Chapter 12

18 months later

Olivia

"Alex, we are having a rough patch. This isn't any reason to run off to the damn Congo," I yelled at her angrily. Her back was to me. I'm furious but what can I expect from her. At least she bothered to drive over to tell me that she had a flight for Africa in the morning.

"Olivia, I want to do this. You knew I was interested in helping over there. You, also, knew I had looked into going over there. Why are you acting like this is just something I sprung on you?" She's faced me when she said that but she looked as frustrated as I was angry.

"You did just spring this on me. Two weeks ago, you said you were interested. You said you were going to apply. That was the last you said about it. Today, you tell me you are leaving in 12 hours."

"I just found out myself. I didn't intend to leave so quickly, Olivia. I thought we would have more time, also."

"What happens to us, Alex?" I've never ran. Not from her.

"I don't know, Liv. I just don't know," she told me quietly. "I wish things didn't change between us but they did."

"We are like any other couple in the world. We have problems but we can't work on them if you're halfway around the world!"

Alex just stared at me. She stood in my living room and gave me such a cold look. "I don't know what you want me to do. I don't. I can't just turn down this opportunity because we have problems. It doesn't work like that."

I was crying. I could barely see her through my tears. Our world was ending and I seemed like the only one who cared.

"Liv, it's for a year. You know I will be back in one year. We have phones, e-mail, and skype. We don't have end our relationship when I leave."

I just nodded. I had no words left. She left moments later. She took most of what she had left at my apartment. For some odd reason, we always stayed at my place. It was rare that she went to her place anymore. I slept on my couch that night and every night after that for a month or so. I got drunk several times. I called in sick once. My work didn't suffer though. I didn't hear from Alex during the first month.

Our problems were big. She didn't want to be out at work. She didn't want us to live together because it would look like we were together. She wanted to appear to be a straight woman. I was ok with her not wanting to be out at work. I was really ok with that. I didn't enjoy pretending that we weren't together when men would flirt with her. I hated watching her flirt back. She didn't flirt much but when I did see this, it hurt me.

I realize that her hiding her sexuality was just a coping mechanism. Alex Cabot had always been different in an exceptional way not any way that could be misconstrued as improper. She didn't want judges and defense attorneys thinking about her sleeping with women as she tried a case. I never once thought of a judge's sexual preferences when I testified. I tried to talk to her so many times but she is so conservative.

I heard from her after about 5 weeks. I was at work when I saw the e-mail from her. I didn't want to read it because I was still so upset. Finally, I clicked on it and saw her words. My eyes watered but I didn't cry.

Liv,

I'm here and doing ok. The Congo is one of the prettiest places I've ever seen. There is just so many atrocities here. I feel so needed.

I've been thinking about us, also. I don't know what we can do to fix things between us. I know coming here wasn't the answer but I didn't know what else I could do. I don't know if I will ever be able to come out. I know you want me to but I don't think I can. I do miss you.

Love always,

Alex

I sat for a few moments. I just stared at my screen. Finally, my fingers started moving across the keyboard as if by their own volition.

Alex,

Thanks for letting me know you arrived ok. I'm happy you feel needed there and I know your work will make a difference.

The guys have all asked about you. I will let them know you think it's beautiful there.

You said you don't know if you will ever be able to come out. I've tried not to pressure you about it but we are at a stage in our relationship that involves changes. We are at a point of natural progression. Until you left, we spent nearly every night together. There really doesn't seem to be a need for two apartments when we sleep in the same bed 6 out of 7 days.

If the idea of living with me made you run halfway across the globe, then maybe we shouldn't live together. Is that all I've needed to say to keep you close?

I love you, Alex. I always have. I miss you and I wish you were here right now.

Olivia xoxo

It was nearly a week before she sent another e-mail.

Olivia,

Say hello to the other detectives for me. How are they doing?

You deserve better than what I've given you. You don't deserve somebody who is too afraid to share a home with you. You deserve somebody who is as brave as you are. My courage is only in the courtroom. I don't deserve to have your love. I don't deserve it and I haven't earned it.

I'm so afraid being a homosexual will end my career. This is the real world and careers die out over smaller things. I still think about being a senator one day and living with a woman could kill my chances. I just don't know if I can give up what I've wanted my entire life.

I'm sorry Liv. I keep thinking about this and all I come up with is how bad this could hurt my career. I didn't ask to be gay. I didn't want it, at first. When I met you, I felt like anything was possible. When we first kissed, I was on top of the world. I've never been so enamored with any one person in my life. When we are together, I feel as if I could do anything. When we aren't together, I feel like some horrible person. I'm constantly anxious that somebody could learn that I'm in love with a woman. I don't know if I could stand that kind of judgment from my peers.

I love you more than I can ever describe. I'm just so overwhelmed with negative possibilities.

Alex

I was at home when I read that one. That was a good thing because I can't believe she would be that ashamed of herself for loving me. So, I sent her another one about a week later.

Alex,

I fell in love with you years ago. I've told you that before and I hope you believe me. I'd like to tell you something else. I have forgiven you for so many things. I didn't hold it against you when you momentarily lost your mind and insulted a Columbian drug lord. That one thing cost me two years of having a life with you. I didn't hold it against you when you left after Connors' trial was over. I just accepted it and lost another little bit of time. I forgave you for sleeping with your co-worker while in WPP. I forgave you when you came back and didn't answer my calls. I forgave you for pretending that I didn't exist. I forgave you for getting engaged and not even sending me a damn invitation. Last year, the Governor's ball, I forgave you for attending alone. I pretended to understand the need to not be seen with a female date.

I've been forgiving you for years. I'm tired of being so forgiving. I want you. I love you. I want to make a life with you. I don't ever want to be with another woman. I only want to be with you but I'm tired of being made to feel like a dirty secret. You have all of these political aspirations but all I really see is an excuse. I keep hearing about this gay senator and that gay senator on the news. So, I guess there aren't any rules about homosexual politicians.

I will still be here when you come back, if you come back. I'm not going anywhere. I don't know if you expect me to wait for you. I will if you want. I have decided one thing, I won't be your secret when you come home. I can't do it any longer.

Liv

Alex POV

When I received that last e-mail from Olivia, I was angry. How could she even begin to understand my career path. I couldn't care less about which senator is gay. I know a few of them are. A few, maybe two or three, out of 100. There are a handful of gay congress people. Homosexual politicians have huge targets on their backs. It's hard enough to get into politics.

One of my co-workers, Henry, saw me after I read that email and came over to my work station. We didn't have offices because we there wasn't room. We worked out of cubicles like any random office shown in a movie. There was no need for law books on shelves because all of the laws we needed were on a computer program. Most of my work was done on the computer.

Henry sat down in the chair next to my desk and asked, "Alex, is everything going ok? I noticed you swearing a moment ago."

"Thank you, I'm fine. Just a small glitch," I lied.

"My wife told me to never believe a woman who says she's fine. Is there anything I can do?"

I looked at Henry, he was maybe 35 and kind of adorable. He was just so nice. He was watching me expectantly and then I found myself saying, "How about we take a break and I tell you over coffee?"

He smiled and stood. I pushed back from my desk after closing my personal e-mail. We walked out of the building and went toward the small coffee shop next door. Nothing here made me thing of the US, except this little coffee shop. It's main source of revenue was our office building. Henry and I ordered and found a seat.

"Henry, my problem is of a personal nature. Would you mind if I talked about some very personal things?"

"Of course not."

"I'm a...um...well," I stammered.

"When I got a bad test score as a kid, I would stare at any object as I told my parents. Maybe that will help," he suggested.

I stared at my cup and finally whispered, "I'm a bisexual and I'm having trouble with my...my partner."

"Oh," he said quietly, "I don't know much about the whole same sex relationship thing, but it can't be very different than any other relationship. Can it?"

My eyes nearly popped out of my head, "Henry, do you really think it could be similiar?"

"Two people who love each other. That's the general idea, right?"

He was so direct with me that day. I found myself explaining about coming here and my reasoning behind it. I told him about Olivia and how much I cared for her and the rest of my concerns. He listened so intently. When I finished, he knew about the last e-mail I had received from Olivia. I had read all of them to him from my phone. I waited for him to respond and when he finally looked up at me, he said, "Sounds like you broke up with her."

"What? I didn't break up with her," I nearly growled.

"Be objective, Alex. You pretty much said you didn't deserve her and then you told her you loved her but didn't know if you could ever get past your concerns over your career. Sounds like you were saying she was better off without you."

"I guess but I didn't mean I didn't want to be with her."

"What are your political aspirations? You've mentioned it several times but I've never heard you say anything about politics before today."

"When I was young I made plans about running for Senate or even governor of New York. I decided to prosecute sex offenses because they are some of the worst crimes. I wanted to become a senior ADA and then possibly bureau chief. After that, I wanted to become the DA. I figured I would hold that position for a few years and then run enter the senate race."

"Sounds like some plan," he said without any enthusiasm. "How long have you been an ADA?"

"Somewhere around 6 years. I was Bureau Chief for about a year in the middle of that time."

"You went from ADA to Bureau Chief and back to ADA?"

I looked at him and said, "I was in Witness Protection and when I came back, I was given the spot of Bureau Chief. I stepped down after I realized that job wasn't for me."

He picked at his cup for a moment and said, "But Bureau Chief is part of the line of succession to the DA slot?"

I nodded and said, "Yes, if there was a rank system, it would begin with junior ADA then senior ADA. Bureau Chief follows then DA."

"But you don't like being a Bureau Chief. Do you still intend to get promoted to that position again?"

"Yes, well, I...haven't looked at it that way before."

"Alex, do you still want to be a senator? Or is it something you decided years ago and then clung to the idea?"

"I...I'm not sure. I could still do it. Maybe, I think I would like to," he had me so confused.

"I wanted to be a baseball player when I was a kid. I told my whole family I wanted to be a ball player. I could've been too. Except I broke my ankle sliding into third. It was pretty bad too. The doctor said no more baseball when I didn't get full range of motion back. I still answered baseball player when my family asked what would I want to do. One day, my father asked me if I had considered anything else yet. That's when I realized I wasn't going to play ball anymore."

I just stare at him, "Sorry about your ankle."

"Sorry about your ankle, Alex. Now, what do you want to do when your older?"

I smiled sadly and said, "I guess I will come up with something."

I e-mailed Olivia a few days later.

Liv,

I'm still thinking and deciding on a few things. Sorry I haven't responded sooner. I really thought I would have better access to the internet when I applied. I only have it when I'm in the office or the coffee shop next door. Skype is definitely not an option. Well, it could be an option if I took my laptop in after hours.

I realize my last e-mail to you sounded pretty terrible. I have no excuses. I can only say that it sounded like I wanted to end things with you but that wasn't my intent at all. I'm sorry for my lack of clarification. I hope you accept my apology.

Work here is work, if you're still interested in hearing about it. I probably won't see a courtroom while I'm here. Mainly, I interview and help prepare testimony. It isn't very glamorous but I do know what is needed here. About ten thousand Olivia Bensons. Rape and sexual assault are such a part of the landscape here. I'm convinced an army of you could change things. Anything short would be a waste.

I wear a new perfume. I don't think you would like it but it keeps the mosquitoes and flies away. Insect repellent. There are so many threats here. There are so many threats from mosquitoes alone. Who would have thought that so many different diseases could be hanging out inside one little insect. It's always hot. The air conditioning in the apartments that we are assigned to is limited. It only makes the place tolerable. I've learned about humidity also.

It's always humid here. New York is bad in the morning but eases during the course of the day. Here, it's just humid. We have so many thunderstorms and they don't help the humidity to abate. 80 degrees with 95 percent humidity will make walking two blocks feel like running a mile. I still run but only indoors. There is a small gym next to our apartments.

We are just outside of Kinshasa, so relatively safe but still not safe. This place is like a small town combined with an army fort. It's a UN base so there is a fence around the whole place and if I were to leave the fence without my ID, I might not be able to get back inside. We are still discouraged from being outdoors for too long. It's too hot to be out there for long periods anyway. We have been instructed to only eat here and to drink bottled water only. If I have to leave and eat elsewhere, I have a list of approved places. Because of the sex trafficking and high occurrences of rape, women are never allowed to leave by themselves.

It's bad here. But I'm ok. It's winter time here, which means less rain and not quite as hot. When I think of winter, I think of snow. Guess that isn't going to happen. Will send you some pictures so you can see what it looks like.

Alex