Amelia rubbed her two thumbs together and gazed out towards the crashing waves. She had been sitting out on the back patio since Alice had stormed out, mulling over what had been said to her. The teenager had turned on her so quickly and so viciously that she was left doubting everything that had happened over the few months. The idea that Alice didn't actually trust her or even the idea that she was trying to help her had been quite honestly a bit heartbreaking. She felt stupid for getting attached to the teen, especially after all the warnings from Lexie and Derek and Meredith.
"Hey." Amelia jumped at the voice behind her and she whirled around on her chair to find Alice standing at the sliding doors. The neurosurgeon was silent, trying to read the expression on the younger girl's face.
Alice stared at Amelia, waiting for her to reply. Her heart started to speed up at the expression on the older woman's face and she started to go over what she had said before she left the house. And then it dawned on her that she may have actually hurt Amelia.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I get defensive really easily. I'm sorry." She blurted out, hurrying down the three steps in front of her and approaching the older woman. Alice pushed past her usual physical reservations and threw her arms around Amelia. "Please don't hate me." She murmured desperately.
Amelia was shocked into silence for a few seconds as Alice hugged her tightly. The girl in front of her seemed completely changed back from the new one she had encountered in the kitchen beforehand.
"I don't hate you, Alice. It's okay. I'm never going to hate you." Amelia comforted her finally, wrapping her arms around the girl's slim torso. The despair she had felt in the pit of her stomach when Alice left disappeared.
"I'm just sorry." Alice muttered, resting her forehead on Amelia's forehead and sighing. She felt the surgeon rub her back and relaxed a bit.
"Stop. It's okay. Let's just go inside, alright?" Amelia suggested, leaning back and nodding towards the house. Alice nodded at her, fighting back the sting of tears in her eyes; tears that had caught her completely by surprise, and released her grip on Amelia. The dark haired woman offered a very small smile before leading her up into the nodded hesitantly, running through a list of possible negotiations that she herself had in mind.
"No taking off like that. Not without telling us where you're going, anyways. It's only natural for us to assume that you're running off to go get high, so it isn't fair to leave us in the dust wondering what the hell we should do next." Alice winced at the difficult position she had put Amelia in, and nodded in agreement.
"No demands. I'm full of issues and don't have the best track record for making sound decisions, but I'm old enough that I need some control over my own life."
"Honesty- always. It doesn't matter how ugly things get, you need to be straight up with me so that I can help you."
"Yeah, fine. Are we ok then, about tonight?" Worry crept into Alice's tone; she had come to know the neurosurgeon fairly well but she still wasn't as comfortable with getting a read on a situation as she was with everyone back in Seattle.
"Yeah, it's all good. Can I trust you to fix yourself a belated dinner? I need to get up in five hours, and my bed has been feeling pretty neglected lately."
Alice finally cracked a smile and nodded, watching her older companion head for the second level. Once out of sight, Alice rooted around in her pocket and pulled out her phone.
Thanks again for putting up with my basket of crazy- you were right, and things are better here now.
Alice hit send on the message to Elle before she could talk herself out of it.
—-
The flight to Seattle, as well as the small reunion in the airport had left Alice completely on edge and in need of isolation. She hadn't expected to be rattled by seeing Lexie, especially, but she was. The brunette was very pregnant and very oblivious to the guilty memories that were eating her up inside. Hiding things was something that Alice was especially gifted at, but she felt like she was about to explode here. It was hard to even look at the surgeon.
"Shit," Alice mumbled under her breath as they stepped in the residents' house.
"Welcome Home!" It seemed like the entire hospital staff was hugging her and Alice struggled not to panic. She masked her discomfort with forced smiles and fake "It's so good to be back"s all the while gasping mentally for air. It was only the occasional eye contact from Amelia that kept her from running out the door. The dark haired woman knew she was freaking out.
"Alright guys; give her some space. And while you're at it, give me some pizza." The neurosurgeon dispersed the crowd somewhat and Alice glanced at her gratefully.
"What; no warm greeting for your favorite psychiatrist?" Alice jumped as someone slipped an arm around her own and found Jessica smirking up at her. "Are you okay?" The older woman whispered a second later. Alice panicked even more; paranoid that her act wasn't going to hold up.
"I'm fine. Really not in the mood for a session right now, Dr. Lewis." She murmured. Jessica rolled her eyes.
"Dr. Lewis? So formal nowadays," Jessica noted. "Do you need to get out of here?"
"I'm fine." Alice locked her jaw and pulled out of her grip. "Thanks." The teenager hurried away from her former therapist and forced herself to look less nauseous than she felt as she stepped into the main area of the house. The large group of doctors had already began to grab themselves slices of pizza and scattered around the living room and dining room. Alice looked around uncertainly and opted to sit beside Callie and Arizona finally. From what she knew, they had no clue about the relapse in Seattle and although Arizona would definitely watch how much she was eating.
"Hey, what are you doing over here with us?" Callie frowned and looked across the room where Jo was sitting.
"I just sat somewhere." The teenager shrugged.
"Don't you want to see your sister?"
"I'll see her later." Alice mumbled. "And I didn't really come home to get interrogated." With that, she stood up from beside them and immediately went for Amelia. Dodging the potential conversation starters, she found the neurosurgeon in the kitchen, talking to her older brother. Both of the Shepherds paused and looked at her in surprise.
"Alice! Tired of the welcome brigade already?" Derek chuckled. The dark haired man pulled out one of the stools at the counter and offered her a seat, much to Alice's relief. Derek was almost as intuitive as his younger sibling when it came to the emotions of others.
"It's a little overwhelming." She admitted.
"Understandable. Grab a slice and hide out for a while." Derek handed her a plate and leaned back against the counter. Though she wasn't hungry in the slightest, Alice forced herself to eat a slice of pizza under Amelia's watchful gaze. She was content to listen to the surgeons banter back and forth for a while, before Lexie and Mark stepped in.
"There you are!" Lexie waddled up next to Alice with one hand on her back and the other on her very pregnant belly. Alice tensed, something that Amelia noticed immediately.
"Yep, here she is." The LA resident stepped in. "Just getting a breather from the party. There's a lot of people here."
"No, yeah, I totally understand. It's getting a little crowded out there." Lexie nodded. The surgeon put a hand on Alice's back and the teen forced herself not to pull away. She shouldn't have come back here. This house and these people still reminded her of memories that were far too raw.
"Jo was looking for you too," Lexie went on. "If you want to get a break, you two could go for a walk." Although the idea of spending alone time with Jo was nerve-wracking, it was better than being stuck in the house with everyone else.
"Good idea," Alice hopped off of her stool and rushed out of the kitchen; eager to find Jo and get out of there. Snaking her way through the residents' house, Alice once again dodged conversation starters with quick "Great to see you!"s and "I'm good; how are you?"s. She finally snagged her sister off of one of the sofas and pulled her out the door.
"What are we doing?" Jo laughed in confusion.
"Going on a walk." Alice replied curtly. The teenager looked around and breathed in deeply a few times. She felt a little better almost immediately now that she was out in the open. The Washington air was cooler and wetter than what she had grown used to in LA, but it was fresh air nonetheless.
"What's up with you? You've been really reserved all night." Jo noted as she and Alice stepped down off of the porch and onto the sidewalk. Alice shot a quick glance her way and then locked her eyes back on the cement. She had been anxious from the moment Lexie had suggested they take a walk for fear of her noticing her off disposition. As much as she had tried to talk herself up for the visit home, it had still made her nervous. Facing her sister after her latest fuck up, facing an oblivious Lexie, tied in with more people than she had expected being at the dinner had only made matters worse and she had tried her best to hide her discomfort.
"It's nothing. I'm good. Jet lag maybe." The younger girl replied quickly. Jo, despite having only known her for a bit, immediately picked up on the fact that she was lying.
"That's not it. Come on, talk to me. Was there another slip or something?" She asked carefully. Alice's head whipped towards her at the subtle accusation and she rolled her eyes in annoyance.
"Yeah, of course. Blame it on me fucking up." The teenager mumbled.
"That wasn't it at all. But you can't blame me for guessing if you're not going to open up." Jo defended herself immediately and fought the overwhelming feeling that she was about to push Alice's buttons a little too much.
"I haven't used again since...since the last time. I'm just nervous here now." Alice's reply was quiet, a little ashamed, and her cheeks burned red. Jo softened her aggressive stance a bit and realized that Alice was just a bit scared. She had suspected it a bit when she had seen that both Addison and Amelia had come along, but had decided to push it off as Alice growing attached to the two women.
"What are you nervous about?" Alice hid a smirk and looked up at the orange tinted sky. For once, it was a clear night in Seattle, and the setting sun was casting shades of yellow mixed with red across the horizon.
"Everything. You knowing about last time and Lexie not. The future. The baby. Seeing everyone else again and knowing that they're trying to gauge how mentally stable I am. I mean, Jessica was practically interrogating me the second I got in the door and that's not even her job anymore." Alice ranted, shaking her head irritably.
"Believe it or not, despite the fact that she wasn't your ideal psychiatrist, she does care a lot about you. I think once she described you as 'the irritating step-sister that she never asked for but grew not to mind'. Your sarcasm is practically in sync." Jo chuckled at her younger sibling, hoping to lighten her mood, and she relaxed when Alice's smirk turned into an actual smile.
"That description is actually spot on. And yeah, I mean, we're fine now that she's not actually my doctor. But there's been a lot of shit between us." Alice replied. Jo recalled the conversation she had had with the psychiatrist a few days ago.
"Hey, Dr. Lewis, do you have a second?" Jo stuck her head through the office she had spent half an hour tracking down and waited for the doctor's reply anxiously. The young women looked up from her desk in surprise, but nodded and gestured towards the chair in front of her. Jo slipped through the doorway and sat down across from her.
"So what can I do for you, Wilson? You interested in a psych residency?" She asked, glancing back down at her paperwork.
"No. I mean, psych is great and all, I wasn't trying to not sound uninterested or anything," Jo rambled. "I'm just here to talk about Alice." That got Jessica's attention and she set her pen down. The redhead leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms.
"Since she's a minor and you're her family; okay. What do you want to know?"
"She's...she's very private about her actual issues and I think that if I know more about them, I can help her more. But I don't want to freak her out and push too much, so I came to you." Jo explained. Jessica nodded in understanding and opened her filing cabinet. The psychiatrist skimmed through her folders before pulling out the one with Alice's name and opening it.
"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Self Harm, Mentions of Suicide, Substance Abuse Issues, and Anorexia. She also has a hard time with physical touch and allowing herself to feel unsafe in front of anyone, no matter the relationship. She's reckless, self-loathing, instinctive, and incredibly intelligent. When it comes to fight or flight, she'll run first. If that's not an option, she'll defend herself and her wants any way she can." Jessica summarized, scanning her notes quickly. Jo nodded, taking it in, and waited for the doctor to continue. "She likes to pretend she only cares about herself, but that isn't true. Alice is just afraid that if she gets attached and lets anyone in, they're going to abandon her. That's her biggest issue. Abandonment."
"So what do I do?" Jo sounded downright lost after Jessica's warning. The older woman shut her file and locked eyes with her former patient's older sister.
"Look, as far as our sessions went, Alice and I clashed a lot. I'm sure she doesn't consider me one of her closest friends, but when she was getting clean, she at least accepted the fact that I care about her. Even after the knife thing, I made sure she knew I wasn't going anywhere-" Jo cut her off.
"What knife incident?" Jessica paused, realizing that this was a can of worms that had not yet been opened, and pursed her lips.
"She was pretty desperate for a fix when we were getting her clean. Alice pulled a pocket knife during a bad withdrawal, but no one was hurt. That's one of her biggest regrets, and I know she changed after that day. That's when she started putting everyone else before herself." The psychiatrist elaborated. Jo's eyes had widened and she found it hard to imagine Alice threatening anyone.
"I just want her to know that I really, really want to be here for her." The younger doctor's voice was laced with desperation and Jessica felt a pang of pity for her.
"Then show her that any way you can. Don't let her push you away and don't back off when she wants you to. Alice needs someone to stay even when she hates them for it." Jessica advised wisely. Jo nodded, grateful for the advice, and glanced down at her pager as it began to beep.
"Thank you so much for your time. She's coming back this weekend, if you want to come over for dinner." Jo offered the invitation quickly as she dashed out the door, towards the pediatric ward.
While Jo was temporarily distracted by her flashback, Alice had noticed a car creeping up alongside them by the sidewalk. Though the make and model certainly weren't familiar, she got a sickening feeling the more it slowed near the curb. She tried to convince herself she was just being paranoid, and when she peered into the front windows, she almost did. They couldn't be here right now. Not when she was finally getting herself together. Not with Jo.
"My friends are here to pick me up. We're going out to dinner. Let everyone know I'll be back later." Alice's voice was void of emotion as she put a hand on Jo's arm to stop her. The older girl's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and she opened her mouth to disapprove. "Just let them know my friends are picking me up." The muscles around Alice's jaw tightened and she stared into her sister's eyes earnestly. "Just go back."
Jo stood, shocked and unable to do anything as Alice hurried down the street to a newly parked car. The teenager leaned over and something in Jo's stomach twisted as the passenger side window rolled down. It wasn't a teenager in the front seat. It was an adult woman. Nevertheless, Alice gave a curt nod and got into the backseat seconds later.
Something wasn't right. In fact, something felt very wrong.
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