I first want to apologize to everyone for not updating in such a long time... I had many things going on in my personal life and was in the hospital for a time... But I am back and I will work on this story and try to update when I can. 3
Second, please give me some ideas. What is something you want to see, any questions?, any ideas at all? Any thoughts or inspirations or songs? I would really appreciate it.
I hope you are enjoying my story.
"Nico, Have you decided on what physical education class you want to take?"
I glance up at Jason and quickly look down, ashamed.
Focus! Don't look at his face. Don't get distracted. Stop being so immature! He asked you a question. I didn't... I never looked up the other classes... I'm so stupid. He's either going to keep me in this class with all the other boys or I'll be put in another class. I keep doing this to myself...
I silently shake my head ad analyze my boots.
He sighs, " I thought you might not have. It's alright. I placed you in swim. Is that a better class?"
Swim... a class of guys swimming... Yes, that is the perfect class. Jason you are incredibly smart.
"Nico?"
I don't respond. I don't move.
If I take that class then what if somebody finds out? What will I do... I can't say no. If I say no, he could know. He could assume. Jason isn't stupid. He's going to know. He can't know. No one can know. I need to try. I'll learn to control myself. This is a test. That's what it is. A test to see if I can control myself. I need to do this. I can't say no.
"Is that a no?"
"Sure," I mumble.
"What did you say," he asks me.
Speak louder dumb ass.
"I'll take the class."
Jason marks something down on his clip board. I ignore all the guys jogging around the gym as a warm up. I ignore my raging thoughts. I ignore how strong my urge is to look at him instead of my shoes. I must try to contain myself, control myself.
"Alright. You'll probably get a new schedule in your first class tomorrow. For the rest of class you can either participate with us or or sit on the bleachers."
I nod and slowly make my way over to the bleachers. I can feel his eyes following me.
Why do I always have to do this. Why can't I just control myself. I will learn to fix this. I will fix myself. I will be better.
I take my pocket sketch book out of my inside jacket pocket. I left my books in the boy's locker room the doors wont be unlocked again until class is over.
Opening to the next clean page, I begin to sketch. I draw light base lines. Then I give it shape. Just simple sketching. Next comes the darker lines and mild detail, making the image clearer. I continue to draw, becoming lost in my thoughts and the picture. The rest of the world around me becomes a blur. I become oblivious to the world around me. The only thing important in this moment is my drawing.
It feels like no time has passed when I notice the the boys heading into the locker room. I close my sketch book and slip it into my pocket then jump down to the floor. I try to stop myself from glancing at Jason, talking to our gym teacher. In such a quick glance our eyes lock and I feel my face heat up.
No, no, no, No, No, NO, NO! WHY CAN'T I KEEP CONTROL! STOP LOOKING! STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT! STOP FEELING THAT! I'M SO DISGUSTING! IT'S REPULSIVE! Oh... no...
I freeze the moment I walk into the locker room. I had forgotten to wait. The last classes I've had I've waited until everyone is in the gym before I go into the locker room and change and then I had stalled until I was sure everyone was finished changing. But as I see everything in front of me, I realize I had forgotten to do that.
They're everywhere. Only a few of them are fully clothed. I see all their chests, able to compare. I see their muscles. I see more...
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! MOVE! STOP STARING! THEY'LL NOTICE! WALK!
My head snaps down and I shuffle forwards. I refuse to look at anything but the floor in front of me. I ignore the sights out of the corner of my eye. I continue to walk through the room, past all the guys changing.
If I were normal this wouldn't happen. If I were normal I wouldn't feel this way. If I were normal I could belong.
SMACK
"Hey!"
I back up slowly, trying to focus again. The moment I look up, I know my face has gone red and I regret it. I recognize his face from some of the times I saw him walking with Luke. I was not prepared to notice the rest of him. Tall, muscular, muscles. Wearing only briefs that I could not help but notice more than I should have.
I froze.
"Watch where you are going next time," he snapped at me.
no.. no no no no... Stop... Snap out of it... You're disgusting. Look away. Move. do something!
"Do you have a problem faggot," he growled at me.
He... he did not... he did not... does he.. does he know?.. no... he cant... no.. please... no... what is WRONG WITH ME?! Control yourself. Control yourself. Control yourself. I CAN'T!
I feel stares on me as the room seems to go silent. I stare at my feet, disgusted, ashamed, and shocked.
"What the hell are you still standing there for, move it," he orders me and slams me into a locker then walks by.
Everyone is quiet. They're waiting for me to snap, to do something, to freak out... I rush out of the locker room as fast as I can, avoiding everyone I can.
Mr. Harris does not bother me today in Algebra. I silently draw in my sketch book, trying to ignore the thoughts screaming inside me.
YOU'RE DISGUSTING! YOU COULDN'T SIMPLY WALK AROUND HIM! YOU HAD TO FREEZE IN SHOCK! YOU HAD TO STARE FOR A MOMENT! YOU HAD TO FUCK UP AND GET EVERYONE'S ATTENTION! SOMEONE WILL FIND OUT! YOU HAD TO MAKE THINGS WORSE! CAN YOU EVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT! HE'S JUST A BOY, THAT IS IT! YOU'RE A BOY! YOU SHOULDN'T THINK OR FEELS THESE THINGS! WHY DID YOU DO THAT! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DISGUSTING! YOU'RE A FREAK! A FREAK IN MORE WAYS THAN ANYONE CAN COUNT! YOU'RE A FAGGOT!
"Nico... Please come to lunch?"
Hazel and I stand in the hallway outside the busy lunch room.
"And sit with you and your witchy friends?"
I say it quietly. I don't want to hurt her... not again...
Hazel frowns. She knows what I'm truly worried about.
"They won't cast any magic on you Nico. Rodrick feels horrible about it and Lou hasn't been in school since that day. I promise it wont happen again."
I look at her face. She seems almost desperate. An image of her face flashes in my mind, her face crumbling in hurt, because of my words.
"Okay..."
We walk into the cafeteria together and she leads the way to the farther back table where a group of goth, emo, punk, and scene students sit. I see Rodrick look up with curiosity in his eyes, then a small amount of fear. We walk past Clarisse's table with some other girls and they whisper something then laugh as we walk by. Hazel keeps walking, her head held high and confidently. I know she's not truly feeling that confident, but she wont let them see her weaknesses. As we walk by a table of joking boys, I make SURE I keep my eyes forward, following Hazel, counting each curl that bounces.
Don't look. Don't look. Do. Not. Look. ... one... two... three... three?... no... four... I can feel them... Four sets of eyes following me. They're looking at me... no, no, no, no... Just ignore me... Let me fade into the background... I'm not important... stop watching me... you're making this harder...
"Hi Hazel. H-hi Nico."
I sit down next to Hazel and across from Rodrick. He's nervous about me being here, but doesn't want to be rude. I can tell. He wants to pretend everything is normal. But things will never be normal, at least not for me...
"How's geometry Rodrick?"
Hazel inquires, trying to make conversation. They then get into a very detailed conversation about algebra and geometry, soon leading to the differences between freshman year and sophomore year.
Please... something... something good happen to me today... please...
I don't expect a response. I have never prayed before either... Taking the i-pod Leo gave me, I put my ear buds in. Music blasts into my ears. The voices around me are drowned out, the noise and the gossip and the whispers, the laughs. It is all drowned out. I take my sketch book out and begin a new drawing. The faces around me become blurs, the time becomes nothing, I am safe in my own world. I know what to expect. I am alone. But that is okay. No one can hurt me in this world.
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you'll understand
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Someone places their hand on my shoulder, I rip my earphones out and swerve to them.
"What?!"
"It's... lunch is... over Nico."
Hazel's eye hold fear, her whole body tense. Rodrick stands behind her. The cafeteria is almost completely empty, only a few people here and there lingering.
"..."
I get up and begin to follow Hazel and Rodrick out of the room, stuffing my sketch book and earphones into my pocket.
"Oops."
SMACK!
My face collides with another thing today, this time the floor.
"You really need to learn to watch where you walk faggot," the same guy from in the locker room comments to me as he walks out. Hazel tries to help me up but I gently push her away.
"I'm Fine..." I mumble, getting up on my own. I don't say that he tripped me, I don't say who he is to me, I don't say a thing besides that. Hazel and Rodrick watch me nervously as we continue to walk out.
"Hey! Wait!"
Damn it... what the fuck else...
Someone jogs up to us. "Hey, you okay Nico?"
My eyes widen. I know that voice. It's Percy.
I don't respond. Hazel glances at me but I look at the floor.
"He's... He'll be alright..." She replies politely, but hesitantly.
"Are you sure? Don't let them get to you Nico. Ignore what they say. You're not a faggot."
He's... He's comforting me?... He cares?...
The feeling is new. I don't know how to respond. I slowly turn around and shyly look at him. His smile is sincere concern, caring, and worry. His body language says he wants to hug me, but I can't do that... He doesn't try to, which I am grateful for.
"You're not the only one they've toyed with. Honestly, I think they are just jealous. They're probably gay themselves, but are too cowardly to admit it. So they try to cover it up by targeting others," Percy says with a grin.
Does... does he know? no... no he can't know... no... Hes just... Joking... Being friendly... nice... Trying to help me... trying to.. help me?.. but why... he has sympathy for me... does... does he think I'm gay? or... or was he just... he had to be joking.. that's it...
I nod.
"Well, I've got to get to class. I'll catch ya later Nico. See ya guys," Percy's grin is sincere as he nods to us and walks out of the cafeteria. Hazel and Rodrick stare at me. I try to ignore there confused and stunned stares and walk out for class.
"You've got some awesome bands. Thousand Foot Cruntch, Flyleaf, Evenecense, Disturbed. Sweet," Leo commented while going through my artists. I had not had the chance to download all the songs I wanted yet, only a few. It felt strange but nice that Leo appreciated the music I listened to.
Business class went by relatively quick, most of it with Leo talking to me about different bands and me shaking or nodding my head if I liked them and listened to them. I tried not to think about what had happened earlier today, with Luke's friend and with Percy. Both of those events kept trying to grab hold of me, and no matter how many times I ignored them or pushed them away, they always came back. I couldn't stop feeling embarrassed and humiliated by my (once again) fuck up, I couldn't stop panicking about if Percy knew that I was... or if he was just joking around and being nice. Then I was curious about why he had treated me that way, and how was I supposed to respond? What if he tried to joke with me and be nice to me again. Should I smile?
"Dude, you okay? You look like you're going to vomit."
I looked down at the papers I was supposed to be reading and highlighting so Leo wouldn't see my (another) failure trying to smile. If Leo thought my smile looked like I was going to vomit, then Percy would...
Stop. Stop it. Don't even worry about what Percy would think of your smile. Don't wonder about what he would think of your face, of you. He wouldn't think of you. He doesn't think of you. Stop it. You're only going to screw something up against and humiliate yourself and hate yourself more. Stop it. Control yourself!
You can't deny who you are though... that's part of you... you can't deny what you feel... or what you think...you know that deep down... you are who you are, what you are... and no matter how hard you try you can't change it...
NO! I am not! I will change! I will be better! I will stop fucking up! I will stop being disgusting! I will stop it! I will get control of myself! I will not be what I am! I will change!
But you are who you are... you're... gay...
The battle inside myself raged like fire and darkness. One screaming and painful and loud, the other quiet, subtle, and still painful. Pain either way. I couldn't think. I couldn't calm down. I felt myself becoming more and more agitated. I knew I would begin to change soon... I had to leave.
Shoving my books and papers into my bag, I got up and walked out. I ignored Mrs. Taylor's protests and questions, if she wanted to live and wanted everyone else in that room to live, she would stay in her classroom.
I rushed down the hall, down the stairs, barely thinking about where I was going. All I could see was the hallways. All I could hear was the inner screaming. All I could think was the inner battle. Everything raging chaos that I had to get control of or-
"Hey! Nico! What are you doing?"
No. no no no no. Could this get any worse.
I slowly turned around to see Percy rushing up the hall towards me, a friendly grin on his face. He caught up to me, panting a little.
"Hey, how are you?"
I didn't say anything. I didn't look up. Although we we're both silent for a moment -him waiting for an answer he would never get to from that question, and me not knowing how to respond- it was not awkward. It was just silence.
"So..." Percy chimed in after a few moments, " Jason told me that you're having your gym class switched. To swim, right? I lead some of the swim classes. I'm a certified life guard, so the school allows me to be lead and supervise the swim classes when I have a study hall. Maybe I'll be able to lead your swim class. That would be cool, huh?"
Percy... swim... life guard... swim shorts... me... swimming... swim shorts... other guys... swim... Percy... speedos... swim... half naked... everyone... swim... why am I so stupid... wait... he's trying to be nice! he's waiting for me to say something! try to be nice! say something! respond!
"uhm... yeah..."
Stupid.
But that seems enough. "Yeah, so where are you going anyways? School isn't over for another thirty minutes."
"I was... leaving early..." I mumble.
"Mind if I walk you out," he questions, his voice light.
I shake my head. Although I have no idea what to say or what to do. Percy continues to smile friendly and begins to walk down the hall with me.
"Have you ever taken any swim classes before?"
I nod my head. He can't know anything more. I have to be normal.
"What's your best stroke?"
SHIT!
I shrug.
"That's okay. So far all we've done in the classes is learn the different strokes and do laps. If you enjoy swimming and are good at it, I'll put you on the swim team!"
No.. oh no... stop.. stop being nice... stop trying... go away... you're making this all so much worse... just go.. leave me alone... why don't you just leave me alone.
"No? Not a good idea?"
I hadn't realized I was slightly shaking my head, but he noticed such a small movement makes me nervous. The fact that he is paying attention to me, focusing on me so much, that he noticed something that insignificant... I blush.
Percy chuckles as we near the front doors of the school, "Ha, that's alright. Don't worry about it. It was just an idea."
I nod and stand by the doors, not sure of what to do now.
Do I say goodbye? Do I smile? Do I shake his hand? Do I hug him? NO! DON'T HUG HIM! Then what do I do? He's waiting!
"Uh... thanks..." I say as I slowly lift my arm up and hold my hand out. Percy stares for a moment then seems to hide laughter. He takes my hand and shakes it.
"No problem. Be safe walking home."
I nod again and walk out the doors, I hear his laugh through the glass doors once I am outside.
He's laughing at you. You're so stupid. Shaking his hand?! What the hell was that supposed to do. You keep fucking up. You can't be normal. Even when you try. You're a freak, and you're always going to be a freak.
I walk into the woods and wait for Hazel.