He honestly didn't know what to do. The people also in charge of this man's care where looking at him standing, staring blankly at the patient. What was he meant to do? If he treated this patient without examining him, he could make a fatal error and he would die under his care - not to mention he would probably be suspended, but if he didn't, he could die anyway. The main problem was that he didn't know the man's current condition. It was obvious he wasn't conscious, but what was his GCS? He could easily look at his monitor for his basic stats, but Ethan didn't think he could bear looking at them realising that he could be dying.
What was he meant to do in this situation? He'd never been in something like this before. His mind had never been this clouded over. He guessed it was because of all his worries and fears and guilt were piling up and creating just one big problem that seemed to overwhelm him beyond he could even comprehend.
"Dr Hardy?" He heard Robyn's voice echo throughout his mind. He had to try and treat this patient - he doubted anyone else would be available. "Dr Hardy?" She repeated. "What do you want done?"
Ethan glanced towards the patient properly, scanning his body. His vision was blurry as his eyes filled with tears. He promised himself he wouldn't cry - he never usually cried. There was never any reason for him to show the extreme emotion. This day just seemed to get on top of him, to weigh him down. The patient was the driver of a car accident - just like he was. He could die, or someone else could die.
If Ethan heard of anyone dying today, he was sure it would tip him over the edge. And he wasn't certain he could climb back up.
He swallowed back the lump forming in his throat and tried to blink away tears. He had to do this. He had to push Jeff out of his mind, the situation that caused this patient to end up in the ED out of his mind.
That was a point, he didn't even know the patient's name.
He faced Robyn. "Right, can we get some bloods sent off," that was the most logical thing he could think of right now, "and get Mr...?"
"...Davidson." Robyn informed him slowly.
"Okay, let's book Mr Davidson in for a head and neck CT as well."
"Head and neck are fine, Ethan." Robyn smiled weakly at him and Ethan trembled. There was no collar on him, and he wasn't on a spinal board. He was so stupid.
"Right... er... um... okay..." he stumbled, unsure of how to continue, "maybe it would be best to get Dr Hanna... I... er... don't feel good." It wasn't a complete lie. He didn't feel good - but not in the way he implied. No, it was more he felt so stupid and weak and guilty and the memories of the crash a year ago were haunting him.
"Dr Hardy?!" Robyn called, but Ethan was already out of the door.
Dixie was missing Jeff terribly, but she knew his death wasn't anybody's fault, and Jeff wanted to die doing what he loved - not some "boring old death in a bed" - as he put it. In a way, she was glad he died while being a hero, because Jeffery Collier was a hero. She smiled at the thought. She had originally blamed Ash, because he was last out of the van, but Dixie realised Jeff really was just slow getting out the back of it. No one was to blame.
But last year, when Caleb Knight came to her asking if she blamed his brother, she was shocked. After delving a little deeper, it seemed Ethan had some guilt trapped inside of him and blamed himself for the crash and Jeff's death because he was driving. Dixie had suggested talking to him, but Cal said against it because his confidence had already taken a knock, and seeing Jeff's wife might tip him.
Dixie had then explained to Cal, in great detail, about how she didn't blame anyone, and she hoped he could fix the guilt pit that Ethan was stuck in.
Cal had come to her later on explaining how he had managed to help Ethan, and Dixie felt a lot better knowing no one blamed themselves for Jeff's death. Jeff would never have wanted people spending their time blaming themselves over his death.
But when Dixie noticed a certain young doctor make his way out of Resus, trembling, she decided she needed to have a word. She had lost her husband, and she was getting on with everything, but Ethan had nearly died - a scar to prove it - and he did originally blame himself, not to mention he lost faith in his own abilities as a doctor for a while.
She watched him go to the staffroom and followed after him, making sure to trail behind slightly. She watched as he sat on the sofa and rubbed his hands up and down his face. She walked in slowly and noticed how he jumped at the opening of the door.
"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."
"It's alright." He said, leaning back and looking up at the ceiling. Dixie tentitively sat next to him.
"Are you alright?" She asked, smiling gently as he turned his head to look at her.
"Yeah. You? It must be hard for you." He picked out.
"I'm alright. Jeff wouldn't have wanted anybody to be upset over his death," Dixie said, trying to reassure him sensitively. Ethan didn't say anything, he just turned his head up again. Dixie placed a hand on his knee. "You know it wasn't your fault." If Ethan was shocked she guessed, he didn't show it. Instead, a tear fell from his eye. "He died doing what he loved. It was unexpected, Ethan. He wouldn't have wanted you to blame yourself still."
Ethan shrugged. "It's fine," he lied.
Dixie decided Cal would probably be a better person here. She just needed him to know what Jeff would have wanted him to know.
"There are drinks in the pub after work, Ethan. You coming?"
Ethan shrugged again.
"Okay, well I hope to see you there... it's what Jeff would have wanted." With that, she walked out, intending on getting Cal to help.
Ethan twisted his body so he was laying down on the sofa. His small talk with Dixie didn't do anything to help matters. She'd just made him feel worse (which he had realised actually was possible). He was already feeling guilty about Jeff, and even though he wouldn't want him to feel guilty, Ethan felt even more guilty because it wasn't what Jeff wanted yet he was guilty. He knew he shouldn't have been feeling this way - it had been a year, after all. People always said that the first year after someone dies is the hardest because it's the first year you'd be without them since you've known them. Ethan never thought everything would come back to him - he was usually such a calm and collected person, rarely breaking down like he had been doing. But it did come back to him, it hit him hard.
It had only come back to him in the last week. He thought he'd be able to control the guilt he'd buried and hoped it would never come back, but it seemed to slap him in the face. Added with the return of the nightmares, the sleepless nights when he gave up on sleep, working in the place he nearly died, and seeing his colleagues that he put in danger last year - it all piled on top of him. He was kind of glad Tess and Ash weren't at the ED - less people to feel he'd let down and nearly killed.
Why was his head in such a mess?
He thought back to his patient who was probably dead by now, unless Zoe was found in time and had taken over perfectly. He hoped she wouldn't have to find him and have a word with him, Ethan doubted whether that would go down well. He did say he wasn't feeling too good, so maybe she'd leave him be? Hopefully, anyway.
He closed his eyes and hoped to sleep. No one would disturb him then, and he could at least try and catch up on a few hours of sleep he'd missed. Although you could never technically catch up on sleep - you'd just sleep more - he knew sleeping right now would distract him from the world around him. Maybe the nightmares would leave him be.
It seemed a good day. The sun wasn't at it's highest (it was October, after all), but it was a nice day. Ethan was driving, there weren't many cars around. Thank goodness - if there were, he would have to speed up, and he couldn't right now considering they didn't know where to go. Ethan had suggested using a sat-nav a couple of times, but Queen Connie had declined. Lily was in the back, trying to direct him, but she didn't know where to direct him to.
Should he pull over? Was there any need? He couldn't decide.
Then there was something out of the corner of his eye, a dark object of sorts... it was coming closer... he could do nothing to react... it crashed into them... there were screams... so many screams... then darkness... then the light again.
Suddenly there was someone next to him, telling him that everyone in the car had died. That Cal had died... but Cal wasn't in the car. But he was apparently, maybe Ethan had just forgotten.
Then there were people blaming him... taunting him. He was to blame. He crashed the car and so many people had lost their lives because of it.
He woke up with a start, tears streaming down his face.
Cal wished he'd have gotten away sooner. His patient needed him though, and he had to spend more time with her. When Dixie had approached him expressing concerns about his brother, all Cal wanted to do was run to the staffroom and hold Ethan in his arms. They never usually were very physical with each other, but the day already got off to a bad start on the journey to work, and Cal could barely imagine the state Ethan would be in now. He kept trying to get away from his patient as quickly as possible, and was more than relieved when she was finally discharged and he could check on his brother.
Cal walked swiftly to the staffroom and flung open the door. Ethan appeared to be sleeping peacefully, and Cal allowed his mouth to twitch up into a smile. Ethan thought he didn't notice the sleepless nights, but Cal had heard every whimper, scream, and sob come from his brother's room at night. He was bound to get nightmares, he did last year and it was inevitable they would return on the first anniversary. Cal had considered waking Ethan up, but had learnt from experience that waking someone up during a nightmare would lead them to be confused. It did help to comfort them, but Cal let his brother be. He didn't think Ethan would like the fact Cal knew about the nightmares anyway. There had been a couple of times when Cal had sat on Ethan's bed, soothing his little brother out of the nightmare withiout waking him. It hurt to hear his brother in so much emotional pain but know you couldn't do anything about it.
Then he heard whimpering coming from Ethan.
Cal looked around and shut the staffroom door behind him, before he made his way to kneel beside the couch.
Cal gulped when he noticed the whimpering becoming louder, and Ethan flinching and trembling in his sleep. It was another nightmare. Cal half considered not waking him up, but they were at work, in a not-so-private staffroom. Waking him up would be the best thing.
He stroked his brother's hair off of his sweaty forehead, whispering words of comfort and reassurance to him, making sure he never stopped talking, making sure Ethan would wake up from the clutches of this obviously terrible dream.
What Cal wasn't expecting was the abruptness of which Ethan woke. He sat bolt upright with tears flowing freely out of his eyes.
Cal swiftly sat next to him and brought him into his chest, allowing Ethan to bury his head into Cal's shoulder, sobbing.
"It's okay, Ethan. It was just a dream. You're safe."
"No... but... but... you died... everyone in the car died... I was driving... everyone blamed me... it's my fault Cal!" He cried, stumbling over his words. Cal shook his head in dread. It sounded as if Ethan's real life sadness and guilt decided to present itself in the form of an absolutley awful dream.
"It's alright, Eth. I'm okay, everyone else is okay." He reassured his brother.
Ethan's crying stopped for a second.
"Jeff isn't."
His chat with Cal had been interesting. Once Cal had reassured him that it was only a dream, he had continued to try and take away the guilt and sadness that lingered in Ethan's mind. Ethan just sat in silence for most of it, and Cal had, in the end, given up. Well, he had patients to treat, but Ethan could tell how much Cal was done with him. It had taken so long for Ethan to get back on his feet after the crash, and he was now back at square one... maybe square two (if that even was a thing).
He wished there was a pill. A magic pill that would make everything better. Ethan knew there was no such thing, but he wished, and oh did he wish, there was.
He'd taken to walking around the ED, avoiding Connie and Zoe, but observing the life of a hospital. He'd manage to divert patients that approached him to other people and was just casually strolling around. He'd also managed to miraculously stop crying and make it look like he didn't have the guilt of a thousand men resting on his shoulders.
Ethan had strangely found himself outside of Resus. He was looking in at the patient he had previosuly abandoned. Robyn was taking obs, and she was the only one around.
He really wished she wasn't, and he really wished he wasn't the only one around too.
Mr Davidson's monitors went off - alerting the staff to a grave emergency. Robyn saw Ethan, and Ethan had no choice but to help.