Hey! This is one of my sadder fics, so if you get really feels-y about this, grab a tissue box. Anyway, here is the essential information on the fic.
Pairings: Merthur, pre-slash but getting pretty close
Length: One-shot
Characters: Mostly Arthur, Merlin, Lancelot, and the rest of the knights
Summary: Arthur and his knights go out to collect the bodies of the hostages from Cenred's kidnapping plan, but something that happens leaves everyone in the group grieving.
Disclaimer: Merlin isn't mine. I would do something funny for the disclaimer, but with this fic I just can't. *runs away crying*
It had started out as a patrol. As it always did. Cenred's men had threatened to kill the hostages, some commoners from the lower town. Cenred had obviously expected Arthur to go and rescue them, but Uther had forbidden Arthur to go put himself in danger for the innocents, the people who didn't deserve to die. And now? Because of Uther's cruelty, Arthur was left patrolling the area that Cenred had left the twenty-something hostages, looking for survivors (of which there were none).
It was grim work, something that shouldn't have had to have been done. Arthur glanced up for a second, shooting Lancelot a sad look. The expression spread to the faces of Gwaine, Elyan, Leon, and Percival. So many innocents dead, denied their freedom and their right to live by their own king. Killed because Arthur had failed to sneak away and save them. With grim determination, Arthur knew that things would be different when he was King. His citizens would feel safe in their own kingdom, their children happy and healthy, and his own friends would be protect-ed... who was that in the jacket?
Nobody had turned them over yet. Arthur headed over a couple of feet to the body in the brown jacket, knelt down, and turned him over, and... oh gods, no. No! A painfully familiar ebony face with black hair and blue eyes that was drooping closed was staring back up at him. No! Merlin! Arthur kept holding him, frantic, looking for signs of life, before realizing that he had shouted Merlin's name aloud. All the knights dropped what they were doing and sprinted to where Arthur sat, holding the body of his best friend.
There was total silence for a second, before a shuddering "No," came from Gwaine. "This - this can't be... this can't be real..." Lancelot had long since dropped to Merlin's side, holding his wrist and searching desperately for a pulse. Leon, Percival, Elyan, and Gwaine soon joined him, checking his neck and chest or putting their ear to his stomach to see if he was breathing, or simply holding his hand. Arthur moved from holding Merlin's shoulders and went to his head. He held Merlin's face, and pressed their foreheads together. "Stay with me," he whispered.
Lancelot looked up and yelled, "He's got a pulse!" Arthur stared at Merlin's face, whispering again, "Stay - with - me, Merlin. Please." All was quiet for a moment, before a small, rasping breath filled the silence. Everyone's head snapped towards Merlin's face, where two eyelids were fluttering dully.
"Merlin!" Leon cried, relieved. "You're alive!" Merlin smiled sadly and replied softly, "Not for long, I'm afraid." All drew back for a second. Merlin tilted his head a millimeter towards Lancelot, giving a grunt of pain at the movement. "Lancelot - thank you - for being such - a great friend. Once - I'm gone - tell everyone my - my story. Please." Lancelot nodded grimly, but the others looked confused.
Merlin turned again to Gwaine, giving another small groan. "Live a - good life, Gwaine. It's -" he grunted - "What I - would want." Gwaine nodded, but his eyes looked lost. Then, he addressed Leon, Elyan, and Percival. "K-keep Arthur safe for me, will - you? And - and live good lives. It's - the least you - deserve." They nodded as well. "And all of you - t-tell my mother, Gwen, and Gaius goodbye for me, and tell them that I l-love them." Tears glistened in everyone's eyes as they nodded slowly. Arthur felt a growing sense of dread as Merlin finally tilted his head in his direction and began to speak.
"Remember this, Arthur. Everything I've done here has been for you - and - for - Camelot. You are my best friend and I'd never - hurt - you. And don't trust Morgana: she - isn't who - you think she is. But do me a favor, please. W-when you are King - bring magic back - to Camelot. I know you - will be a - good King, too. I just wish I - could've - been there to see - it." Merlin took a shuddering gasp. "My - my time is - almost - up. Goodbye, Arthur, I - Arthur, I love..." Merlin's voice trailed off, and letting out a final sigh, he shut his eyes. He did not open them again.
Arthur drew back, unsure of what to do with himself. He gazed at his best friend, almost disbelieving. "Merlin?" He whispered. "Merlin?" he said again, louder this time. Everyone's faces were full of shock. "Merlin!" he screamed. "Come back!" he yelled, his voice cracking. Arthur fell to the ground, his cheek touching the dirt. His dirty and now tear-streaked face was face Merlin's pale, blank face. "Come back." He cried weakly. Gwaine's eyes were now filled with tears as well, and he leaned over Merlin's chest, dry and raking sobs heaving his body up and down.
Arthur started to tremble, vibrating without control. His breathing became quick and shallow as he frantically looked over Merlin's body. He drew himself closer to Merlin, now panicking. "Please. Please!" He rasped, his shallow breathing sounding more like sobs. Arthur laid his hand on top of Merlin's, shaking all the while. "Merlin!" He screamed towards the sky.
Lancelot was crying now as well, his shaking hands raking through his hair. Percival was still on his knees, tears falling slowly down his face but unmoving. Elyan had his head in his hands and was curled up into a ball, completely silent. Leon was holding onto Merlin's wrist, shocked and breaking. But it was nothing compared to Arthur.
He was shattered into a million pieces, and it took everything that was left of him not to cry out in agony. He put one of his hands on the small of Merlin's back, and the other on the back of his head, and sat up as he hugged Merlin's cold body to his chest and sobbed. Forget - he forgot all he knew, all except for Merlin, his dead Merlin, his perfect Merlin, and he rocked back and forth with his best friend, his dead best friend in his arms. How could he have been so stupid?
How could he not have known something was wrong when Merlin had gone missing?
Why?
Why had he let his father sign off so many innocents, including the man he cared about more than he could say?
Why?
Arthur released it, crying out. The noise hurt his throat, but he did not care in the slightest. He was vaguely aware of the others at his side, crying as well, and then them gently taking Merlin from him dragging the two of them apart putting Merlin on a cart for the dead covering him with a white cloth placing Arthur on a horse in front but Arthur jumped off the horse ripped the sheet off Merlin picked him up walked back to Camelot holding Merlin bridal style, his dead Merlin.
He walked all night, with the others dragging the cart behind.
The morning was gray and dark. Their arrival in Camelot was soon after the sun had risen, but it was no better than the night. The gates were opened, where many were in the market or waiting to see what had become of their loved ones kidnapped. But upon seeing the blank, grieving face of the Crown Prince and the man many had come to know as Merlin, kind, generous, brave Merlin, dead in his arms, the crowd parted quickly without coming to the cart.
As soon as they reached the castle, Gwen came out to greet them, racing down the steps. She wasn't smiling, but she was glad to see them until she saw who was in Arthur's arms. She squinted, slowing her run, and raised a hand to her mouth, and then ran down to the faster, gasping as she arrived at the foot of the stairs. She looked up at Arthur, who had stopped walking and looked empty. "What happened?" She breathed, but Arthur shook his head and looked down, starting to cry again. The only other answer were the hard, ashen, and tear-streaked faces of the Knights.
Gwen put a hand to her mouth again, and looked down as tears began to make their way down her face. Arthur looked at her and numbly murmured, "Merlin said that he loves you and... and goodbye." His voice cracked on 'goodbye'. Gwen nodded, knowing what Merlin meant, and let out a sob as she went to her knees. Arthur followed, laying him down gently onto the cobblestones. He let out another sob as well. "Merlin - was the best - the best man I ever knew." Gwen looked up at him, the tears falling. "I'll - I'll miss - h-h-im." He had never sounded so vulnerable. Finally, he gave in and collapsed to the ground in front of Merlin, sobbing and raking his hands through his hair. He struck his fist hard on the ground, causing it to break open and bleed, but he gave it no attention.
Gwen cried silently, her breaths short and shuddering. They mourned for a while, just crying, as the Knights joined them and cried as well for the man they had lost: the funny, clumsy little brother for whom they had all had much affection; the sweet, caring, generous giver who always put others before himself; the wise, level-headed, strong-willed advisor who never failed to tell Arthur what he thought; the selfless, strong, brave man... Merlin.
It was a long while before any of them shakily stood up and went to tell Gaius the bad news.
Two days. That was how long it had been since Merlin had died. And in the one and half days Arthur had been home, he had barely left his room. He sat in his chair, refusing to do anything but stare at the person across from him who would sit and cry with him. And now, he was in that chair, waiting as Lancelot attempted to put himself back together enough so that he could tell everyone else Merlin's story.
After a few minutes, Lancelot was finally able to say, "Merlin - he wasn't exactly who you thought he was. H-he was the bravest of us all and none of even knew. He had a big secret, s-something that made him extraordinary when he looked ordinary. M-Merlin was... he was the most powerful sorcerer of all time."
Arthur blinked. "What?"
"They called him Emrys. He - he was born with magic because he was destined to protect you and Camelot." Arthur had his head in his hands. Merlin's mysterious last words to him made so much more sense now.
Gwaine blanched. "Merlin?"
Lancelot nodded. "I only knew because of an accident. But he did ask me to tell you his story, because he told me of everything he did. And it is quite a long story, so I'll s-see what I remember." And with that, Lancelot started off before any of his shell-shocked friends could interrupt. It was a long story, so Lancelot didn't remember perfectly, but he got in all of the important details. Nobody uttered a word throughout the entire thing, but Arthur could not stop his quiet tears from falling.
How many times had Merlin felt pain like this, the terrible pain of feeling like a whole part of your world was missing, with nobody else to shoulder it? And how many times had that pain been of his own doing? All he could do was keep his head in his hands and listen to the great and terrible story of his brave Merlin. And once he had heard it all, he could not bring himself to hate this one so very magical being - he could only love him more.
The others sat in their chairs, quietly asking Lancelot questions when something suddenly occurred to Arthur. "Wait." Arthur's voice was shaky. "Why do they call him Emrys? What does Emrys mean?" Arthur looked around helplessly as everyone shrugged. "Anyone know?"
Leon stared at everyone else expectantly, and then sighed before guiltily turning to Arthur and fixing him with a sympathetic stare. "Arthur, you have to let it go. It'll only make it harder. You have to let - Merlin -" He said his name tentatively - "Go." Unable to speak, overtaken by a wave of emotion, Arthur only shook his head. How could he let go? How could he let go of - god dammit - the man he loved?
Lancelot made a move to leave. Arthur looked up confusedly at him, and said, "Where are you going?" Lancelot looked at him kindly, and replied, "To Gaius. He'll have answers." Before anyone could object, Arthur joined him and they were out the door. It was a silent walk, just racing to get answers. Arthur pointedly ignored the pitying and confused glances he received from servants and guards passing: he knew he had not been in the public eye since... the incident, but it didn't matter that people were staring. There was no stopping him... but apparently there was delaying him.
A few guards grabbed his arm and half-dragged him, despite his protests, to the throne room, where he was quickly shoved inside and the doors locked behind him. His father stood by the throne, looking angry, but there were traces of worry and curiosity. Uther made a small step forward and asked, "Why did you not report to me as soon as you arrived? It is unlike you to forget such an important matter such as this." Once finished, he strode forward, carefully observing his son's blank, miserable features.
Arthur answered him in a hollow voice. "One of those who was kidnapped by Cenred was my best friend. He... he died in my arms." Uther did not seemed concerned that Arthur's best friend had died, but was a bit fazed by the fact that he had a best friend.
"Best friend? One of the Knights?" Uther pronounced incredulously. Arthur shook his head.
"My - my servant, Merlin." Uther, upon hearing this, shook his head and put his hands to his temples.
"A servant?" Arthur turned away. "You can't have the people see you befriending mere servants. It is probably for the best that he is dead, now." Arthur looked back at his father with a mutinous expression on his face and stomped closer to where Uther stood.
"Merlin was the best and bravest man I ever knew. He saved my life so many times, so, so many times, but never asked for recognition. He was kind, and funny, and treated me like a friend, which I needed badly when I first met him! Merlin was wise, and smart, and only ever wanted the best for Camelot! He has even saved you, and all of Camelot many times over! Merlin deserves to be honored in death the way he wasn't in life, because it's the best I can do for him now." His voice cracked at the end.
Uther looked shocked, but he soon covered his expression with his mask and turned away angrily and said, "Give him a hero's funeral if you want, anything to make you drop this matter." Arthur scowled and banged on the door until the guard let him out, and then stalked down the hallway to where Lancelot stood waiting.
"You alright?" Arthur nodded, and they continued on their way. When they arrived at the physician's quarters, Arthur knocked, but there was no reply. He knocked again after a minute, and when yet again there was no reply, he opened the door and entered. The room seemed to be untouched, as if no work had been done the past few days. Gaius was sitting on his bed, facing the window. As Arthur approached, Gaius did not move.
Arthur and Lancelot sat across from the old man who looked as if he had aged ten years in the short amount of time it had been since they had last seen him. They stayed silent for a moment before Lancelot piped up. "What did the name Emrys mean?" If Gaius looked surprised at the question, he did not show it.
"I do not know what Emrys means, only that it was one of Merlin's names. If you want to know, look through the books of the Old Religion in the library, the ones Uther did not find. Perhaps they could give you some information. For now, please leave me be."
Arthur and Lancelot nodded sadly, heading to the library after thanking Gaius. Geoffrey seemed very surprised that the two men were there, and was further shocked when asked for some certain books. After a couple minutes of hasty questions and answers, they were led to an area in some distant part of the library and left there to sort through a variety of old tomes and volumes full of things they didn't understand.
After three hours of searching, Gwaine joined them, asking a multitude of questions. "Why are you doing this?" Arthur ignored him and kept flipping through the dusty pages. "Why are you so curious about the meaning of Emrys?" Arthur closed his eyes for a second and kept reading. "Maybe you should just -" but Arthur shut his book loudly and gave Gwaine a pained expression.
"I'm doing this because I know nothing about Merlin and his life. I never asked about Merlin or showed any interest in his personal life. I never gave him a good reason to trust me with his secret, so now I feel like if I learn more about him and discover everything he did for us and what he was to the world, I can at least honor his memory." And with that, he opened his book back up to a new page, leaving Gwaine and Lancelot lost for words.
They read until the early morning, with the candles they had re-lit over and over again burning low. But their effort was fruitless: they hardly knew anything more than when they had started. Arthur was about to give up when a voice behind him spoke up. "For future reference, Emrys means immortal." And with hope filling the hole in his chest, Arthur turned and saw the person whom he cared about more than anything, the one he had lost. Merlin.
Arthur knocked his chair over and ran to Merlin, throwing his arms around his and burying his head in Merlin's shoulder, smiling and sobbing at the same time. "Merlin," he whispered. "I love you too."