It was weeks later when I finally decided to go home. Spending that time with Axel had been some of the best of my life…and some of the worst. Beside spending a week in the hospital, I hadn't wanted to go home, because they hadn't found that sick asshole who called himself my father. I was too afraid, if I was going to be honest. Axel had insisted on staying with him, so inviting myself hadn't even been an issue.
He had cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, but he didn't yet know how to respond to the screaming I awoke to after frightening nightmares. He didn't know how to calm my nerves, and… all I could do was cry with the lights on and hug blankets around myself as he held me. Axel was trying his best, but nothing was helping. I met with a therapist, on Axel's request, but she hadn't helped with the reoccurring nightmares or the miserable thoughts I had. It was easy to skim over… for someone on the outside.
School had been a whole other obstacle to climb over. Walking up the front steps made me tremble and the slamming of lockers and "faggot" jokes in the hallways always set me off. Even when they found my "father", nothing stopped, and I felt trapped in my own head, the worst prison to be stuck in… because there was no escape, no matter how good I was, no matter how much time I spent there.
Returning to old habits had come easy once I found the right people. Sure, the alcohol burned at first, but I had grown used to it, just as I had once before. The drugs were new but easy, almost easier than everything else. Everything fell away- the depression, the anxiety, the worry. Nothing really seemed to matter anymore, not even school, which I had stopped going to about two weeks into retrying. I ignored every call from my brother- I already knew what he was going to say to me, and there was no point in listening any more. Axel still came to check on me, offered kisses on my hands and cheeks, but he seemed more distant than ever, or maybe it was me.
Seifer had quickly become one of my better friends, simply because he could supply me with my vices. Hanging out with him and his friends seemed easier than hanging out with my own. The fact that I didn't have to face my own problems made my life seem easier. I could avoid the stress, could avoid the worry. It was all I wanted, and they could give it to me.
I could barely remember the different talks with Axel about my situation; the words flew over my head- in one ear and out the other. It was something that I wasn't used to- at all. Between starting my "rampage" and hitting rock bottom, Axel and I had hooked up many times, had made out and hung out as much as the next couple. Eventually though, despite his effort, we drifted apart, little by little, until he and I were just out of reach of one another.
Remember that "rock bottom" I mentioned? It all caught up with my within a good amount of time. The anxiety attacks returned, even stronger than before. The suicidal thoughts had resurfaced whenever I tried not to drink or smoke. It felt like the world was crumbling at my feet, that the ground would fall away whenever the stickiness of the booze wasn't there to keep it together. The rehab had been a whole other world of its own. Sora had pressed and pressed to do something, and he had won.
The nightmares only got worse, the sweating and crying continued. Nothing ever felt good, nothing felt right- ever. The relapses were harsh. Axel did what he could, always fought beside me, with me, but his will wasn't mine, and it was easy to trip and scrape my elbows and knees along the way.
Eventually, enough of the pieces had come together. The time, the amount of suffering, the abuse… It all piled up into a perfect concoction for him- the devil that haunted my mind. Axel and I had plenty of fights, break-ups- everything… We weren't stable that night… in any form of the word. We weren't anything when "he" came back for me. Axel had been there, simply because all of shared friends had been too.
The plan finally presented itself in the form of a shut off room and a little pill that rendered everything I knew my body to be completely useless.