November 1930
Philadelphia

"It looks like a bakery in here. Have you studied at all?" Carlisle asked as he walked into the kitchen when he arrived home from work. I had been baking loaves of bread to deliver to the mission. There would be no food on our table ever, but the least I could do was help others when so many people were hungry.

"People are starving. It's the least I can do, and yes, I studied in between batches."

"My wife the little do-gooder," he said with a kiss on my cheek as he set the newspaper down on the table.

"Look who's talking, Dr. Cullen," I said poking him lightly in the side with a floured covered finger.

"Do we still have a date this evening?"

"Yes!" I said excitedly. At least once a week we had date night, which inevitably was a night out at the movies.

"What are my choices?" he asked with a grin.

"'Abraham Lincoln' or 'Hell's Angels.'"

"I'll have to ponder that one. I'm going to get changed," he said as he turned toward the door.

"Anything interesting in the paper?" I asked.

"I just picked up the evening edition. I haven't read it yet," he called to me as he left the kitchen.

I finished cleaning up as I had been doing before Carlisle arrived home. I picked up the paper and skimmed over the dismal headlines. I flipped through it, but on the obituary page I froze.

Evenson – Charles Jonathan, 37, president of recently faltered Columbus Savings and Trust in Columbus, Ohio, suddenly on November 17. Beloved son of Mary Evenson and the late Jonathan Evenson of Columbus. Survived by his uncle, Nathan Evenson of Philadelphia. Services and internment to take place in Columbus.

I didn't know what to feel and yet I felt everything.

The monster was dead. I was a widow. I wasn't even mentioned. He never mentioned Nathan. Suddenly? How?

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw something. I didn't know what I wanted. I couldn't form a coherent thought.

"Esme?"

I hadn't even sensed Carlisle's presence as he came into the room. I felt off kilter as I turned to face my husband. His relaxed smile disappeared immediately.

"You look as if you've seen a ghost. What is it?" he asked, his tone worried.

I couldn't speak. I just pointed to the paper on the table – to the spot where my last name glared at me. I stepped away.

I watched him reach the table in one stride and pick up the evening news. I saw his eyes scanning before registering what I had seen. He starred at it longer than he needed to read it. His eyes turned hard.

"I can't say that I mourn his death, Esme." His voice was emotionless and unlike him.

I still couldn't find my voice. The world felt tilted. Nothing made sense.

"Esme?"

I didn't want to cry. It felt like the worse display I could possibly make. What would he think of me if I burst into sobs over that bastard?

The more I tried to suppress the hysteria that was building, the more I knew it was pointless to try. Whether I wanted to express my emotions that way or not, the onslaught was coming.

I ducked around the corner and down the hall. I wanted to keep him at bay as much as my feelings.

"Esme?" I heard him call once again, his gentle footsteps following me.

If I ran out the door he would run after me. If I locked myself in a room, he would bang on the door or maybe even break it down. He wouldn't let me be.

I turned into the living room.

"Esme-" he started in the doorway but I cut him off.

"I don't…" I yelled, but my fist went to cover my mouth and I turned away as I sat on the sofa.

"Esme, he was evil. He hurt you," his voice calm but firm.

"I know what he did! I was there!" I shrieked. "For three and a half years I lived as his wife and when I left I mourned! I mourned what should have been! I mourned failure! I cried tears of sadness! I cried for happiness! I cried tears of utter relief! I cried out of fear! I was confused! I was scared! I was excited and happy and sad! Was he a widower? Am I? I don't know what to feel! A man has died! My husband has died. No matter what he did I can't just shrug my shoulders and say, Oh well, good riddance and go see 'Hell's Angels!'"

"But that's exactly what you should do!" Carlisle said, his voice rising. "Go on without him as you have since you left Columbus a decade ago. Living your life was your revenge."

"I never wanted revenge," I choked out. "I wanted justice. I wanted to move on."

"And you have. You are my wife and I'm your husband. Charles Evenson should have already been as good as dead to you!"

"You don't understand," I said shaking my head.

"No, Esme, I don't," he said, trying to speak with a more rational tone. "That devil did unspeakable things to you. Things that if I had any idea were possible for someone to do to you I would have kidnapped a young lady in 1911 to protect her."

"But you didn't know and you didn't spirit me away. I took vows – the same ones I took with you," I argued.

"And I've honored them and I always will. He did not. He broke them within hours of marrying you! I will not mourn him and I won't watch you mourn him either. You are too good for that, Esme," he compelled me.

But I wasn't. The sob broke in my chest.

Carlisle was true to his word. He turned and walked out of the room. I heard him put on his coat and the front door close as he left.

Two days later

We had barely said two words to each other.

I couldn't lift myself out of my melancholy and Carlisle refused to acknowledge my feelings. I felt so confused inside and I had no one to talk to. My best friend didn't want to hear it. All I could do was continue to try to work through it internally. I wasn't succeeding.

Carlisle was at work when the knock came at the front door. I picked myself up and fixed my hair quickly with my fingers then smoothed my hands over my dress. I threw a couple coins in my pocket in case it was a beggar.

When I opened the door, I was shocked by who I found and I saw the surprise on their faces at my appearance.

"Esme, my dear, you look a wreck! Whatever is the matter?" Carmen blurted out immediately.

"Is Carlisle alright?" Eleazar asked hurriedly.

I threw my arms around Carmen and she held me tight. "Esme, what is it? Is it Carlisle? Is it Edward?"

"Carlisle is fine," I said, my voice shaking. "I haven't heard from Edward."

"Then what is it?"

She knew that Charles had been abusive. She knew I had left him. Would she understand?

I took an unnecessary gasp of air and said, "Charles died. I just found out a few days ago."

"Your ex-husband?" Eleazar questioned.

I nodded. Carmen still had an arm wrapped around me.

"Where are my manners? Come in! Come in!" I urged as I welcomed them into our home. "And I should be the one with questions," I said as I lead them into the living room. "Please sit. What are you doing here?"

Carmen was studying my face as she spoke, "I had been thinking about you and wondering how you two were doing. We decided to seek you out. I missed you. I didn't expect to find you quite like this."

"I'm sorry. I'm usually not like this," I said, once again trying to fix my hair.

"Where's Carlisle?" Eleazar asked.

"At the hospital. He should be home in about an hour. He's angry at me for being upset about this," I revealed.

"What happened to Charles?" Carmen asked gently. She had taken the seat next to me and kept my hand wrapped in hers.

"I don't know!" I said too loudly. "And maybe that's part if the reason I'm so torn. It just said 'suddenly' in the death notice."

"The notice was in the paper here?" Carmen continued calmly with her questioning.

"Yes, apparently he has an uncle in Philadelphia. I never met him or knew of him. I don't know why I'm so upset after all he put me through, but I can't seem to pull myself together."

"Esme, my darling, you are anything but heartless. He was your mate and you can't help but be emotional," Carmen rationalized.

"Carlisle doesn't see it that way," I mumbled and lowered my head.

"Carlisle's protective of you and the biggest threat of your existence has been removed from the equation."

"I'm so conflicted, but I shouldn't be," I said, my voice dropping off.

"Eleazar, my love, why don't you seek Carlisle out. Surprise him. Let us have some women time," Carmen said warmly to her husband as she tucked my hair behind my ear.

"No, you don't have to go. You just arrived," I protested as I looked up.

"It's fine, Esme. Really," he said easily with an understanding grimace.

"It's east of here on Spruce before you get to 34th Street," I direct him.

"Thank you. I'll find it," he said with a nod before he left the room and slipped quietly out the front door.

"Oh my dear, Esme," she said as she embraced me again. "I'm sorry for your loss. Men don't always understand a woman's heart the way they should."

"What do you mean?" I asked warily.

"I don't need to talk to Carlisle to know that he is upset that you are mourning his enemy and rival."

"Rival?"

"Yes, rival. Charles had you first. He had a claim to you. He also was, please excuse my language, a bastard, who didn't appreciate the gift that he had in you and treated you horribly. Everything you have told me about him, and I'm sure I haven't heard the half of it, indicates that he was a vile and cruel man."

"He wasn't always," I said quietly.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" she asked with a tone of understanding.

"Yes…I mean no." I didn't know what to think.

"Did you ever love him? Care for him?" she continued.

"I cared, but the care grew less and less as his poor treatment of me went on with time."

"You ran away. You abandoned your vows, your husband, and your marriage."

"I cried. I mourned my failure."

"Charles failed you, Esme, not the other way around. I'm sure you were everything an ideal wife was supposed to be. He turned out to be anything but the ideal husband you agreed to marry."

"We were friends, or so I thought. It should have worked," I said half to her, half to myself.

"But it didn't and once again you mourn the long lost friend, not the cruel man that was Mr. to your Mrs."

She was right. I hadn't understood why I didn't cheer for the freeing of the world from his cruelty, the man that should have loved me and protected me all of my days. It was the memory of the man who I thought would do that for once winning out.

"He was just thirty-seven. I would be thirty-five….our son would have been nine."

"And how many other blessings you could have had by now."

"Yes," I whispered fighting back the sob once more.

"He destroyed it all with his actions," she said gently. There was so much wisdom in her cadence. "He bears the responsibility of forcing you to leave. Even with all of that, your good heart won't let you hate. It won't let what you perceive to be cruel in. That man earned every single bit of scorn, but you mourn the good times instead of revel for the bad. It shows your good character. It should show your current husband how lucky he is, but as I said before, men don't always understand a woman's heart the way that they should. When it comes to wives at times it is even less. There're men like Charles who don't ever attempt to understand it and dismiss it. And there are men like Eleazar and Carlisle, who make the effort because they care and love so completely that they want to understand their wives' every whim and they will spend eternity not always understanding, but making the attempt to unlock all of its secrets.

"Forgive Carlisle for his foolishness and his smugness."

"Carlisle's rarely smug," I said truthfully.

"He is at the moment. His rival, your enemy and his, has lost. He no longer exists. Carlisle never has to fear the threat of Charles again, but at the moment he is feeling like the loser because his wife has given all of her emotions to his now former rival."

"Should I apologize?" I asked, devouring every bit of guidance she could give.

"Absolutely not!" she said with a stomp of her foot. "You have every right to let your emotions out. You are safe. You are protected. You are adored and loved. You have the freedom to express yourself because you are comfortable and protected. He's acting foolish, but that doesn't completely excuse him. When he comes around and realizes what he has done, which I'm sure he'll get to with Eleazar, he'll feel like a fool."

"I wish I knew what happened," I whispered, confessing another underlying concern.

"We could go find out. Ohio isn't that far," Carmen offered.

"You don't have to do that."

"If it will give you piece of mind to know then it is no problem at all," she said resolutely.

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, Esme."

I could tell she was sincere. She was a lifesaver to me at that moment.

"I'm happy that you are here," I said, squeezing her hand. I could feel a bit of smile on my lips for the first time since I saw the obituary.

"I told you that I would always have an ear for you whenever you needed someone to talk to. I didn't know how much you needed someone when we set off, but I'm happy that we arrived when you needed me," she said hugging me again.

"Impeccable timing," I said with a weak laugh.

"Now that is my specialty."

When Carlisle and Eleazar returned home hours after Carlisle's shift had ended there was tension in the air. Carlisle greeted Carmen then hugged me and whispered in my ear, "I will always love you. I will always protect you." He then retreated to his office.

Carmen spoke to Eleazar about going to Columbus. He urged her to stay with me and he would go alone. He was gone for four days. During that time, Carlisle remained distant when he was home. Carmen tried to manage her time between the two of us. I knew it wasn't a comfortable situation for my friend, but I appreciated her being there and her concern.

Carlisle stood against the wall just inside the entranceway of the living room as Eleazar took the chair closest to me and Carmen held my hand on the couch.

"He killed himself, Esme," he said gravely.

I gasped. I had thought illness or accident, but suicide…I hadn't let the thought in. I hadn't thought that he could end his life as I had taken my own.

"According to the police report he left a note. He blamed the bank's failure."

"How…" I couldn't say the words, but Eleazar knew the question.

"He hung himself."

I swallowed and lowered my head for a moment to compose myself.

Eleazar continued, "There was an article about his death in 'The Columbus Dispatch.' It made brief mention of the disappearance of his wife in 1921, never to be seen again."

"They'll start looking for me," I said quietly.

"Who's 'they?'" Carmen asked.

"My second cousin and her husband. Maybe my brother. They'll think with Charles gone that they can bring me back into the fold."

"Esme, no," Carlisle, knowing my thoughts before I could process think it, spoke for the first time. "You can't contact them. It's too dangerous."

"I could just send them a note to let them know I'm happy," I pleaded.

"I agree with Carlisle," Carmen said. "There's too much of a risk. They'll want to see you. They'll try even harder to find you if you contact them. Your life is with Carlisle, now. You can't go back to your human life once you've entered this one."

I sighed deeply. I knew they were right, but it didn't mean my disappointment was lessened.

"It's better this way, Esme," Eleazar added.

"Is there anything else?" I asked.

"He wasn't completely penniless. His mother will be fine."

"Thank you for that."

"You're welcome, Esme," said Eleazar. "Does it bring you any peace?"

"It helps me with my process. It helps me understand what happened and that helps," I said feigning a half smile.

"Good," Eleazar said, his eyes going to Carlisle and then looking toward his wife. "Since Carmen and I haven't seen each other in several days, please excuse us. We're going to take a walk." He stood and reached for Carmen's hand, which still held mine.

"Will you be alright?" she asked me, glancing toward Carlisle.

"I'll be fine," I assured her. "Go with your husband."

They fled the house, leaving me with my husband.

"I'm not angry at you, Esme," he spoke first. "I'm angry at everything he put you through and then to see your happiness suffer again for him has been a cruel joke."

"I wish I didn't feel what I felt. It would be so much easier to dismiss his death and go on. It doesn't lessen my love for you. If anything the memory of him reminds me of how lucky I am to have you. He once told me, whether I loved him or not, I don't hate. It's not in me. No matter how much I wanted to despise him I was not capable of it and that was my curse. I was just too damn emotional. He was right."

Carlisle walked over and took the seat beside me on the couch recently vacated by Carmen.

He looked me in the eye as he lovingly said, "Esme, what he called your curse, I would call one of your greatest gifts. Your emotions are driven by your passion, but you always search for the goodness in people. I've been wrong to deny you your feelings. I just hate to see you hurt because of him."

I touched his cheek and told him with complete sincerely, "But, Carlisle, I heal because of you."

For the first time since I learned of Charles passing, Carlisle pulled me into his arms. He didn't say a word. He didn't have to. He stroked my hair and my back in gestures of love and comfort. He was attempting to give me the comfort I had needed for days and also ask for forgiveness.

I buried my face in the crook of his neck and stayed there. I would always be safe in his arms. Every touch would be one of love. There would be fights. We would get angry at each other. But Carlisle would never harm me. He would never derive pleasure from my pain. He would never manipulate or control me. He would never deny me my passions. When I fell, Carlisle saved me – Charles didn't and no one was there to save him – that was his curse.

Carmen and Eleazar stayed with us until the beginning of the new year. I enjoyed their company tremendously and found myself opening up and being more candid with Carmen.

We spent many hours discussing our husbands and the follies of vampirism. A kinship that had started roughly three years ago was blossoming into a dear and cherished friendship. She wanted to know all about my studies and I gave her a detailed overview of all that I had learned.

"Although I could stay with you much longer, my dear friend, you have your studies to complete," she said supportively.

"I don't begin class again for another week," I disputed.

"And I think you need that time to reacquaint yourself with your husband before you start back," she said with a wink. Although Carmen and I had a few conversations about intimacy that would have made my husband blush, the idea of being intimate with Carmen and Eleazar in the house just had not been appealing.

"Carmen," I complained with feign embarrassment.

"You'll be the first female vampire I know of to have a college degree. I'm proud of you. So work hard this last semester so you can go on for that master's degree you daydream about."

I would miss her.

"I will. Thank you," I said.

"I expect a graduation notice," she demanded.

"Do you receive mail?"

"Carlisle knows how to get a message to us," she said as she gave me a hug. "Remember that. If you ever need us, he knows how."

"Thank you."

"I love you, my dear Esme."

"I love you, too," I said grasping her hand tightly.

I said my goodbyes to Eleazar and then both were gone. I didn't know when I would see them again, and I missed their presence as soon as the door was closed. I turned to Carlisle and was met with mischievous eyes.

"What?" I asked with a laugh.

His eyes darted from my face to the stairs and back again.

"You don't want to waste any time do you?" I said, suppressing a smirk.

He shook his head.

As much as I wanted him too I decided to tease him. "I should really get a jump on reading my textbooks." I turned toward the living room, but heard the sound of a whimper behind me.

I turned around and planted my feet on the ground with my hands on my hips and said firmly, "Tell me what you want."

"I want you naked in my arms, sprawled out on our bed, and me buried inside you," he said quickly, but with such a fury that I couldn't even think to deny him.

I started toward the stairs. "Well why didn't you say so sooner?"

Before I could even put my foot on the first step, he swept me up in his arms and blazed a trail to our bedroom. It was there that he quickly had exactly what he wanted and so did I.

Author's Notes

Thank you for your reviews and your love.

As always, thank you to Ali, Heather and Melissa for their beta work.

My work has been nominated for several Sunflower Awards.
"The Esme Chronicles: The Vampire Years" – Best Esme
"Miracles and Mischief" – Best Romance Story
"The Rocky Horror Cullen Halloween Show" – Best Humor Story
Voting is open now until February 19. Please vote. The URL is on my profile page under "Latest News." You'll have to copy and paste it due to ff temporarily deactivating all hyperlinks on profile pages.
Thank you for the nominations and for voting!