Chapter 4 – Thy Enemy is Myself

~When you're a small child you fear the darkness, as to you – it is the unknown. However as you grow older, you begin to fear the darkness will be the only thing that is known to you~

Unsure of what the hell was happening all that Neal wanted to do was get out of the foyer; his home. It felt oddly eerie after seeing it covered in blood splatters and he wanted nothing more than to get as far away as possible from the building right now. Glancing around the room his eyes locked onto an object he was searching for and he headed straight towards the cabinet near the stairs. He grabbed the set of keys to the car that June had left when she went on her trip and quickly exited the building, locked the door and let out the breath he didn't even know that he was holding.

I need to get out of here.

Was all that was repeating inside of his head as he stared down at the car keys in his now shaking palm.

He tightly closed his palm around the cold metal object and held onto it for dear life. Neal hurriedly took off to where June's car was parked, he had no idea what he was planning to do at all once he got the vehicle onto the road. It had been awhile since he had last driven a car thanks to the fact that he no longer held a valid license or even had a car for that matter. Right now though none of that really mattered, the only thing that mattered to Neal at the moment was getting as far away from his house as quickly as humanely possible. He didn't think that he could stand being near the building for more than a few seconds without throwing up.

Once inside the car he shoved the key into the ignition and started the engine, he was immediately greeted with the sound of the car roaring to life. Neal gripped a hold of the steering wheel in front of him and just sat there for a few moments, trying desperately to collect his thoughts and to try and understand what the hell had just happened back there, and why it felt like he was slowly, but surely losing his sanity. There was no logical way to explain what he had just witnessed, normal people did not walk into their house to be greeted with an extremely vivid hallucination of their walls painted in blood – so much blood – this was the second time his own eyes had betrayed him and had shown him things that weren't exactly really there.

Closing his eyes tightly he leaned his head against the steering wheel and let out a heavy sigh, the cold from the wheel felt nice pressed against his pounding head. Neal had absolutely no idea why this was happening to him and better yet how on earth he was going to deal with this. He couldn't exactly keep this facade up that everything was okay if he started hallucinating small children walking around covered in blood in the middle of Peter's office at the bureau – he'd never have a chance at convincing Peter and the others that everything was fine if he suddenly went as pale as a ghost and started having a panic attack. If this was all due to his lack of sleep then Neal knew some desperate measures were going to need to be taken to assure that he could get the much needed sleep that was required to not have to deal with these hallucinations anymore.

Still breathing heavily he slowly lifted his head off of the wheel and leaned back in the driver's seat. He had no idea at all where he was going to go – he had nowhere to go. He could go to Peter's but that would bring up the unwanted are you okay questions and more importantly what the hell are you doing with a car questions and Neal didn't want to have to sit there and explain to Peter and El all of the events that had taken place in the past few days at the moment.

Also the last person that Neal wanted knowing things weren't okay in the world of Neal Caffrey was Peter Burke. He was sure that as soon as Peter got wind of the fact that he was losing his mind and unable to do the job that was needed of him for the FBI – he'd be back with a roommate in a cold, 8x6 cell, wearing those orange jumpsuits in no time for being deemed useless to the bureau as a mentally incapacitated person.

Shaking his head to clear all thoughts of the idea of prison and Peter, he looked down at the car's digital clock and noted that it was now around 9pm. There was nobody he could go to at this hour of the night beside the Burke's and he'd already scratched them off of his list. There was of course Mozzie, but Neal knew how much his friend hated dealing with situations such as this, and plus, he also didn't really want Mozzie thinking he had lost his marbles either – hell he didn't want anybody knowing he was slowly losing it. This is why Neal decided that this whole fiasco was something he was going to have to deal with by himself – and himself alone.

Realizing that the engine of the car was still running and that he was still sitting inside the car next to the house he wanted to get away from. Sighing at the fact that he had gotten himself lost in thought again and was still in the presence of the house he wanted to get away from. He pulled the seat belt across his chest and fastened it before putting the car into gear and driving out of the garage and away from the house that for once didn't feel all that safe and secure like it used to. But then again, where exactly could he go that felt safe, when the monsters that he was trying so desperately to run away from never left him. They were always there alongside of him no matter where he went or what happened – because they were inside of him, they were his own demons and no matter how hard he tried, he knew that he could never really escape from them. As the only way that he could destroy them would amount in the destruction of himself in the process.

There wasn't really anywhere he could go within his two mile radius besides doing laps around the block, and that wouldn't exactly help him as he wanted to get as far away as possible – not continuously circle around it. The stupid tracking anklet really had its moments where Neal wanted more than anything to rip the cursed thing off and smash it repetitively with a sledge hammer. Other times though he was thankful for it, because even though it was a leash that he was tethered to, it was far better than being back in prison.

But right now its short leash was really not helping the situation at hand at all.

Deciding that the best option he had that didn't end in the marshals being called and Peter being notified he was outside his radius, was to just drive around aimlessly for hours upon hours until he got tired enough to pull over and sleep in the back of the car. Instead of having to face going back to the house tonight, because honestly he didn't think he had the strength to do that anytime soon.

Another thing that he couldn't get out of his mind, but wished that he could was Jason Brenner. The man still considered him to be accountable for the loss of his job and the words that he had said in regards to that were still floating around in Neal's head, and he had a feeling that he wasn't about to forget what was said anytime soon either. Normally Neal didn't care what other people thought about him in the slightest, he didn't feel the need to please everyone, if they didn't like him then that was their opinion and their own stupid loss, but as of lately his whole game plan was off completely and he was left feeling a lot more vulnerable than usual.

He wasn't the usual Neal Caffrey – the charming, con artist who didn't let anything or anyone slightly bother him at all. Now he was the man who could hardly sleep at night, the man who was constantly on edge and who jumped at the slightest sound, and the man whose emotions were so far out of check that he would be a considered a playground for psychologists. He was now the man who let the words spoken in a drunken fit of anger affect him so greatly and cause him massive amounts of unwarranted guilt. Neal had no idea what the hell was wrong with himself lately; he had a strong feeling though that this wasn't just due to his lack of sleep – because his lack of sleep could not be blamed on his lack of sleep. Something was causing him to not be able to sleep, and that was something that he did not want to dwell on at all.

It was the countless nightmares that ended in him waking in the middle of the night in a fit of pure terror, the constant guilt he felt, and the thoughts that raced through his mind whenever he laid his head down to try and get to sleep at night; all of the thoughts that he was plagued with whenever he was alone. These were all things that Neal Caffrey pushed into the darkest, furthest corner of his mind and refused to acknowledge the slightest, because once you acknowledge something – it becomes real, and if it never becomes real –well then Neal can just go on pretending that everything is fine and that he's still the exact same man he always was.

However before his train of thought could continue down the dark path that it was heading on it was interrupted with the sound of a car horn blasting, then the sickening sound of metal scrapping against metal, and lastly the impact of the collision at the side of the car. The sudden impact caused Neal's body to jolt forward and he hissed in pain as he felt the seatbelt cut against his chest and his forehead connect with the steering wheel; the pain immediately radiated from his head from the impact against the wheel. The smell of burning rubber was suddenly assaulting his senses as he heard the other car's brakes being applied and the wheels screeching along the bitumen, it was then that he realized that he hadn't even pressed down on his own brakes in response. All he could do was watch out the shattered window as his surroundings blurred together in a collections of swirls as the car completed a 180 degree spin, and in response Neal was greeted with an intense wave of dizziness from the assault of the dancing colours.

The car finally came to a resounding halt, everything all of a sudden seemed so deathly quiet in his mind and in his surroundings, all he could hear was the sound of his own, now erratic breathing and his heart beating in his chest. However it wasn't long before suddenly the sounds of everything came back to him and it was as if someone had turned the volume up full blast; everything was ten times louder than it should have been and extremely intensified. The sounds of sirens in the distance could be heard, the sound of the car's engine dying down, and the sounds of people gathering around shouting and gasping in shock. He willed for everything to just stop and to be greeted with sounds of silence again, as the noises did wonders on his now pounding head.

Neal tried to look out the now shattered window and see what was happening, but everything suddenly became a dancing swirl of colours again as he tried to focus his eyesight, it was like a bunch of dancing rainbows assaulting his vision and he sardonically laughed to himself at the fact that this would be a much more appreciated form of hallucinations then what he usually experienced. The sounds around him were also starting to slur together and they sounded like a foreign language to his ears, nothing was making sense to him at all as he tried to work out what was happening outside the vehicle and what everyone was saying.

Suddenly feeling extremely claustrophobic trapped in the car's wreckage and not knowing what was going on he tried to move, his body immediately protested to the task and an intense wave of pain washed over his body in complaint of being moved. The most intense pain was being shot out from his head and chest, it felt as if his chest was on fire after being confined against the rough material of the seatbelt, he was sure as hell he'd have some nice bruises to show from this accident.

Neal suddenly felt a warm liquid run down the side of his face past his eye; instinctively he moved his hand towards the source, groaning as pain radiated from his shoulder from the movement. After his hand came into contact with his head he withdrew his hand to take a look at the offending liquid. The rainbow of colours was still dancing in front of his eyes; he squinted his eyes slightly to try and focus his eyesight onto his hand and it wasn't long before his eyes focused onto the ever so familiar sight of the dark red liquid – his face paled even further then what he was sure it already was at the sight of the blood on his hand. This was definitely not what he was wanting to see right now.

Brushing his hand against his forehead to momentarily stop the liquid from running into his eyes he revealed a trail of blood now along the back of his hand. He must have really smashed his head pretty hard against the steering wheel as he realized everything was still swaying in his vision and the pain was still pounding away mercilessly against his temples.

Great the last thing I wanted to deal with tonight was a concussion.

Trying to remember what exactly had just happened Neal was disappointed at the fact that he couldn't remember how the accident had happened or who had caused it. Was he driving in the wrong lane? Was he that distracted that he wasn't paying attention to the road? Was this his fault? Did he crash into the other car? – The other driver, was he okay? Oh god, Peter was going to be so mad at him. Hell, Peter was going to be furious at him for firstly driving a car, let alone crashing one into another car.

"Sir are you alright? We're going to get you out of there okay." The sound of the paramedic's voice broke Neal out of his reverie. It was also a welcoming relief as he realized that he could now once again fully understand the English language and everything was not slurred together.

"Yeah, yeah I'm okay." Neal forced out, his own voice however sounded foreign to his ears.

"Are you feeling pain anywhere?" The paramedic asked as he crawled into the passenger's seat. Neal was confused as to why they hadn't just opened the driver's door until for the first time he actually took in the condition the car was now in – his door was completely destroyed and was probably jammed shut.

"Uh, just a slight headache. I must have hit it during the collision. But it's nothing a little Tylenol can't fix." He sheepishly looked over at the paramedic. The last thing that Neal wanted right now was to go to a hospital and be fussed over – he knew that the moment he stepped foot inside of one and explained who he was and tried to seek medical attention Peter would be notified.

"Are you sure? You don't look like you're doing that good?" The paramedic questioned who was joined a few seconds later by another paramedic who handed him what looked to be a neck brace.

Oh dear lord they are not putting that on me.

"Yes I'm sure, really I'm fine, seriously just let me get up and I'll show you." Neal went to move, but a firm set of hands against his shoulder stopped him from moving too far.

"Sorry sir but we have protocol to follow and I can't just let you walk away from this scene without being observed by a medical professional. We'll need to have you taken to the ER and evaluated over there, and if they say everything's okay then you're fine to be released into your own care." The paramedic left no room for argument as he strapped the brace around Neal's neck.

"Where abouts am I by the way?" Neal innocently asked after realizing he had no idea where he had ended up at, the green light on his tracker signalled that he hadn't gotten too far. He immediately regretted asking the question though as he watched the concern flood across the paramedic's face.

"You don't know where you are?" The paramedic asked, worry clearly evident in his voice.

"Oh god I didn't mean it like that. I was just aimlessly driving around and I don't know where I ended up getting to before the accident happened, that's all." Neal didn't like the way the paramedic was staring at him, he really was doing exceptionally well at digging himself holes today.

"Can you tell me your name?"

"It's Neal Caffrey. I know my own name, birth date, home address, etcetera I'm not concussed." If Neal had to con his way out of a trip to the ER, then it looked like that's what he was going to have to do.

"Alrighty then Neal, can you tell me what the day is?" The paramedic innocently asked ignoring Neal's claims that he was indeed fine and not concussed.

"It's Thursday." Neal simply stated, bitting back a groan of irritation.

"Correct. Can you give me an estimation on the time?"

"Probably somewhere between nine and ten." This is pathetic was all Neal could think.

The paramedic looked down at his watch and noted that it was a quarter to ten. "Correct."

"Well that's wonderful, does two correct answers win me $500 dollars? Do I get given the chance to keep the money or do I have to play on for the million?" Neal couldn't stop himself from sarcastically asking. He really didn't want to sit here and play 20 questions with the paramedics.

The paramedic however just kept the same, concerned expression on his face. "Okay Neal, we're going to get you out now and have you transported over to Lenox Hill's ER and have you evaluated there."

"What? No. Look I said I was fine, I answered all your stupid questions accurately." Hospitals meant paper work, paper work at a hospital meant contacting his medical power of attorney – and that meant contacting Peter Burke and that was the last thing that he wanted to do right about now.

The paramedics continued to ignore Neal's complaints as they helped remove him from the vehicle and he was then greeted with a stretcher which Neal just shot a dirty look towards, ripped the offending neck brace off and placed it onto the stretcher and walked past it, and headed over towards the awaiting ambulance. He didn't need a god damn stretcher, he was perfectly fine.

Hoping in the back of the ambulance he sat down on one of the plastic seats and was followed by one of the paramedics who sat down across from him, while the other went around the front to presumably drive the vehicle. It wasn't long before he felt the ambulance take off towards its destination. He sure was going to have one hell of a fun time explaining all of this to Peter.

"How's the other driver?" He found himself subconsciously asking, his voice echoing throughout the silent back compartment of the ambulance. Please let them be okay, please let them be okay.

"I'm not entirely sure; another rig took care of him. I think it was just a few scrapes and a minor concussion, probably much the same condition as what you're in. It was nothing serious; do you remember exactly what happened?" The paramedic questioned.

"Not really." Neal said followed by a sigh, he was certain that answer and his inability to remember was probably going to be used against him and added to the list of reasons the paramedics seemed to have as to why he was going to be diagnosed with a damn concussion.

"Ah, well the other guy seemed intoxicated, so he most likely was over the legal limit; I mean he was driving in the incoming traffic lane, so his insurance should cover whatever damaged happened to your vehicle also."

Neal closed his eyes and sighed in relief – the accident wasn't his fault. At least that was one less thing that Peter could be mad at him for, now it was just driving without a valid license. Well, he had a license – a forged one he had made not too long after getting out of prison, but Neal knew that Peter would know it was a fake.

After sitting in silence for a few more minutes he felt the ambulance start to slow down and then come to a complete stop. He could see through the windows that they had pulled up at the Emergency Room. A few seconds later the paramedic from the front of the rig appeared and opened the doors and Neal jumped down from the back of the ambulance onto the ground. His actions caused pain to radiate through his skull from the movement, but as he usually did in all aspects of his life – he acted like everything was fine. The paramedic from inside the ambulance hopped out as well and took a hold of Neal's upper arm and tugged him slightly towards the entrance of the emergency room not wanting to take any chances with his patient dashing off.

Pain immediately shot through Neal's arm from where the paramedic had taken a hold of his arm and made contact with his earlier injury. He pulled his arm back instinctively and hissed out in pain.

"Does your arm hurt? The doctors in here will take a look at that, you may have bruised it pretty badly." The paramedic said, gesturing for Neal to continue walking with him into the ER's waiting room.

"No. No it's fine. I am fine." Neal said, not exactly liking where this whole scenario was heading.

"You really are a stubborn one aren't you?" The paramedic said shaking his head.

But Neal was no longer listening to him as he entered into the ER's waiting room and his gaze immediately fell on a familiar figure standing in the waiting room – It was Peter and he was pacing back and forth, running a hand through his hair, he did not look happy the slightest bit.

Neal took a deep, reassuring breath and walked away from the paramedics and over towards where Peter was pacing about, "Peter, look I can explain –" Neal started to say before he was abruptly cut off by Peter.

"Neal?! What the hell are you doing here? Wait – are you bleeding? Are you hurt?" Peter asked, the shock and confusion was evident in his voice and worry flashed across his face.

"What am I doing here? Wait – you're not here because of me?" Neal asked, confusion arising in his voice also. If Peter wasn't here because of him, then what on earth had happened...

"No I'm not, Neal not everything is about you. I didn't even know you were coming here. Why are you here? What the hell happened to you, your head's bleeding? Are you injured? God dammit Caffrey what did you get yourself into this time?" Peter asked, concern still evident in his voice as he took in his CI's injuries. He had a nasty gash on his forehead and there was dried blood across the side of his face and splatters of blood that Peter presumed to be from his head wound across the front of his shirt also. His face looked extremely pale which caused Peter to notice just how dark the circles had gotten underneath Neal's eyes.

"Why are you here?" Neal asked, ignoring all questions regarding himself and his well being. "Are you okay? Wait is El okay? Is she hurt? Oh god what happened?"

"Yes I'm fine, El's fine also. I got a call from NYPD about an hour ago after they found my card in Jason Brenner's pocket. Turns out he was shot an hour ago and was rushed in for emergency surgery, that's all I have been told so far. Now what's wrong with you?" Peter asked, not allowing Neal to just skip out on answering his questions when it was obvious the younger man looked like he'd just been through hell and back.

"Wait what? Jason was shot! I-I was just – I mean – who shot him?" Neal couldn't believe it, he'd just been at Jason's house a few hours ago and the man was fine, slightly intoxicated, but fine nonetheless. Neal felt whatever remains of colour there were immediately drain from his face as he realized that he'd probably just missed the man being murdered by a few minutes.

If I stuck around a bit longer I could have saved him instead of immediately fleeing the property.. The thought flashed through his mind but he immediately squashed it down, now was not the time or the place for his damn intrusive thoughts to start running rampant. Especially not in front of Peter.

"I don't know. I don't know anything other then what I just told you. I'm suspecting that it has something to do with Pierson though, but I'm still waiting on the official report. Now for the third time what on earth are you doing here Neal? You said you were just going to go over those files for the night I can't see how that would end up in an ER visit unless you managed to give yourself one hell of a paper cut?" Peter was starting to get angry at Neal's blatantly obvious attempts at evading his questions regarding his well being.

"I-I was in a car accident." Neal sheepishly said, unable to look up and meet Peter's eyes after that confession.

"You what!? A car accident! Neal you don't even have a license let alone a god damn car! How the hell did you manage to get yourself involved in a car accident?!" Peter all but shouted at the younger man, earning a few glances in their direction from the other people waiting in the ER.

"Peter for all they know I do have a license." Neal said slyly, patting his pants pocket where his wallet was which earned him a stern look from Peter. "Also it was June's car not mine, but the accident wasn't my fault so the damage will be repaired and paid for under the other driver's insurance.."

"Neal you –" Peter had started to say before he was interrupted by a doctor approaching them.

"Ah Mr Caffrey? Hi, I'm Dr Ross and I'll be examining you today if you could come over to this cubicle we can get this whole thing over and done with as quickly as possible as I'm aware that you don't wish to be here." Dr Ross said, adding a smile to his face and gesturing the young man away from Peter and towards said cubicle. Neal had only just turned around to walk away with Dr Ross as he heard a man approach Peter.

"Agent Burke? I'm Dr Wilcox and I was Jason Brenner's trauma surgeon, unfortunately the bullet had caused too much intracranial bleeding, and although we exhausted all of our capabilities trying to save him unfortunately we were unsuccessful and he did not make it." The surgeon said, before walking back into the room he had just appeared from.

Neal felt as if someone had just ploughed into him with a car – again – Jason was dead and he had probably spent the last few moments of his life yelling at the man who he blamed for ruining everything. Neal suddenly felt hot all of a sudden, and extremely nauseous as he felt the room begin to tip on him. It wasn't until he heard the sounds of a NYPD officer approaching Peter that he really felt his world do a complete 360.

"Agent Burke, as I am aware Dr Wilcox just told you that Jason Brenner was pronounced dead, we've also came to the conclusion that the man was deeply troubled as large trace amounts of alcohol were found in his system, and his death has been subsequently ruled as a suicide due to outstanding evidence suggesting so."

"What!" Neal all but shouted, causing all of the other occupants in the room to glance up at him as he spun around away from Dr Ross and faced Peter and the NYPD officer. "Suicide?!" was all that Neal could manage to get out as he felt the floor underneath him cave in, the blackness creeping in at his vision and the distant sound of Peter screaming his name was the last thing that he was aware of as his knees buckled underneath him and he felt himself collapse to the floor and lose consciousness almost immediately.

"Neal!" Peter shouted running towards his CI who was now lying in an unconscious heap on the ground. He kneeled down on the ground beside Neal's limp form. "Neal! Hey wake up!" Peter shouted at the younger man, but Neal remained unresponsive.