Disclaimer: Please read the disclaimer in the previous chapters as it still holds true. I don't own anything you recognize and the time line needs to be taken with a grain of salt.
Chapter 4
With a final wave over his shoulder to Oliver and a hug to Felicity, Barry started to walk towards Jitter's door. He looked down at his watch. Good. He was surprisingly on schedule to get back to his lab for the end of his lunch break at a walking pace. Barry noticed he had been running just about everywhere lately, and, as much as the speed and adrenaline thrilled him, he found himself missing the slow life a little. He had been on edge for a while now and it was wreaking havoc on his emotions. Even talking with Oliver and Felicity didn't take away all of the stress and weariness he had been feeling the past week or so.
He promised himself that every once in a while he was going to slow down and enjoy the world around him. He was going to start today. The weather was gorgeous today, so walking back to work was going to be just what the doctor ordered. Maybe that would get him out of his mental funk too.
Barry didn't even realize that Iris had followed him, too busy fiddling with his muffin and his thoughts, until he almost bumped into her when she blocked his path.
"So," Iris said with her arms crossed in front of her, "when were you going to tell me you were friendly with Oliver Queen?"
Barry shrugged non-committally and continued to focus on his chocolate chip muffin. How the hell was he supposed to follow Cisco's diet plan? He was always a light eater before, partially because he couldn't really cook and part because he was always running around, so he snacked. (The irony was not lost on him that he now had to eat more because he was running around so much.)
He had been eating what felt like all day and he still felt a little light headed. Absent mindedly he answered while still starring down at his latest baked good nemesis. "We met up while I was in Starling. The case was in one of Queen Industries buildings. He and Felicity came to oversee and find out what the officers knew." Barry wasn't really a fan of chocolate unless it was the hot variety. Maybe he should have gotten two blueberry muffins instead and another caramel macchiato. The calories might be more than his current option and if he was walking to work instead of running he wouldn't spill it this time... probably.
"That doesn't explain why you're on a first name basis with both of them and why they travelled 600 miles to visit after..." The increased level of irritation in Iris' voice trailed off along with the end of her sentence, not wanting to bring up the memory of that time again.
Barry looked down at his watch and sighed. He and Iris were supposed to meet up for dinner and to hang out after he was done with work, but Iris cancelled so she could go on a date with Eddie instead. To make up for it they were supposed to get lunch at Jitters at his break which was now almost up. He was the one to rain check their plans for once this time. Felicity and Oliver had called him up this morning to say that they were in town for a short while. Barry was quick to agree to lunch with his most recent long distance friends.
Plus, lunch with Iris just wasn't the same as lounging on one of their couches with boxes of their favorite take out. They would watch a movie that they had seen several times over, but still caused them to get into playful arguments like 5 year olds and throw candy at one another. 'What was one more delay in their plans?' He had thought at the time almost bitterly. In the three weeks or so since he woke up from his coma this had happened roughly 5 times and he was tired of it already. Why did she seem so mad now that he canceled one time for friends that he could only see once in a blue moon?
Off-handedly he answered her question as he moved around her and continued to the door. So much for his relatively good mood. "I saved his life."
Iris stood there startled for a little gaping at the open air. It wasn't that surprising that Barry saved someone's life. That man would give a stranger the shirt off his back if they asked. No, she was surprised she didn't know about it already.
That had to have happened when he first went to Starling which was almost a year ago! Ok, nine months of that didn't count because he couldn't tell her if he tried. But what about after he came back to Central? Or the three weeks he'd been awake and came back to her? What was wrong with him!? This was huge! Like epic huge and he didn't say a thing!
Iris snapped back to herself just as the door closed behind Barry's back. She quickly dropped her things behind the counter, yelled to Marcy that she was taking her break, then rushed after him. She caught up to him as he checked his timing again on his phone this time. Iris grabbed his shoulder and spun him around to face her. "Why didn't I know?" she demanded. At the slightly perplexed look on Barry's face she clarified. "Why didn't you tell me that you saved Oliver Queen's life? Why didn't I hear about this!?"
A myriad of emotions played on her Bear's face before it seemed to settle on something that Iris thought looked like a combination frustration and something else she couldn't quite put her finger on... maybe resignation?
"Oliver wanted to keep it quiet. He was poisoned. I saved his life by feeding him rat poison," Barry stated with a hand ruffling his hair and a huff of dark humor that still sounded... off... to her. "I don't think all his family knows let alone the media."
Iris felt a seed of worry start to form at the look on Barry's face, but didn't let it stop her from saying in irritation, "Yes, but not telling the media is not the same as not telling me." The off look on his face intensified. Iris tried to place why it unsettled her so much. Barry seemed... worn. Worn down and jaded.
She had seen it in his face before. Hell, they grew up together, so it would be surprising if she hadn't seen it before, especially in the early years just after his mother's passing. However, she hadn't ever seen it quite like this. Before it was a glint in his eyes on bad days that he tried to hide for the West family's benefit. Then he would react to something he was interested in so passionately, so enthusiastically, that her and Joe would forget. They would think that the moment had passed or it was just a trick of the light.
Now though it was painted across his face in broad strokes. It was clear in his eyes, the set of his mouth, and every fiber of his body language. He was barely trying to hide it.
Bear's eyes were almost the same as they were in the past on his worst days except where they were previously tinged with loss and sorrow, they now held frustration and defiance in response to her questioning. There was more irritation in his eyes than she could ever remember seeing pointed at her direction. Warning bells were going off in the back of her mind, but she stubbornly pushed on anyway. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Barry tried to reign himself in. "Iris." He said with strained restraint and warning in his tone, "Can we not do this now? I am going to be late back if I don't continue to the precinct and this is going to turn into a fight if we hash it out now." Then her Bear's eyes softened and the irritated glint died down to the barest of embers as he stated softly, "I don't want to fight you Iris."
After a moment of uneasy silence between them, Barry nodded to himself considering the matter closed and turned to walk back to work. However, Iris' hand didn't move from his elbow.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Drifted quietly over his shoulder. Barry turned sharply to face her again, the embers of frustration flared into white hot anger. How dare she! He bends over backwards for her on a regular basis and Iris couldn't even be bothered to listen to his request and let this one little thing go for now. Barry's anger cooled only slightly upon seeing how lost and confused Iris actually was.
Mentally, Barry cursed himself for loving her so much. Even now when he was this mad at her for not understanding, he didn't want to hurt her. And he knew whatever his answer was it was going to hurt her. He ran his hand through his hair again as he debated what to tell her, all the pros and cons, and all he decided was he was angry. He was angry and he was hurt that Iris kept choosing to care about everyone but him. And he was tired... really, really tired. Barry took a deep shaky breath and then released it along with most of his lingering anger.
When he focused back on the outside world the lost look was gone from Iris' face. Instead she looked concerned and was intently studying his face. Barry knew he was too worn to try and hide anything from her at the moment, even with the brief joy that Oliver's and Felicity's visit had given him. So he let his barriers down (most of them anyway) and let her look.
Iris nearly gasped. Forget the questions and information he didn't tell her. It had been ages since she had seen Barry this raw and weighted down. All of his emotions were there on his face for her to see. Barry never was really good about hiding his emotions, well not from family. (At least she didn't think so until this point.) They were always there, heart on his sleeve, a flurry of emotion on his face and in his expressive eyes. All the same emotions Iris always saw when Barry didn't think anyone was looking were there now. The sorrow, the loneliness, the hurt, the rage. But she had never realized that they still ran this strongly, that her Bear felt them this deeply even after all this time.
She wasn't sure how long she stood there just watching Barry's face, but she knew she had to do something. Iris opened her mouth to ask an innumerable amount of questions. To ask 'are you ok?' (As stupid as that question was because Barry was obviously not ok) or 'what is wrong?' or 'who do I have to kill' or anything really to get that look off his face, but before she got the chance Barry started to speaking.
"When could I have told you?" He said softly, his tone embodying the weary resignation his face and slumped shoulders already started to project and some of the underlying anger too. "Was it when we were talking about other things on the way to watch the particle accelerator turn on? When I was in a coma for 9 months? The 6 or so times when we were supposed to hang out or go to dinner and you rescheduled so you could go on dates with Eddie?
"Maybe I should have told you when I stopped by Jitters so I can see you a bit because it has been too long? Or when I call you up on the phone and we spend our time catching up on what is currently going on in our lives that we don't get to talk about anything else before something comes up and one of us has to hang up earlier than we expected." He said each situation with no accusation or hurt. They were tired facts that Barry clearly believed were unavoidable with absolute certainty.
Iris shook her head in unconscious denial and opened her mouth again, this time to apologize instead of question. Again she was cut off before any sound came out. Barry had briefly put his finger against her lips, startling her to silence, before he continued. "Shhh, no. Don't say you're sorry because it's nobody's fault. Last time you had a boyfriend a similar thing happened. You focused on him and gave it all your heart and time. It wasn't quite as apparent because we were both living at Joe's. I would see someone grab your attention and know what drew you to them. We might not go out together as much, but we were still together all the time at home and I was still the first person you called. I was the person you trusted with everything happening in your life and you were mine.
"But it isn't the same now as before my coma." Iris shook her head more forcefully in denial, but Barry didn't seem to notice as he continued on. "Iris, I don't think you can see it, but our relationship isn't the same as before. You don't act or react quite the same as back then. I don't blame you for it, I could never blame you for it. I wasn't there. I got hit with lightning, but the world continued to spin. Time continued to pass. You couldn't turn to me to talk to, at least not and expect an answer back. You had 9 months to slowly learn that you couldn't rely on me anymore, not solely at least or not at all. The world slowly changed and you changed with it. God forbid anything happened like that again, but if it did, I would never want, or expect, you to stop and stay the same just because I couldn't be there to change with you.
"Then I woke up." Barry said with an echo of his usual smile, before it dropped. Iris desperately wanted to interject, but knew it would be better for Barry to get this all off his chest first. Barry spoke no longer looking at her but across the street. "Everything changed slowly for the world, but I got left behind. I woke up and no one really saw the differences between then and now because they were subtle, gradual, but I could. I didn't have the same chance as everyone else to adjust. There was just this... time gone and now I had to run and catch up.
"It's the same for us. After 9 months you finally got your friend back, but in 1 day I lost how close I was with mine. You had nine months to learn how to cope without me being a constant presence in your life. You found Eddie in that time that I was gone, to help you through and you adjusted in those nine months to not having your best friend. I, on the other hand, have only had 3 weeks, so forgive me if I still haven't completely figured out how to cope with you being here but... not. You're my Iris, but different."
Finally, Iris couldn't take it anymore. "But Bear, I am still right here. You can talk to me any time. You know that."
Barry just raised his eyebrow at her. "Really Iris? Besides now, when is the last we talked. Really talked Iris? Not just zombie movies or what happened in the time we haven't seen each other?"
Iris thought back. She felt like she just talked to him. It couldn't have been that long ago. But as she tried to come up with instances where they had full conversations, she kept drawing a blank. She looked up at his face with mild horror and he just gave her the same look of sad understanding. The only time she could come up with was when they went to the beach several weeks ago.
"I thought initially you were subconsciously pulling back because you were mad that the lightning struck me and that I made you worry. (Iris tried hard not to look affronted at that.) Or that you thought I would relapse, so you were looking to protect yourself from what you would feel if that happened." She mentally agreed with him that while she hadn't thought of these things at the time, the certainly did ring true when he said them to her now. Her Bear really did know her well didn't he?
"But I knew this couldn't be fully true when I passed out in that first week and you thought that I was just lying to the police officer about what happened. You probably would have freaked out more on me if that second option was fully the case, but you just brushed it aside. Then I realized that this was just the new normal and another way the world moved on."
Iris was mentally panicking. When the hell had this happened!? Oh god was he ok? It must have been when those armed men came after the doctor giving his speech. There wasn't anything wrong with him now though right? He was going to Star Lab pretty frequently. What if it was to follow up on his condition after the lightning. What if there was something wrong with him and he was trying to get it treated there? Could that be the case and she didn't know until now!? Oh, god! How could she not know about this until now! Three weeks had passed. What if she was going to loose him again. She didn't think she could handle it again. It was bad enough when he pulled away from her with the blog thing. This must be what a panic attack felt like. She was a hair's breadth away from hyperventilating.
"Iris. Iris!" Barry said shaking her shoulders a bit to get her attention. "I'm ok! There is nothing physically wrong with me." Iris tried to slow herself down, taking deep breaths to get back under control. When she was ready she gave him a nod to continue. Barry couldn't help but feel a little bit of morbid pleasure deep down that the thought that something happening to him caused her to react so violently. He might not have her love in the way he wanted it, but she did care for him. It would be enough. It had to be enough for now.
Barry wasn't really sure where to start off again. The only real reason that most of that came out to begin with was all the emotion he had too close to the surface today and he wasn't focusing on Iris' presence that much. He wasn't worried if he hurt her feelings because he was mostly talking to himself at that point. Now he was aware of her again and it felt awkward to be admitting all of this and knowing that any and every word he said was likely to hurt her.
Seeing his reluctance to start talking again, Iris decided to prompt him. There was no way this wasn't going to hurt her, but she needed to know. Barry needed to say it even if she didn't like what she heard. No matter what he said, this was largely her fault. Listening to him now could only go towards her penance for what unconscious pains Iris had caused him. "You are physically ok...?" She cautiously questioned him.
Barry took in a sharp breadth and looked away from her again. He forgot how perceptive and quick she could be when she wanted to. He never intended for her to pick up on that bit. He shifted his weight uncomfortably and ran his hand through his hair yet again. (He was going to have to break himself of this habit and soon. He felt like he had done nothing else all day...)
He couldn't look at her, but he could feel her concerned questioning gaze. She was trying. Iris was trying for him. The least he could do was try and answer. For both of their sakes. Cautiously he continued trying to choose his words carefully. "I'm...healthy I guess. I'm not sure even if we did talk about it, it would make sense. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not sure you can understand. Like when I was trying to explain before about how missing time affects a person."
Iris took one of Barry's hands into hers and gave it what she hoped was a reassuring squeeze. Barry's lip twitched upwards even if he continued to face away. Iris counted it as a mini victory anyway.
"A bit of it is realizing that you missed events. Birthdays, Christmas, 4th of July, family dinners and movie nights have all come and gone without you. I missed being there for you when you visited your Mom's grave. I didn't know Detective Chyre died and Officer Jen Larson got pregnant and gave birth in the time I was unconscious.
"A bit more is the jarring amount of changes that happened in the world like I said before. Oliver and I tried to come up with an analogy to explain what it was like the best we could. Think of the world as a large complete wood puzzle where each piece is a person or thing. Then you take out the piece that represents yourself and add a slow leak of water falling onto the puzzle. The water being events and experiences. Over time, the water warps the completed puzzle and changes the shape of the pieces, but they all still fit together because they are changing together."
Even though Barry couldn't see it Iris nodded along with his description, listening intently as he explained further. "Now what happens when you bring back the piece that represents yourself? The hole that you took the piece from still exists, but the water damage to the rest of the puzzle caused the borders to change. Where once the piece fit seamlessly, it now has to be forced into place or simply doesn't fit at all anymore."
Realization dawned on Iris just how much being on the other side of the coma effected Barry. Somehow she had believed that he was awake so he was completely fine before. She didn't think that it really meant anything to Barry because he was asleep even though it was trying for those awake. He was right. Iris didn't understand what he was going through. Hell, she didn't realize he was going through anything at all because awake meant better in her brain.
How did she not notice Barry's stressed ticks that were so glaringly obvious now? The pulling at the end of his sleeves, shifting his weight between his feet, his drawn face, ruffling his hair a lot, that he ordered a caramel macchiato with an extra shot of espresso just before when he was in Jitters for his lunch. One thing stood out from what he said though that she had to ask about even if it hurt. "You and Oliver...?"
Barry shrugged and stated, "I had to talk to someone and I knew he would understand." Iris was sure a slap to the face would have hurt less, but could she really begrudge her friend this when he so clearly needed all the support he could get? (She could ignore the throb in her chest and the little voice in the back of her head that reminded her like an open sore that it was her fault that she wasn't still his person, his sole confidant.)
"My time in a coma and his on the island gave us a shared experience that few can relate to. While he faced a far more extreme version of it, Oliver knows what it is like to come home and have very few things be exactly how he remembered them. I'm trying to learn to lean on him, Felicity, Cisco, Caitlyn, Thad, Niff and Santana to a certain extent when I am unable to turn to you. You and Joe were so happy I was ok. I couldn't be the one to take that away from you two and tell you that I wasn't really."
Iris took Barry's face into her hands so she could watch his eyes as he answered her next question. "Barry," she started slowly but firmly to make sure he could hear every bit of emotion, concern and all the others, in her voice. "I would rather know. Things can get bad if we bottle things up. I'm pretty sure we proved that way back when we were in high school. (She pointedly ignored Barry's huff of poorly timed humor at the reference as well as the flurry of complicated emotions that flashed through his eyes before it.) I don't care what I was supposed to be doing or what my plans were. Let me know if you need me and your not ok. I would rather be prepared and help you with the truth than to be woefully oblivious to your pain. So Barry, tell me honestly, minus the time warp/ coma jet lag," Barry burst into a bout of incredulous laughter at that. Iris grinned a bit at the lighter sound then got serious again, "are you ok?"
Barry let a small, but genuinely fond smile play on his lips. "I'm still edgy with loud sounds and thunderstorms, but I'm not getting panic attacks from them anymore. I'm sure my neighbors aren't exactly thrilled with me waking them in the middle of the night either, but that's happening less often too. Other than that, I think I'm ok."
Actively taking in the dark smudges under his eyes for the first time she said, "We'll talk about your nightmares later on tonight, but I think you need to recover from unloading for now."
He looked at her startled. "Tonight?"
She nodded. "Yes, when I come over for dinner tonight and a movie. Eddie can suck it up. My best friend needs me now." Iris couldn't help but think that the tentative slightly shy smile that broke out on Barry's face was both beautiful and tragic. Trying to get back to their usual lighter banter, Iris said, "You know, I think I know teenagers with less angst than you right now..."
Barry gave a half hearted attempt of laughter so she pushed onward. "We'll get you some guyliner and blackout curtains. I'll even help you paint your nails tonight..."
Barry's laughter became more genuine and he shoved her shoulder making her hands fall from his face. Iris's grin became slightly triumphant and smug. "How will you find that girl who sees just how amazing you are that way?"
And just like that all her progress was gone. She watched as the loneliness, sorrow and other emotions flickered over his face again before she watched his barriers go back up and he gave a self-deprecating chuckle at himself. Iris reached for his face again, but Barry stepped out of her reach this time. Iris could figure out why he reacted like that later. For now she voiced her renewed concern. "Bear?"
He shook his head wryly and answered in what Iris thought was an exceedingly cryptic way. Barry spoke softly while sending a small sad, but still kind smile her way, "Iris, there are times you see me so clearly you understand me better than I understand myself. And then sometimes you don't see me at all. Maybe it's because you know I'll always be there. I don't know. You can go on your date with Eddie, Iris. I'll be fine." He added more to the thought, more to himself than to her even though she heard it all the same. "I'm always fine," Then, without waiting for a response, he turned and started to walk back to the station.
This entire conversation with Barry was tough, but that last smile hurt Iris the most because it was for her benefit. He didn't seem to really believe that she would want to be there for him. Here was Barry telling her that she essentially abused his care and friendship by ignoring him for her own life, but his smile spoke of the care he had for her. Barry had expected her to selfishly leave him to his problems and go on a date. He accepted that as his normal and now that she knew, it was unacceptable to her.
But that smile... The smile was to lessen the impact of Barry's words. So that she wasn't hurt by the knowledge that she was the cause of some of the sadness and loneliness in his eyes. To let her know he forgave her for all the things she didn't know. It was another punch in the gut and suddenly she couldn't breathe around the lump in her throat. She didn't even deserve to call him her Bear did she? Not with how she had been unconsciously treating him.
Iris stood in that spot looking at where Barry disappeared from for a long time not even noticing that quiet tears of grief were falling for her friend. She promised herself, no, she promised Barry right then and there that it wouldn't happen again. She would never forget about or ignore the needs of her oldest and dearest friend. Iris promised she would never miss something this big about Barry again. She was going to be the friend he deserved. He shouldn't always have to be fine. Iris started to pull out her cell phone. She had a call to make.
A/N: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! My extra long chapter is my gift to you, even though it is a bit sad and angsty for a way to celebrate the holidays. I promise the next one won't be quite so heavy. Anyways, best wishes to you and yours this season and for the coming year!