Chapter 14

Alex POV

My time with Olivia over Christmas was too short. It only took a day or two for us to fall into patterns at home. She cooked, I washed dishes. Okay, I loaded the dishwasher. We watched silly tv shows. We watched the news together and discussed the big news. We drank coffee together. We showered together. We discussed her moving into my apartment. That was the only argument we had. It just bled into any topic for the last two days.

When I left for the Congo, I felt relieved. I was tired but happy to be away from the toll my relationship took on me. Liv said she didn't want to move in with me. She wanted me there with her. Her place is small. It's a two bedroom but she uses the second bedroom as an office of sorts. I need space for an office also. I keep a lot of legal books at home. My case files take up a lot of space. I take up a lot of space when I'm researching. I just thought my apartment would make a little more sense.

She balked at the idea. I couldn't make her see my point. My place is paid for and I know she leases hers. In my place, more of her money would be freed up for savings, vacations, or whatever she wants. She accused me of not wanting to slum at her apartment. I love her place. I think of it as home more often than I do my own apartment. I don't care about having a doorman. I think it's nice but not necessary. I just thought she would like the larger space. She refused to budge when I suggested she decorate any way she wanted.

I shuddered as I remembered the argument. At one point, I was a spoiled princess. We said so many harsh things.

"Liv," I asked her, "would you mind moving into my place when I get home?"

"What? I thought you felt at home here."

"I do. I'm just considering many factors here. My place is closer to both of our jobs. It also has more space"

Immediately, she was defensive. "So, my place isn't big enough for you?"

"No, Liv. You have an office here. I have an office there. I have enough space for us to both have an office."

"I quit using my office a few years back. You could have it if you need it."

"It's not just that. I own my place. If we lived there, you wouldn't have to worry about paying a lease. You wouldn't even have to worry about parking."

"Alex, I really don't want to be reliant on you. I like my apartment. Some days I wish it was nicer but I'm happy with it."

"Liv, be reasonable. It would save you so much money. My building is even safer," I realized then I should give up but I couldn't. "The doorman keeps out unwanted visitors, so you would never have to worry about getting buzzed awake or the wrong person getting into the building."

"Alex, I'm not some spoiled princess or prima donna who requires a doorman. And if the wrong person wants to get into any building, they will. It only takes a little determination," she said heatedly.

"I'm not a prima donna, Liv. Have you ever thought about a strange man just following your neighbor in and picking your locks? It would be so much easier here. Imagine coming in and some deranged rapist being in your home. What would you do?"

"I would shoot him, Alex. What would you do if one was inside your apartment? Call your doorman?"

That's when I got angry, "Of course I would. I would just call him and it would all be over and done. My building doesn't have basic locks, it has the ones that are supposed to be impenetrable. It also has a security system and I have an alarm system. Somebody may get in through a window but the alarm will summon the police. Crisis averted."

Liv opened a bottle of beer and began speaking slowly and quietly, "Even an alarm can fail, Alex. Surely you know that. All of the bells and whistles in the world won't protect you."

"Liv, you don't even have an alarm. I'm just offering a little more security than you have now."

That was how the conversation ended. She turned on the television and ignored me. She even slept on the couch again. The next morning was worse. She was a little hungover and extremely angry. I ended up going to the DA's office to catch up with some old friends while Olivia stayed behind. I spent the entire day out of the apartment and she seemed angrier when I came back. I was tempted to just go to my place but I promised to stay with her.

I decided to just apologize but failed to notice the empty beer bottles in the trash can. I guess that was another mistake because in her drunken state, nothing good was going to happen.

"Liv, I don't know why me asking you to live in my apartment hurt you but I'm sorry. I'm not sure which part is bothering you but I didn't mean it as an insult."

"No, I'm fairly sure you meant it as, 'I'd rather not live in a state that is below my upbringing.'"

"Olivia Benson, I can't believe you would suggest that I'm some sort of elitist."

"Alex Cabot," she slurred, "if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it must be a duck."

"I'm not going to stand here and be insulted. I thought you would be open to living in a nicer environment. I thought you might want to live closer to your job. I thought you wanted to live together but you haven't brought it up since before I left. I thought I would invite you into my life this time."

"I don't like your place. It's like a museum for old people," she mumbled belligerently. "Your furniture isn't for curling up on, it's for proper people to sit on."

"You could move your things into my house. You could furnish it any way you wish. Olivia, I'm not suggesting your home isn't enough for me, I just didn't think I should suggest moving in with you. Had you offered, I would've accepted."

She stood up quickly and swayed a little. I reached out to help her but she just waved me off and said, "I gave up on you living here with me. I'm not going to live in your apartment. I don't want to so I won't. Quit nagging me about it."

She left the living room and went into her bedoom. I left the apartment because I couldn't make myself face her. I knew I had hurt her in the past but I didn't realize how much I had. I never dreamed she would say no. I went to visit Casey Novak. We had spoken earlier in the day and she said I should stop by anytime. I knew she didn't realize I would leave the next day but I figured sitting with Casey was better than being at Liv's place.

The plane touched down at the Kinshasa International Airport. Once again, I made it through customs quickly. A driver from the compound was already waiting for me. We made our way out of the airport and once outside, I remembered how harsh the humidity was. I was still in shock over Olivia not driving me to the airport. She did offer in a backhanded way. She didn't act like she cared so I just took a cab.

Olivia POV

I almost felt bad for the way I behaved with Alex. I wanted to enjoy every second with her but she had to bring up living together. Of course, it had to be at her apartment. No suggestion of us finding one we were both agreed on. She just wanted me to live in her fancy penthouse apartment with the damn doorman and special locks. The lock on her door costs more that my couch did. Hell, buying a window for her place would probably set me back a few paychecks.

I've struggled every month to make my rent. Being a police officer or even a detective doesn't pay very much. I'm in a rent controlled apartment. I was lucky to even get the deal back after being undercover with the FBI. If I moved in with Alex and we split up, it would be unlikely that I could find a place in Manhattan. I knew I could keep my place but it seemed senseless to have an empty apartment. My lease agreement barred any sublets so there was no opportunity there.

So, I was angry and I got drunk. Twice. I don't know where she went that last night. I went out to apologize and she was gone. She was back when I woke but I didn't know where she slept. I offered to drive her to the airport but I was angry again. I was angry because I felt like she was finally willing to be open about her relationship but only at her whim. I returned to work the day after she left. Crime never stops so I had a lot to do when I returned.

Days passed, I didn't hear from Alex. It hurt but I wasn't one to give in during an argument. Yes, I was wrong to accuse her of nagging but she was wrong. She never should've suggested I live with her after being so adamant about keeping our relationship quiet. I tried to keep all of this out of my mind but it just kept surfacing.

A case brought a young man into my life briefly. Calvin Arliss came to live with me for a few months before his biological father revoked my temporary guardianship. My life changed so much during that time. I was home at a reasonable time everyday. I cooked more and drank less. He was devastated when he left and I thought my world was ending. I felt like I had lost so much.

I saw Dana Lewis, my FBI contact from when I was undercover a few years back. El and I worked her rape case. Despite her best efforts to throw us off, we solved it. I almost understood why she didn't want us to find him. Almost. We did solve it. We worked that case while I still had Calvin living with me.

A couple weeks later, we worked a case that involved a news anchor of sorts. She did those Neighborhood Predator shows that Alex always liked. She had received death threats and what not. Then a bloody scarf arrived. I accompanied that woman into a park where we found so many bodies. That case was a nightmare and in the process, we lost ADA Sonya Paxton. She solved the case for us with the bite she took out of the killer. Grafton was one of the worst our squad had seen. The case was something that had haunted Paxton after she promised to find the killer. In the end, she did. I only wished she lived to see him convicted.

Alex finally sent a short e-mail in the spring. I really hadn't been looking for one from her and almost missed it.

Liv

I guess really don't want to speak to me anymore. I would love to say I understand but I don't. Please say something. Tell me to go screw myself or whatever, just say something.

Alex

The e-mail was time stamped 6:23am which means she sent it after 1am. I don't know what to say to her so I just started with my life lately and then went from there.

Alex

It's been awhile. Since you left, I have been a temporary guardian to a young man named Calvin. He left my care a couple months ago. We lost Sonya Paxton. She was murdered at an AA meeting. Her killer was sentenced to death by lethal injection. I helped solve a rape of FBI agent. Lots of other stuff, but those things stand out in my mind.

As for saying anything to you, I'm sure you can understand I've been fairly busy. I don't know what to think about the way you want us to be a secret and then not a secret. I don't know what to say about living with you. I treated you like you treated me last year when I asked you. I would say we should talk but I think it's too late for that. As much as I love you, I think we will always have too many bad memories between us.

Olivia

Almost immediately, she responded with her own.

Olivia

Is that it? Too many bad memories? Which bad memories are those? We were together for 18 months and our only disagreements were about me not being willing to come out at work and not wanting to live together.

I didn't want to live with you because I knew living with you would pretty much out me to anyone I knew. I'm trying now. I was trying when I invited you to live with me. I'm willing to do that now. I want to be with you and have every single person I know aware of my love for you. Please don't end our relationship like this.

Alex

Breakups were always hard on me but I knew I had to end this. To just say my piece and forget about what could have been. I decided to send one last message and then let it go.

Alex

We were together before those 18 months you mentioned. We were together when you left for the WPP. You came back and never bothered to call me. You spent 3 years here without saying one word. When you did come back, I tried to forgive you. During the 18 months you mentioned, our relationship was mainly at your discretion. Every date we had was somewhere out of the way. I was never invited to dates with you here in the city. You wouldn't even attend the annual ball for police officers with me.

I know you came back and had some sort of PTSD but that didn't excuse you. I realize you were worried about your career but that doesn't excuse you either. I'm a real person with real feelings. I was willing to spend the rest of my life with you but you couldn't get over yourself long enough to realize the world doesn't revolve around your sexuality. This is what I should've told you before you left last year.

You have made me feel like a dirty secret for so long and I'm done. I'm not going to live in your home just because I'm finally good enough to acknowledge as a lover. To really say it plainly, you have made me feel like I'm not good enough so often that I cannot begin to get over it. You left without discussing it with me. You said you wanted to apply to work over there and you did apply. You never mentioned that you were being considered or were in any sort of hiring pool. I doubt you received a phone call one day asking you to leave your entire life in 24 hours. I bought that when you said it but it's too hard to believe. What kind of employer would do expect that much from a prospective employee?

So, this is it. I boxed up all of the clothes you left here some time ago. I can take them to your place whenever you want them there. You could come here and get them whenever you come back. I don't want to talk about our relationship any longer. If you come here to get them, don't expect an audience for whatever argument you may have about how I feel.

If you do come back to the DAs office, I will be as professional as I have always been. Just don't expect all of the lunches we used to have together. If you are assigned to Special Victims, I will still do my job to the best of my ability, regardless of our past.

I wish you all the best, Alex. One day, maybe we can get past some of this and be friends like we used to be. I just don't think I could ever consider anything else with you.

Olivia

I sent that e-mail while tears soaked my face. I don't cry often and she is the only one who consistently caused it. I was scheduled off for the next day so I grabbed a third beer and drained in a few gulps. I pulled the fourth out of my refrigerator and grabbed some tissues from a box on the end table. Before I blew my nose, my laptop dinged to let me know a new message had arrived. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose before I sat behind the laptop again.

Olivia

You can take my things to my apartment. I guess that would be easier for both of us. Just put it wherever.

I want you to know that I do love you. I was ready, Liv. I was finally ready to be with you with no qualms about any ramifications it could have on my professional life. I guess it just wasn't soon enough. I wasted too much time worrying. I worried about myself after being gone. About how scared I was. I worried you wouldn't want me in such a damaged state. I worried about coming back to SVU. I worried about the toll it would have on me. I worried about getting close to you again and the having to leave. I worried about people finding out about us. I worried about the possible conflict of interest. I worried that I couldn't love you enough. And then I chose to leave.

I'm sorry for all of the pain I've caused. One day, I hope you can forgive me. Until then, I hope we can remain friends.

Alex

That e-mail seemed even more final than mine did. I cried more and drank more. Over the next couple of months, I threw myself into work like I never had before. My life felt so empty and my job was the only constant I had. I drank with the guys when they invited me out after work. I just treated my life like I had before Alex. It was all work.

I just couldn't let them be happy together after all of that stuff. I'm not done yet though. I should be able to get another chapter finished before the end of the weekend.