Stupid fucking bastard America. Romano hissed under his breath as the latest flower he plucked dimmed and withered immediately in his hand. That flower could just go fuck itself! And seriously, America could go fuck himself too.

It was the next morning, and Romano had ventured deep into the forest. He had been trying to pluck the bright golden flowers he saw yesterday for about an hour now, with little success. And why was he dealing with this shit task? Why, because of course, they needed to gather a bunch of these damn flowers for the fucking craftsperson they met yesterday. And then he'd make them some kind of water shield, and they'd use that to get the stupid fucking Azure Crystal, and after that they could move on to the other Crystals, and then they could go back home and—son of a bitch!

Romano immediately withdrew his hands and nursed the finger he just pricked. Dammit, now it's bleeding… fucking fuck shit dammit. America made this look so easy! And all of the flowers he picked stayed alive, too.

Fucking bastard America couldn't be bothered to help out, though, apparently. Oh no, he had hero business to take care of! Yesterday he promised he would help, but this morning, all Romano got was a shitty fucking note from the bastard, who had already taken off. Apparently the asshole just had to help fix someone's roof, and he also just had to go and clean some trash off the beach, and he just had to go and check on someone's dog, and he just had to go and bless some young couple's wedding… busy day for the bastard.

So now Romano was stuck picking these shitty flowers by himself, which by the way, the fucking craftsperson fucking said they needed to be handled a particular way, but… but fuck. Romano was so sick of America and his damn ego that he didn't bother finding the bastard before he left that morning. So what if Romano couldn't figure this shit out? Then they just wouldn't get the fucking Crystal! And so what if they never got that, and this world ended and they were trapped here and never got to go home? What did it all matter when stupid fucking America got to be the hero and heroically fix a roof, and… dammit! This one withered too!

Romano threw the dead flower aside, and then tucked his knees up and rested his head against them. Dammit dammit dammit! He hated this! He wanted out!

And then…

Where would he go? With a huff, Romano uncoiled himself and sprawled out on the ground. Okay, okay. This was the part where he was supposed to just… breathe. In, then out. Count to ten. Romano slid his eyes shut, took a deep breath, and then, one, two, three…

On ten he let out his breath and finally opened his eyes again; the sight of treetops and filtered sunshine greeted him. The air was still pleasant and warm.

Okay. Romano sat up again and gauged his progress. He did harvest some of the flowers successfully, even though he didn't know how he did it—so at the very least, this wasn't hopeless. If he needed to, he could stay here all day and make sure he got as many as he needed. After all, it wasn't like he had anything else to do in this world…

With a renewed vigor, Romano started plucking the flowers again, trying to do it the right way. America here or not, Romano was going to take care of this shit, because fuck was he going to be damned if he ended up stuck here in this shit world!

The next morning found Romano on the beach, arms folded over his chest, scowl clear on his face. He was all by himself again.

Well—this wasn't exactly surprising news for him, but still. Didn't change the fact that America was a damn asshole.

So, by sundown the previous day, Romano had gathered a respectable amount of the damn flowers, and he had returned to town to have the shield made. Soon enough, he ran into America during the process, and the bastard promised he would retrieve the damn Crystal the next day.

Don't worry, he said, I'm a good swimmer, I can get it back in no time!

But, shit, here we are now, just after dawn, and America was well supposed to be here by now… surprise surprise.

Well, fuck it all. Romano was just going to take care of this shit all by himself again. He was a good swimmer too, dammit, he wouldn't have a problem getting the damn Crystal and getting them both out of here!

Well… Romano smirked as he withdrew the potion. Maybe I could leave America behind.

He uncorked the small vial, letting out a yellow wisp of air. In a moment, the wisp circled around his head, disappeared, and… well, everything felt normal. Here goes nothing, he supposed. Romano ditched all his clothing, save the bare necessity, and strode into the water.

Once he was fully submerged, he was relieved to find that his face was actually dry. Even though there was no visible shield, he did have a bubble of dry air around his head. Hm… Romano paused his swimming a moment. This feeling was familiar, now that he thought of it.

...That's right. He had a dream about this a few nights ago! He got to swim with this sort of air bubble around his head, and then… and then he got to have his arms ripped off. Yeah, that wasn't such a pleasant memory.

Shaking off the pain and anxiety that his dream brought him, Romano fully focused on swimming towards the shrine.

After a long while of swimming, Romano finally popped his head through the surface of the water. This time, he was very many meters deep, arriving at an underwater cave; at least he could breathe normally down here. And that was good, because he didn't actually know how long the face shield would last.

Once he rested himself up, Romano stood and began walking deeper into the cave. Shitty fucking temple couldn't just… be here, where he was. As he was quickly realizing, the shrine was somewhere around here, and Romano was going to have to search the pathways he came across before he could find it. Dammit! Fucking priestess didn't say anything about this!

Shortly after he began his search, Romano picked up on the faint noise of… giggling? When he followed it, he came upon another pool of water leading out, and… whoa. Sitting in that pool were some mermaids. Beautiful, gorgeous mermaids, grouped together and giggling at…

Oh, look. They're giggling at America—shirtless, no glasses, and knocked out. What the fuck is going on?

As Romano stepped forward, the mermaids noticed and turned to him.

"Oh, look, another human!" said one of them.

"What a delight! Hello there!"

"Hello," Romano pleasantly replied, his pretty lady reflexes working for him.

"Such odd luck! To see two humans after such a long time… I think this one's dead, though."

Romano somehow doubted that, though he frowned all the same. What he really wanted to find out, however, was what the hell was America doing down here? "Let me have a look."

The mermaids moved aside as Romano approached; he held America under the shoulders and dragged him onto the dry land. God, he was heavy… "Oi. America. Wake the fuck up." Romano patted America's cheek with the back of his hand. "Oi! Uh… there's burgers here, you fatass."

At that, America's eyes slowly opened; then he suddenly bolted upright, coughing up water.

"…You okay, bastard?"

Finally, America's coughing died down, and he took a deep breath. "Y-yeah… yeah, I'm just fine! Whew!" He grinned and flashed a thumbs-up. "I think I might've not been breathing for a few minutes there."

"...That's nice. Now tell me, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"I couldn't find you, dude! I wanted to tell you that I'd have to put off the Crystal stuff for a little longer, somebody wanted my help with something—" at that, Romano openly rolled his eyes, "—but all I saw was your clothes! I thought it looked kinda sketchy, so I just dove in to see what I could find."

Romano blinked at America, slowly, as though the blond was claiming that England's scones are better than burgers. "You just… dove in? And kept swimming? And… you didn't remember that you needed to breathe?"

America glanced away for a moment and rubbed the back of his neck. "Well… I was really dedicated! Anyway, the next thing I knew, I woke up here."

He then turned towards the mermaids and opened his mouth to continue, but before any sound came out, he was cut off by a collective gasp from them.

"Those eyes!" one of the mermaids called out, and Romano felt himself get crushed by a giant boulder made of dread and frustration.

"Just like the Azure Crystal!" another mermaid said, and oh, yes, wonderful, America was already sitting by the water and eating up all of the newfound eager attention.

"Hey there! Ha ha! I didn't expect to find more fans underwater!"

At that, Romano rolled his eyes, and called out, "America! We need to find the fucking temple, asshole!"

"Oh yeah!" America turned back to the group of mermaids before him. "Sorry ladies, but I've got some Hero Business to do!" Ugh, Romano thought, gag me and let me die already.

"Aw, leaving already? We're so excited to meet you!"

"Yes, it's been so long! Won't you at least stay for a bite to eat?"

That last statement gave America pause; then he finally sat back down. "You're right, I am pretty hungry! Hey, Romano, why don't we stick around a little longer?"

"Yeah, fuck that. I'm going to find the damn temple, asshole." Romano would be damned if he was going to sit through more of this shit.

"All right! Your loss!" America called out to Romano's retreating back, as the mermaids all giggled.

Exploring the tunnels was a dull, time-consuming journey, and it just kept wearing away on Romano's mind. The Italian had long since lost track of time, and somehow, staring at all these damn rock walls was starting to make him feel faint and dizzy. Not to mention, he was getting pretty hungry, too… maybe he should've taken those mermaids up on their offer…

...Although… if Romano had anything to eat then, he would've thrown it all back up from the stupid attention America was getting. That's right. Stupid fucking America, probably lounging around with the pretty mermaids, having the time of his life and getting all the admiration he could possibly want… Romano really should just leave him behind.

And then, a different image formed in his mind. What if America wasn't sitting on his ass and having the time of his life at all? Somehow, memories of Romano's dream wiggled back into his consciousness, and then all Romano could think about was a circle of mermaids around America, ripping the guy limb from limb—

Shit. Romano stopped walking and took a deep breath. This was no time to be reliving some stupid nightmare! America was just fine, that asshole. Probably pigging out like he always does and, fuck all, laughing like a moron or something. Romano just needed to get a move on, he was starting to narrow down which path led to the temple!

But… what if America really was in trouble? Romano felt like his stomach just turned to stone. Mermaids were known to prey on humans, right?

Well—the legends on Earth said so! But it's not like they were even real there! Fucking mermaids could be completely different in this world. And America could take care of himself just fine either way, right?

Romano let out a sharp huff. No matter how hard he tried to suppress it, he couldn't get rid of that nagging worry… Fine. He could go back and check on the bastard. Well, more than anything else—maybe he could get some spare food from the mermaids! That's it; his hunger was finally getting the better of him, and he just needed to go back to where he knew there was food.

And all the same, America would definitely be okay, and there was no point in worrying!

As Romano returned to his destination, he could hear the faint giggling of some women—obviously the mermaids. And he could hear some female voices talking.

And… that was it.

Shit. Something—something didn't feel right. Blood fired through Romano's veins, and he darted towards the water now, taking that last turn around the corner—

—and there he was, America, completely passed out and with his legs submerged. In a half-circle around him were the mermaids, and shit, now Romano could hear them clearly—

"Do you think the toes will be any good?"

"Well, I always liked eating the toes!"

"I want the eyes! They're so pretty!"

"No way, I want them!"

"Well, I can have one, and you can have the other."

"Oh, I want one of the eyes too! I say I get it since I'm the oldest."

"I should get one because I saw them first!"

"Come on ladies, I just want to get started already! We need to rip off his arms, first of all."

"Oh, yes! Hee hee—you always start with the arms!"

"You think he'll sleep through that?"

"Yeah, I don't know. He needed more sleeping potion than a whale! Did we really use enough?"

"Don't the humans, like, die if we use too much though?"

"Oh, look… his friend's back!"

At that moment, all eyes turned to Romano, who was so stunned by the turn of events that he forgot to move. Immediately, his lucidity returned and he straightened up. "Um."

"Hey there, young man! Do you care to join us for lunch? Your friend here is just, um, napping after his! It was just that good."

"What—fuck no! You want to eat us!"

"... What? Why would you say that?"

"You were just talking about it!"

"Oh. Hm. I guess you heard, then!"

"Hee hee! Of course he heard us!"

"Well, not like it matters! At least we still have this one."

Just as the mermaids turned back to America, Romano held out his hands and shouted, "Wait!" He gulped as the others faced him again and continued, "You… you can't eat him!"

"Huh? Why not?"

"Just… because you can't! Come on!"

"Oh… now I remember. Humans are real sensitive about this whole getting eaten thing, aren't they? Well, look, we're not giving him back just because you said so, all right?"

Romano muttered a curse and felt his whole body tense. America seriously was going to get eaten! Something had to be done, now—Romano darted towards the other man and grabbed onto him, while trying to stay as far from the water himself as possible.

As he pulled on America, the mermaids laughed and started pulling back. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Even though he dug his heels in the ground, he was still getting pulled in!

"Ah—wait!" he yelped. The mermaids all stopped at once, and with the sudden loss of force from them, Romano gracelessly flopped onto his stomach. When he peered up again, he saw the mermaids staring at him blankly, waiting for him to go on…

...and then it occurred to him: they were pretty dumb. Of course. The Crystal he was supposed to find now—that one controlled people's abilities to stay focused and think. Let's see… he could just keep them all talking long enough and pull America away, right? If they couldn't focus, then he could keep distracting them!

Romano cleared his throat. "I was wondering. If you were, um… if you were to eat me…" an unpleasant shiver ran up his spine—that was really the last thing Romano wanted to think about now, "would you, um, also eat my eyes?"

Smiles broke out among the mermaids' faces, and one of them replied, "of course! I think eyes are always really yummy."

"...oh yeah? Well... do the colors matter?"

"Not really! But I have to say, those blue ones look so irresistible right now…"

"Is… is that so…" Romano had managed to drag America partway out of the water when the mermaids finally seemed to notice.

"Hey! What are you doing with him?"

"Ah, uh, shit—me? Um. Nothing!" Good job, dumbass. Yes, clearly, dragging America out counted as 'nothing'.

"That's our food! We want it!"

"Uh—wait!" As if the word were some magic spell, it held up the mermaids once again, and they all looked to him to go on. "Um. Well, I heard you all talking about toes, and, uh… you wouldn't want them getting all wrinkly in the water, right?"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! Have you ever had them dry? You couldn't have them any other way once you try it!"

"Hm…" one of the mermaids hummed, thinking back. "You know, I don't think I've ever had the toes dry before! Have you?" She turned to the others, questioningly.

With that, the mermaids all turned to face each other, trying to see if anyone got to try dry toes. Picking up on the obvious opportunity, Romano heaved and dragged America, and even kept going until they were far down one of the pathways, and he couldn't hear the mermaids anymore.

Finally satisfied, Romano dropped his companion to the floor, before sitting and leaning against a wall himself. Phew. Shit. Dammit. What a troublemaker... Romano glared down at America's peacefully resting face. So fucking unaware of the shit that just went down. Asshole.

When America was just asleep like this, not rambling about some stupid shit or engorging himself… well. He looked kind of… nice? Peaceful, definitely. Before he knew it, Romano had calmed down, staring at that blissful, handsome face… hearing only the sound of America's breaths… in… then out…

Romano couldn't help himself. He kept his feelings bottled up for so long… he gently placed his hands on either side of America's face and said quietly, "oi, bastard… you awake?"

Silence followed, and after a few moments, Romano decided it was safe to go on. He could feel his chest heat up, and he leaned a little further over the sleeping form…

...and then pinched and pulled on America's cheeks until his face was distorted. "How do you like that, fucking shit eater!? Not so hot now, are you, bastard!?" Romano let go and then pointed an accusing finger at America's face. "Do you have any idea what kind of bullshit I've been through these past few days? You could've helped, asshole! You and your stupid hero bullshit! Oh, everyone loves you! Everyone wants to fawn over America! Everyone thinks stupid, grease-brained, lazy America is some hot shit! Look at him hamming it up while little, unimportant Romano gets all the actual work done! As usual. Tch. You're lucky I didn't leave you behind to get eaten! You owe me big time, you bastard."

Hmph. Romano roughly leaned back against the wall. That made him feel a bit better! Though America was still a bastard. He really was lucky Romano was so competent, and even worried about him back there! It'd be terrible if America had gotten ripped apart, limb by limb, from the mermaids…

Romano hummed in thought. What would happen then? As nations, they've all survived some pretty nasty wounds… grew back whatever they needed to, even. It would take a while, but America's arms would grow back, if they ever got cut off. Could he just be, like, some infinite food source, then? Just keep him around and keep cutting off his arms and legs every now and again…

"Ugh… Romano?"

The Italian jolted out of his thoughts and looked down to see a dazed America laying next to him. Shit, he wasn't expecting America to wake up so soon… he almost had a heart attack!

"Romano… are you… trying to can… cannin… eat me?" America's eyes rolled to face forward, and he let out a pathetic moan. Guess the drugs didn't entirely wear off yet.

"...The fuck makes you say that?"

"...just now. You were saying. I know I'd taste awesome and all, but…"

The blood in Romano's face went cold and he sputtered. "What—no! No, bastard. You imagined that." Shit, Romano thought, was I saying all that crap out loud?

"Huh. Well. Okay, then." America scrunched his face up slightly and lifted an arm, sluggishly. Some of his awareness seemed to come back as he stared at his hand and started to flex his fingers. "So… where are we?"

"Still underwater. Those mermaids put you to sleep and were planning on eating you."

"Eating me? You don't mean…" America swung his hand about, uncoordinated, in some vague gesticulation. "You don't mean, like… some weird euphemism, do you?"

"... No. I mean actual, physically tearing you apart, and literally eating you."

"Huh. They seemed so nice." America's arm flopped back down at his side and Romano snorted. A few long minutes stretched between them, before America suddenly turned to face Romano again. "Hey. You must've gotten me out of there."

"There isn't anyone else around who would have, genius."

"Heh. Thanks for that. Guess you were the hero this time."

It took Romano a moment to realize he was getting some appreciation, and he looked down to America, shocked. Looking back up at him, America had a more subdued smile on his face than usual, and… fuck. Look away, look away! That wasn't fair! He... America was playing dirty! Romano stared pointedly at his fingernails, cheeks feeling warm, and grumbled out some proper response—"yeah whatever, go fuck yourself," or something like that. He wasn't really paying attention.

A light shudder of a laugh left America's mouth as he finally sat up and started stretching. Romano was (definitely not!) appreciating the sight from the corner of his eye. Once the blond stood up and finished his stretching, he said, "Come on, let's get going! We've got a Crystal to grab, right?"

Romano huffed, remembering all the times he tried telling America the same thing. "Glad you're finally caught up, bastard." And with that, Romano stood up, and he led the pair down the path that he concluded should have the temple inside.

It took about fifteen minutes of walking before they made it to the shrine. The tunnel they went through opened into a large room, and in the middle of it was a tall building, conspicuously made of wood. The top of the temple branched into several narrow spires, and the entire outside of it had flowing wavy patterns carved in. The entrance was marked by a grand set of double doors—currently, locked double doors.

"Shit. Now what are we supposed to do?" Romano said, still uselessly trying the handle.

"Hey, look! It looks like there's some kind of puzzle on the door," America said, pointing at the strange curved patterns that ran along the front.

"Ugh. Fucking figures it'd be locked by a puzzle…" The Italian sighed, really not looking forward to doing more stupid bitch work for the damn Crystal.

Romano was about to step closer to the door to try and figure it out, when he felt America grab his shoulder. "Hey, stand back a second. Let me try," the blond offered, grinning. Romano simply shrugged and took a few steps back; it'd be nice to let America do some work for once.

Within moments, America pulled back a fist and then… BAM! Romano jolted at the boom, just barely registering the storm of dust and falling bits of wood. America reached through the new hole and easily opened the door from the other side, a satisfied grin plastered on his face.

Well. Romano supposed that was one way of going about this, for sure.

The inside of the temple was already dimly lit, and the pair could see that it was similarly tall and ornate. Near the back was a carved stand that, sure enough, held a curvy crystal; it faintly shone a light blue. Upon closer inspection, Romano noted that it looked vaguely like an iris flower.

The two of them took a moment to admire it before Romano picked it up, saying, "Guess we should head back now."

"Why don't we jump it right now, though? Come on Romano, try thinking really hard!"

Romano frowned up at America before looking back down at the Crystal. The idiot did kind of have a point, why not bring the Crystal back now? Romano's forehead creased as he tried to concentrate… think… thinking about…

"…Dammit!" Romano cursed, "the fuck am I supposed to think about now, all of a sudden?!"

"Um… good question!"

"Here, asshole, you fucking try it!" Romano shoved the Crystal into America's hands.

"Yeah, sure! Oh, I know—I can think about different strategies or something!"

"Tch, that's nice. Come on, let's get out of here while we're at it."

"Sure thing!" America chirped, and Romano couldn't help the annoyance he felt at the blond's perkiness.

By the time the pair of them neared the pool that Romano first came in from, the Crystal remained as dim as when they found it.

"Nice job, America," Romano huffed.

"I thought it would work! I was thinking about all kinds of awesome football strategies!"

"... football strategies."

"Yeah!" America suddenly cut himself off, a thought occurring to him. "Although… I guess I was just thinking about football, and not actually strategizing!"

"You're a fucking dumbass."

"What can I say, football is awesome! Anyway, we can try again when we get back to the surface." America jammed the Crystal in his pants pocket, and the two of them finally arrived at their destination.

Which had several mermaids waiting for them there.

"He~llo there, boys~!" one of them called out sweetly.

"Hey there, ladies!" America replied, waving. Romano just felt his stomach churn all over again. "Thanks for waiting up! ...I think. Anyway, my buddy and I need to get going now! Could you move aside?"

"Of course!" They all swam to the edges, allowing the humans room to hop in. They seemed obliging enough at first, but as soon as America got near them, they seemed to perk up, realizing their opportunity.

"America! Get the fuck away from there!" Romano shouted. Did this guy even have a fucking brain!?

"Huh? Why, what's up?" America turned to Romano curiously, while several pairs of hands reached for him and started pulling. Luckily, the blond didn't budge, and he continued to wait for Romano's answer.

"America, they tried to eat you! Remember?"

"...oh yeah! That's right!" He easily broke away from their grasp and walked back to Romano's side.

"Oh my fucking fuck you're damn moron, did you know that?!"

"Hey, I was still half asleep when you mentioned the mermaids!" America replied, casually waving a hand, as if Romano wasn't physically worried for his life or anything. Dammit, this bastard is going to make me ten years older by the time we're through here… "Anyway, why don't we try a different way?" America turned back to the mermaids and called out, "Hey! Can we leave here another way?"

"Oh yeah! There's lots of ways to get out!" one of them replied.

"... And you aren't going to block it off or anything because you want to eat us, right?"

"Oh no, we'll definitely follow you around! We're too excited to get to eat humans again, you know!"

There was dead silence, and after a moment, the same mermaid who just spoke smacked her forehead. "Wait, dammit! I should've lied about that! Shoot! Uh… hey, you know, forget about what I said, human! You're all free to go!" The nearby mermaids all nodded in assent.

Romano and America shared an incredulous look, before the latter turned back to answer. "Uh, yeah, we don't believe you."

"... Dammit."

"Guess we gotta figure something else out, huh, Romano?"

"And how the fuck are we supposed to do that?" Romano said, already envisioning all the ways they could get eaten. "Shit, I bet they can smell us underwater! Like sharks or some shit…"

Just as the panic was really starting to take over Romano's mind, he got distracted by America's obnoxious laughter. "Hey man, don't worry! We'll figure something out! Come on, let's get out of here first."

America set an arm around Romano's shoulders and gently led them back into the cave network, away from where any mermaids could hear. He shot the brunette a reassuring smile, and at that, Romano took a deep breath and concentrated on keeping himself together.

That's right. He could just leave this bastard to figure things out for a change. It was reassuring to think that America could get back to doing some of the work again.

And no, Romano's relief had nothing to do with the fact that the bastard's eyes really were as nice as everyone kept saying they were.

Author's Notes:

For the record, when they were talking about football, they were each thinking about two different sports.

Oh goodness, I had such a hard time writing this chapter! There isn't even, like… a really good reason why it took so long. My brain was just sucking a lot lately. D:

So on that note, I'm sorry for taking so long—and thanks to everybody who stuck around for like three months! Fuck, man, three months already…

But hey, now I'm just in time for America's birthday! Fuck yeeeeah! No matter where you are and what you're doing today, I hope everyone has a happy 4th! As for me, I can't wait to pig out on grilled burgers and hot dogs and corn and potato salad and maybe I'll have some s'mores… ohmygod. Okay, okay, I'm going to stop now before I really ramble!

Have a great Fourth and an awesome weekend! Best wishes until next time, folks!