Chapter 1

August 2007; Newark, New Jersey

If you asked Danny Williams what the happiest day of his life was he would tell you it was the day his daughter was born. And if you asked him what the worst day of his life was, up until today, he would have told you it was the day he tore his ACL and ruined any chance at playing pro football. Today though, he would tell you today was the worst day of his life. Because today was the day he learned that his wife was cheating on him. Had, in fact, been cheating on him for almost two years.

Walking into his home to grab some lunch between cases, he had not been prepared to find the front door unlocked or to hear the sounds of grunting and whimpering cries coming from upstairs. He had drawn his weapon worried that his wife, who should have been at work, may have come home and been caught by an attempted burglary. Slowly he made his way upstairs to where the noises were coming from. He paused outside their bedroom, his heart hammering in his chest as the sounds became clearer and he realized that his first thought was wrong. So very wrong. Those were not sounds of pain coming from behind the door. That was the sound of his wife making love. Making love with someone who was not him.

Bile rising in the back of his throat, Danny had pushed the door open and nearly fired his gun into the back of the man atop his wife, pounding her into the mattress. Instead he had screamed at them, "What the fuck are you doing?"

The man had jerked to a stop and nearly fell off the bed as he twisted around to see Danny standing in the doorway, eyes blazing with fury and betrayal, gun gripped in a white knuckled hold at his side.

"I don't care who you are but you have ten seconds to get the fuck out of my house before I shoot you and take you in for rape," growled Danny.

The man flicked his gaze to Rachel who was calmly sitting up in the bed, watching Danny with surprisingly cold eyes. She nodded slightly at the man, who moved around the room in a rush to grab his clothes before trying to run past Danny, who was still glaring at his wife.

"What the hell, Rachel? Who the fuck was that and why is he in my house? In my bed with my wife!"

"Do not use that language with me, Daniel."

"Rachel-"

"I am tired of this Daniel. I am tired of you not being home for dinner. Tired of waiting to get a call telling me you've been shot, that you're dead. Tired of pretending that I'm happy."

Danny felt his jaw drop and a cold weight settle around his heart. Until this moment he hadn't thought there was anything wrong with their marriage. He had thought they were happy. Both his wife and he had jobs they loved. Danny had his second job as a writer, something he had never told Rachel since she had some kind of strange dislike of sci-fi and fantasy novels. So he had a second income in a second bank account and at least half of the money was being put aside for his daughter's college fund. There would be enough for her to be put through school long enough to get a doctorate in just about any field she wanted.

"I don't understand. Rachel, I thought…"

"You thought what, Daniel? You always think but do you ever think about me? About what I want? Of what I feel? About what your daughter feels? What am I supposed to tell her when the day finally comes that you die in the line of duty? Tell me."

Danny looked down at the gun in his hand, at the possibilities that lay within it and flinched, holstering the gun. He couldn't face such a betrayal as this while he was holding his weapon. No matter how much her betrayal cut him to his core he couldn't shot her. He couldn't hurt the mother of his child.

"That was a good enough reason for this? You can honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you having sex with a stranger in our marriage bed is just because you are worried about me? How does that even work, Rachel? How can you look at me while you're sitting there covered in the fluids of some man whore you picked up and tell me that it's acceptable because you were fucking tired!"

For a long moment Rachel just looked at him, her eyes still glacier cold, before she let out a deep weary sigh. "I can't do this anymore, Daniel. I'm sorry you had to find out this way."

"Sorry I had to find out what, Rachel? That you can't keep it outta your pants? That you're willing to bed anything, anyone? In our home? In our bed? Across the hall from our daughters room? Fuck Rachel, what if it had been Grace coming home from school? What would you have told her? Would you have told her it was okay to cheat on me because I'm a cop? Because I risk my life to make sure this city is safe for her? For you?"

"Stop it, Daniel. Just…just shut up." Rachel looked up at him and for a moment Danny thought there might have been tears in her eyes. "I'm filling for divorce, Danny."

Shaking with emotion, Danny glared at her, at the woman he loved. The woman who had been his muse for over eight years now. "Get out. Get your things and get outta my house."

Swinging her legs over the side of the bed Rachel stood, letting the sheet slide off, revealing her nude body. Danny flinched again at the sight of her obvious betrayal of their vows. Rachel took no notice, or if she did she didn't seem to care. Calmly she pulled on her rumpled clothes, grabbed her work case and headed over to Danny. "I'll be back for Grace and my things."

"Grace is staying here. I'm not letting her go with you where she'll be exposed to your reprehensible behavior. I'll not have our daughter growing up to be such a callus bitch."

For the first time Rachel flinched, unable to hold his gaze in the face of the emotions so obvious in his eyes. She had loved him once, perhaps not as strongly as she should have. If she had, perhaps it wouldn't have come to this. Without another word she turned and walked out of the room, out of the house, and for a short while, out of his life.

- - - H50 - - -

Within two days everyone in his family knew what had happened. Three days after that most of the detectives in Homicide knew as well. As if Rachel's act of betrayal wasn't enough to push him to drink the constant sympathies and pitying looks was certainly enough to do so. Alberto had taken him for the first drink and alongside Matt, had pulled him away from countless bottles after. Danny knew he could have become an alcoholic easily from the whole thing if he didn't have Grace to worry about.

Rachel had already filed for divorce and for full custody of Grace, which hurt more than her original betrayal. He could survive the divorce but he didn't know if he was strong enough to survive her taking away Grace. There were days after cases where the only thing that held the nightmares at bay was his little girl's smiling face, the smell of her hair when he leaned down to kiss her goodnight, the bright tinkling sound of her laughter when she was playing. He couldn't lose her; lose that feeling she had placed permanently in his heart, which sang through his blood every time he saw his Gracie. Danny would fight for her, fight to keep her with him rather than with her mother.

Matt had found him the name of a good lawyer the moment he had heard about Rachel's affair, and Danny had gone to talk to the lawyer already about options. It would take a hell of a lot of money but Danny wasn't willing to lose his little girl to Rachel. He was a good man and if he had to drag Rachel through the mud and air every secret either of them had in order to keep his little girl he would do it without hesitation. Danny knew that this was going to be a hard battle to win, judges preferred to keep children with their mothers if at all possible, and Rachel was bound to bring up Danny's job as a cop and the long hours and dangers it meant as well. That could be a strike against him, but Danny could point out that Rachel's hours were hardly any better. She was up before Danny, before her daughter and only arrived home two hours before dinner, after Grace had been picked up from school by Danny's mother or sisters. She came home and Grace more often than not had already had dinner with one of Danny's family, and on the nights she hadn't Rachel just ordered out rather than being bothered to actually cook a meal for their daughter.

Danny was up every morning making Grace breakfast and taking her to school. He was there to help her with homework even on nights when he was running on less than four hours of sleep, or was under pressure from the chief to solve his latest case ASAP, or was under pressure from Katie to get his next book done. He cut out of work at the drop of a hat for his little girl, picking her up from school when she was sick, taking her to softball, gymnastics and swimming lessons as often as possible, which was more than Rachel did. She always had a reason to not be there when Grace wanted her, when she should be there. Danny had always hated that. Hated that Rachel's job was so much more important than their family. He hated it even more now that she was claiming that was the reason she wanted a divorce and their daughter full time. Danny knew she loved Grace in her own way but he also knew Rachel saw Grace as another tool to raise her status at work. Rachel wanted to be a partner in the law firm she was working at and since the current partners were big on family Rachel love to drag out Grace at every opportunity to show off her family. Danny hated it. Hated how fake it felt, but he had been able to ignore it for years because he had told himself that Rachel was doing it so that she could make partner and so that they could afford a better home for their family, a better school for Grace. Not that anything was wrong with the school she went to. It wasn't a private school but its academic records were some of the best

As it had years before, the overwhelming emotions that plagued his mind forced him again to write, and to write feverishly. He had barley slept since he walked in on Rachel and the man whore, who he learned was a big shot land broker for some corporation that built expensive hotels around the world and was a client of Rachel's at the law firm. Stan. He hated that now and loathed the man for forcing his way into Danny's family and ripping it away from him. He hated the man almost as much as he hated Rachel, and if the two of them found themselves being pulled over and ticketed more often than ever before, well, it was just punishment in Danny's mind.

So Rachel and Stan were being punished for him by his fellow Newark Police Department officers, and in the literary world they were being put through the shredder in his novels. He didn't know how the fans or the publishing company was going to take the newest book. He had been half way through the book when he had walked in on Rachel and that event had altered the course of the new novel. He couldn't help but have the character Will, who was based on himself, walk in on his own wife while she was cheating on him. But in the book it wasn't just some real estate cad but a vampire whose kiss Danny was now planning to link to the paranormal mafia. So Danny wrote and wrote, until his eyes felt like they were bleeding and by the end of the book there was still no resolution between Will, his wife and her lover. Will and his partner had taken down the villain but had been unable to touch the mafia or Stan's kiss. The evidence wasn't there and the readers were left on the hook until the next book. Now that he had finished this book he didn't know if he could do it again. He didn't know if he had anything left in him to get up and go to work, to take care of Grace and then go back to writing again. He felt exhausted and blank as if everything he was had been ripped away, all traces of his identity bleached from his very bones.

"Danny," her voice was softer, gentler than Danny had heard in years. He wanted to yell at Katie not to tiptoe around him but he couldn't muster the energy. Grace was fast asleep on his chest, her stuffed bear clutched almost desperately in one arm, and Danny was of the opinion that they never had to move from this spot. He felt calm for the first time in days, maybe even weeks. He wasn't sure any more how long it had been since Rachel had walked out on their marriage.

"Hey," Katie's voice was still gentle but for the first time in days he realized that he didn't hear pity in her voice, just calm acceptance. "I brought you some homemade chicken and noodle soup. I even used Grandma's recipe and handmade the noodles like you like. So I expect you to eat at least two bowls tonight."

Katie leaned down, and placed a kiss on his forehead, her hand reaching out to stroke back through his hair. Danny sighed and leaned into her touch. Out of all his younger siblings Katie had been the easiest to get along with. She had always been so calm and had a way about her that had soothed away whatever emotion had taken him over. It made sense that the others had elected her to visit him. They knew that she would be able to drag him out of a funk just like they knew Matt would be the only one who could force him to let loose the emotions so that Katie could swoop in and mend him back up. There had been a string of long nights with Matt already and apparently now it was his sister's turn.

"Thanks."

Katie smiled and walked out of the small living room to the back of the house where the kitchen was. "Don't thank me yet, Danno. There's still a long road ahead."

Danny winched at the words but relaxed when he heard the sounds of her moving through his kitchen, pulling out bowls and silverware. Making dinner for the three of them.

"Wake Grace up and the two of you go wash your hands. We'll have dinner and if you're good I'll even tell you about what the other editors think of the new book," she called out from the kitchen.

"Fine." Danny gently shook Grace's shoulder, smiling a little at the way her nose scrunched up as she woke up. "Time to get up, monkey. Auntie Katie brought over Grandma's super secret chicken soup."

"Auntie Kat!" Grace crawled off Danny and went running back to the kitchen.

Danny smiled again, though it didn't reach his eyes. Things might never go back to how they were before, to that feeling that everything was on the verge of being perfect, but unless he lost custody, Danny didn't think things could get worse. His family was still here for him, still loved him even if his wife didn't anymore.

Getting up Danny followed his daughter into the kitchen were his baby sister berated him for not washing up when he swooped in to steal an already filled bowl of soup.

- - - H50 - - -

December 2007; Newark, New Jersey

The divorce lasted months and was one of the most cut throat things he had ever been a part of, and he had worked on several cases involving Frank Salvo and the local mob. He felt like he'd gone twenty round with Muhammad Ali by the end of it and he knew that there were more people in the world who knew all his dirty secrets and the not so dirty secrets. He was just glad that the Judge was willing to speak with him in chambers where the truth about Danny's secret authorship could be kept out of the public records. He didn't want people to know that he is W.J. Daniels and that he had more money than what he appeared to have as a Detective. He didn't want them to look at him any differently than they already did. He liked being a detective. He liked helping people and if they knew he had any kind of money, that he was a writer, he was afraid that they would only like him for the things he could get them. That they would try to use him and that he would be trapped in a place where he couldn't tell if people really liked him or if they just liked his money and reputation.

If Rachel had known he was a writer, that he had more than enough money to buy them a big house in the country or a top notch apartment on Park Avenue, he knew she would have demanded at least half of his income as a writer as alimony and the other half for child support. As it stood Rachel didn't know and he lucked out and got a judge who didn't take too kindly to cheating wives. He found out later that the original judge he was scheduled to have was a stickler for leaving kids in sole custody of the mother unless she was a drug addict or convicted pedophile. Danny didn't know why the judges were changed but he thanked God for it the moment he was out of the courthouse and decided that he'd make sure to write the judge into the next book, if he ever got his muse back.

He had tried starting the new book several times since the last book was approved. He was still waiting on the cover art and the first printing that would be sent to different reviewers before its "first run" was printed and sold to the fans. He didn't know if it was the waiting or the relief that this whole ordeal was over that was keeping him from being able to write but whatever it was it was driving his sister nuts. She called him almost daily asking if he had managed to write anything new and all he could do was apologize because no matter how much he wanted to write the ending, where Will got to keep his daughter and he and his partner caught the vampires and the mob guys red-handed, he couldn't work up the energy to write the beginning where Will was going through the torture that Danny had just finished. He didn't want to try dredging up the memory of those months spent in a nightmare of not knowing what would happen to Grace, of his feelings being torn open and spread bloody before strangers. His divorce was still a raw bleeding wound on his psyche and he didn't feel strong enough to go back to that place. Matt had spent a month drinking with him until Danny just passed out, unable to relax enough to sleep otherwise. A month of booze and a case load that rose higher and higher as it became harder and harder to focus on anything other than the chance that he might lose Grace.

It was a horror he didn't want to contemplate. This future where he lost Grace to Rachel and her new fiancé, Stan Edwards. He fears what kind of person he would have become in this future without his daughter. Would he have still been a cop? Would he have become an alcoholic? Would he have chased after Rachel as she tried to run off to some other part of the world just to spite him?

He had to force those thoughts away over and over because that wasn't his future. He didn't have to be that guy. The pathetic broken man whose life revolved around following after an ex-wife who hated him just on the off chance she would let him see his daughter one day out of the month. Grace was his now, his to care for permanently and maybe Rachel would want to be a part of her life like she said in the courtroom, her coworkers sitting at her side to defend her before the judge.

He wanted to think he was a good enough man that he would let Rachel see Grace whenever she wanted, but the twisted, broken part of him she had left bleeding to death in their bedroom demanded that he grab Grace and just run. Run and run until Rachel was too far away to follow. Too far away to hurt either of them anymore. So when Matt and Katie suggested that he take a vacation, that he go some place far away, somewhere sunny and warm and so different than Jersey that he wouldn't be able to think about Rachel, he had eagerly booked the first tickets he could find leaving Jersey. So for a week after Christmas Grace and him had been in LA going to Disneyland and driving along the coast to Sea World and then to the Queen Mary, before hopping another plane and flying across the ocean to Hawaii.

Danny had never really thought about going to Hawaii before. As a kid if asked he would have just shrugged and pointed out that New Jersey had a beach as well, so what was the point in flying halfway across the world just to sit on someone else's sand? Now though all he could think was that it was as far away from Rachel as he could get without leaving the country. And that…that made it the most appealing place on the planet as far as Danny was concerned. Danny could learn to deal with the sand getting into uncomfortable places. He could deal with the overly bright and wildly patterned shirts and the fact that people seemed to whip their clothes off at the slightest pretense of a beach or a wave they could ride. He could even deal with the overtly hostile glares the locals gave him whenever he opened his mouth.

He could deal with it. Right?