RIVALS

by BlackStreak1

The rivalry between Ben and Ricky has always been one sided with Ricky as the victor. But Ben found triumph in being a loser, and now the rivalry will be put to the final challenge who will come out as the final victor. But perhaps there never needed to be a winner. Leo realized that, but now that he is gone will Ricky or Ben realize they wasted their time.

9. Chapter 9

The Secret Life of the American Teenager is a product of ABCFAMILY and Brenda Hampton. The Characters and story are her's, but the plot and this story is mine.

WHITE FLAG

Authors' Note: Sorry for the extremely long wait. I was hoping to finsih befor the summer ended or even began, but "The best laid plans of mice and men".

Adrian took Ben's package and unwrapped it in her office she marveled at the detail Ben paid to pasting the pictures of she, Ben, Ricky, Jack, Grace, and Ashley on the front cover. She then opened the journal, and read the inscription inside which was a message to Ben from his mom.

To my Little Puppy, I know you don't like me calling you that but I can't help myself. You were my little miracle and I will always think of you like that. I am leaving you this book because my parent's never left one for you, and I didn't either. I wish I could be there Benji to see you grow up and become a strong handsome man, and to start a family of your own, but I guess it was not meant to be. I hope you are there to see your grandchildren and get to know them, unlike my parent's were not there to know you, and unfortunately I am not able to do so either.

This book is a journal, not a diary since diaries are for girls', but it doesn't matter in my opinion. I am giving this to you so you can write down your life and all the experiences you have had, and all the people you have met. This journal will allow you to show your children, and theirs the type of person you were, and the man you are. The experiences you have had, and the people you have met. I don't want you to have children or grandchildren who are left to wonder about the man you are or were, as you are left with. I know your father will do his best to guide you, but I also know your father, wants to alway's protect you, unlike he I know that he can't protect you from everything because even he has his own flaws. I know that you will be a good man, because I see it in you just like I see it in your father. I will alway's love you and be proud of you Ben.

Your Mom, Sarah Helen Boykewich

P. S. Tell the girl that is lucky enough to marry you I'm sorry we never got a chance to meet, but I hope she knows just how luck she is, but she probably already knows.

Adrian shed a small tear, and felt sad and guilty as she read that. She remembered how lucky she did feel to be married to Ben that day ten years ago, and how happy she was as bEN not being very strong picked her up and carried her over the mantle to their home. She wondered where he got the strenghth to do that especially since she was eight and half mont's pregnant at the time. She then began to read the journal of Ben's life from age eleven and up. Adrian even took three days off work to read Ben's journal.

Like all those who read it before her she felt sad, and shocked at all Ben had both done, accepted, and endured growing up. She once felt as though that being divorced from Ben was better than them being married, but she never imagined that their divorce caused Ben not only pain, but misery as well. She alway's assumed that Ben was popular, but what she read revealed she was far from the truth.

Ben was always looked upon as no more than a rich geek, and his nickname the "Sausage Prince" was actually given to him in ridicule. She always felt as though Ricky would face some shame from what happened between all of them, but it was really Ben that faced the shame of all of their actions.

In school her being the school slut and getting pregnant by Ben was actually harmful to both of them. Many regarded both she and Amy as know more than gold diggers, and Ricky as a con man or player. But Ben was regarded as a fool, and their first night together the night they spent in the car although regarded by others' as his downfall he didn't. His journal revealed that he never felt happier in that one night with anyone, and according to Ben's journal, he had been with several women after.

Ben actually kept a list and details of all the women he slept with inside his journal. The list even had pictures of the women he slept with included the one night stands. Ben had taken their pictures with his phone, and he kept their phone number's or email addresses as contact information to ensure he could still get in contact with them.

Seeing this upset Adrian because she also had a list of men she slept with and Ben's list far outshined her's, but she remembered that only five of the men on that list meant anything to her. She also hated that it was less than half as long as Ben's. Desptie the fact that many called her the school slut Adrian had only slept with 24 men, and no more. She was happy that after her divorce from Omar last year she decided to put her life into priority.

But, from what Ben wrote in his journal leaving is how he put his life into priority as well. Ben had waisted a lot of time and energy helping not just her, but many other's as well. She knew that Ben had become friends with another girl pregnant like she was, Heather was her name. But, Ben also helped her deal with her situation by getting her involved with a program that he convinced his father to start up in the school. Adrian herself had been to the program when she was pregnant, but only once because she had Ben, and her family.

The program was set up at a local clinic that helped teenager's adjust to being pregnant in highschool, by pairing them with adults' who had been through the same ordeal. She also discovered that Ben even helped the young girl into a student welfare program, and get an after school job at his dad's company. She gave birth two month's after she met Ben, and had a little boy that she named after him. She smiled and laughed because Ben never told Henry and Alice that their son was not the first Ben. Heather however gave her son up for adoption, and took the G.E.D. to finish out of school. She then joined the National Guard, and continued to keep in contact with Ben for a while.

Ben was also bullied and teased for how both of his relationships ended with both she and Amy. Girl's would pick on him and offer to date him if he would give them money, and places to stay like his dad had done for both she and Ricky. Adrian cried at this since she felt guilty for having accepted so much from Ben, and never realising what it really cost him. She never even gave thought to how Omar being a teacher and her boyfriend living with her would make Ben look to others.

Having Ben see the man that was with his former wife living in the home they once shared with absolutley no guilt on his face. Adrian was shocked at this since Omar gave no indication that Ben was going through any of this. But then again she remembered that Omar didn't tell her alot of things, or cared much for Ben or liked him. Adrian realized that Omar was like Ricky in that respect. Neither cared that Ben's family was the one who footed the bill for their comfort. It didn't really become a problem until she started using that advantage to make her case point in their relationship.

Adrian read that when he left home and moved to Canada, Ben started completely over, and never liked to reveal who he was unless it worked in his favor. She read that Eli and Marcus never even knew that his father was a famous entreprenuer until their freshmen year of college ended, and Ben didn't go home for summer.

She remembered herself on several occassions she tried to contact Ben, but was usually told he was busy, or pre-occupied. She tried once to visit him while Omar was going to be in Vancouver, but Leo was told by Ben specifically not to give his home address to anyone. She hated that, knowing that Ben was keeping himself away from everyone, now it made her hate herself to know the real reason why.

As she continued to read she came to a part where she saw that Ben allowed Chloe to visit him in Canada, and it was during this visit she discovered his journal, and read it without his permission. Adrian remembered that trip, mainly because Chloe and the others' were somewhat friends before her visit. But after her visit with Ben, Chloe began to distance herself from them, and began to look at them with scorn. Adrian understood now why Chloe was angry at them. She blamed them for how her brother had suffered, and she specifically singled out, she, Ricky, and Amy. She blamed them the most for her brother's misery, and his desire to stay away.

Adrian felt bad, because she couldn't deny that she and Amy did in a way use Ben. Both needed someone to love them, but neither realized that Ben needed that same love. In a way she felt that Mercy died because they were wrong together, she came to that decision during her grief. After Ben's outburst in the nursery she felt he didn't love her, so she didn't want him. But she never really understood what Ben was going through, or how Ben never really greived for their daughter because he was always trying to care for her. She realized Ben's outburst in the nursery was just that his grief finally boiling over.

She remembered the anger, the sadness, and hurt in his eyes. She remembered it was the same look Ricky gave her when he told her about what his father did to him. She wanted to ease his pain and take it away, but she didn't feel that way for Ben. Instead she added to that pain, by telling him she didn't want him, she wanted Ricky. As Adrian finished reading she felt now that she didn't deserve a second chance with Ben. Too much time, too many mistakes, and too much pain had passed into him for her to feel as if she could fix all of that.

But it was Ben's later entry that made her truly want to cry.

October 18, 2020

My dad died today, and I wasn't around. I am now truly alone in the world. I wish I could feel sad about that but I can't. I love my dad, I think? But he and I haven't been close to one another for years. I know that it is my fault, but he made his choice, and like everyone else he chose Ricky. I just couldn't stay in Glenn Valley anymore. Seeing everyone have a happy life, while I was miseralbe. I sometimes think that it's not fair I was the one who was there for Amy, when she was pregnant, but Ricky gets the reward. He did nothing, but play games with both me, Adrian, Amy, John, and everyone else while I spent all nine of those months suffering for them. He's John's father so I stepped down, and let him take everything that I worked for. Amy didn't even want him at the hospital, but I was the one that made Amy call him so he could be there for his son.

It wasn't right that I had to lose her after how much we meant to each other. But the love we had was just a lie. I loved her but her love for me was only her thinking she should love me because of what I did for her. I guess that's why I never slept with her, I wanted her, I cared about her, but I knew she didn't feel the same way. I knew that it wouldn't be right. The fact she tried to use sex as a way to let her move in with me and my dad was proof of that. I always knew Adrian was right that Amy was only using me.

Adrian? To this day I hate to admit the truth about why I slept with her. I hate that I found her so captivating from the very first day I saw her. I hate that I don't regret losing my virginity to her. I hate that I don't regret getting her pregnant. I hate that I was happy when we were together. I hate that I couldn't hate her for sleeping with Henry. I hate that I hate myself for falling in love with her. I hate myself for losing her. I hate myself for sleeping with Alice to get back at Henry for what he did with her. I hate myself for having to watch her be everything to everyone else, but me. I don't understand why I do all the work, and the next guy get's the reward.

I had to leave that town, those people. There was nothing there for me, not anymore. I sometimes wonder if there ever really was anything there for me. I remember when I left, Adrian called to congratulate me, and let me know how she was going to New York with that asshole Omar. I hated that she cared so much more about him than she ever did about me. I guess it's because he's attractive, black, older, and a self made millionaire. All I ever had back then was a very big penis. (Adrian laughed at this, but she couldn't deny it was the biggest she had ever had. Ricky/Omar could not compare with Ben on that level.)

Why do I even care? I remember going to pick up food at the Buger Shack and seeing all six of them there Ricky, Amy, Adrian, Omar, Jack, and Grace. All having a good time laughing and having fun , and talking together, as if I never existed or even mattered. I saw Alice and Henry there also on a date trying to get back together. It was then that I realized I wasn't important to any of them. They all used me, and after I was no longer useful I was no longer a thought to either. I remember going back home and looking through the window to see Dad, Camille, and Chloe playing a game inside, looking like a real family.

I felt as though I was a stranger, or an outsider imposing on them. I realized I wasn't needed there either, so I went to the one place where I did feel needed, the grave yard. It's funny how it was at night, and I wasn't scared as I tracked over all those graves to find mom, and Mercy to see the roses I had left weeks prior were still in bloom. I stood there and actually wished that I was there lying there dead with them.

I felt angry that day at everyone. I was mad at my father for saying how much he loved my mother, but not even he had been to her grave since he found Camille. I was angry at Adrian for grieving for Mercy for months', but never once going to her grave. But, there I was standing over them missing them, remembering them, mourning them. I realized then that they were the only people that loved me, or even cared. They would have been the only reason I would have stayed, but they were gone.

I was there alone, greiving for my mother and daughter, and none of them were there to help me grieve. Out of all I have done and sacrificed for them, and all I did to help them they didn't give a damn about helping me at all. I didn't matter to any of them any longer so why should I waste my time there. So I looked into school's in Canada which is where my Great Grandfather on my mother's side came from Benjamen St. Helen, and moved to Vancouver. That is how I ended up here today, with my own company, and my own life separate from all of those who found me so easily replaceable once I was no longer needed.

Now with my dad gone, I no longer have a reason to ever go back there. I will visit Chloe, and Camille, but I no longer have any ties to that place. The company can be given to Ricky, it's not like I ever wanted it. He always thought I was a loser, and failure when he my dad and Amy dictate his life to him. I probably have had sex with twice as many women as he did, and I didn't need to say I love yo, or manipulate anyone to do it. For all those that preached about his greatness I have no doubt he would have never made it without any of them cheering him on.

I made it on my own in spite of them. I built my own company with my own hand like my father, and grandfather's before me. I know just like he knows he could never do that. He would always need someone to give him everything. No matter what people think about saying how much a hard worker he is, I know the truth and so does he. I will always wonder what would have happened to them if I wouldn't have been there when they needed me.

For everything he has no one realizes I was the one who gave it to him. When Amy was pregnant by him, he passed the buck so he could fuck around. He didn't make sacrifices and suffer for John or Amy I did. All he did was whine about how his dad touched him, and use it to excuse everything he did to others. I wonder what would he do if he only knew how others who went through what he went through despise him.

For all of those who spoke against me I wonder did anyone ever realize he didn't even try to be with Amy until after I got Adrian pregnant. He was such a coward and she is such a hypocrite. He could only be with Amy by making sure I hadn't of done something to fuck up, and she didn't have the fortitude to go through exactly what she put me through.

But that night with Adrian might have been my mistake, but it should have been my wake up call to realize Amy and I were wrong for each other. I didn't sleep with Adrian to get back at Amy, I slept with her to end the pain I was feeling. The betrayal of how Ricky claimed to be my friend, and she claimed to love me, but neither felt any guilt for kissing one another.

When Adrian came to me that night she knew exactly how I felt. We were both betrayed by those two ingrates. I can finally say it, (or write it) Amy and Ricky are INGRATES. They only care about themselves, and no one else. Ashley, I and even Adrian are living proof of their selfishness. I just wished I had realized this when I was married. Maybe my guilt wouldn't have killed my daughter.

Stillbirth wasn't what killed her it was me, and my guilt for not wanting to be happy, because I thought I hurt them. Ricky and Amy never gave a damn about me, Adrian, or my daughter. They probably started having sex the moment they found out she was dead. It would be no surprise to me if they did.

Adrian out of everything I went through for her, and with her she still wanted that asshole. But, at least she found someone new even if he is another condescending asshole. He might be a selfmade millionaire, but he is still an asshole, and I'm a selfmade multi-millionaire, so I'm still better. Henry and Alice, I wish I could forgive them but I can't. They let me down when I needed them most, and I did the same. So, it's best if we keep our own distance. Well the jet is landing, guess I have to get ready to finally close this chapter. But I find it stupid, and pathetic when I look back on it that I suffered so much for them when I never needed any of them at all...

When Adrian read that she was shocked at the anger, and bitterness that were in those remarks, she was also guilty because they were true in a way. Adrian remembered that day she saw Ben at the Burger Shack, he came in looking so depressed, and she wanted to call him over. But, she looked around and realized that he would be out of place, and see himself as no more than a fifth wheel. She saw Henry and Alice, and they were too intent on patching up their own relationship that day to realize they were losing their friendship with Ben. Now she regretted not being braver that day, but she and Omar as usual had a fight, and she didn't want to aggrivate their relationship any farther. She rolled her eyes as she realized had she done that she would have saved herself a lot of heart ache.

She closed the journal and looked at the cover. The picture Ben had of he, and his dad sitting with his mom. She wondered would Leo have had the strenghth to endure Sarah's death if Ben had not been there to give him a reason to go on. She then saw the picture of Ben with Alice and Henry. They told her that it was Ben that brought both of them together by a sheer coincidence of fate. She quized would they have met that day without him.

She saw the picture Ben had of he and Amy, and thought would Amy know about the strenghth she had inside if Ben had not been there to help her see it. She looked at the only picture that had ever been taken of John with Ben, and wondered would that little boy have lived had not Ben been at the abortion clinic that day. She shuddered to think what might have happened if Ben didn't pay to go with her to pick up Amy.

She then saw the picture of Ben and Ricky at the Butchershop. She remembered the person Ricky was before he and Ben became friends, and it saddened her to remember who he once was. But, when Ben and Ricky started to work together, and became friends it was then that Ricky's attitude and his personality began to change. She wondered what would Ricky be doing, or who he would be with if Ben had not been there? The last picture on the journal was of Ben and she getting married. She knew inside her that her life would be nothing like it is now had she not met Ben, and found in him a true kindred spirit.

She often thought Ricky was her soul mate, but despite the connection they had, she knew she could never truly open herself to Ricky. But, she couldn't say that about Ben. He knew everything about her, and despite all of her bad deeds he always believed the best in her. Ben always tried to believe the best in everyone, and even though they all saw the great man inside of him, none of them truly appreciated it. She wondered how come no one not even Leo truly appreciated the sacrifices that Ben had made for all of them.

She realized as she looked through the journal that Ben's attitude, and his perosnality became darker as time moved on. With each act of kindness Ben performed, with every sacrifice Ben's entries became angier, and depressed. She then realized what Chloe, Tess, and Clementine realized. This Ben that they saw before them was created by the people in his life. This Ben was made tougher and colder to protect what was left of the Ben she once knew. Much like Ricky had become a selfish manwhore from what Bob did. Ben became a cold shadow of his former self. That was how Ben dealt with pain and loss. That was why Ben and Ricky were always at odds, they were mirror images of the other. The difference Ricky hurt others to heal himself, and Ben was hurt by others to heal them.

But she wondered could she take the risk of being with him again. The risk of being hurt by him, or worse of her hurting him. What worried her the most was could she risk loving him, starting a family with him again and going through the same ordeal of losing a child again. Losing Mercy had nearly destroyed her, but it did destroy him. Could she risk destroying him again after he finally seemed to be back together?

As she pondered this Adrian found a letter that Ben left on the last page for her.

To Adrian

If you're reading this then you finally know all of my secrets. I kept so many from all of you that it feels' good to know that you know them all now. I wish I could say I'm sorry for some of the things I wrote, but that is how I felt, and I wont apologize for that. Last night I did something that I never realized I needed to do, and that was kissed Amy. She came to see me, and it was no doubt that she wanted me. This time I think she really wanted me, but it was mostly to get back at Ricky like you. I don't know why every girl wants to sleep with me to get back at their current love interest, but I learned my lesson the third time around.

But, after that kiss I felt like you did after that kiss with Ricky. I felt nothing for her, and I honestly couldn't have felt better about it. That is until I realized that I wasted my life feeling guilty about a woman, who I never loved, and lost the woman I did love. She helped me realize that I have made a fool of myself . I have spent my life fighting for other people, and fighting for the things that I don't want. Instead of fighting for what I do want, and need, and I both want and need you Adrian.

I don't know what you are feeling after reading so much, but I don't want you to feel guilty or that you owe me an apology for anything. Unlike Ricky I don't think you did anything wrong for any reason. I never even blamed you for sleeping with Henry, or wanting Ricky over me. I failed you when you needed me most.

But, the reason why I failed you is the one thing you don't know. Adrian being with you was the happiest time of my life and I mean that. But, losing Mercy was too much for any seventeen year old kid to bare. Every time I was with you, touched you, or kissed you, it hurt. It hurt to feel you and not feel her in your stomach. It hurt to be with you and remember what we lost. I'm sorry for that for being so weak, but even I have my limits. If you don't want to try again, I understand. From how I acted, and the time that has passed, I don't blame you. I am not the same person I used to be, and neither are you.

But if you do find it in your heart to try again, I promise this time I won't fail you. I don't care what happens, or what we go through I will be the man you need me to be, whenever you need me. Because you mean just that much to me. I know it might sound silly, but I still sometimes wear my wedding ring to you at times. I play with it on my finger and imagine what our lives would have been like if we had stayed together. But, I want you to know I do love you Adrian, and I will always love you even if you are with someone else, even if you aren't with me...

Your Benny.

P.S. I don't know if you told anyone, but I told Chloe the real reason I named our daughter Mercy sorry.

Adrian was shocked, and smiled at this she remembered that secret pact they made. They wanted Mercy's name to mean something so they named her Mercedes. A tribute to the place where she was concieved. Adrian then got up, and went to her bedroom and removed the jewlery box with a hidden pocket given to her by her mom. She removed the sapphire ring given to her by Ben. Inside with the ring was a photo she kept of she and Ben being married. She then remisced about all of her memories with Ben good and bad. She made her decision

For better quality please go to YOUTUBE and look up the name BEN & ADRIAN I'm In Love and Always Will Be made by Emydac

Iknow you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's there the sense in that?

(Part 2)
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

(Chorus)
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

(Part 3)
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of it's over
Then I'm sure that it makes sense

(Chorus)
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

(Part 4)
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I''ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

(Chorus)
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

(Chorus)
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

(Chorus)
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be