And here is the start of my Merthur oneshot series! A majority of them will be one-shots, but some might even be two or three-shots. All of them will be Merthur, some of them are pre-slash, and some might be songfics or drabbles. Also, all of them are reveal-fics whether you like it or not, and they are all (mostly) different, so be prepared for the onslaught of feels.
Disclaimer: It's probably a good thing that I don't own Merlin.
Merlin sat, shoulders hunched, on the wall of the highest tower. Nobody knew that he was there, but it didn't matter. All that he was doing was sitting and watching the sunrise. It was beautiful: orange and purple and pink and dark purple and yellow. It was tempting to slow down time and savor the moment, but Merlin was tired of it.
He was tired of the magic and the fighting, the secrets and the lies, the death and the loss, the blood and the tears. It was becoming too much to bear alone, so much darkness carried upon one man's shoulders that it threatened to fall off his shoulders and envelop him entirely.
He was tired of carrying the darkness, he was tired of the secrets, he was tired, he was tired of lying to Arthur, he was tired of pretending to be an idiot around Arthur, he was tired, he was tired of pretending Arthur was just his King, he was tired, he was tired, he was tired of the sadness, he was tired, he was tired, he was tired.
He would never take his own life, but at this beautiful moment, his broken soul yearned to feel something besides sadness. All the darkness might not have taken him, but it crushed him, crushed the innocent and naive boy into a weary and hardened man. He felt tired, and could not bring himself to move off the wall, but only to look down the long way.
It was just not fair to Merlin to have to pretend that Arthur didn't mean anything more than a King, let alone a friend, to have to pretend even to Arthur himself. It was unfair to have to pretend to be a useless idiot when he had saved everyone more times than he could count. He didn't want credit, he just wanted to be happy. And when you pretend that you are happy, to paste a smile on your face, all it does is make the frown seem more real. It breaks you inside, and so Merlin was shattered.
The sun was halfway above the horizon now, and the sky had turned more pink and yellow than purple. By this time, George or someone would have already woken Arthur up for a training session even though Merlin should have been there to wake him up and pretend again, but Merlin didn't really care. He sighed. He would have to leave, and soon, but it was tempting just to stay there and let Arthur fend for himself for one day. Just one day for himself, that was all he had wished for for one second, just one had gone by with him wishing for some time for himself, and the gods saw fit to dash those hopes before Merlin could even think with an obnoxious shout of "Merlin!"
Merlin sighed again, and stayed silent. "Where the hell is that useless idi- Merlin!" Arthur's annoying rant turned into a frantic shout, and he desperately ran to where Merlin sat, staring ahead blankly. It occurred to Merlin that to a bystander, it looked like he might get up and jump off the wall. He didn't care. Then, Arthur spoke. "Merlin, what are you doing? Get down from there!" He voice cracked on 'down'.
Merlin didn't turn to look at him. He just continued to stare ahead, but he did reply. "No." The word echoed around the grounds. It sounded empty, hollow, and broken even to Merlin's own ears. Arthur's shoulders fell, and he spoke up again.
"Why? What - what are you doing up here?" If you listened closely, Arthur's voice sounded a little thicker than before. "Please, Merlin."
After a little while, Merlin responded. "I"m tired. I'm tired of everything." His voice took on a bitter note. Arthur looked around, and then hopped up to join Merlin on the wall. He stayed silent for a second, and then:
"What is it that you could be tired of, mucking the stables?" Merlin knew it was a last-ditch attempt at creating a normal conversation, and that Arthur had chosen to say that instead of something more meaningful. Why, though? Was Arthur scared of expressing his feelings? Ashamed? And though Merlin knew Arthur cared, he couldn't help the hurt expression from coming onto his face. After a quick glance, Arthur realized he had made a mistake and said: "I'm sorry." Anybody could tell he meant it.
Merlin sighed. "I'm tired of pretending. I'm pretending now, I've pretended before, I've pretended the very second I first took a breath in this world. I'm not what I say I am, I'm not what I look like, and I'm not what I act like. I-I'm not who I say I am. And the real me doesn't deserve to have a home, or friends, or - or any of this." Merlin's voice became thick as well. "I've done bad things - bad things that shouldn't have had to have been done. Make no mistake, I've done good, a lot more good than bad, but I've done so much bad and seen so much bad that I couldn't change, and it's crushing me Arthur, it's crushing me."
Arthur looked confused, but only said, "Why?" Merlin stretched, and turned away from Arthur.
"Being an all-powerful warlock protecting the King who doesn't know said warlock has such copious amounts of magic is a hard job." At this, Arthur laughed.
"You? A sorcerer? Please, stop joking and come back down to the training grounds, I haven't got time for this." Arthur turned and slid back onto the ground, but Merlin stood up and faced towards Arthur, who had just started to walk away. Arthur stopped and looked back, and watched, horrified, as Merlin looked him in the eyes and fell off the wall. For the second time that day, Arthur screamed, "Merlin!" He rushed to the edge of the wall and watched as Merlin plummeted to the ground at a high speed. He was completely still, his back still to the ground, before lazily flicking his hand in the air and slowing his fall by causing the wind to violently blow upwards beneath him.
With another flick (and now, as Arthur could see) a flash of golden eyes, he came to a complete stop before rising back up to face a speechless King of Camelot. He rose until his feet were level with Arthur's head, and he stood up. He was standing quite steadily on absolutely nothing, his eyes burning a brilliant gold.
Arthur, eyes wide and mouth hanging open, slowly inclined his head to stare into Merlin's eyes. He saw a pure, almost natural-looking gold that shone bright like the rising sun. Merlin's gaze averted down, and for the first time in a long time, he cried. He cried two tears, tears that were carefully woven with gold, before walking on the air back to the wall and sitting back down with his head in his hands.
He started to speak again without looking up. "I'm the most powerful warlock of all time, Arthur." He said, with a hint of laughter in his voice.
Arthur, who had been pointedly staring at the ground, brought his gaze up to Merlin. He looked at his broken, perfect Merlin, and in a shuddering and bitter voice he muttered, "You lied to me." Merlin didn't look up. In an ever-rising voice, Arthur continued. "You lied. I thought you cared about Camelot, about us, about me!" At this Merlin did look up, angry.
"Oh I care, Arthur. I care just as much as you do. It is my destiny to protect Albion and its people, to protect you! You are the Once and Future King and I'm Emrys!" Arthur stepped back, the anger shocked off his face.
"I-I'm the Once and Future King?" He asked shakily. "And you're - you're Emrys?" Merlin nodded, his expression a bit less angry and sad. "That's - that's - wow! Oh my -" Arthur put his hands in his hair and laughed. "Geoffrey has told me the stories - we're to unite Albion, then - and you're - you're Emrys! Loyal to Camelot, loyal to me!" He laughed again, and then his expression became a bit stern. "You're going to have to tell me everything, but - wow!"
Merlin cracked a small smile, and let the happiness fill him up, like cider. It bubbled up inside of him, lifting the darkness up and off his shoulders, banishing the sadness and the misery until all that was left was glee. Arthur - Arthur accepted him and his powers! Arthur loved him for who he was, even though he truly knew who Merlin was! He couldn't contain his signature toothy grin that felt real for the first time in a long while. It spread across his face until it couldn't spread any wider.
He thought everything was the best it could be, but that thought changed when Arthur quickly came in and enveloped him in a hug as fast as he could. As Arthur hugged him tight, it occurred to Merlin that it wasn't forced or half-hearted, but real and happy and... and loving. Merlin's heart pounded as Arthur pulled back to look at him, before a determined look came over his face and he quickly leaned in and pressed his mouth against Merlin's.
Their hands unwrapped themselves from each other's backs and Merlin put his hands on Arthur's neck, and Arthur put his on the back of Merlin's head and pulled him closer. Eventually, they came apart before hugging again. Arthur sat back on the wall,and then Merlin followed. They sat, their fingers lightly wrapped around each other's, watching the sun as it broke through the horizon and began its daily cycle. They waited like that for a while before Arthur broke the silence.
"Don't scare me like that again, Merlin. I can't lose you."