thanks so much for the reviews, follows, and favorites! you guys really are the best! :) :) thought up this short while i was re-reading some old ones...since the last two have been lighter/more fun i decided to get back to a serious one

Summary: What really pushed Alexia to finally send the papers.

Can't Do This

2009

"You're making it sound like I want to go," Steve told Alexia the night after Thanksgiving. He had just got back the day before, surprising his girls at John's home. Now, he already had to leave again. He already tucked each of his daughters in, saying goodbye to them individually. Lucy teared up and squeezed him tight; Julia turned over away from him and muttered that she loved him.

"No body made you join," she grumbled to herself; he saw where Julia got it from, not that any of them didn't have a reason to be upset that he was so absent.

"It's not going to be for much longer," he assured her.

"Can you give me a date?" Alexia raised her eye brows; he didn't respond. "Ok then." She handed him a plastic bag full of left overs. "Have a safe trip," she kissed him once. "Love you."

"Hey," Steve stopped her on the stairs. "I'm gonna fix it."

"Ok," she nodded though she didn't believe him as she went upstairs to their room and closed the door. She sat on their bed alone, letting out a deep breath as she laid down and tried to clear her mind, falling asleep easier than she had in who knew how long.

Steve had made a mistake.

He told Alexia where he was going, maybe in an attempt to appease her. While she would still be worried about him being gone, she would at least not have to wonder what part of the world he was in. That, however, was a massive mistake as she was watching the news that morning. There was an attack the previous night, a bombing specifically. Normally the news would make her feel sick, but knowing that it was where Steve was supposed to be actually made her vomit in the trash can.

She sent Julia to school still, calling off of work as she walked Lucy over to a neighbor's home. After that, she just sat on the couch for hours; it felt like days. They said it was a tragedy. They said that a lot of people died, but not everyone there. They said they weren't releasing the names yet, though she continued to stare at the tv like it would give her answers before someone came to her door.

"Hello?" Danny answered his phone in confusion.

"Um, hey," Alexia said. She had just met Grace's dad a few weeks before at dance, after she had gotten into the argument on the phone with Steve in the parking long. "It's Lex, Julia and Lucy's mom?"

"Oh, hey," Danny nodded.

"I got your number off the parent list," she explained. "Could you do me a huge favor?"

"What's wrong?" he asked in concern.

She had him picking up her girls to take to stay at his house for now with Grace. Until she had actual answers she wasn't fit to be around; she didn't want her daughters to see her like this. She only passed out that night due to pure exhaustion, though she was in her same spot on the couch she had been in for nearly sixteen hours. It wasn't a very deep or restful sleep though, the knock on the door waking her. She rushed over, hoping that when she pulled it open Steve would be on the other side.

But it was Nick, looking like he had been through hell and back.

"Oh my God," Alexia gasped as she collapsed against him, sobbing.

Alexia sat up that night gasping. As a reflex, she looked over next to her, but she remembered that Steve wouldn't be there. While she had this nightmare before, it seemed even worse than usual; her chest was tight, she felt like she couldn't breathe, causing her to reach for her phone. She tried Steve first but of course there was no answer. Next, she dialed a number of someone she knew would understand. Glancing at the clock, she saw that it was three in the morning; it would be eight where she was calling.

"Hello?" Denise, Nick's wife, answered the phone. "Lex, what's going on? What time is it there?" Hearing Denise's voice, Alexia started sobbing. "What's going on? Do you know something I don't?" Denise asked, not meaning to snap, but Alexia was freaking her out.

"No, no," Alexia said. "I...I had the nightmare again." Denise has a very similar nightmare, though it was Steve that showed up at her door. Both women started having these dreams right around the time Nate died.

"Oh God," Denise sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Honey, I'm so sorry. Did you try Steve?"

"No answer," Alexia said between tears. "Dee, I don't think I can do this anymore."

"You don't mean that," Denise insisted. "Look, Lex, you're scared. Go back to sleep and call me in a few hours ok?"

"I'm serious," Alexia insisted. "I can't do this anymore, I can't be a military wife anymore. With not talking to him for weeks and not knowing where he's sleeping tonight and wondering if the next attack is going to be on-" She was pacing her room but stopped dead in her tracks when she saw her bedroom door had been opened. Shit, she thought to herself.

"I have to call you back Dee," Alexia said, hanging up quickly, tossing the phone on her bed before wiping quickly at her eyes. "What are you doing out of bed baby?" she asked Julia.

"I heard you," Julia told her. And it wasn't the first time she had heard Alexia cry at night; that was mostly why she was always so angry at her dad.

"You wanna sleep in here?" Alexia asked; Julia shook her head. "Me either," Alexia sighed. "C'mon, let's get you back to bed."

"Will you stay?" Julia asked as she got to her room.

"Sure," Alexia nodded, laying next to Julia. They were quiet awhile and Alexia hoped Julia had fallen back asleep; then she heard her sniffling.

"I'm really scared mom," Julia said, latching on to her.

"I know baby," Alexia assured her, kissing her head. "I know." It wasn't any use to pretend she wasn't scared too, which she felt bad because that had to magnify her daughter's fear.

"Where are you going?" John was asking Alexia. It was Saturday afternoon, with her dropping the girls off there for the day, saying she had errands to run but she wasn't very specific.

"I have some things to take care of," she said again vaguely, heading outside but he followed her on to the porch.

"You weren't the only one making late night phone calls last night," John told her. Alexia realized that while she used her cell phone it left the house phone wide open for use. "Julia called me and asked what she should do because she heard you crying again." He paused, looking her over. "She told me what you said."

"Are you surprised?" Alexia asked; John was quiet.

"No," he told her honestly.

"I know I don't get to ask you for favors right now," she said now, since they both knew she was going to see a divorce lawyer. "But, it has to come from me, he can't hear it from anyone else."

"I know," he nodded.

"I'm really sorry John," she said quietly before leaving.

"I am too," he told her as she left.

thanks for reading! hope you liked it, let me know what you thought! more soon! :)