Marlene McKinnon

February 7th 1980

"…that's Marlene McKinnon, she was killed two weeks after this was taken…"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER FUCKING HERE!" She screamed at him, panting for breath, red in the face, her heart racing, her heart hurting, her head pounding. They were always fighting these days, fighting, fighting, fighting. Things turned ugly this year, the hope they had all had that first year out of Hogwarts was fading fast and things were changing fast. She didn't know who to trust or who was winning but lately this fight felt a lot like losing and she and Sirius had turned on each other. The order meeting today had been wonderful and terrible at once, so many people not there that were last time but also the relief of seeing old friends alive in such uncertain times.

There was a long moment of silence as these thoughts ran through Marlene's head and Sirius stared at her, the same thoughts probably running through his, before, at long last, he sighed. "Fuck this isn't working is it?"

She shook her head, slowly, because she wasn't ready for this to end. Not yet, not when this might be all she was living for. But she couldn't disagree. This wasn't working. They were both too broken and they were gone for too long and it was too hard to do this in the middle of a war. She was a ruin and he was a mess and together it was bound to be harder but that didn't mean it wasn't better because it was better, it was somuch better when she was with Sirius.

"Everything's falling apart." She whispered and suddenly something in her cracked and she was crying, tears spilling down her red cheeks. His arms were around her and she tried to take comfort in that but a terrified voice in her head whispered "for how long."

"We're not." He whispered reassuringly. "We're not falling apart. It's just – hard. We're gonna fix this, we're gonna fix us."

Taking in a deep, if shaky breath, Marlene nodded and waited. He had something to say. They fell into each other's arms whenever it was all too much and there were only three other people that knew him like she did and even on them she had an advantage. She knew when he had a point to make.

"Maybe we should take a break. A week or two, a month at most. Go back to having separate apartments again. Have our own space so we can miss each other again." Sirius looked, anxious, worried, vulnerable, the side of him Marlene only saw on occasion and the side of him she thought she probably ought to see more often. They were in a war and he was regularly fighting his family and she knew it took a toll on him and she knew he shared all this with James. They had been together for nearly three years now but she still tried to avoid crying in front of him and he still to hide the fact that he was a human with all the flaws that come with that. After three years they should be over that but they weren't, not yet.

It was because of this, however, that his vulnerability was able to reassure her. "Alright, two weeks."

"Still owl me, or Lily, when you're going out. Going on a break doesn't mean I don't want to know you're okay." He said in an urgent whisper, kissing her cheek.

She smiled at that, nodding her assent. "You too."

"Of course."

"So – that's it? No contact, except to assure the each other we're alive, for two weeks?" She asked after a moment of silence.

"I think we need a bit of space to react to the ugliness around us without lashing out at one and other." Sirius said, his way of agreeing with her.

"Alright then."

"See you in two weeks." He whispered, and this time he kissed her on the lips.

It would be the last time.

X

February 22nd 1980

"We were on a fucking break." Sirius moaned dejectedly into the pillow of her and James' shitty sofa. "We were on a fucking break and I lost my last two weeks with her."

Lily didn't know what to say. He wasn't wrong. They had been on a break, but honestly she couldn't deny that they had needed it. When things went wrong, or became too much she shoved James against a wall and took her anger out on him that way, or she baked care packages for everyone they knew because if she felt like shit surely they felt like shit. James went flying and spent hours petting their surprisingly cuddly cat. Marlene, Lily's heart clenched at the thought of her friend and she swallowed the lump that had risen in her throat. Marlene and Sirius had lashed out at each other, saying hurtful, cruel, spiteful things just to see a reaction.

She understood the appeal, she and James had done the same thing for years and it was only her understanding that kept her from advising Marlene to end the relationship. But it had been too much, they had become toxic for one and other and yet incapable of being without each other.

They needed the break, but Sirius had lost his last two weeks with Marlene. Tears began to spill out of the corners of Lily's eyes unbidden and she fought back tears.

Marlene, Marlene, Marlene.

Gods, there couldn't be a world without Marlene.

Lily didn't want to live in a world without Marlene. Marlene fucking McKinnon, feisty, fierce and loyal. She loved with all her heart and Lily had loved her right back. A part of her thanked the stars for her time with Marlene, another part screamed at them for taking her away. Marlene McKinnon, Marlene fucking McKinnon. How could she comfort Sirius when she was so broken? How could she tell him Marlene was in a better place when her heart screamed for her best friend? How could she stop Sirius throwing himself at danger? Stop him from dying needlessly? How could she herself go on if Sirius gave up? (And James, oh what would happen to James without Sirius?)

"At least she got three of them when she went." Lily said, finally. It was the smallest comfort, but she knew it would have pleased Marlene to die fighting and to drag some of the bastards who made them warriors instead of people with her.

"Good ole Marlene." Sirius said with a laugh. "Of course she did." But the laugh sounded more like a sob.

A/N: These are all terribly depressing, sorry but I'm far more enamored with the marauders generation and their lives were kind of depressing. Next up: Gideon and Fabian Prewett (spoiler alert: Molly makes an appearance!)