days after we admitted what we felt. I knew he would know what moment I was asking about.

"I think that those were emotions, that I wasn't ready to let you see, coming to the surface."

I looked at him and patiently waited for his real answer.

"You know now that I was already in love with you. I wasn't giving up on the hope that you would come to feel the same. I wasn't giving up that you could overcome that one mistake."

"We talk of it as a mistake – like I looked to the left instead of the right or I hit the wrong note on the piano, but my mistake was murder," I said flatly, trying to keep my emotions under control, but feeling them rising quickly to the surface.

"I wasn't giving up on you because you knew and understood the consequences of your action. A human died."

"I killed him." My voice cracked as I relived that horrible day in my mind.

"Yes. I wasn't giving up on you that you would rise above that moment."

"I'm a murderer."

"So am I. I killed Edward and I killed you." His tone was intense and remorseful and it didn't need to be.

"You didn't kill me." I nearly screeched in disagreement. I didn't want him to feel guilty of anything.

"I know you made the decision to jump, but in the end I took your life," he argued.

"No." My voice was controlled and I was sure of myself as I said, "I took that life. I destroyed it. I killed myself. You gave me a new life and something worth living for."

His eyes searched mine. "And what is that?"

I cried out with a laugh, "You, you silly man."

I glanced at Carlisle in the present before turning my eyes forward again.

My throat was burning as we approached the town. There was not a soul outside this late or due to this awful weather, but I could still taste the scent of humans on my tongue.

Edward tensed next to me and wrapped his hand tightly around my arm. I wanted to bolt for the nearest building, rip the door open, and sink my teeth into the first human I came across, but I wasn't going to.

"Remember you just ate," Edward said.

"It doesn't taste as good as that," I whined as I struggled to keep my wits about me. I knew I could do this. I had to do this. For Carlisle, I had to beat the temptation.

"I know, but you don't need that."

He was right. It might not be as tasty, but I was surviving on the blood of animals. Although it felt like a need from the very core of my being to devour every human I came across, I could survive without them. Carlisle had for more than two centuries.

Even with that knowledge secure and accepted in my head, this was still the most difficult stroll of my vampire life. I still wanted blood and was using every shred of willpower to keep my feet moving forward down the street. I just had to make it through town at normal pace. Once I was out of it, I could run away back to our home as quickly as possible.

Carlisle paused for a moment in front of a fine looking two-story home.

Why are you stopping? Please keep moving!

I looked at him feeling completely exacerbated.

"This is my house. This is where everyone thinks I go home to."

This was the first time I had seen it. Carlisle barely stepped foot in it. If he did it was usually for show because someone spotted him walking home after work.

Part of me wanted to go inside and see it, but the stronger desires I was fighting against made me rudely urge, "That's nice Carlisle, but can we please keep moving?"

He smiled sheepishly and started walking again.

It was a long, but quiet walk, but I survived it, and so did everyone else.

When we hit the tree line just beyond the town, I grabbed a hand from each of them and took off running, careful not to run so fast that they couldn't keep up.

I ran right into the comforting warmth of our home in the woods.

"I did it!" I squealed.

They both chuckled at my absurd glee, but their laughs had different meanings.

"You did it once on a full stomach," Edward grumbled.

"Edward!" Carlisle scolded.

"It's true. One walk through town after just hunting is barely a challenge compared to walking through town when you haven't hunted for days."

"True, but this is just a first step. You had to take first steps." Carlisle reminded him.

"And I stumbled." Was Edward mad because he expected me to fail? His head flashed to me and he shook his head no. If Carlisle noticed he didn't acknowledge it as he softly spoke.

"We all stumble sometimes Edward, but we keep going."

"Yes, I'm going to keep going, Edward," I insisted. "I don't want to be stuck in the forest forever. I love this place because you two are here, but I want to move to that house in town. I know it won't be easy to get to that point and maybe it will never be easy."

"It will get easier, but never easy."

"Then I'll just have to do my best to get to easier," I resolved.

Carlisle took my coat from me as I shook the snow from my hair. Edward was stoking the fire that had become embers in our absence. I looked around the room. It was home.

As I felt different, I felt my enthusiasm grow for things I had almost forgotten from my human life. First, I decorated.

The lodge hadn't changed much since we first arrived. When items arrived in Virginia from Ashland, Carlisle and Edward had brought a lot of it here to try and make it more comfortable and more like home – however, it still felt very masculine. Living with two men, I wasn't going to make the décor pink and lacy, but I wanted to take a bit of hunting out of the hunting lodge.

I paged through the Montgomery Ward catalog and picked out knick knacks, furnishings, wall coverings, and rugs. I made it feel like home, not just a place to hide from the sunlight. My next project would be the house in Virginia. There were so many things I would have to overcome before I could move there.

"Like what?" Edward said as he took a seat. I was surprised he asked.

"Not wanting to charge into those houses and attack the first human I see."

"You already over came that tonight."

Now he was trying to be positive?

"I was out of line before. You made tremendous strides tonight. Not once did you pull away or think about trying to pull away. You were too focused on not doing just that. I'm sure by spring, you'll be able to start interacting with them."

I was beaming. Yes, winter was just starting, but spring would get here quickly. But even if I could move in tomorrow, what would that mean for us? Propriety of a courtship when living in the same house removed from other's eyes was one thing, but the propriety of a young doctor living in the same house as a young woman…would I have to be his sister?

"Ah, that is a thing." Edward said realizing my concern.

I stood up and floated over to the piano. I sat down and started playing Silent Night. Silence is golden, I thought.

January 1922

"I have something for you."

"A present?"

Carlisle smiled. I didn't need gifts. The way he looked at me was more than I ever needed. Two amazing months of open conversation, but at the same time just scratching the surface.

"I'm hoping you appreciate this gift, or rather I should say gifts…" I saw apprehension touch his eyes.

"I'm sure I'll love it, whatever it is," I tried assuring him, and I knew it would be true. How could I not love anything that he thought to give to me?

Carlisle stood up and walked over behind his desk. He slid open the bottom drawer and removed something from it. He walked back over to the sofa with a box in his hands and sat down on the sofa beside me.

He looked at me with his piercing eyes.

"Your eyes are changing. It is a slow process but I can see the first hint of yellow tingeing the red. In another few months, I'm sure they will match ours. You are becoming better at hunting."

I laughed. "A little less ripped clothes and a little less blood on me. I think I have a long way to go to get to your refinement, sir."

"But you are always improving, Esme. Moving forward. It is wonderful. You are wonderful."

"Thank you, Carlisle."

"It is praise that you deserve, dear. There is no need to thank me."

I would have blushed if I still could. He lifted his hand and reached for mine and I gave it freely. He didn't reach for me often. Knowing my past, I knew he feared that a wrong move would trigger some horrible memory. I was willing to take the risk.

"You are becoming calmer and your reactions are not as impulsive. You haven't broken anything in quite a while."

I chuckled.

"I wanted to wait until you were calm enough to give this to you. I hope you are not angry with me for keeping this from you."

My curiosity was piqued. "What is it?"

"The night you awoke, Edward brought back your things from your quarters. There were a few things among your items that we felt at the time that you would want but were not ready for at the moment. Plus your reactions were so volatile…I was afraid you would damage these items and you would be devastated."

I was whispering now, "What is it?"

He patted my hand and removed it so he could open the box. As the lid lifted, a scent hit my nostrils and more than any touch could strike a memory, this scent was more powerful than any touch. I froze, my mind reeling. He dropped the lid back on the box in response to my reaction.

"Esme, it can wait."

"No!" I swallowed as I shook my head. "I want to see it. I'm alright. Really." I needed what was in that box.

His eyes never left my face as he began to lift the lid again. He placed it to the side and reached inside to retrieve the first item. It made a noise as his lifted it. I hadn't realized that my hand had opened to accept it until Carlisle touched my palm with it.

"Ida gave this to me." I said quietly as I ran my fingers over the smooth wood of the baby rattle. "Right after I arrived in Ashland the baby was so active. She said the baby was going to need constant entertaining. She was waving it in his face only hours after he was born and his eyes were responding to it. It was sitting on the table when I ran out that night…"

I shook it and could see Ida with it, Edward in her arms, as she waved it in his face while I ate. I remembered walking the floor with him in the crook of my arm, rocking him as I too flourished the toy before him. I could see his smile.

I brought it to my nose to inhale the scent. He was barely there. It was still in the box.

Carlisle lifted the next item and I grabbed it gently but eagerly and held it to my face. It had been seven months since my human life had ended with the death of my child, but the traces of him could not be mistaken. Babies have their own scent. To a parent, a mother, nothing can compare to the smell of her child as she holds him to her and kisses his sweet head. In my arms, I held the blanket that he had been wrapped in almost constantly for the first and only week of his life. It was enveloped in his scent, which was so much stronger to my vampire senses, even though his skin hadn't been wrapped in it for so long.

I kept my nose in it for several minutes, just breathing Edward onto my tongue and into my throat and nostrils. I tried to pull from the clouded darkness all images of him. I replayed as much as I could of my week with him. I felt like some of it was gone, lost with so many other human memories, but "I remember Ida announcing that I had a son and holding him up for me to see. I can see him as she placed him in my arms and everyone else in the room seemed to melt away. I remember him taking to my breast for the first time. I announced his name to the room as Edward Thomas Barstow. I played with him the next morning. I made faces at him and he smiled. His eyes, so blue were so alert for a newborn. Whenever he was awake for the rest of that day it was just love and silly faces between the two of us. He started coughing the following day. Ida noticed he was warm in the morning but he seemed back to normal by the afternoon. Then he didn't sleep that night. He was burning up by midday. I had trouble getting him to eat. He kept coughing. The doctor came and said there was nothing he could do. He deteriorated so fast. He awoke and smiled at me one last time the next morning and two hours later he was gone. The whole time, I wrapped him in this."

I buried my face in it again as I bent over sobbing. Grieving once again for my lost child but also grateful to have this for I didn't want to forget him. He may have only been on this earth for a week but he was my son for that week. I loved him and lived only for him. Carlisle gently stroked my back. When I was all cried out I looked over at the man I loved. He looked fearful and upset and I spoke immediately, wanting to assuage his fears.

"This is a wonderful gift, Carlisle. Thank you so much for holding onto this to me. In a way you gave me my son back. You helped me remember him and allowed me to share my moments with him with you. Is there anything else in that box?"

He looked apprehensive now. I'm sure he was worried about my reaction. "I can't help these emotions but I need to feel them. Whatever it is, I need it."

He set on my lap an infant size knit hat, a clean diaper, and a teddy bear. I hugged the bear to me. It had been a gift from Ida as well. She had been so good to me. It had sat it in his cradle with him. I hugged it to me now.

"I miss him," I whispered half to myself and half to Carlisle. "I know I didn't have him long, but I miss him."

"He was your child, Esme. Of course you miss him."

"He was the love of my life. He filled my entire heart. I was a horrible mother to let him go so easily. There had to have been something I could have done."

"I refuse to believe that, Esme, because I know it is not true. You could never be a horrible mother. I'm sure you were the best mother any child could ever have. He was sick. He may have been born ill and there is nothing you could have done. It isn't your fault."

"That doesn't make it hurt any less."

"I don't expect it to, but you can't blame yourself. I'm here, Esme. If you want to talk about him or cry over him or anything else you need…I'm here for you my love."

"Thank you, Carlisle. That means a lot to me."

"You're welcome." He paused for a beat and I notice the box was still on his lap. "I have one other thing for you. You were wearing it when they brought you in that night, and I knew it was so special to you."

He reached in once again to grasp something in the palm of his hand. "Open your hand," he gently said. I did as he asked and he dropped my locket into my hand. I gasped.

"I thought it was gone forever. That I had lost her when I fell." I flipped the delicate clasp apart to reveal the picture of my grandmother. The locket I had worn almost every day of my human life since my grandmother had given it to me for my twelfth birthday. "I couldn't see her. I remembered moments with her, but her face was a blur and I have been mad at myself for letting her go. I can see her now." I said as I stared at the miniature picture.

"These may be the best birthday presents I have received. Even though my birthday means nothing now that I have a new one."

"It is not wrong to still celebrate the day that you took your first breath."

"But now that breath is unnecessary."

He reached for my hand again, which I so willingly gave. "I will celebrate the day you arrived on this earth, Esme. It is still an important and blessed day."

"I can't seem to remember any birthdays at the moment other than my grandmother giving me this locket."

"What did you do last year?"

I tried to lift the veil. "I was in Milwaukee still." I smiled as I remembered. "My Helen baked me a cake while I was playing with Laura and the baby, Henry, was napping. It was chocolate. Laura and Henry's gift was combs for my hair. Helen and Thomas gave me a new copy of Pride and Prejudice but it didn't make it into my bag when I left."

"Only Jane Eyre."

"Yes, just poor Jane and Mr. Rochester."

"And what about the year before that?"

I tried again and sighed as I remembered. "Charles bought me a beautiful bracelet and took me out to dinner. He wanted to go a speakeasy, but I asked him to please take me home. He did but he said I owed him for the present and took me to bed and for my birthday –he made sure to tell me that he would go gentle on me. No new bruises and a bracelet for his wife that she wore once. That was my 25th birthday."

"We'll make new birthday memories," Carlisle said.

"We just could celebrate June 21, when I awoke to you."

"Or we could celebrate both. I'll take any occasion to shower you with presents," he teased me now.

"I don't need presents, Carlisle, and I don't need occasions to celebrate with you," I clasped his hand with my free one as I looked into his eyes. I wanted him to kiss me. I leaned in just a little, hoping to spur him on. "All I need is you here with me. That is reason alone for me to celebrate."

"You flatter me, Esme," he said as he sat back in his chair and changed the subject. "I think your next present may need to be some new books."

I sat back as well before I made a fool of myself. "You mean I should read something other than Jane?"

"I think you need something not as dark and heavy."

"I don't view it that way. It is a beautiful story."

"But Rochester is a scoundrel."

"No," I hissed, raising alarm on Carlisle's face and next thing I knew Edward had burst into the room, placing himself in an instant in the small gap between Carlisle and I.

"Esme!" Edward practically yelled. "He's allowed to have an opinion!"

"I can defend Rochester without attacking him, Edward," I grumbled. Do you really think I would attack him over a character in a book?

"I know…I know he means a lot to you." Edward sputtered. I could see in his face that he knew he had overreacted.

"And I will explain why without causing Carlisle bodily harm!" Go away!

"I'm sorry for interrupting and overreacting. Happy Birthday, Esme."

And as quickly as he appeared, Edward was gone.

Carlisle still was alarmed and now incredibly confused. I took a deep calming breath.

"Edward knows that Edward Rochester means a lot to me. I named my son for him."

His eyebrows raised in surprise and his mouth went slack slightly but he immediately looked as remorseful as Edward and I hoped he won't bolt from the room too.

"I am so sorry, Esme. I didn't mean to offend you."

"You are not the first person to see Edward Rochester that way, but my view of him is quite different. I empathized with him so much in my human life, my first life."

"But how? Why?"

"He was duped into marrying someone he didn't love and turned out to not be the person he was promised she would be. When he finally found someone whom he adored he only lied to try to secure some happiness in his life. His mate tried to destroy him but with Jane he had hope for the future. And in the end, after so much suffering, he got what he deserved, a long and happy life with his Jane."

As I said the defense I had used for Edward Rochester before, it had new meaning now then when I read it in Columbus. Some of it I empathized less with, some more.

"I know the pain Rochester suffered. I was supposed to have happiness. I didn't love Charles but our marriage would be a good one. He turned out to not be the man or the husband I thought I was getting. I understood Rochester all too well. He felt obligation at times even though he received nothing of value in return. I longed for a Jane to bring happiness and light back into my life. For a long time, I envied him for his suffering did not end in vain but with him finding the purest love of all.

"I found my Jane in the child I carried. The baby was my hope for the future. I was going to live a long and happy life for my child that I named Edward for the 'scoundrel' Edward Rochester. Instead I ended up blind and in the dark alone, my Jane Eyre gone forever. No matter how much I cried the name across the moors, my Jane would not hear me and would not return. So I leapt as Bertha did to no longer feel the pain. "

"I have caused you a great offense," he said with concern and regret.

"No, Carlisle, you haven't." I assured him, "Truly. For a book entitled Jane Eyre, many only feel for Jane. I disliked Rochester the first time I read the novel. It wasn't until I read it again when I was suffering in my marriage that I saw Edward Rochester in such a new and elevated light."

"I think I need to reexamine the work of Charlotte Bronte."

"I have a copy you can borrow," I said with a smile.

February 1922

There was a soft knock at my door.

"Come in, Carlisle."

He opened the door, hesitating in the door frame.

"I said come in, dear."

He glance around as he stepped in, leaving the door wide open.

"This room has truly become your own."

It had become my own space. I had replaced the old bed and furniture with a sofa, an end table and a chair. I kept a wardrobe, mirror and a small vanity as well as it was still the room I got changed in daily. I had a small collection of art supplies as well.

"Thank you for allowing me to make it my own."

"You don't have to thank me. I just want you to be comfortable. It is your home and you need your privacy."

"Thank you just the same."

"What are you working on?"

"It's private," I joked but Carlisle didn't always catch onto my humor right away. He started backing toward the door. "I'm teasing, Carlisle!" I patted the seat next to me on the sofa. "Come here and sit down. I'll show you."

He walked forward and almost stopped to sit in the chair but I invitingly patted the sofa again and he took the seat leaving a gap between us. I shifted closer to him. If he wasn't coming to me, I would go to him. I was surprised by the thought and my boldness as soon as it happened. I guess some of my impulsiveness still ruled some of my behavior. He didn't shy away.

I set down the pencil on the table and flipped to the beginning of the sketchbook on my lap. I looked pointedly at him, "Now you have to promise not to laugh at my attempts at works of art."

"I'm sure there will be nothing to laugh about, Esme, unless it is supposed to be funny."

I nodded before turning to the first page. "That's the house I grew up in."

He started laughing and teased, "That is a funny looking house."

"Carlisle!"

"I'm teasing."

"I know."

"Which window was your room?"

"When I was young it was this one," I said as I pointed to the one on the right on the second floor. "When I was older, I took a room downstairs that had been my grandmother's. It didn't have a window facing the front. It was on the left side."

"How often did you sit on that porch?"

"Not enough. I sat on that swing." I pointed to the porch swing to the right of the front door, "watching life go by. I could see the road from it. I could see my neighbors going back and forth to Columbus."

"You were too busy with chores to spend time there."

I shook my head and smiled. "There were so many other places to go. We had so much land to explore. There were animals in the barn to keep company, fields to run through and trees to climb, my father's shed, my mother's kitchen, my room – so many possibilities in my little world for a little girl to play in."

I flipped to the next page to show Carlisle the barn as I remember it.

"I started with places. It was easier to try to remember the details of building and rooms."

I showed him the interior of my father's shed, my childhood schoolhouse, and my downstairs bedroom.

"Where all my dreams began."

His finger traced along the lines that had created my worn dresser with the hair brush sitting on top of it, the window, the bed with the floral comforter and the blanket folded at the end that my mother had crocheted for me. He touched the pillow.

"Where your head rested as you dreamed?"

I nodded.

"What did you dream about?"

I swallowed before I blurted out just you. I thought about it.

"I don't really remember other than you."

"There had to be more than some old doctor."

"It was the most important dream."

"Hardly. I mean it, Esme. I'm learning what happened but I want to know what you wanted."

"No one ever asked me that. I tried to make some of my wants happen but nothing ever lasted."

"What did you dream about Esme?" He asked again with a bit of wonderment as he reached his hand forward and picked a strand of hair away from my face.

"I dreamed about education." I blurted out.

"Education?" he asked as he pulled his hand back.

"I know it is silly for a girl off a farm to dream of attending college but I loved school. I had a thirst for knowledge. I dreamed of earning a degree and my name being called as my parents watched proudly. I doubt even if I had finished secondary school I would have been able to to go. Helen and Grace didn't get to go and their parents had the money."

"But did they have the ambition? Did they want to go to a university?"

"I don't think they did. I don't know how Grace did in school but Helen didn't really enjoy it. She was more focused on the boys than her schoolwork."

"You wanted it. It would have happened."

"Don't, Carlisle. I have enough regrets and mistakes."

I flipped the page to change the subject. "That's my father."

"I know. I met him. It is an excellent likeness."

"In the hospital." He nodded.

I flipped on to my mother, then Sarah, Michael, and Millie.

"Your sister looks so different from you."

"She was my opposite in every way," I sighed with a heavy heart.

"You didn't get along?"

"I loved her so much but whatever I did was never enough. She wanted what she perceived as my perfect life in the city. When I told her what was happening in my marriage she refused to believe me. She never forgave me."

"I don't mean to make you sad."

"It is good Carlisle. I had written them off. I had tried to forget them all for the sake of Edward being my only family…but I never could. Even with the pain they caused me."

I flipped to the next page. "This is William, my younger brother. He's 17 right now. The same as your Edward."

"Our Edward." Carlisle spoke softly, " He is as much a part of your heart as he is of mine."

"He wanted to rescue me. He was 15 when I begged my parents to let me leave Charles and come home. They refused but William overheard it and suggested we go west so I could teach and he would support me by becoming a miner."

I picked up the charcoal pencil and put a smudge on his cheek.

"There, just like a miner."

"You miss him?"

I nodded.

"I do. I made him promise me to finish his schooling and marry for love and cherish her ever day. I hope he is happy. I hope he isn't worried about me."

"I'm sure not a day goes by that he doesn't wonder about his big sister."

"I wish his sister wasn't so forgetful."

"What do you mean?"

"There's only so much I can hold onto. I'm grasping for it really. All these images are me just trying to grab onto them and hold onto them so I won't forget they existed in my life."

"They are there still. You are capturing them beautifully."

"I wish I could tell Helen and Thomas that I'm alright."

I flipped to the picture I had been working on. It wasn't like the others. The others were portraits but this was a moment of life. Thomas and Helen at the breakfast table in their Milwaukee home, holding hands on top of the table as they looked in each other eyes. Thomas was at the head of the table and Helen, obviously with child, was to his right. Laura was sitting across from her mother, beaming at her.

"They look so happy."

"They always were. When you were with them you were surrounded by love. Helen was my sister for all intents and purposes. I adored her and I know she loved me so much. Thomas was such a good man. He took such a great burden on himself with me and my situation. He welcomed me into his home with open arms and did everything in his power to keep me safe. He came to mean just as much to me as Helen did."

"And the little girl?"

"That is Miss Laura. Her mother's daughter but also a daddy's girl. She was almost a year old by the time Thomas came home from the war and he made up for it. Such a pretty and happy child. She brightened so many of my days when I was in Milwaukee."

He sensed my emotions.

"You can't contact them, Esme."

"I know. They think I have gone into hiding somewhere with my child never to be heard from again and it is better that it stays that way."

"It is."

"But I know they must worry. Helen especially. I miss her."

Then Carlisle did something he hadn't done since the night we confessed our love, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to his side. I rested me head on his shoulder.

"I know it is difficult, but you had already said all of your goodbyes when you left Milwaukee. You had bid that life farewell and had moved on to Anne Barstow."

"And now I'm back to Esme."

"No, you have moved on again to Esme. A new life as Esme. I know you called your human life your first life, but I believe you had multiple lives in your human life."

"So I was wrong?"

"About what, my dear?"

"About just the cat having nine lives?"

"I'm desperately hoping you stop at three."

I looked up from his collar and met his eyes.

"Me too," I squeaked as I reveled in his closeness. I wanted him to pull me tighter. I wanted him to press his lips to mine, but I had to settle for a kiss on the forehead.

Thank you for your patience! Thank you to my betas Melissa, Sweetishbubble, and cullenite21. The next chapter is written, but needs to be beta reviewed.

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