June 1931
Philadelphia
The wind whipped at my skirt as I crossed the quad. I could smell the rain that was coming in on that muggy night in Philadelphia. The thunder rumbled in the far distance.
I had done it. I just sat for my last exam of my undergraduate studies. I was just days away from collecting my diploma. I was going to be a college graduate.
But tonight there would be dancing.
I thought about the pre-dawn conversation when I coerced my husband into taking me out that evening, but there was so much more we discussed…
I had been in the place of perfection – wrapped in his arms, my body laying against his, feeling the afterglow.
"One more class," he said breaking the silence.
"Not even a class, just an exam," I said with a grin on my lips.
"Have I selfishly kept you from your studies?" he asked with a tone of worry.
"I'm as prepared as I'm going to be. Your selfishness was perfect for relieving any stress I was feeling," I said as I snuggled against him.
"I'm so proud of you," he said gently.
"I've come a long way in a decade. It's overwhelming if I think too much about it. Ten years ago today I was a very pregnant school teacher."
He was silent as his hand passed over my stomach, resting just at my navel.
"Are you happy?" he questioned.
"What a question to ask!" I exclaimed turning my head to meet his eyes. "Of course I'm happy. I have so much. I am married to most wonderful man in the world-"
"Who loves you with every fiber of his being," he interrupted.
"Yes, there's that, but he's also encouraging and pushes me to be more than I am."
"You are everything to me," he confessed with unnecessary emphasize as his fingers threaded through my hair.
I continued, "I have a beautiful home and nice things when others are suffering so much right now. You give me the resources to contribute and help out those who are in need."
"It's your heart that compels you, not the resources."
I ignored his denial. "I'm about to receive my college degree from a prestigious university. It's something ten years ago that I thought I would never be able to accomplish."
"You were focused on other things then."
"It doesn't mean that this wasn't something that I still wanted – I just had thought it would be impossible."
"I just worry sometimes about what I took from you."
"Carlisle, why are we having this conversation now? You took nothing from me. I took it. I ended it. I destroyed it. You gave me back life. I have never been happier than I have been with you."
His hand caressed my check as he looked into my eyes.
"Ten years ago I never imagined I could have this. I was a bachelor living with a young man…a friend…a son, but I never thought for a moment that I would find love and would know a woman's touch. I had no idea I was about to stumble upon the goddess that would be my better half, who would accept me with my flaws and love me despite them. Who would make me feel things I that I never knew were inside of me. An angel that would teach me how to fly and take me to heaven. Who forgives me so easily and gives me solace."
My hand touched his chest over his heart. "You're everything I ever dreamed of…literally. I never thought I would love and be loved by a man. I never thought I would find someone who would encourage my intellect and want me to better myself. I didn't think I could ever feel what I feel when you touch me. I love you and I love you for being proud of me and wanting me just as I am."
"You're perfection," he breathed, staring at me with a look that I felt I was beyond worthy of seeing. His adoration through a look should be reserved for things more exalted than me, but I was flattered to be held in such esteem.
"Far from it, but thank you," I said as I nuzzled my face against his neck, wrapping my arm across his chest. "I feel pretty close to whole. It's been a long time coming, and it's not that I don't miss him because I do, but I feel like we're in good place."
"I feel it too." I could hear the hope and happiness in his voice. "There will always be a space for him in my heart, but you're right, I feel like we've made so many strides and I'm so ridiculously happy with you – my brilliant and beautiful wife."
I tickled him right along his ribs causing him to convulse with laughter, but his hand caught mine before I could trace my fingers lower. He brought them to his lips.
"I would do anything for you," he whispered against them.
I pushed myself up to meet his eyes again. I knew he saw the enthusiasm in them. "Anything?"
He looked wary then. He swallowed and cautiously responded, "Anything."
"So you're taking me out dancing to celebrate after my exam tonight." It wasn't a question.
He groaned and rolled his eyes.
"You said anything," I added, reminding him of the commitment he had just made.
"Couldn't we just dance here?" he asked as his hand slipped down to grasp my behind.
"I'll be much more obliged to dance horizontal later tonight if you take me dancing on two feet," I teased. "It's been so long."
"We went to the cotillion last month."
"Where fellow students ogled my husband," I protested.
"You know I only have eyes for one student and that's fine because she isn't in any of my classes."
"But she certainly has gotten an education from Dr. Cullen," I said as I ended the sentence with a lick of his lips and a wandering hand.
"My naughty wife," he said with a chuckle.
"You wouldn't have me any other way."
"No, I wouldn't."
"Including her love of dancing with her dashing husband?" I asked, stopping my hand just short of where he wanted it to go.
He groaned again.
"I'll wear that dress," I said playfully.
He perked up. "The gold one?"
"Yes, and what happened to 'I would do anything for you?'"
"We'll go dancing tonight," he confirmed.
"I know."
I bit my lip remembering what happened next.
I picked up my pace a little as I turned onto our street just a few blocks from home. The rain was getting closer and I didn't want to get caught in the downpour. I also was excited to see Carlisle and to celebrate with him. If the rain arrived before I did, I knew he would use it as an excuse to get out of dancing tonight.
As I arrived at the path leading up to our front door the wind was howling with gale force and I knew my dancing dreams were going to be put off for that evening. That didn't mean I wasn't going to tease him about it.
I slid the key in the lock and pushed the door open stepping inside. "Carlisle," I called. "It's just a little storm so don't think you're…" I froze.
Sitting in the entrance hall was a relic of my past.
I dropped my things on the table by the door and went to it. I ran my fingers over the smooth wood of the arms. Before I could even think to ask how my grandmother's rocking chair was sitting in my entrance hall, the scent in the air struck me.
I was met with silence.
I darted the few steps into the living room and could barely believe the scene before me.
"Hello, Esme," Edward said as he rose to his feet where he sat beside my husband on the sofa.
I felt so much – happiness, relief, fear, anger, but it was all trumped by love.
I crossed the space between us, moving past Carlisle, and wrapped my arms around our son. I felt his arms across my back. He really is here.
"I am," was all he said against my hair.
I was crying. All I could do was hold him and cry. He rubbed my back as I clung to him. After several minutes, I released him to look at his face. I touched his cheek as he looked down into my eyes. His eyes were orange, but I didn't care. I don't care. You're home.
His face contorted with emotion. "I don't deserve this," he said with a shake of his head as he brushed a thumb over my cheek to wipe away the tears that couldn't fall.
"When did you come home?"
He flinched slightly at my words. "I arrived about an hour ago. Carlisle's been filling me in on your educational endeavors."
I looked over at my husband for the first time. He looked overwhelmed as he watched us. I kept an arm around Edward as I reached a hand toward Carlisle, which he blindly took.
"Our son is home," I whispered. Carlisle was on his feet embracing us both.
Within a minute Edward stepped back. "I'm sorry. For everything."
"It doesn't matter," I stated. Nothing mattered. He was here.
"It does matter. I was horrible to you both. I rebelled."
"Yes, you rebelled. Young men rebel against…" I couldn't finish the statement.
"Their parents? It's alright, Esme – Mother."
My heart no longer beat, but in that moment I felt it – I felt it lifted and soaring. It was a title I didn't deserve or earn, but I wanted it and wanted to fill that role for him.
"You have shown as much love, concern and affection for me as the woman who bore me. And you," he said, looking at Carlisle, "have given me more credit than I have ever deserved. I don't have any right to expect you to let me stay."
"This is your home, Edward. Wherever Carlisle and I are it will always be your home. We are a family."
"Esme is right," Carlisle spoke up. "You are a son to me and our door is always open for you. There is nothing that you could ever do that will change that."
"You may not feel the same once you know what I've done," Edward said, looking down.
"Nothing," Carlisle said again. Whatever his thought was behind it made Edward meet his eyes again.
"Edward," I said, breaking up their staring match. "Tell us."
Edward took the chair and I sat down closest to him on the couch with Carlisle next to me. My husband took ahold of my hand.
"When I left I was angry. I was angry at you both. I was angry for what I am. I was angry for not changing or growing up. I was angry at not being able to move forward. I was angry for what I felt, at that time, I was being denied, which was what I truly craved and thought I deserved.
"When I left, I wandered…" And he went on to talk through the night as the rain poured down outside.
He told us about how he wandered through the wilderness in Canada, before ending up in Quebec. He eventually headed back to the U.S. and made his way down the eastern seaboard stopping in cities along the way. He kept going turning into the Gulf States and down through Texas. He journeyed into Mexico and further down into Central America then South America going all the way to Argentina. He eventually made his way back up through the middle of the country.
He spoke to us in length about his mindset and how he had become a vigilante in his thirst for blood. He would hunt in cities – searching for the dregs of society. His eyes were watching me warily as he talked about ending the lives of rapists and men who abused women and children. He killed the murderers or sometimes ended the murder before they could carry out the crime.
"I didn't want to be a monster, but I wanted to live that way. I had to know what it was like to be what almost every one of our kind is. I needed to feel what it was like to have human blood in my body all the time. But there were times when the villains couldn't be found. I was surrounded by humans just living their lives and going about their day to day. They weren't always kind or caring, but they weren't committing crimes against another. I didn't want to end their lives. What would happen to me if I continued on this course? I had taken so many human lives of guilty men and I felt justified in ridding the world of them, but the need for their blood was beginning to rule my judgment and the cost to the innocent would be too high. I had to get out. I had to stop.
"It wasn't easy. I made the decision near the end of last year. I stayed South through the winter trying to wean myself off, by giving myself access to animals, which tasted like complete rubbish after more than three years off that diet. I gave in to temptation several times. In the spring, I made my way north to Rochester, but I found that you were long gone. I tried the lodge to no avail. Eventually I ended up stopping in Chicago. I could tell you had been in the house. When I saw that so many of Carlisle's items were gone I knew you had to have moved somewhere with the intention of staying there for some time. I was able to track down the moving company, and determine that your things had gone to Philadelphia. And that's when I headed in this direction. I had a slip on the way," he said, gesturing to his orange eyes. "I took some time to recommit myself before making my way into the city and then it was just a matter of tracking you down as long as you were still here."
He paused. He studied both our faces before glancing down at his hands in his lap. When he looked up again, I saw that although his looks had not changed for they were forever frozen, he had aged.
He continued, "I don't deserve the forgiveness and acceptance you two are offering. I was vile to you and broke your confidence in me. I failed you and your beliefs."
His eyes were locked on Carlisle's. My husband was calm when he spoke, "Edward, it was wrong of me not to tell you both everything. In a way, I think I was trying to protect you from worrying about things that I foolishly thought wouldn't affect you. I also was wrong to not be more understanding of your craving for our kinds' natural prey."
"But you were so sure of your beliefs. You still are. I rebelled against everything you have worked and fought for."
"It wasn't enough."
"It was more than enough," Edward protested. "I was wrong. It took me several years to realize it, but I was wrong to fight so hard against you. Everything you did and everything you said was with love. I got angry because I was selfish and felt entitled to what you were denying me. For a long time I was happy with my decision to live a different life, but over time I realized it wasn't enough. Yes, I was sated when it came to the blood I so desired, but when the hunt was done and the body disposed there was nothing. I filled my time for a while, but it was lonely and I began to know what you felt for so long, Carlisle. Although my short time away is hardly comparable to your centuries alone, I began to understand what that lifestyle meant and what I was losing by making that choice. I couldn't justify it. I can't change what I have done and I don't expect you to welcome me back. You two have a life here on your own. You're happy and I can see that."
He turned to me, "Esme, I'm so proud of you and I'm so sorry that you felt the brunt of so many of my outbursts. I know you were practicing tough love. You only wanted what was best for me and were trying to guide me in your own way.
"Seeing you two again…you both mean so much to me and what I did was inexcusable. I have no right to ask you to let me return, but I needed to see you both and let you know that I had seen the error of my ways. I needed to let you know that I'm sorry for how I treated you and how I left. I'm sorry for everything."
"Edward, yes, Esme and I have gone on without you. We had to." Carlisle's voice was strained as the hard times stirred in his memory. "It wasn't easy and some days were more difficult than others as we mourned our loss. We have leaned on each other, but you left a hole in both our hearts. We love you. Although we have no right to, we think of you as our son. I think of you now as the one who had been lost and now is found. I know I speak for Esme when I say our home is always your home."
"Of course it is," I added. "I am so happy that you are here, Edward. Please don't go. Everything is forgiven. We love you."
"You two are better parents than I deserve. I'm honored that you would remotely think of me of your son after all that I have done."
"We all make mistakes, Edward. It's what we learn from those mistakes that determines who we are and how we move forward," said Carlisle. I squeezed his hand.
"You are home," I confirmed then blurted out, "You can't leave us again."
Carlisle squeezed my hand.
"And besides," I said, "now that you are here I expect you to stay to see me walk at graduation."
I saw Edward suppress a grin. "I would be honored."
"And is that my graduation present?" I said pointing toward the hall where my grandmother's rocking chair sat undisturbed for hours.
I saw a darkness fall over Edward's face briefly, but as quickly as it appeared it faded. "It's from me. You had told me about the chair when you were working on Carlisle's desk. When I was making my way back up north, I found myself in the vicinity of Columbus, Ohio. I was going to try to burglarize it from your former husband's home, but when I came upon it I discovered that he had died. Carlisle told me that you knew of this. The home wasn't occupied, but it hadn't been cleared out yet. I just took it." He chuckled. "I had it shipped to the Chicago house. When I caught up to it there and found out that you were in Philadelphia I had it shipped into storage here. Once I figured out where you were I went to get it so I could bring it here as a peace offering."
"Thank you. I never thought I would ever see it again and it was the most difficult object to leave behind when I departed Columbus."
"I know. I'm glad that I could bring it home to you where it belongs."
"And where you belong," I said with a grin that I couldn't hide.
"I've missed you, Esme," he said with an apologetic smile.
"And I've missed you, but now let's figure out which room is going to be yours," I urged wanting to get him settled in.
"No, if I'm not asking too much, I'd like to hear about what you two have been up to. I want to hear everything."
We spent the next several hours discussing the last three and a half years of our lives. It was warm and happy and I wanted us to stay forever this way – the three of us – our family.
"Esme Anne Cullen."
I walked across the stage to the dean in my cap and gown to receive my diploma – my bachelor of arts.
I wanted to cry for joy as I shook his hand and he handed me the distinguished piece of paper. It was the impossible being realized. I was proud and I wouldn't deny my pride this time. I had done it!
I had so much. I was married to the most amazing man in the world. Our "son" had come home. Now I had the education I had longed for since I was a child. I felt empowered.
I had picked out Carlisle and Edward's loud claps as my name had been called. I scanned the crowd for their faces as I walked off the stage. I caught glimpse of the top of their blonde and bronze heads. I wanted to run down the aisle and show them, but I had to file back into my seat.
I opened the folder and looked at my name emblazoned on the official sheet. I couldn't take my eyes off it as the rest of the degrees were conferred.
When the ceremony ended, I threw my cap in a way that it would fall back to me. We filed out with all the pomp and circumstance that we had marched in with.
I went looking for my men in the corridor as soon as I could.
I had to stop myself from running when I saw Carlisle. I held onto my cap and moved quickly through the crowd stopping in front of them beaming.
"How do I look?" I teased, posing with my diploma in front of me.
Carlisle reached out and wrapped his arms around me. "Like the smartest woman I have ever met."
I looked at his face. Even without tears, I could tell he had been crying. I touched his face and he knew that I knew. "I'm just so incredibly proud of you, Esme. This has been such a long time coming for you."
"I couldn't have done it without your support."
"I will not take any credit for this. This was all you," he said kissing my cheek and holding me a bit longer.
"Thank you," I said quietly and then added with a whisper in his ear, "but I am giving you credit for some tutoring."
He looked at me surprised and then gave me a devilish smirk and a wink. "My brilliant wife hardly needed tutoring."
"But you are so good at helping me out with my lessons."
Edward cleared his throat. "Just a reminder, I'm back, but I'll give you two some time to yourselves later."
I looked guiltily at Edward who opened his arms to embrace me. I left Carlisle's arms to fall into my son's.
"I know this means the world to you. I'm sorry that I wasn't here for your journey, but I'm glad that I was here to witness the conclusion. Thank you for including me."
"I wouldn't dream of not including you."
"I can't wait to see what you accomplish next, Mrs. Cullen."
"I'm thinking a master's degree and then maybe a doctorate."
"Another Dr. Cullen?" Edward asked surprised.
"You never know. The possibilities are endless."
"And I have no doubt that you will achieve whatever you set your mind to, Esme."
"That's exactly how I feel at the moment. I can do anything," I said with a grin.
"And you will, Esme," Carlisle interjected. "And we'll be here for you every step of the way."
Author's Notes
Welcome home, Edward! I hope you enjoyed his homecoming. I know many of you have been waiting for him.
Thank you to my betas Melissa, Ali and Heather!
The Esme Chronicles: The Vampire Years won The Sunflower Award for Best Esme. Thank you for your votes and your love!