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Coping: Chapter 2- Support

Cal was a liability. He was tripping over trolleys, his hands were shaking when he was examining patients, he looked half-asleep and he kept taking breaks in the staff room. Breaks that would last a lifetime. Zoe didn't just notice that, she also noticed how- in over a week- Cal hadn't gone up to ITU to see Ethan. Of course many other people had, but Cal seemed to be avoiding him at all costs. Someone would bring it up and he'd say, 'I've got to chase those blood results', or, 'I've been away from my patient too long'. Zoe didn't really know why Cal was avoiding Ethan, but she had to find out. Cal was becoming sloppier by the second, and she would have to send him home- somewhere else he was avoiding by doing double shifts.

"Cal, may I have a word in Tess' office?" Zoe asked politely as she passed by Cal- who was furiously tapping away at a computer. It had to be the Nurse Manager's office. Zoe still hadn't taken up the position of Clinical Lead and it felt wrong to be in Connie's office without permission. It almost felt like trespassing.

Cal sighed angrily and nodded, hitting the desk in one last bout of anger before seeming to calm down considerably and follow Zoe to the office in question. He honestly didn't see the reason why he would be 'summoned'- as it were. His job was fine, none of his patients were breeching... wait... what if something bad had happened to Ethan? Oh sh-

"-take a seat Cal." Zoe told him, motioning over to a chair near where Tess was sat. He was never called to two people in charge, unless it was the headmaster and deputy headmistress in school. And, oh boy, did he have a lot of encounters with those people.

However, this wasn't school, so why was Tess there? His worry for his brother soared to record proportions. His brother who wouldn't be in this way if it wasn't for Cal's rubbish skills as a doctor.

Cal slumped down into the chair, nervously bouncing his knees up and down. Zoe and Tess looked at each other before Zoe drew in a breath and started.

"Tess and I have noticed you seem a little... distracted." Her words were slow and laced with worry. Cal felt sick at the suspense. Was that the reason they called him? Because he was 'distracted'? Wow. The ED really was going to the dump without Connie there. "We just wondered if you would benefit from a few days off?" Zoe and Tess waited for an answer, but when there wasn't one forthcoming, Tess spoke.

"You could take the time and be with Ethan." Cal's knees stopped bobbing up and down and his breathing hitched. He looked anywhere but the two people in the room. "We noticed how many shifts you've done, you can't have had much time with him."

"I can't take time off work," Cal's voice was strained with roar emotion and the effort of holding tears at bay. "Connie's dead, Ethan's... " He couldn't bear to say it aloud. "I need to make up for them." Zoe kneeled in front of Cal and placed her first two fingers on his chin- gently bringing his head to look at her.

"Cal, why won't you see Ethan?" She and Tess both knew that was the root cause of his current state. Cal's tears were slowly but steadily making their way down him cheeks, leaving the trace of tears there. His eyes were red already and he was trembling.

"I-I can't. I just, I just can't." Cal whimpered before the last of his strength crumbled and he broke into sobbing, his whole body shaking while he cried. Zoe looked over at Tess, concerned for the doctor, before wrapping her arms around him and bringing him into an uncharacteristically gentle hug.

Zoe could feel every sob, every cry, and every whimper that Cal produced as a result of his utter devastation. It was as if all of his emotions suddenly surfaced and he was letting go of it for the first time since last week. Zoe was rubbing up and down his back comfortingly and he seemed to get calmer with every motion.

Eventually, he pulled away, and wiped his hands quickly over his eyes. "I'm sorry, I-"

"-it doesn't matter, Cal." Tess reassured him sympathetically. "We've all got to let go at one point or another." Cal offered her a small smile- one that failed to reach his eyes and make them glint like his smiles usually seemed to do.

"Cal, this may be a bit of a sensitive issue, but... why can't you see Ethan?" Cal looked like he might burst out crying but miraculously held himself together. He inhaled deeply then blew out the large breath.

"I could have done more." He told them- eyes shining with tears yet to fall. "I could have diagnosed him sooner. I could have saved him. My little brother- the person I'd sworn to protect." He gulped and choked back a sob, wiping his hands over his eyes once again. "I can't see him because it hurts too much. I can't see him because if I do, I'm reminded of how much I messed up. I'm reminded of how bad I am at doing my job." He admitted slowly and carefully- hanging his head to his chest while refusing to look Zoe and Tess in the eye.

There was a few moments silence in he nurse manager's office- something which made Cal mentally debate a few things. The most prominent one came out in words presented to shocked ears. "You agree with me, don't you?" It was a rhetorical question more than anything else, so Cal carried on like he'd had an answer. "No wonder I can't do my job properly now. No wonder you're giving me time off."

"We are giving you time off because you are over-working yourself, Cal. You didn't fail anything. You never failed your brother. We all missed it. To be honest, it's pretty easy to miss. Think about it, Cal. You even incubated your brother! If it came down to me incubating someone close to me I would bottle it straight away. My hands would be shaking too much and I'd let my personal relationship get in the way of professional judgement." Cal looked up at Zoe and gave her a slight smile- making the corner of his mouth twitch upwards. Zoe didn't say anymore after that- she didn't feel the need to. She just hoped Cal got the message.

Cal thought for a few moments. He still felt as guilty as hell, but he did feel better after telling someone. It was like they could understand and help share the burden of it. Obviously Cal didn't want to unload his problems onto them, but they seemed to be the people he could go to in future. "Can I... can I see Ethan?" Zoe and Tess nodded- almost encouraging him. "Can one of you come with me?" He asked hesitantly.

"You go, I need to sort out a few things." Tess told Zoe- who smiled.

Cal was just about to leave the office with Zoe in tow when he turned back around and said, "I don't quite think I can do it alone, yet."

"You don't have to do anything alone if you don't want to." Zoe told him calmly. "We're always here for you."