Author's Note: Hello, everyone! The M rating starts to come into play in this chapter, so if sexual situations make you uncomfortable then you might want to sit this one out (or at least the beginning). Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed, favorited, or followed. Your support means an awful lot to me and encourages me to keep writing. Please review to let me know what you think. Enjoy!
As soon as I gather myself enough to move, I go to my room and close the door. I don't bother trying to undress Prim; she'll be fine sleeping in her dress for one night. I'm feeling a strange way, a way I've never felt before. I feel electrified and hazy, my skin more sensitive than it's ever been and a strange pulsing in between my thighs.
Peeta has done something to me. Seeing him like that, all dressed up and gentlemanly and good with my sister, it's only worsened my bodily reaction to him. To be quite honest, I've never felt this way before. And it's both exciting and terrifying.
I undress and change into my nightgown before climbing into bed. I turn the light off and just stare at the ceiling. It's not often that I'm not exhausted when I get into bed at the end of the day. But tonight my mind and heart are racing with all these new feelings. Why does Peeta make me feel this way? Why am I replaying an innocent hug over and over in my mind? I have no idea but it confuses me, the way I feel about him.
I must lie in bed like that for about a half hour before I become so flustered by the unsubsiding ache and my racing thoughts that I do something I've never done before. I touch myself where the pulsing is. I'm wholly unsure of what to do or where to touch but I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and push all the thoughts aside. I push aside the thoughts that this is wrong, or sinful, that I shouldn't be doing this. I've always thought it strange that people were so concerned with what people did alone at night. I figure it's fitting that I'm doing something the townspeople see as morally abhorrent, as they already see me as a pants-wearing heathen.
Though I don't agree that it's wrong, I've never done it before and am strangely nervous. I've never had these types of feelings or any desire to quell this fire inside me. I relax and move my hand, looking to discover what feels good. I find myself wet, so wet, impossibly wet and I don't know why. No one's ever even told me about what to expect from my own anatomy and like everything, I have to figure it out all by myself.
After a few minutes of touching gently, searching for something, some kind of new feeling, I find what I'm looking for. A little pinpoint of pleasure so sensitive I wonder how I haven't discovered it before. I focus on that one spot, rubbing in circles and back and forth, learning what feels good. It all feels really good.
I am immersed in a twilight zone, not fully aware and not caring. I am fully in tuned to my body, wiping everything from my mind other than the way I can make the heat spread farther and become more intense. As the minutes pass and I continue the same motions, sometimes speeding up or slowing down, I find myself getting more worked up, climbing towards something unknown that I desperately want to reach.
I can't help it, it's involuntary, the things that come to my mind. Suddenly, I see Peeta behind my clenched eyes. His luscious hair, his plump lips, his adorable expressions, his heart-stopping smiles. I don't even have the wherewithal to feel guilty for thinking about him while I pleasure myself.
The images of him morph into fantasies. It's all so natural, I don't remember trying to think of a scenario, all I remember is thinking of his hands on me. His big, soft hands on me, all over. His mouth on mine, on my neck, everywhere.
And before I know it my breathing is fast and my back is bowing off the bed, my legs shaking. Something explodes and heat radiates from the core of me, traveling down my thighs and legs and torso and arms. Peeta's name is ripped from my throat, erupting into the silence of the room.
I collapse, breathless. I have no idea what just happened but it was glorious. I feel the most calm, the most satisfied I have ever felt. I feel like some great tension has just been released from within me.
I relax. I melt into the bed. I let all worries and concerns vacate my mind. I don't let the guilt take hold. I just breathe evenly and let sleep pull me under.
The next morning I awake refreshed, despite it being 4:15 in the morning. Slowly, the previous day comes back to me. The dinner, Peeta, and what I was doing right before I fell asleep. Oh, god. It hits me now, the guilt I knew I would feel for thinking of Peeta in that way, while doing that. I groan and cover my face with my hands, remembering that I have to face him in 45 minutes. How am I going to look him in the eye when just last night I imagined those same eyes looking up at me from in between my legs?
I don't know what's gotten into me but it needs to stop. These feelings are pointless and frustrating. Despite what my body thinks, I don't want to date Peeta and he's not interested in me anyway so it's a mute point. I need to put my foolish urges aside for the sake of our friendship. For Christ's sake, he welcomes my sister and I into his home, cooks an amazing dinner for us, and I go home to think of him in a way that he would probably be horrified to find out about.
I sigh, getting up and preparing to start my day. I get dressed and head downstairs, careful to be quiet to not disturb Prim. She'll wake up on her own and get herself to school; she's always been good about that.
I forgo breakfast, as I know Peeta will probably have something waiting for me. I walk to the bakery and knock on the back door, anxious that he may somehow see my impure thoughts on my face.
"Katniss!" He greets enthusiastically, as happy as I've ever seen him. I forget my worries for a moment in the face of a grinning, delighted Peeta ushering me into the warm bakery.
This morning he's outdone himself. Spread on the worktop are thick Belgian waffles, fresh and warm. Beside them is a bottle of maple syrup and fresh roasted nuts with a sugary glaze on them. There's also my customary cup of tea and a glass of orange juice in front of my stool.
"I made breakfast," Peeta says, still delighted to see me and show me the fruits of his labor, "It's waffles and roasted nuts with maple syrup and orange juice. I hope everything's to your liking and if not I can always make you something else or do something extra to it, just let me know." He looks at me, waiting for my reaction with the same big grin on his face.
I'm staring at his lips, unable to think of anything but how I imagined them on my neck last night and how excited the thought made me. I shake myself out of it quickly because I know what will happen if I dwell on those kind of thoughts.
"It looks lovely Peeta," I say smiling at him, "You've outdone yourself. It looks amazing."
He retains his big smile and he motions towards the breakfast spread and ghosts his hand over the small of my back to guide me towards the workbench. I stiffen momentarily as a delicious shock travels at the base of my spine and settles down between my legs. I will myself to not be a hormone-crazed maniac and walk calmly over to the food.
We take our usual spots on the stools and look at each other, both of us silently delighted about last night. I start to eat my waffle and just as I thought they would be, they're the best I've ever had.
"This is incredible. Just like the food last night, it's some of the best I've ever had."
He beams at me, swallowing a bite of his own waffle. "I'm so glad you like it, Katniss. And I had a really great time last night, you and your sister were great company."
"Prim really took a liking to you"
He chuckles, remembering the enthusiasm with which my sister talked to him. "I'm glad, it was nice to see her so happy and animated."
I recall how sweet he was with her, how he treated her like his own little sister. There was a fondness present in their interactions that I had not expected.
We eat the rest of the meal in amicable silence and then start our day, each of us completing our respective tasks. When 11:00 rolls around, Peeta starts getting nervous like he did yesterday. Given how he acted yesterday I know he has something on his mind, something regarding me, and I gently prompt him to get it off his chest.
"What's going on, Peeta? Is something on your mind?"
He looks at me, all wide-eyed and anxious. He attempts a smile but it falls short, his usual jubilant spirit isn't in it. "Umm, yes actually, now that you mention it. I had a question to ask you."
"Ok, what is it?"
He pauses for a moment, just as anxious, if not more so, than he was yesterday. He can't meet my eyes, he's playing with the hem of his sweater, and his cheeks are as red as they could possibly be.
"Well, last ni- night went so well I was wondering if maybe you wanted to have dinner again this weekend? On Saturday? Of course we don't have to and if it's too soon or you don't want to or anyth—"
I interrupt his rambling, as adorable as it may be I know he's in anguish.
"That sounds great Peeta. I'll never turn down a chance to have a meal cooked by you." I punctuate with a smile, flattered that he wants to have me over again.
"Do you want Prim to come?" I ask, unsure if she was too intense for him, despite how well he handled her.
He's smiling softly now at my acceptance but still nervous, his cheeks flushed in that endearing way. "O..Of course, yes. If she wants to come, she's welcome to." He attempts a grin, it's not his usual poised smile but instead goofy and sweet.
"Thank you for inviting us Peeta, it's very nice of you and I appreciate it, along with everything else you've done for us."
He turns more serious at that, still happy but more concerned about saying the right thing.
"Katniss, I'd do anything for the two of you." He says, his blue eyes engaging me, pleasing with me to understand his sincerity.
I don't know what I was expecting him to say but it wasn't that. He says it with such conviction that I believe him, I believe he means that with all his heart. But I have no idea why.
"Why?" I ask, Peeta standing before me, nervous as before but with a new urgency and seriousness about him. It's clear that whatever's he's trying to say, he thinks it's very important that he says it correctly.
He doesn't know how to answer my question and I wonder if he even knows himself. Does he even understand why he has decided to practically provide for these two poor girls, both of them on the brink of starvation before he singlehandedly saved us?
"Because…..Because I….." He stops then, decides to say something else.
"I don't know, I just would. I care about you two." He finally says, almost with a tone of resignation. He watches me carefully as I stand there, unsure of what to say or do.
I'm confused, baffled really. I don't understand why Peeta feels that way, all I know is that he does. I know just as much about the motivation for his feelings as I do mine. Which is to say nothing at all.
He clears his throat and speaks, an awkward tension between us, "Anyway, you're free to go, Katniss, and I'll pick you up at 6:00 on Saturday if you still want to have dinner with me. If you and Prim still want to have dinner with me." His cheeks are tinted from embarrassment and he's watching me with his head downturned in a way that suggests defeat.
"Ok, thank you. And yes, that sounds good, of course we still want to go." I say and we head for the door, each of us eager to get ourselves out of this situation we've created.
"Goodbye, Katniss," He tells me as he holds the door open for me, though his tone is not happy as it usually is.
"Goodbye, Peeta," I say on my way out, confused and a little hurt at his lack of enthusiasm.
I head home then, the cryptic and confusing conversations of the day muddling my brain. I just don't know what to make of Peeta's behavior. One second he's his normal carefree, kind self and the next he's all nervous and flustered over asking my sister and I to dinner. It really doesn't make any sense at all.
I go in circles with my thoughts for hours until Prim comes home, failing to distract myself with chores or reading. Whenever there's a problem, I like to solve it quickly and efficiently. The fact that I don't have a clue as to how to solve the "problem" of what's going on is driving me mad.
While walking home with Prim, we exchange the usual pleasantries about how her day went and she tells me things about her friends or her schoolwork. I decide to ask her what she thinks about what's going on. She's very young but already better at social situations than I've ever been and I figure she'll have some idea as to why Peeta is so hot and cold all the time. Plus it's not like I have anyone else to ask.
"Prim, I have a problem." I say as I hand her the snack that I just fixed for her.
"What is it?" She asks, mildly concerned as she takes a bite of her food.
"It's about Peeta," I say, Prim listening intently. "As you know, he was very sweet and nice and friendly last night, although a bit nervous. Well today, he was all friendly and happy in the morning when we had breakfast together but then he got very nervous in the late morning. Right as I was about to leave he got all flustered and said he had to ask me a question. He asked us to dinner again on Saturday. And of course I said yes. But then I said thank you and he said that he would do anything for the two of us, just kind of out of the blue. And I asked him why and he was quiet for a second, thinking about what he was going to say. And then he started to say something but he stopped and said he didn't know. And then acted all peculiar and defeated until I left."
I don't realize until I'm done speaking that that was probably a bit much to unload on my little sister. But she sits serenely in her chair, a slow smile spreading on her face.
"What are you smiling about?" I ask, starting to get annoyed that she's taking pleasure in my anguish.
"Katniss, you are so oblivious," she says, a smug expression on her face.
"Prim! Don't say that to me, what are you talking about?"
"It's very obvious, Katniss. Peeta's acting that way because he has a crush on you and you make him nervous and he doesn't know how to handle it."
I scoff, "Please, Prim. This isn't a fairytale. Peeta does not have a crush on me."
She looks at me incredulously, like I'm a raging idiot. "He absolutely does! A really big, painful, obvious crush. And if you opened your eyes a little bit you would see it too." She tells me all this in her tiny little girl voice, making the reality of the situation hit home. My kid sister is sitting here telling me that Peeta Mellark has a big crush on me and I'm just too clueless to see it.
I don't know what to say. She's wrong, obviously. I don't know where she even got such an idea. It's ludicrous, the idea that someone as handsome and kind and successful as him would be interested in me. It's preposterous really, maybe even insulting to Peeta.
"He doesn't like me, Prim." I'm downright defiant at this point, pissed off that she would even suggest that. Logically, I know that I asked for her opinion but I'm still thoroughly annoyed.
"Ok," she says, the smug smile returning to her face because of how bothered I am at the suggestion. She waits a moment, chewing on her snack while I'm silently sulking and looks back up at me, amusement in her eyes.
"He does though," she says quietly, dead set on frustrating me further.
"Prim!" I get up as she's laughing at my expense, not willing to take any more gentle ridicule. I storm up to my room and close the door more loudly than is necessary. I realize I'm being a moody teenager and I don't even care.
I throw myself face down on my bed and groan, wholly unprepared to deal with whatever's going on. I've never been good at dealing with people other than Prim and I don't even know how to deal with her right now.
I go to sleep at some point and nap for a few hours. Prim comes in at dinnertime to tell me she's hungry and see if I've settled down. I have, and I apologize for getting frustrated with her.
"It's ok, Katniss, I would be frustrated too if I was in your situation." She seems sincere and I hug her, touched by her display of empathy.
"Thank you, Prim. You're a really great little sister."
"Oh! Katniss," She says, pulling back to look at my face "I forgot to tell you. I was going to have a sleepover with Mary on Saturday night. Her mom was going to pick me up at 5 and I was going to have dinner at her house. Is that ok?"
Great. Prim isn't going to be at the dinner with Peeta and I. I know that it's going to be infinitely more awkward in her absence. Still, I am not going to deprive my sister of something she's looking forward to because of my social ineptitude.
"Of course, Little Duck," I say while running my fingers through her soft, blonde hair. "If you want to have a sleepover with Mary then you are welcome to." I smile weakly, putting my sister ahead of my silly little problems.
"Thanks, Katniss. I can still help you get ready though."
"I think I'll take you up on that offer," I tell her, getting up to go make dinner.
"You could wear a potato sack and Peeta would still think you're super pretty though. But it doesn't hurt to wear your hair down once in a while."
"Ok, Prim," I deadpan, unwilling to engage with her about Peeta's supposed crush on me. It's clear that she's going to think what she's going to think and that's the end of it.
I make dinner and we eat in relative peace, Prim dropping the subject of Peeta, for now at least. I put her to bed sometime later and retreat to my own room, eager to go to sleep so I don't have to keep thinking the same frustrating thoughts.
I'm both looking forward to and anxious about Saturday. Hopefully Peeta will stop acting so weird. And if he doesn't then I'm going to get to the bottom of his strange behavior once and for all.
I close my eyes and empty my mind. I become heavy and drift into a fitful sleep, unsure of what the weekend will bring.