A/N hey guys How've you been, sorry about the annoyingly short previous chapter... Yea I've been really fucked over the week... Tell me your ideas for OCs... Also fan art seriously guys I know that at the very least 1 of you is a good artist... Better than me anyways. Onto the story.

Chapter 18 Dafuqery^2

Op: colors by flow

Back to where we left off... Shiro POV

"HOW AM I YOUR SISTER? MY FATHER LEFT BEFORE I WAS BORN, HOW EXPLAIN HOW?" Ultear stop shaking me, my head is hurting.

"Ok, I'll explain something rather carefully, people tend to smell like both of their parents until they reach the age of 20-30 females especially, because they also smell like blood and a school of fish... Your smell is that of my father and a woman unknown to me that smells like ice and cigarettes... Aaaaaand fish but that's another story..." I say casually...

"Ok, so you're saying that because I smell like your father and some random woman that suspiciously sounds like my mother, I'm your sister... Who knows maybe I blew your father for a job or something(even though I'm a virgin that somehow has a daughter and odds are I'm gonna die a virgin)." Ultear I heard you mumble that part...

"Look, I know you're evil and all, but still you're my sister, also it's physically impossible for you to have blown or been near my father in any possible way, our Pops has been dead for some amount of years, from when I found his corpse when I was 9 he should've been dead for about 10 years already, so altogether he's been dead for about 17 years, one year after you were born, approximately." I say in a serious yet mocking tone of voice.

"So let me get this straight, when you were nine your father's rotting corpse was there for ten years... Are you sure that was your father?"

"Yes, haven't you read the report for when I joined fairy tail... Or did Makarov not include it in his report?"

"He did include it in his report, it's just that it's so stupid that I don't wanna believe it..."

"What's so hard to believe about it, we live in a fucking world where devils exist and have murdered the Gods, dragons disappeared without a trace for literally seven years and essentially we're just overgrown magical flying lizards, fairy tail is trying to prove whether or not fairies have tails (which they do not but that's my experience), and to top it off THERE IS A FOUR HUNDRED YEAR OLD IMMORTAL DARK WIZARD ACCIDENTALLY SPEWING OUT FUCKING DEATH MAGIC TALKING ABOUT HOW HE WANTS TO DIE ALL THE TIME BUT WHEN YOU TRY TO KILL HIM HE FIGHTS BACK DEFEATING THE PURPOSE AND HE HAS A FUCKING BARRIER TO PROTECT HIM FROM ALL ATTACKS, HE'S LITERALLY CREATING DEVILS POWERFUL ENOUGH TO DESTROY FIORE BUT NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THEIR JOBS WHICH IS TO FUCKING MURDER HIM, SERIOUSLY ZEREF DAFUQ!?"

"... Zeref's alive?"

"Technically yes and technically no."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Right now he's still in his deep sleep, he's gonna be in there for a couple more months."

"So if I find him, wake him from his slumber, and help him recuperate, he'll be thankful, fall in love with me, and take me to the great world of magic, right?" Fuck she's actually serious...

"That would be good and all, but Zeref is a lolicon and a younger brother fanatic, the great world of magic doesn't exist, you don't know where he is, and he's not ill or harmed he's just resting. So your plan had failed before it began."

"DON'T LIE TO ME, THE GREAT WORLD OF MAGIC DOES EXIST, MASTER HADES TOLD ME SO!"

"Your master is a liar or an idiot, do you think if such a world existed, I, a particular existence, would have free access to that plane of existence? If I did, what would be my reason for staying here in handcuffs, as a matter of fact why would I be in this world period? I mean if it's so great why don't I gather my family and move to this great world? Simple answer, I can't, that great world you believe in doesn't exist. Sorry to break your heart like this but it's true, you're goals and ideals are a lie, my theory is that your master is planning to commit a mass genocide of anybody who can't use magic and use their blood and corpses to build the foundation for his new world of magic, tis a shame that he's gonna die in the oncoming year..."

"Ok, ok, I can buy that I'm a half devil, I can buy that Zeref isn't actually dead, I can buy that you're my brother, I can buy that Zeref is a lolicon and a otoutocon, but if you tell me that my dreams and ideals were just one giant web of lies is something I simply can't believe" oh boy, she's in denial.

"Look, believe me or don't believe me I thought it was nice of me just to reveal classified information... Anyway it's time for my trial... Let's go... Ultear imouto chan."

She hit me on the head with a green orb, and now she's blushing.

"I'm older than you so that makes me your Onee chan, you got that?"

"But I was born first."

"Yea but fairy sphere stopped you from aging so I'm your elder. Shiro otouto chan."

"... Fine Ul-neechan. Let's get going to the trial... But so we won't debate this later, I'm the pretty one..."

"That's fine that means I'm the sexy one!" she struck a sexy pose.

"Fine, let's just get this false trial over with already."

"Hai!" ha ha ha if only I could pretend that smile was real...

In the courtroom

"Shirotsune Tatsumi, you are charged with destruction of government property, and reckless endangerment, how do you plead?"

"I plead n-" I was interrupted by somebody breaking through the doors... Oh fuck no.

"I'M SHIROTSUNE TATSUMI, THAT GUY THERE IS AN IMPOSTER!" LULLABY WHEN TAKING MY FORM PUT SOME FUCKING PANTS ON!

"... As I was saying I plead-"

Interrupted again who is it this time, for the love of all that's unholy, WHY?!

"I'm Shirotsune Tatsumi, me not him, he's an imposter!" Wendy are you for real just shooting sky Dragon magic doesn't make you me, and take that wig off.

"As I was saying, I plea-" OH GOD DAMMIT WHO IS IT THIS TIME. NO FUCKING WAY... THIS IS REALLY FUCKING HAPPENING.

"I am Shirotsune Tatsumi, that man is my servant, his name is... Tom." Alice why just shooting darkness doesn't prove that you are me... I can't help but facepalm...

"OK, I'M DONE HERE, WENDY TAKE OFF THAT WIG, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, ALICE YOU DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER WEARING A WIG, AND LULL STOP PLAYING HELICOPTER HELICOPTER AND PUT ON SOME PANTS! I APPRECIATE THE THOUGHT BUT I MIGHT ACTUALLY GO TO PRISON NOW BECAUSE OF YOUR LUNACIES!"

Just then there was a knock on the door.

"Is this the Shirotsune trial?"

"Yes Claire.."

This just went from stupid to Bobobo.

"I'll be his defense attorney for this trial." Finally somebody with common sense, but why is it Claire?

"Don't worry Claire I've already won this trial." I say with an evil smile.

"What do you mean you've already won!?" Siegrain you poor poor bastard, you thought you finally had me.

"Simple, you guys had no warrants for my arrest, and you guys didn't read me my rights, therefore making my entire case invalid, so you idiots have to let me go... Also it doesn't help that since technically I'm not human you guys have no jurisdiction over me, therefore nullifying your entire case yet again... So bye guys, also FUCK THE POLICE!"

"So why come here at all?" yajima asks

"To taunt Siegrain, to ask you how do you like your pork cutlets skinny or thin, and most importantly talk to Ultear."

"I like mine in between, and talk to Ultear about what?" Yajima you could ask a less personal question.

"Why not ask her yourself, right Onee chan?"

"Hai hai Shiro otouto san." she said with a cute smile that betrayed her personality.

"Dafuq?"

"Anyway we're done here, see you soon, especially you, Jose" I say with an ungodly amount of venom in my voice.

The fuck?"

We Then leave and head back to Magnolia... This is gonna be an eventful day...

Cut to: Galuna Islands

We see an alarming amount of dead bodies laying on the ground.

We see the mutilated corpses of the inhabitants of Galuna island, in fact, the only person we see alive is Lyon, but he's in terrible shape. He's in a corner with his left eye missing, his left arm ripped off, and he's missing everything from the waist below as he slowly bleeds out.

"I was certain I could surpass Ur, I was certain I was strong enough, but I was certainly wrong... Uuugggghhhhhh" he just took his last breath.

Then a woman appears walking towards Lyon's corpse with his left arm in her hands.

"Such a weakling, let's hope my imouto and cousin can put up a better fight than these chumps did."

She then leaves the temple and looks out to the rising Sun.

"Shiro, Lullaby, where are you two?"

Ending: brave song

A/N hey guys, this was supposed to be up Friday but my phone was dead since Friday so it was hard to do it, also I'm class rep now, anyway who is this mysterious woman, why does Shiro hate Jell- I mean Siegrain so much, Why does the author hate so many characters you might love... You're questions will be answered next time on fairy tail z. Good day