Flashback 8.5 months ago

I lost my first patient.

I tried to hold back my tears. I didn't think it would be this hard.

I knew it would be risky. I feel like if I didn't do the surgery, he would have had another year with his family.

I gave the family the news, and watched as they collapsed in each others arms. I had no words. I didnt know what I could say, what I should say

I'm not sure why, but Arizona was the first one that I texted.

I sat in an on call room in the dark. I wanted to be alone, and I wanted to feel alone.

I felt like a failure.

The tears finally came.

I know that I'm not the only one who has lost a patient, but right now, that's just how I feel.

I sat enclosed in my own sadness and failure, and finally decided to show my face. I looked at the time and realized I had been hiding for over an hour.

I checked myself in the reflection of my phone and opened the door.

Present

I walked into the hospital and had to keep reminding myself only 2 people know what happened these past few days. I started the day by checking on my interns and residents to make sure everything was going smoothly. I had some paper work to catch up on since I had 3 days off.

It looks like everything has been going smoothly. Nothing dire has happened, which is good, less to weigh down on my mind.

I had an interesting case that dropped on my lap a few days back, so I decided to start doing some research. I didn't promise the guy anything, but this guy was young and wanted a hip replacement. I'm not sold on the idea, but it does seem interesting.

Unfortunately there's not a ton of information on this since it's still in its testing phases. I sent out my emails and letters for more information and checked my phone.

I see a text from Arizona.

Flashback 8.5 months ago

After I left the on call room, I decided to finish up the paperwork that was needed when we lost a patient.

I look at my phone. And I see a text from Arizona.

I didn't really want to open it.

I stared at it for a minute and decided to open it.

A: I have an extra ticket for a Seahawks game...you should go with me.

It seemed odd because I knew she was seeing Lauren. I didn't really care, I wanted to be alone, but at the same time I didn't want to be alone.

C: Sure, what time.

A: What time are you off?

C: An hour. Will there be beer or shots?

A: Ha, I can arrange something

My shift finally ends, and I rush home to change. I'm not really into football, but whatever that will get my mind off today is all I care about.

She picks me up, and I'm surprised at how beat up her car is. I'm surprised it runs in this Seattle weather. I'm actually surprised the wheels are still on the car.

We make small talk to the game.

"it happens to all of us you know...the first one is always the hardest"

I look out the window and barely acknowledge her statement.

There's another minute of silence.

"My first, was a 3 year old boy. He was in for cancer. In and out, in and out. I was his doctor since he was born. I diagnosed him when he was 2"

I was listening, it's hard not to.

"I knew his parents well, I mean, it was hard not to since he was in so often. I thought we got all the cancer out."

I'm looking at her now, her eyes are so expressive. I almost feel like I shouldn't hear this story, I felt like an intruder in her moment in her past.

"They rush him in one day. He had just turned 3 a few weeks back. He was vomiting and bleeding. I sent him to get tests run and found that the cancer snuck its way into his intestines. I recommended emergency surgery"

The only sounds were the straining of the engine and the rattling of the car. I didn't need her to finish her story, she didn't even need to preface the story. I knew how this would end.

"It took 8 hours. I couldn't stop the bleeding. Once I stopped a bleeder, another would happen. There was a tumor the size of a quarter that I was able to remove. But...it took his life. I cried with his parents, I had no right to. I mean...I just took the life of their son. I didn't have the right to..."

I looked away from her and realized we were at the stadium.

"I'm sorry" That's all I was able to say. I couldn't think of anything else. My pain was fresh, her pain still lingers.

It was packed, we ended up way in the outskirts of the parking lot. We finally parked and started our journey to the entrance.

This stadium was huge! I mean, that sounds silly to say, of course stadiums are huge. But, I've never been, it was just...unexpected.

We grabbed a few beers and found our seats. I had to have her explain what was going on and I never thought I would have such a good time. She made fun of me for my lack of knowledge, and I rolled my eyes and tried to understand the game and keep up.

This was good, I definitely felt better. Plus I had lots of beer flowing through me.

We grabbed dinner afterwards, and it was comfortable. I actually felt really giddy around her. Talking and being around her made me feel like I was complete and whole. Our conversation was never awkward and it felt...right. We talked about anything and everything. Except Lauren. I brought it up at one point, and she froze. She looked at me said that Lauren hasn't talked to her in over 3 weeks. I wanted to smile, but I didn't want to seem heartless.

She dropped me off, and I thanked her for taking me out.

I could feel her eyes on me until I got inside my apartment building.

I stood inside my apartment with a big smile, I didn't think that this is how my day would end.

I felt my phone go off.

A: So...was that a date?

C: Idk. Was it?

And again...it was silent.