A/N: Firstly sorry that I took like a thousand and a half years to update this! I really promise to get back into updating more often soon. This first month of 2013 has been absolute non-stop chaos. I just got my university acceptance letter - I got into law and psychology! Woo to double degrees. Although studying both a law degree and a psychology degree may make it harder for me to find time to update. But I'll try my hardest! Anyway, the university course starts in three weeks and I only got my letter last week, so I have four weeks to move into a new house that's two hours away. I've been so busy signing leases, rental applications, buying furniture, textbooks, just moving in general to update.
But you can all thank this update on the user Cthulucy - who reminded me of this story, twice, after my prolonged absence. Honestly guys I love when you do that, when you show that interest in my work to take the time to pester me if I am not updating. Feel free! Please. :) As you can see, your reviews and messages are what got this chapter uploaded. It's also longer than usual, around the 9000 word mark, when it's normally 5000/6000. I thought I'd be more generous than usual haha.
ALSO. This chapter, the content involved is for the purpose of the story, and also as an educational purpose for you readers, in-case any of you don't understand the medical mishaps that are happening and the psychological impacts and whatnot. I included actual factual data into this. So I'm hoping this helps some of you get a better grasp on things if you didn't already understand fully what is happening inside Neal's head in regards to the emotional side.
Please, read and review, as per usual, I love knowing what you like/dislike - and want to see next! I have a set chapter plan, so this story will get finished, as I have it all planned as to what happens per each chapter, but I am open to suggestions in the reviews. I'm open to any new ideas that you guys want to pitch at me. So remember, please review!
- Again, sorry that this took like a month to get updated! That won't happen again! :) x.
Chapter 6 – Hazard Signs
~The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has actually taken place~
The first thing that Neal became painfully aware of as he aroused from his unconscious state was the annoying shrilling noise that was coming from the device inside his pants pocket, the sudden high pitched noise made his head pound ruthlessly. The second thing that he noticed was that it was now some time in the morning since there were rays of sunlight streaming across the tiled floor in front of him from the window next to his shower – his shower – his bathroom; and that was the third thing that Neal became aware of. He was sitting on the floor, awkwardly slumped against his bathroom wall curled into some ball formation.
Did I sleep like this all night?
The thought flashed through his mind, but before he could process any more information regarding the events that had transpired last night the shrilling noise from his phone interrupted his train of thought. Neal hadn't even noticed that the phone had stopped ringing, until the ungodly noise started itself back up again.
Sighing, he slowly arched his back forward so that he could manoeuvre his arm behind him to pull the phone out of his pants pocket. Although once he moved his arm into his direct line of sight he immediately stopped dead in his tracks at the sight that was presented in front of him. His right arm was patterned in criss-crossing streaks of dried blood all the way to his elbow that had streamed down from the top of his hand – from his knuckles; which were also covered in dried blood and slightly bruised.
What the actual hell happened last night?
Neal pushed the thoughts aside for the moment as he removed the offending shrieking object from his pocket and looked down at his caller ID, his eyes squinting at the sudden light – Peter's name stared back up at him from the brightly lit screen. Glancing at the time on his phone he noticed that it was just slightly after 10:30am. This wasn't good at all; Neal quickly answered the phone before it had a chance to go to voicemail again.
"Peter –" Neal began, pausing momentarily and taking a deep breath, his voice sounded a lot hoarser than what he would have liked as he answered Peter's call. Neal suddenly became quite thirsty as he realized just how dry his throat actually was, it seemed he was slightly dehydrated, although Neal couldn't imagine why that was at this point, he licked his lips and was about to try and speak again.
"Neal? God dammit Caffrey! I've been trying to get a hold of you for the past two hours. I was just about to drive over there myself and kick your door down and face the full wrath of June. Do you have any idea what time it is and what time you are meant to get your ass in here to start work? You were meant to be here over two hours ago Neal! If you didn't feel up to coming in today I told you that was fine, but the least that you could have done was called ahead and notified me that you wouldn't be coming in today." Peter took a deep breath before continuing. "Are you okay?" The agent asked, his voice becoming a lot softer as he managed to stop himself from chastising Neal any further over the phone. The anger that was present in his voice had subsided and was replaced with concern as he asked the younger man the last question.
Neal swallowed hard before replying in an attempt to wet the back of his throat as to make his voice sound at least a little bit more like how it usually did and not as hoarse as it previously was. "I'm fine Peter, I must have just overslept. I'll be there in about 20 minutes." He paused. "I'm sorry." His voice not exactly how he would have liked it to have sounded, but it was still a significant improvement from his earlier attempt.
"You overslept?" Peter asked slowly, as if he had misunderstood the ex-con's words altogether.
"Yeah, sorry, after I got home last night I must have forgotten to set an alarm to wake me up and instead just went straight to sleep." Neal practically mumbled into the phone, still not trusting his own voice.
The statement wasn't exactly a lie; Neal had forgotten to set his alarm thanks to the events of last night – not that it would have really mattered that much as he wouldn't have exactly heard the alarm that effectively lying on his bathroom floor. That was something Peter didn't need to know however.
"Right, okay, right." Peter mumbled, mimicking Neal's previous tone, before his voice took on that tone of authority that it usually was laced with. "Are you sure that you're well enough to come into work today? Neal you know that you don't have to come in if you're not feeling one hundred percent. I said that you could have today off, and I'll understand perfectly if you want to stay at home and rest."
"Peter; I am fine." Neal said slowly, drawing the words out and putting emphasis on them.
Those last three words that Neal uttered were the furthest thing from the truth and Neal knew it, he just hoped and prayed to god that Peter would believe the words even if Neal himself didn't. Even though the art of conning someone into believing something required a large amount of belief and faith in your own words and actions, you yourself had to believe what you were trying to get another person to believe. If your words lacked your own belief in them, then there was no way another person could believe them. If Neal Caffrey, one of the world's best con-men, couldn't even begin to convince himself of his own words – then what chance would he have in getting Peter to believe them?
"Alright Neal, if you're sure you're up to coming in. I'll swing by your place and pick you up in 20 minutes. Is that enough time for you to get ready?" Neal swore to himself that he could hear the disbelief screaming at him through Peter's words, but he pushed that aside, Peter couldn't see through him that easily could he?
No he couldn't. Because Neal was fine, one hundred percent fine, and Peter would believe that.
"Yeah that's enough time. I'll see you shortly." Neal said hanging up the phone and ending the conversation.
If Peter was really beginning to start to see through all of his lies and his carefully placed facade, just how long would it be until the inevitable happened and everything that Neal had built structured on top of lies upon lies came crashing down upon him. How much longer was it until Peter saw through every single thing and realized just how insane things had become lately for Neal and how every single I'm fine was a complete and utter lie?
Deciding that now probably wasn't the best time to sit and think about these things, Neal realized that he should probably get up off of the floor and start to get ready for work as to not leave Peer waiting any longer than what he already had been for him. Neal stood up slowly from his position on the ground, his back protesting after being confined in such an awkward position for so long, however before Neal could move any further he was once again stopped dead in his tracks as he finally took in the scene that was in front of him.
As he glanced around the room and surveyed what was in front of him, his mind was flooded with the memories of what exactly had occurred last night. It looked as if the inevitable had already happened, and everything that he had built based on lies and false reassurances had come crashing down upon him.
Fuck.
There was shattered glass lying in front of him on the ground, and pieces also lay scattered on top of the sink basin, the mirror looked like a spider web as the cracks formed rings around the gaping hole in the middle. There was a small amount of blood smudged around the area where Neal assumed his fist had connected with the glass, and as a result of that there were also some droplets of blood along the basin and a few lone ones on the floor – there was also a hell of a lot more droplets of blood to the left of where he was standing, and alongside of them there also lay a lone piece of discarded metal.
Realization suddenly hit Neal like a freight train; he slowly raised his left arm in front of his face and noticed that it also was covered in streaks upon streaks of dried blood much the same as his right arm – although there was a significantly larger amount of blood laced around his left arm. He dragged his gaze along the tracks of blood on his arm up until he reached his upper forearm and was shocked to see the countless, vicious criss-crossed red lines that stared back up at him through more patches of dried blood along his skin.
Why did I do this ... ?
Neal felt himself pale considerably as he remembered the emotional breakdown that he had experienced last night, everything that he had spent the past few years burying had just washed over him in one gigantic wave and he must have subconsciously tried to deal with the overpowering emotions in the only way that he recently knew how to. He, however, did not like the fact that he had carried out the actions without exactly realizing what it was that he was doing, and how much damage he was actually causing. Neal would never have rationally inflicted so much damage in such a vicious and unorganized fashion.
Not wanting to think about the events that took place last night any longer, he headed straight towards his shower with one goal in mind; to wash away any evidence that last night had even taken place. Neal removed the few remaining garments of clothing he had on and stepped inside the shower letting the scalding hot water wash over his body, the hot water stung as it came into contact with his bruised knuckles and forearm as the water began to wash away the dried blood. Neal stood there motionless; head leaned forward against the tiled shower wall, just watching the crimson tinted water run down the drain as the water poured over him.
After a few moments later Neal stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around his waist and shook the excess water from his locks of hair. He instinctively glanced into the mirror to see how his hair had fallen, but was reminded immediately that it no longer functioned as it should. Neal shot a downward glance to his bathroom floor and sighed, he wouldn't even begin to have enough time to clean all of this mess up before Peter came to pick him up shortly for work. He grabbed a comb, some hair gel, some toothpaste, his toothbrush and some adhesive bandages and stepped outside of the bathroom shutting the door behind him and on the memories of last night. He decided that he'd have to clean it up once he got home from work; he just hoped to god that Mozzie wouldn't feel like greeting him with a spontaneous visit and have the sudden urge to use his bathroom while he was at work – that conversation could get awkward.
Neal placed the newly acquired comb, hair gel, toothbrush and toothpaste on his kitchen bench and walked off towards the location of his wardrobe, bandages still in tow. Once inside he quickly began dressing himself for work, placing the bandages over his injured forearm he then draping his dress shirt across his shoulders. His entire forearm hurt with every slight movement that he made and Neal mentally kicked himself for the thousandth time for being so stupid and impulsive last night, and going extremely overboard with the whole self loathing pity party. Once he was dressed in his usual attire, he headed back into his kitchen, once again forgoing breakfast as per usual. He brushed his teeth over the sink in the kitchen and then combed and styled his hair into his usual fashion in front of the small mirror in his bedroom.
It wasn't long after he had just made the finishing touches onto his hairdo that there was a knock on his front door signalling to him that Peter had arrived. Neal looked himself over quickly in the full length mirror and wasn't even remotely satisfied with the image that was staring back at him. His face was extremely pale, more so than usual after what had happened last night, the bruises had now turned a palish blue colour and they did a wonderful job at highlighting the paleness that Neal's blue eyes had became. The cut above his eye was minor, but it had developed some slight bruising around it also which didn't help compliment his features. He looked down at his injured right hand and wasn't surprised to notice the now more vivid colour of the bruising on the knuckles and the slight scrapes once the dried blood had been removed.
"Neal! Hey you ready to go?" Peter's voice broke though the silence of the room, effectively snapping Neal out of his own thoughts.
"Yeah. Yeah I'm coming." Neal was at the door in seconds; he opened it and quickly stepped outside shutting it behind him which earned him a glance from Peter. He really didn't want to take any chances with allowing Peter inside of his apartment at the moment. "Alright let's get going." Neal said walking past Peter and down the flight of stairs to the front door.
Peter however didn't immediately follow after the ex-con, and instead chose to stand at the top of the stairs for a few moments longer and watch Neal closely before following after him. Once Peter had reached the bottom of the stairs Neal was already waiting at the front door, but before he could continue outside Peter grabbed a hold of his wrist and turned Neal around to face him.
"What happened to your hand?" Peter calmly asked, nodding his head in the direction of Neal's right hand which Peter had raised to just in front of his chest.
"Oh I must have hit it in the accident last night." Neal said, voice void of any hint of emotion.
"It wasn't like that last night at the hospital." Peter drawled.
"It must have formed this morning then." Neal said, pulling his hand out of Peter's grasp, voice once again stone cold and expressionless.
"Neal..." Peter began before he was abruptly cut off.
"Are we going to work or what?" The ex-con said with the slightest hint of irritation before turning away and walking straight out the front door and down the street towards Peter's parked car.
Peter was once again left standing there, staring after the retreating form of Neal Caffrey. There definitely was something going on here and Peter was damned if he wasn't going to get to the bottom of it all. He decided that he wouldn't press the issue any further at the current moment and followed after Neal. Peter however did silently agree to himself that he would keep an extremely close eye on the ex-con today to see if he could uncover even the smallest clue as to what exactly was going on in the younger man's life.
It wasn't long before Peter had also arrived at his parked car that Neal was now impatiently standing beside. Peter caught a glimpse of Neal's expression and noticed that he seemed to be clenching his jaw tightly and what looked to be annoyance and something else lingered in Neal's eyes - he actually seemed to be more annoyed than Peter thought he would have been at what he thought was a harmless question about the bruises and scrapes on Neal's knuckles. Peter mentally made a note of this unusual reaction as he unlocked the car and they both silently hopped inside the Taurus.
The car ride to the office was painfully silent, with neither one of them wanting to be the first to break the silence and speak. Neal obviously was still in an irritated state over Peter's trivial question, and seemed to be refusing to acknowledge Peter's presence in the car. Neal's behaviour reminded Peter of a three year old child who was told that they couldn't get the toy that they wanted at the store and now planned to give the silent treatment as punishment. Peter also didn't want to break the silence as he didn't have the slightest clue on what to talk to his CI about besides some idle chit chat, and judging by the mood that Neal seemed to currently be in he knew that probably wasn't exactly what Neal wanted to engage in right about now. Peter was just thankful that it wasn't too long before they were pulling up in front of the federal plaza.
The elevator ride up to the 21st floor was also silent, the tension in the air was almost getting unbearable and this made Peter immediately go on high alert. It was almost as if he could sense that something wasn't right here at all. Neal normally never let anything get to him – at least not to this extent, especially when it was between Peter and himself – he always managed to sort things out before they got to this stage, or at the very least kept up the appearance that it was okay when they were at the office.
This time however it was different, Peter could sense that Neal was annoyed at him, and annoyed at something else that Peter couldn't exactly put his finger on. He could easily sense the anger radiating from Neal's person but didn't feel that it was directed towards him, well, at least not all of it. Also the fact that this sudden mood was all over such a trivial question really bugged Peter to no end. During the elevator ride Peter kept glancing sideways at Neal and wasn't pleased to note that he still had the same expression as when he was waiting outside of the car; it was as if he was trying desperately to not break down yelling at the agent, or just at the world in general – this was unusual, something was definitely up with his CI.
Just as they had arrived on the 21st floor Diana appeared in front of them and requested to speak to Peter alone, thus signalling for Neal to head over towards his desk and review whatever it was that was left there for him to focus his attention on while the other two went off and spoke in private.
"What's going on Diana? Is there new information regarding Holts?" Peter asked interestedly.
"Not exactly. See that's the thing boss, Hughes doesn't want us to work on the Pierson case at the moment, well at least not for a few days." She began before being cut off by Peter.
"What? Why? – is it because of what happened with Brenner? That – " It was now Diana's turn to cut him off.
"No, well yes actually. He's not taking us off the case, he just wants us to not focus on it today and instead has been made aware of the fact that there's apparently a seminar being held in town that he feels it would be beneficial if we all, as a team, attended." Diana said twisting her bottom lip and bitting down on it, indicating that she obviously wasn't too pleased with Hughes' request about this whole seminar idea.
"A seminar? Hughes wants us to attend ... a seminar?" Peter drawled, confusion evident in his voice.
"Yeah, but wait, it's some mental health seminar. Hughes feels that it would be in our best interest if the four of us went down and listened to some guy talk about a bunch of statistics and other things after what happened with Brenner last night." Diana said, still not sounding impressed with the situation at hand.
"Wait – what? A mental health seminar? Hughes knows that we have dealt with things like this before, why does he want us to go to one now?" Peter was beyond confused, this wasn't the first time that one of their investigations had ended up with his team witnessing a death and it was probably not going to be the last time that they witnessed one in a case either – even if it was the white collar division, this was the FBI after all.
Diana didn't reply and instead just dragged her gaze from Peter's face to over his shoulder, he immediately turned his head and followed her gaze until his eyes rested upon Neal. The ex con was sitting at his desk, elbow resting on the table with his non injured hand balled into a fist with his cheek resting on it, there was a file open in front of him and Neal was making the impression that he was actually reviewing over some case file – but it was painfully obvious to Peter, and apparently Diana also that Neal was doing anything but reading the file that sat in front of him on the table. Peter just nodded at Diana at her silent answer.
"Anyway Hughes says that it's a compulsory order so it's not like we have a choice anyway. Diana said offering Peter a small smile before walking off and going to presumably hunt down Jones and inform him of the extremely exciting news of what their day would now contain.
Peter sighed to himself after Diana walked off before turning around and glancing over at Neal who was still trying to create the illusion that he was in fact actually reading the case file; although he still appeared to be on the same page as he was minutes ago. It didn't seem like Neal was putting that great of an effort into making it look like he was focused on the file – and that was never a good sign to Peter. Neal could create any illusion he wanted at ease and normally without that much thought, but the fact that Neal couldn't even convince his peers that he was reading a case file worried Peter immensely as he couldn't even begin to imagine just how deep in thought Neal must be to realize that he wasn't putting up his usual front.
Walking over to the younger man's desk Peter stood in front of it and waited for what seemed to be ages before Neal registered that Peter was standing in front of him and glanced up. Peter had to suppress a noise as he registered the raw emotion that lingered in Neal's eyes a little longer than Neal would have liked before flickering back to their usual calm and collected state. Peter's stomach turned as he briefly caught a glimpse at exactly just how Neal was feeling, the emotion that he just saw in Neal's eyes concerned him to no end.
"Is everything okay?" Neal asked evidently confused as to why Peter was just silently standing in front of him.
God dammit Neal I should be asking you that question.
The thought flickered through Peter's mind causing him to frown slightly, there definitely was something wrong going on with Neal and Peter could no longer deny it anymore after seeing that so painfully raw emotion lingering in the ex-con's eyes. What exactly was it that he was thinking about that was causing him that much pure internal agony? Peter mentally kicked himself for not noticing anything off with Neal's behaviour earlier. He swore to himself over and over that he had noticed small little things throughout the past weeks that seemed off with Neal, but he had just written them off to lack of sleep or stress from the job, but Peter couldn't deny it anymore, couldn't deny that there was something wrong, there definitely was something else, something much bigger going on as well.
"Peter... are you okay?" Neal drawled out slowly, concern radiating from Neal's voice as he watched the older man's odd behaviour play out in front of him.
"Yes. I'm fine. Hughes wants us to go to a seminar across town, so grab your stuff and let's go." Peter said snapping out of his own thoughts and for the first time in a long while examined Neal; actually thoroughly examined him. Peter mentally grimaced as he took in the bruises that now lay across Neal's face, but what really made him grimace was the lack of colour in Neal's face. Peter swore that if Neal lost any more colour from his already strikingly pale face it'd look as if he was a ghost – a dead man walking.
"A seminar? Why? What's it about? Is this some boring FBI conference that I am being dragged off to?" Neal groaned as he stood up from his desk chair and grabbed his suit jacket that he had draped across the back of the chair. "I really hate those things you know. They're extremely pointless to me and did I mention boring?"
"Yes I know how much you detest being dragged to FBI seminars. But no Neal, this one is not FBI based. It's a mental health seminar from some professor or psychiatrist or whoever, Hughes thinks that it's beneficial we go and listen to what he has to say, now hurry up, Jones and Diana have probably already left." Peter said walking away from Neal's desk and towards the elevators, hoping that this would be a signal for Neal to follow suit and not complain about the seminar in the middle of the office floor.
Neal did not follow as Peter had hoped.
"What? No. Peter – no. I'm not going." Neal said, still standing next to his desk refusing to follow Peter over to the elevators once he was given that titbit of information, a few others in the bullpen had looked up at Neal's sudden raised voice but it wasn't long before they went back to their own business. "Peter no."
Peter sighed, "Neal it's compulsory, now unless you want to deal with Hughes I suggest you hurry up and get over here now." Irritation evident in Peter's tone as he tilted his head towards the elevator.
Neal was about to protest but thought better of it when it came to involving Hughes. After all the man didn't exactly seem to have as much as a soft spot for him as the rest of the team did and Neal was certain that he wouldn't think twice about sending him back to prison if need be, and Neal would be damned if he got sent back to prison after refusing to attend a mental health seminar. His mouth flattened into a straight line as he walked over towards the elevators and stood beside Peter.
Neal Caffrey was not happy at all.
Peter once again could feel the tension radiating from Neal's body, although this time it wasn't anger or annoyance – it was something entirely different that Peter couldn't even begin to place. There was one thing that Peter was sure of though and that was that this was definitely going to be one hell of a fun morning.
The car ride there was silent, as once again Neal was obviously locking himself inside his head and getting himself into one of these newly acquired moods of his. Peter didn't bother with the idle chat, and just drove towards the address that Diana had texted him, and before long they were walking through the building's doors, into the auditorium and getting seated as they waited for the seminar to begin. Neal had seemed to have gotten his sudden mood change under control, and seemed more relaxed and at ease – that was until of course a man appeared on the stage in front of them all and picked up the microphone.
"Good morning ladies and gents, firstly I'd just like to thank you all for coming along today. My name is Dr Adrian Weaver, I'm a registered psychiatrist and I will be your guest speaker for the following two hours."
"Two hours! Peter you've got to be kidding me." Neal groaned in a hushed tone and glanced over at Peter who just shot him a stern look which basically indicated to Neal that he was to shut up and listen to the speaker before Peter himself focused his attention back on the man on the stage. Neal sunk back further in his seat and sighed and focused his own gaze onto the man in front of him.
The man who said his name was Adrian looked to be in between his mid forties, his hair was thinning and he had some slight stubble on his face. He was dressed professionally with a suit jacket and tie and Neal noticed that the man seemed to like to move his hands around a lot when he spoke.
"Firstly I would like to take this opportunity to discuss with you what exactly depression is and how one feels when they're experiencing it. The word depression itself is used to describe various and sometimes overlapping experiences. To many people, being depressed means feeling sad, downhearted, disappointed, detached or upset. However a person can feel all these emotions without necessarily being diagnosed as clinically depressed. So how do you know if you're clinically depressed? Well, feelings of sadness are generally brief and have slight effects on normal functioning whereas clinical depression is an emotional, physical and cognitive state that is intense and long-lasting and has much more negative effects on a person's day to day life. Approximately one in five people will experience an episode of clinical depression in their lifetime."
Well that's a healthy and reassuring statistic isn't it? Neal sarcastically thought.
"It is also important to distinguish depression from the sadness that we naturally experience after a loss, such as during bereavement. Although the grief that is associated with loss is often intense and long lasting, such emotions are a healthy response to loss and they allow people to adjust to their new life circumstances. Depression on the other hand, can have significant and detrimental effects on many aspects of a person's life. It is generally important to consider what is causing and maintaining the depression for improvement to take place. This may involve a person approaching life stresses or relationships differently, making lifestyle changes, regaining self esteem or reconnecting with his or her values."
Oh my god. Somebody please kill me now. Two hours of this.
"Also it is helpful for depressed people to understand what depression is and isn't. It is not something to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about. It is not a character flaw or a sign of weakness, or a lack in discipline or personal strength. It is not just a mood that someone can snap out of. Most importantly, depression is not permanent – the chances of recovery are very high with a number of psychological and pharmacological treatments readily available to help aid in the recovery process."
Seriously. Please. Somebody shoot me now. God damn Peter I hate you for dragging me to this. I think I might actually prefer prison to this. Neal pushed that last thought aside.
"However recovery is only possible if the person suffering from these feelings actively seeks help. Many people who are experiencing depression tend to not seek the help that is readily available, as I mentioned before, they often feel embarrassed and ashamed of how they are feeling and will often not seek out help. This is why it's important for other people to sometimes be the ones to offer that help. It's not always that easy to tell if somebody is depressed, and that's why if you notice any behavioural changes that last for more than two weeks in your family or friends, it's worth asking the person if they may be suffering from depression."
Oh yes, because it's normal for people to just waltz up and ask someone if they're depressed and they'll respond with, oh why yes, I have been suffering from depression! Thank you for noticing. Let's go seek help together. Right. Because that's definitely how life works. No.
"Common signs to look for are moodiness that is out of character, increased irritability and frustration, finding it hard to take minor personal criticism, spending less time with family and friends, loss of interest in food, sex, exercise or other pleasurable activities, being awake throughout the night, increased alcohol and drug use, staying home from work or school, increased physical health complaints such as fatigue or muscle pain, being reckless or taking unnecessary risks such as driving fast or dangerously and the slowing down of thoughts."
Neal didn't notice, but after Adrian Weaver had finished that statement, Peter was now intently glancing sideways at him. Neal hadn't connected any of the signs that the speaker had just listed to himself, but Peter sure had. If the worry that was evidently laced across the agent's face was anything to go by, it was painfully obvious that Peter Burke had now just connected some invisible dots.
"Another sign that someone may be depressed is when they turn to dangerous methods to cope with how they are feeling emotionally. An example of this is referred to as self harm – deliberate self harm also known as self injury refers to people who intentionally inflict physical harm onto their own bodies in an attempt to cope with distressing feelings. This is most often done in secret and without other people knowing. People who self harm may not necessarily want to die, and self harm is not to be confused with as a suicide attempt."
Neal sighed heavily and proceeded to bite down hard on his bottom lip as he tried to focus on anything other than the man on the stage. He didn't want to hear this, and he definitely didn't want to be here any longer.
"There are different types of behaviour that are suggestive of self harm, the most common forms of direct self harm include cutting areas of the body such as the stomach, arms and thighs, burning the skin with cigarettes or a lighter or overdosing on prescription or illegal drugs – taking more medication than what is prescribed."
Neal shifted in his seat uncomfortably at that.
"Now, self harm is usually a response to distress, people self harm as a way of coping with the distress or emotional pain connected with difficult life events or circumstances. That is, the person is trying to relieve, control or express their distressing feelings. These distressing feelings include but are not limited to hopelessness, anxiety, rejection, anger, despair and guilt. It's different for everyone individually however. For some people self harm is a means of trying to make themselves feel better, it provides relief from psychological distress by replacing it with physical distress, as it decreases tension and pressure, releases intense, overwhelming negative emotions and therefore provides a brief escape."
Neal swallowed hard and closed his eyes for a brief moment at the information that was relayed to him. I don't want to hear about this. Not now, not ever.
"Although it brings immediate relief, it is a temporary solution, which causes the person to have to continuously harm themselves to bring about this relief. Self harm is in a way like being addicted to drugs, once you have felt that feeling of relief, that high, you crave that feeling, and after prolonged use it becomes addictive – self harm is extremely addictive and once the person has started self harming, it usually takes a lot to be able to stop the behaviour for good."
I'm not addicted to anything. I can stop at any given time. Neal tried his hardest to not remember the events of last night, and just how out of control he was – it did seem almost as if he was a drug addict; desperately in need of his latest fix to will the cravings to go away. No. I'm not addicted to anything.
"Some people view self harm as giving them a sense of control over the pain in their lives. It may help them cope with emotional numbness, as when they self harm – they can finally feel something. It proves to them that they are not invisible and that they actually do exist. Some people also report actually using self harm to control or drive away intense suicidal thoughts and ideation."
Cope with emotional numbness? I'd be happy with emotional numbness, anything is better than this.
"Sometimes people who engage in self injurious behaviour often find it hard to explain their feelings to others or to communicate to others that they are in fact struggling. Self harm provides a way for the person to express difficult or hidden feelings such as emptiness, anger, sadness, grief and hurt. Self harm becomes this person's way of telling other people about his or her emotional pain and letting other people know just how they are feeling and that they are in need of help and support."
That's bizarre, I'd never let anybody know. I'd rather shoot myself than have Peter, or anyone for that matter find out just how I'm feeling, let alone that this is how I manage to cope with how I am feeling. Neal once again shifted uncomfortably in his seat, earning himself another sideways glance from Peter Burke.
"Now whilst engaging in self harm sometimes suggests that the individual is thinking of suicide, not everyone who self harms is actively suicidal. In general, someone who self harms isn't trying to commit suicide. With suicide, the person is desperate to never have to feel anything ever again, whereas with self harm the person usually wants to feel better. In fact, as I said earlier, sometimes a person who self harms is actually trying to drive away suicidal thoughts and ideation. Nonetheless sometimes people can accidentally die as a result of their self harming behaviour going too far."
No. Please not this topic.
"Common feelings underlying both self harm and suicide attempts could be feelings of overwhelming sadness or loss of control and hopelessness. If self injury fails to work to cope with these feelings, the person may increase the severity of the harm done, or start to believe that they cannot control the pain and thus begin to contemplate more severe actions, such as suicide. Repeated self injury could also lead the person to believe that they cannot stop, which might also lead to feelings of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts."
Please don't.
"I'd like to now introduce the next topic I want to discuss with you here today – suicide. When a person is feeling and suffering from depression, they often can see no way out from the intense feelings that they have and it can then lead them to consider suicide as an option."
I can't sit here and listen to this, not now, not ever. Especially not now. No.
"People who become suicidal are experiencing intense emotional pain, they want this pain to stop and the only option that they see is suicide – a permanent end to their pain. In 2007 suicide was the tenth leading cause of death in the United States, accounting to roughly 34,600 deaths. Now if you think that figure is huge, well there's roughly an estimated 11 suicide attempts per every suicide related death. So that means that a total of roughly 380,600 people attempted to end their life in the year of 2007 alone. Now since then that number has just continued to sky rocket over the years, with not enough people aware of the warning signs to look for so that they can begin to decrease that number dramatically."
Warning signs. I should have seen the god damn warning signs. I could have saved him. Neal bit down hard on the inside of his cheek and willed his mind to stop processing the information that the speaker was saying.
"A person who is thinking about suicide will usually give clues or signs to those around them that indicate that they are distressed. The warning signs are different for each individual, but some common physical signs that people are thinking of suicide are the loss of interest and pleasure in all things, loss of physical energy, loss of interest in personal hygiene or appearance, major changes in sleeping patterns such as too much or too little sleep, loss of interest in sex, sudden and extreme changes in eating habits such as either a loss or increase in appetite and weight. Some behavioural signs are unexplained crying, emotional outbursts, alcohol or drug misuse, uncharacteristic risk taking, withdrawal from family and friends, quitting activities that were once important, self harming, putting one's affairs in order, giving away possessions – especially those with a special significance to the person, organising or talking about a will and writing goodbye letters or a suicide note."
I missed them all. The man committed suicide moments after I left and I didn't even notice, I couldn't even notice that something was wrong. I let him die. It was my fault that he was even suicidal to start with! It's my fault now that he's dead also. My fault.
Neal closed his eyes and rubbed his uninjured left hand against his forehead in a soothing manor, trying to steer off the fast approaching headache. I need to get out of here soon. Biting back a groan, Neal opened his eyes again and tried to focus his vision back onto the man on stage who was still rattling on about the importance of nothing these warning signs.
Neal didn't notice that Peter was now focusing his gaze intently on him and not the speaker. With every word that came out of the speaker's mouth Peter had related it to his CI that was sitting next to him, and that began to worry the agent greatly.
"Although most people show a few of these signs from time to time, especially when they are tired, stressed or upset, it is important to remember that just because a person is showing a few of these signs it does not mean that they are actively considering suicide or even suicidal. However if someone happens to be showing several of these signs at one particular time, it is important to respond quickly by talking to the person and enlisting the help and support of others and health professionals before it becomes too late."
Becomes too late. I really need to get out of here. I can't.
"Now as important as it is to notice the warning signs, it is also very important to notice if the person has experienced their tipping point or not. A tipping point is the point at which a person's risk of taking their own life dramatically increases due to the occurrence of some precipitating event, such as a negative life event or an increase in symptoms from a mental disorder. Tipping points vary from individual to individual, but there are some indicators of times at which people may be under particular stress – these indicators can give an important early warning of the potential for someone to take their own life and they are referred to as triggers. These can include mental disorders or physical illness, alcohol or substance abuse, feelings of interpersonal loss or rejection, the loss of a loved one or job, and the experience of a potentially traumatic life event. Tipping points can be thought of as that final straw that may lead someone who has been considering suicide for quite some time to finally take action and carry out a plan of theirs."
Loss of a job. Loss of a god damn fucking job. Good work Caffrey at noticing that. I guess it's funny that I also passed my fucking tipping point a long, long time ago.
Neal outwardly sighed, causing Peter to once again bring his attention to his CI. Peter was instantly dissatisfied with the sight in front of him. Neal was slumped back in his seat, watching the man on stage through half closed eyes; his face was blank, his jaw was clenched tightly shut and his face was void of any presence of emotion. It looked although as if Neal was going through some silent, internal battle.
"Examples of events and circumstances that may act as a tipping point can include an argument with a loved one or significant person, the breakdown of a relationship or job, the death of a family member or friend, the suicide of a family member or friend, a media report about a recent suicide, the onset or traumatic recurrence of a mental or physical illness, unexpected changes in life circumstances and experiencing a traumatic life event such as abuse – mental, physical or sexual, bullying or violence."
Peter shot Neal another sidewards glance as he noticed the younger man once again shifting around in his seat uncomfortably. He watched as Neal placed his elbows onto his knees and lowered his head down into his palms, rubbing his face, unconsciously hiding his expression from Peter's concerned gaze.
"Now that I have told you about how to identify these warning signs, the next thing that is important to know is how to respond to a warning sign. There are five steps that you should take once you suspect someone to be suicidal, firstly you should remove any access to objects that could be used in a suicide attempt and don't leave the person alone too often if you believe them to be a high risk. Secondly you should assess the situation by asking questions such as whether or not the person has a plan to take their own life, and do they have the means to carry this plan out – if so the person is at a high risk of suicide and you should seek immediate help by calling 911, if the person does not have a current plan they are considered a lower risk of suicide and you should talk to them about their suicidal thoughts and develop a plan together to keep them safe in the future."
Why would you tell anybody that you had a plan. If I ever decided to kill myself I'd lie to everybody around me and say that I was fine, I'd never once mention the fact that I wanted to die and was actually considering committing suicide, all that would do is make people try and stop me, and if I wanted to die so badly that I was willing to killing myself – why would I possibly want someone to intervene and stop me in the first place.
"Thirdly, talk to other people that the person you're concerned about knows. Talk to their friends or family members and see if they also have noticed anything out of the ordinary with their behaviour. Fourthly, don't panic, if someone you know is showing these warning signs or suicidal ideation or has reached their threshold, try not to over-react – simply talk to the person, assess the situation and respond as quickly and efficiently as possible. Lastly, give the person hope. Tell them that there is help available and that things will eventually get better. Tell the person that you will always be there to help them through their difficult times, it's extremely important for you to show them that there are people that care about them greatly, do not give up on them."
Neal lifted his head up from his hands and slumped back into the chair, sighing again. He tilted his head to the side and placed it on his shoulder, he felt his eyelids begin to grow heavy and they slowly began to close. The sound around him began to get softer and more distant as he found himself chasing after sleep until all that was heard was the deafening sound of silence as he had fallen asleep.
"... Now I hope all of this information has been useful to you all and you are now more aware of the inner battles that some of your colleagues and closest friends could be fighting. I'd like to thank you all for coming out today and listening once again." With that Adrian placed the microphone down on the table and walked off of the stage as the roar of applause was presented and people began rising from their seats.
Peter looked over towards Neal and noticed that the younger man was fast asleep. Sighing, he placed his hand on Neal's shoulder and slightly shook him. "Neal, hey wake up."
The first thing that Neal noticed when he opened his eyes was that he was in a strange environment, he looked towards the sound of the voice and was greeted with the sight of an annoyed looking Peter. "Oh, I guess I must have fallen asleep." Neal said sheepishly as he looked away from Peter's gaze.
"Yeah I noticed that Neal. Come on the speech is over and we can leave." Peter said rising to his feet and stretching out his back, sitting in those uncomfortable plastic chairs for two hours wasn't exactly the greatest thing. Neal was standing next to him in a matter of seconds, eagerly waiting to get out of the building.
"What'd you think of the seminar Boss?" Jones asked, as the four of them headed over towards where the buildings exit doors were located.
"Yeah it was alright, it really gets you thinking though." Peter said, unconsciously looking over towards Neal.
"Mhm. Well I vote that we go and get some lunch, and I'm thinking something really expensive and then charging it to Hughes after he made us sit through that seminar." Diana said laughing.
"Taking it that you didn't enjoy it?" Peter said laughing also.
"Nope. Not one bit. Not the kind of thing I like to listen to for two hours" Diana said once they had exited the building and made their way outside.
"Well I thought it was okay, and I'm definitely in for some food." Jones added.
"Well then that's settled, we're getting lunch. Anybody have any requests? Neal? I'm sure you'll like to request we go to some exquisite restaurant and actually charge Hughes with the bill" Peter laughed.
"Oh no, I'm fine. You guys go on without me. I'm not hungry. I'll just walk back to the office." Neal said, quickly casting a glance towards Peter that the agent couldn't read.
But before Peter could even begin to argue with the ex-con, he was once again, for the third time today, staring after the retreating form of Neal who had already walked off and was now heading in the general direction of the federal plaza building.
"Does that kid ever eat?" Diana said jokingly, unaware of the lingering truth behind her statement.
"Jones... Diana.." Peter sighed, addressing his team members slowly. He swallowed hard before continuing on with his sentence that he had hoped he would never have to bring himself to say in a thousand years, "I think that we have one serious problem here with Neal."
"What do you mean boss? The fact that he's not eating?" Jones asked, confusion evident.
"He has lost an awful amount of weight. Do you think it's something serious?" Diana added, suddenly realizing that the situation here may be a lot more serious and wasn't a joking matter anymore.
"No. Not about his eating habits, well, they probably could factor in. Look, I don't exactly know how to say this." Peter once again stopped himself mid sentence before continuing. "But I think that Neal is suicidal."