Chapter 8: Hope Blooms Eternal
Even though Ayiana was incredibly happy to be out of the way of a million angry Fallen and Vex trying to kill her when Variks arrived at the Reef a few hours later, she still had a hard time summoning the strength to stand on the dingy floor of the Fallen ship she'd been evacuated from Mercury in. Meanwhile, her friend Tikva was grinning wildly at the sight and suppressing giggles. How in the world could the lithe Hunter possess so much energy? She'd read hundreds of tomes about everything from the darkest cosmos to the deepest oceans, and lately knew, yet the human who had been her friend for so many weeks remained a mystery.
"Welcome to the Vestian Outpost, Guardians," Variks proclaimed. The other Fallen Dreg that was with them- Ayiana had briefly heard the name "Kolee" mentioned- seemed a little annoyed that Variks didn't address him. She paid that no mind at all, though, as she tentatively stepped out into the bustling port.
Tikva, as per usual, found a dead Servitor's eye and used it as a soccer ball with several of the other Guardians, both from the group that had been on Mercury and from other Fireteams that were likely passing through on the way to the Prison of Elders or some other mission or bounty. Ayiana, not wanting to seem rude by declining directly, truthfully said that she was feeling a little light headed and would rejoin them after getting some fresh air.
Even though this was the Queen's headquarters, this part of the Reef was a lot smaller than Ayiana expected. It was also a lot messier. The Disciples of Osiris held court surrounded by candles- next to flammable objects! The Cryptarch and Variks (along with his friend) stood side by side, chatting loudly over each other to either attract the attention of passing Guardians or engage them in trade once they were reeled in. Xur seemed to be watching from the shadows somewhere (that man always sent a chill up her spine whenever he appeared in the Tower!) And there were lots of boxes covered in tarps, muddy footprints, layers and layers of dust, and the walls were rusty. The aftermath of a tornado would be the kindest word to describe it.
For Ayiana, this was supposed to be home. After all, every Awoken could trace their ancestry back to here. Theirs was a dwelling seeped in death, built as it was from the bones of countless thousands of ships destroyed when they attempted to flee the Collapse, and straddling the line between Light and Darkness that every Awoken walked all their lives. But as decayed and cold as it was, it was the beating heart of her people. Ayiana had not really considered what it meant to be a part of her race, but something about this place felt more alive to her than anything. Was it just her?
Before she could really dwell on this, however, something caught her eye. It was a telescope- battered by age, nowhere near as sophisticated as the ones in the Tower, and with a flat rock propping up one of its legs- but it was still a telescope. She'd recalled how Calore laughed to himself when she'd run up to and used the telescope in the Tower almost the minute she'd set foot in the Tower for the first time so many years ago, and this was no different.
"Excuse me, ma'am?" she asked an Awoken woman, who appeared to be clad in purple robes and was polishing the telescope as best she could. "Is this a pre-Collapse device?" She couldn't tell whether it belonged to the Golden Age or the time before the Traveler's arrival.
"Yes," the woman muttered without turning around.
"Is this available for public viewing? I've never seen a device like this in such pristine condition."
"You may peer through it for one half hour. Goodbye," the other Awoken woman said as stiffly as possible. She only briefly met Ayiana's gaze, then she moved away with the impossibly graceful yet also extremely tightly wound and purposeful gait that Ayiana had observed in them ever since she'd arrived.
Ayiana nodded in the same rigid manner, then carefully removed the dust cap and put her eye to the eyepiece. Even as her breath was taken away by the forlorn curtains of violet light that draped everything, as well as the god rays from what little of the Sun's direct light managed to peek through, however, she was unable to be immersed by astronomy and instead sunk into her own thoughts.
Intellectually, she knew the reason that the other Awoken would treat her with hostility. No one knew where the Earthborn Awoken Guardians fit into the timeline of the Collapse where all Guardians' previous lives were thought to emerge from.
Did they turn tail and flee back towards Earth to save themselves instead of trying to help their brothers and sisters?
Did they abandon the Reef in its early years, when people were clinging to the edge of death? Perhaps they had no stomach for hardship, no loyalty to anyone save themselves.
Or perhaps they didn't flee at all, and the state of being Awoken wasn't a singular geographical event that happened to a particularly chosen race of people, but was instead a higher state of being open to ANYONE. Even the filthy humans.
She'd read many of the hot debates that the Tower scholars had about this peculiar in between group and its ultimate role. For her part, in the past she'd wondered for many sleepless nights what her previous self had been like. She had no memory before she and Dakar had been resurrected, other than the reasonably educated guess that they'd been brother and sister.
She wondered if Tikva had ever thought of her past life. Did she have a husband or wife who loved her? Had she been an artist, scientist, President of the United States? Underneath that effortlessly kind smile and all the optimism and compassion she showed even in the face of Darkness itself, was the newborn worried, as Ayiana was, that she would never find out any of this? That she would never truly know herself, and thereby belong?
Ayiana had seen her wracked with sadness, of course, but not by that issue in particular. Tikva had never once been stared at like a freakish animal by the fellow members of her race. She assumed anyway. Ayiana corrected herself- species. Humans had long ago ceased to care about what they'd called "race," which in reality meant skin color.
By the Traveler. Thinking of Tikva's color meant her mind drifted to the image of her green eyes, calm and warm like the tidal pools of Old Russia she'd sometimes stare at when she needed to escape.
That train of thought abruptly came to a stop when a giant eye invaded her telescope's lens, causing her to gasp.
"That's never been funny, Dakar!" Ayiana cried before turning around and slapping him lightly upside the head.
"I take that to mean that you're not light headed any more, sis," Dakar laughed, rubbing his neck and then saying, "Please, sit down."
Ayiana sighed and then sat next to him on one of those dusty boxes.
"What's up?" he asked.
"Not much."
"Ayiana, I may just be your brother, but I wasn't born yesterday," Dakar grinned and rubbed Ayiana's shoulders. "What's wrong?"
"I wish I could tell you that it was just that I was upset that we lost a Guardian today, or just that I nearly lost everyone I care about."
"And I'd probably believe you. But?"
"But...I just need time to think, that's all," Ayiana blushed.
"You've got it."
It was frustrating for Dakar to feel like he couldn't understand what his best friend in the entire universe was going through. Sure, he could detect in her an emotion she'd been through a few times before. Even though he didn't dare embarrass her by bringing it up. But there was something else...something far more melancholy. Something that made him pause.
And then something hard, round, and metallic whacked him in the back, knocking the wind out of him and causing him to face plant on the ground.
"Sorry," Sarti muttered nervously. "That was a bad throw in."
"Yep," Dakar groaned, his words muffled by dust that he was spitting out. "I can see that."
"You break my brother, you buy him," Ayiana smirked.
Tikva offered to help him up and then asked, "Can you walk alright?"
The Awoken Hunter grimaced, rubbed the base of his spine, and then stretched out his legs and said, "Yeah, yeah, I'll live. That Servitor eye didn't hit me quite as hard. Although maybe you guys can play with something smaller next time."
"Will do," Tikva apologized, and then Ayiana went off to get some herbal remedies for him.
Once Dakar had been given something for the pain, it quickly became very dark out, even for the Reef. That combined with the fact that all the Guardians had been exhausted from a long day of fighting meant that they all decided to turn in for the night at the temporary sleeping quarters provided by the Queen, with a standing invitation to have lunch
"Guardian, your heart rate is rather elevated right now. You do not seem to have any physical ailments. Tell me, what troubles you?"
"I just had a nightmare, that's all," Tikva said truthfully. It was also a deflection, though.
Getting the message, the dejected robot left the Guardian to her pesky emotions.
Tikva realized that her palms had gripped the sheets tight in her sleep and that those spots were covered in sweat. She could barely remember anything that happened in her dream, exactly, but she did know the fear that she went through the entire time. The fear that had been slowly been coming in in dribs and drabs and now flooded in after the narrow escape from the Burning Shrine.
That one day soon, every little bit of friendship, acceptance, and strength that she'd worked hard to build up would be gone. She'd quickly grown from a shy girl who was missed by nobody when she fell off the Tower and was consigned to the bottom of the Crucible to a capable Hunter who would be missed by SOME body if she fell off the Tower. And was still consigned to the bottom of the Crucible, but that was beside the point.
But all of that could easily be consumed by the ravenous Darkness with a few bullets or blasts or rockets, and then all of those people Tikva had promised to fight to the death to protect would dissolve away into screams in the Void just like had probably happened to Brian today, with her last thought before she did the same thing being how she had failed them all.
Forever.
She would also never get to say the words that would ever properly describe a deeper, warmer, more comforting feeling, one that had been with her for some time now. If only her brain could actully work.
Tikva squeezed her palms into her closed eyelids. This had recently become a kind of reset button for her, a way for her to push back against the white noise that sometimes drifted into and threatened to take over her thoughts. She envied Calore for not needing to sleep as she clawed for anything positive that she could find to help lull her to a good sleep.
She seemed to have a reputation among her Fireteam for being the happy one, the one who would never be fazed. Lately, though, that her smile was a house of cards constantly being threatened by the slightest breeze, her heart a battered warrior wincing while covering up its wounds.
What she didn't dare say was that she now laughed only so that she didn't cry.
Especially in front of her, Tikva thought to herself. It's not that Ayiana wouldn't help her, but Tikva wondered how much of the world Ayiana had had to carry. The Hunter had only part of this crazy enterprise for a few months and she was feeling torn apart every night- even the ones where there weren't any enemies to fight. She couldn't imagine going at this for years on end.
Ayiana had been so kind to her when she was distraught and lying in the gutter back at the Tower, but between fighting back the Darkness and trying not to let whatever had frightened her at The Wish Dragon drive her insane, what kind of friend could she possibly be to Ayiana if she unloaded all her problems on the Awoken too?
She'd seen Ayiana be uncomfortable around her fellow Awoken, when Tikva had secretly hoped that Ayiana returning to the home of her race would be a source of peace and serenity for her. It's not that Tikva didn't feel a connection to her fellow humans, but it was so commonplace as to be mundane. The background radiation of her life, as it were.
In other words, Tikva had no experience from which to give her advice, and so any help she could give would be an empty gesture on her part, at best. What's more, if she couldn't come to grips with her own turmoil, how could she be expected to give any solace to anyone else? And yet she wanted to wrap her arms around her Awoken friend, more than anything, and promise her again that she would always be there, not just in the next life, but this one.
She attempted to turn her mind away from her friend as her face heated up, but now she dwelled on the fact that today, she met Fallen who were actually good people. Ones who were willing to save her life! She didn't harbor any animosity to the race as a whole, but she'd never given them much thought either.
Like her other problems, she didn't want anyone to know about them if she could help it, but she didn't know how to resolve the fact that they existed with her mission to kill too many of them to count. She'd even admired the artwork of the Dreg who was making doodles with his fingers on the caked dust and grease on the inside of the Fallen ship. He had a good appreciation for the physical dimensions and lighting of the scene he drew of the Moon half bathed in light and half in darkness, which considering the crude material he worked with turned out very well.
In that moment, she wondered if they weren't killing a lot of innocent Fallen in their quest to protect the Last City from the Darkness- throwing out the baby with the bathwater, so the phrase she'd heard went. And did the Fallen themselves, even the most evil of them, wrestle with this same question, or did they see the humans as just another enemy, as she had before on several missions? Her young mind began to overthink the question and started to hurt. She wondered what Ayiana might say if she did ask that question.
Probably something with a lot of large words, perhaps a quote from a book she'd read. Tikva laughed as she thought about her Awoken friend furrowing her brow trying to get to the bottom of the conundrum Tikva would hypothetically be posing in the future, then coming up with something to say with a smile, a plan that would allow them to navigate any moral dilemma that they faced along their journey as Guardians.
There it was.
Something positive.
Something beautiful.
All from someone who had eyes full of wisdom both hard earned on the battlefield and long studied, a gentle blue face that comforted Tikva when it reminded her of the sky just above the Tower, purple hair that she was sure was as radiant as the light saturating every inch of the Reef, and that she had enjoyed seeing next to her face when the two of them held each other in the shower. That light would seem bizarre to anyone only used to Earth and its blues and greens, but Tikva reveled in the discovery of something new, mysterious, and exciting.
Tikva breathed a sigh of relief as she closed her eyes, calming her fluttering heart while focusing on an image of Ayiana's face mixed in with the Reef's light, mixed in with the warm and unique light. Finally, she might get some sleep.
Dakar woke up in the middle of the night, suddenly sensing that the room was a little bit emptier than before. He turned to his right as he rubbed his eyes open and then saw that the second bed, where Ayiana had been sleeping, was unoccupied. He grinned knowingly and then went back to sleep.
"Who is it?" Tikva mumbled at the same moment, when a light knocking at the door roused her before she had a chance to fully sink into sleep.
"Would you like me to find out for you?" her Ghost wondered.
Tikva let out a muffled affirmation into her pillow.
"Hey, Tikva? It's me, Ayiana. Can I come in?"
Tikva muttered a "Sure" as her Ghost disappeared to give the two of them some time alone.
"Whoa, it's cold in here!"
"Really? I hadn't realized that," Tikva said. She figured that was because of her blankets, then asked, "Want to come under the covers?"
Ayiana nodded her thanks and then quickly dived in. The Hunter, however, gasped out, "Coldhandscoldhandscoldhaaaands!" when Ayiana accidentally brushed her hands against Tikva's knees.
"Oops, sorry."
"No, that's alright. Here, let me warm them up for you."
Tikva then pulled up the covers, placed them on Ayiana's hands, and rubbed the blankets over her hands.
"Wow, these really are warm," Ayiana smiled up at her human friend as all different sorts of warmth flooded her body.
The Awoken woman then gently laid her hands on Tikva's pale, slender shoulders just at the nape of her neck. "Better?"
Tikva's throat almost closed up when that happened for reasons that were mystifying to her. "Yeah, much."
"You awake, Tickie?" Ayiana wondered after attempting to sleep for several minutes.
"Yep. What's up?"
"Well, it's just...how do I put this...I've had a lot on my mind lately."
"I'm with you there, Ay. What are you thinking about?"
"Just, um, stuff, I guess."
"If it's just stuff that's keeping you up right now, then maybe we can try to get some sleep and we can talk about this in morning."
Tikva then hugged Ayiana close to herself to soothe the other woman. Even though Ayiana might need more time to tell Tikva what she was thinking, and even if she did Tikva would probably not know what to say, she would not let Ayiana go to sleep afraid and screaming internally the way that Tikva had been for the past few weeks.
Ayiana froze at the sudden contact. Her lungs deflated all at once, she felt every goosebump on her skin rise even though she was the warmest she'd ever been in months, and her lips, mouth, and tongue became dry and cottony, but at least she wasn't shaking from either cold or fear.
The Awoken unconsciously closed her eyes, her right hand drifting into her dearest friend's hair that smelled like the dew on uncut Tower grass while her left drifted down Tikva's back.
"Ay," Tikva bit her lip and squeaked as one slender finger traced up and down her spine.
At that moment, Ayiana realized that to not say what she felt would be dragging herself, and possibly Tikva, through an emotional rollercoaster for no reason. She'd already driven herself nearly to the brink of madness thinking about this moment. She got herself this far, the Warlock reasoned, and now she had to take the plunge.
"It's about you."
"What do you mean, about me? Did I do something wrong?"
"No, no, my dear Tickie, it's not that." Something about the way she said that made Tikva's limbs turn into jelly.
"Then what is it?"
"Remember how I promised that I would find a way to rescue you from I the Void, and failing that, even if we were both consumed by the Darkness, I would still be there for you?"
"Yes. And I promised the same thing. You're my friend, and I would do anything for you. That's what friends are for, right?"
"Thanks, um..." Ayiana muttered. "Anyway, so, when you screamed, back there-"
"Sorry about that."
"Please, just let me finish," Ayiana said while putting a thumb to Tikva's lips, which she noticed were trembling a little bit while the Hunter closed her eyes again and nodded.
"I, I know that losing Brian hurt me, as much as it hurt you. And if I lost Calore or Dakar, I would never forgive myself. I will go to hell and back for you, because you're right, that's what friends are for, but I don't ever want to have to do that. You're too sweet, kind, brave, selfless, soft- too, in any and every sense of the word, precious to me to die. If I lost you to the Darkness, even if I survived, I would go on fighting the Darkness, but a part of me would always be cold and numb."
It was clear that all the thoughts Ayiana had been preparing in her head were having trouble coming out through her tears and quivering. Tikva wiped them away with a gentle smile even though she was puzzled about what Ayiana meant by all this.
The Awoken woman's stomach flipped at this gesture. "Let me start again. Today, after we arrived on the Reef..." Tikva nodded, and she continued, "Even though I was safe, thanks in part to you, I was drained. Combine that with the way the other Awoken looked at me and it was very lonely. Does that make any sense?"
Tikva nodded, a little bit more slowly this time. She pressed her forehead against Ayiana's.
"Then I saw your smiling face in my dreams, bouncing on an Intergalactic Death Ball on your head, grinning like a person possessed. I imagined you hugging me after winning a game, then lying on the grass outside the Tower at night counting the passing ships, after on the Moon looking up at the stars after going on that trip together that I promised you. My arms were holding you closely, you were breathing softly in my ear, your laugh and the light in your eyes was more intoxicating than any spirit blooms, and I realized that I'll never feel alone ever again as long as you're with me, like this. So I, um, had to see you, do that for real, and tell you how much you mean to me."
Ayiana stroked her hair, causing the human to press her face gently into Ayiana's hand. Without even really realizing it, Ayiana saw that she had gently maneuvered herself on top of Tikva and was resting her head on Tikva's collarbone, the other hand now at the small of her back and pushing them together as close as possible.
Through her rattling breath and tremorous heart, Tikva lightly clasped Ayiana's back to steady herself and whispered into her friend's ear, "Ayiana, you really are, no exaggeration, the most wonderful person I'll ever meet. No matter how hard it gets, I'll thank the Traveler every day I'm alive, because it's another day that I'm strengthened by your kindness, captivated by your beauty, and blessed to be your friend."
Ayiana smiled. Tikva had been so much better than her with fewer words that it pleasantly surprised the scholarly Warlock.
But for what she wanted to say next, words would fail her anyway. Instead, she touched her nose to Tikva's, then tried to close the distance only to accidentally knock their foreheads together. This caused the Hunter to giggle uncontrollably, which made Ayiana laugh as well.
Ayiana finally composed herself enough to firmly but gently seize Tikva's head in her hands and kiss her.
Tikva's eyes opened suddenly, her vision glazing while all she could hear was the sound of both their heartbeats and breathing mingling together. Her hands gripped Ayiana's shirt harder than she ever thought possible, pulling the other woman towards her with every ounce of her strength as her hurried exhalations were stolen by Ayiana's hungry mouth and tongue.
Tikva then whined "Ayyy" when Ayiana cut off the source of the lightning coursing throughout her entire body all too soon.
"Was that...weird for you? I don't want anything to be weird between us."
"That was about as far from weird as the City is from here," Tikva laughed and stammered at the same time. Then, just to make her point, she threaded her hands through her friend's longer hair with her right hand, propped herself up on her left elbow, and experimentally pecked at the edges of her lips again.
"So, I, I was wondering, um-" the Warlock began to say after a few minutes of kissing.
Ayiana's cheek seemed a hundred times hotter to the gentle caress of Tikva's hand than her own skin felt whenever she pulled out the Golden Gun.
"Go ahead."
"You're are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on."
Now it was Tikva's turn to blush.
"Th-thank you. So are you."
"And I- I want to be next to you like we were in the shower, before all this madness. That's because, looking at you, here and now...I want to be with you as a lover, not just a friend. My sweet Tikva, my heart belongs to you, and longs to make you feel as wonderful as I do whenever I look at you."
"I- I think I know what you're saying," Tikva panted through her dry throat. She'd had her suspicions about the noises her next door neighbors were making. "And I want that too."
Ayiana wrapped her arms around Tikva again and fulfilled her request. For that one night, every fear, every enemy waiting to fight them, all the grief and anguish and darkness within them both melted away.