I hold so much distaste for this chapter. But hey, it's up, and you can see at this point how things are going for our main characters. It's getting so dark. Basically everyone is really upset. Can you blame them, after the events of the last chapter?

So, I'm really sorry I dropped off the face of the planet. I haven't had a single day to spend on my own things since...February, probably. Whenever I last updated. I logged in and my doc manager was nearly empty, which goes to show how long it has been since I visited my friend . Anyways, I'm not dead, and I'm going to try to spend this Easter weekend writing some stuff for Elemental.

Enjoy!

Chapter 13: The Calm Within

Littlefalcon stood on the edge. He supposed he did this often, this wandering along the cracks in the world. Sometimes two paths would sprawl out before them, and it was all he could do to look to each side and stop himself from going backwards. He never was able to go forwards, in either direction. Sometimes it was a literal line he had to cross, and sometimes he managed to do that much. Most of the time he stood with a paw on both sides, and he wasn't sure where he had started or where he was going.

"We're going to have full mastery over our powers," said Skysong, her nose in the air as she paced back and forth in front of Littlefalcon, Mountainstone, and a despondent Birdfeather. "No more disasters." She turned to face them and stared right at Littlefalcon. "We're here to save cats."

"How are we going to train our powers?" said Mountainstone. "Sorry, but we don't even know how they work most of the time."

"We do," said Littlefalcon.

"Do we?" said Mountainstone. "I mean, they keep switching around. Suddenly Birdfeather can persuade people and Littlefalcon can't. What's next to change?"

Littlefalcon stared at his paws and refused to answer the question. Seeing him give up, Mountainstone sniffed and shook his head.

"We'll master what we know we have," said Skysong. "And that's our elements. They're the most dangerous anyways."

Littlefalcon tilted his head. He would give her that.

"What are you going to make me do?" said Birdfeather. "Light the forest on fire? I don't know how that will help."

"Yes," said Skysong, her eyes flashing. "Because that way, you'll learn how to put the fire out."

Littlefalcon glanced at Birdfeather, who opened her mouth to protest but couldn't find the words. Since the Gathering, she was little more than a shell of what she had been before. She sat alone most of the day, doing her duty with enough polite smile and sweet comment that it seemed real, but when she thought no one was looking, she receded into herself. Her steps were more cautious now, her ears and tail always at alert, as if she knew a hawk was going to sweep down on her and whisk her away for making a mistake that was always going to happen anyways.

In all honesty, Littlefalcon knew that Skysong's training was a good idea. Of course he knew that. He still didn't know how to place his feelings towards using his powers in such a normal setting, when there was no one around. He didn't want the others to see how he was starting to fail in places they were starting to succeed.

"I'll be here to put out your fire, if you can't do it," said Littlefalcon, pressing his tail tip to Birdfeather's flank. His words sounded just sweet enough, his smile looked just polite enough, to be real. Somehow, Birdfeather bought his support, and she stepped forward when Skysong beckoned her. Mountainstone shifted on Littlefalcon's other side.

If you say anything…Littlefalcon thought furiously at Mountainstone. His brother flicked an ear to recognize the mental contact, but said nothing. It kind of infuriated Littlefalcon to sit between Birdfeather's faded spirit and Mountainstone's guarded one, but he was to say nothing. They would have to learn to settle their conflicts without him interfering.

Hesitantly, Birdfeather took a deep breath and focused on the log nearest her. Littlefalcon watched with detached interest as it lit on fire, the light-colored flames consuming the bark with ease. He watched as the leaves around it lit up in the inferno under Birdfeather's watchful eye.

"Now extinguish," said Skysong, like a mentor to an apprentice. Birdfeather closed her eyes tight and exhaled sharply, and the fire dissipated. Her ears perking, a smile that seemed real on her face, Birdfeather turned to her brothers.

"I did it!" she said.

"Now, you did it," said Mountainstone. The happiness shattered on Birdfeather's face.

"You don't have to be like that," said Littlefalcon, rounding on his brother. He could see how Mountainstone loathed them all. He could see the way Mountainstone was ready to break them all, to unsheathe his claws and teach them all a lesson. Mountainstone had always been the perceptive one, even if his other siblings claimed it had been them all along. That made sense, too – Mountainstone was the perfect warrior. He noticed everything and processed it within moments. Maybe he didn't understand what he was internalizing, but his problems had always been those of a warrior. So he was frustrated with Birdfeather's flawed moral compass. So he was irritated with Willowleaf's continual cowardice. So he was ready to claw his own fur out whenever Skysong pulled her condescending act. Could Littlefalcon blame him for that? All that Mountainstone hated about cats, he could see in his littermates. Including Littlefalcon – because Littlefalcon was, of course, the one that would fail them first in the middle of a crisis.

Littlefalcon squared his jaws and stared at Mountainstone, and Mountainstone stared right back. He had always been unyielding, but as Littlefalcon narrowed his eyes, determined for once to win, Mountainstone probably saw the desperation more than the threat. That's the only reason he turned his head back to Skysong. He had seen and internalized the desperation more than the threat. As Birdfeather returned softly to Littlefalcon's side, Littlefalcon watched Mountainstone step up beside Skysong.

"I can control my powers just fine," said Mountainstone.

"Even the greatest warrior needs to practice his skills," said Skysong in a level voice. Mountainstone tipped his head to concede the point and took up a fighting stance.

"What will you have me do?" he said.

"Protect Birdfeather," said Skysong suddenly, and before Littlefalcon's brain could process what was happening, a boulder was flying towards them. Birdfeather cried out, but even as she dived to the side the boulder followed her. Mountainstone blinked once. The boulder shattered into a thousand pieces, the dust vanishing in the air in a moment alone. And Birdfeather looked up, shaking, at Mountainstone.

"You didn't think I'd protect you?" said Mountainstone.

"Why would you?" said Birdfeather. She licked her lips. Mountainstone's eyes narrowed, and he looked away.

"You're my Clan-mate," he said. "I'll always protect my Clan."

Birdfeather nodded slowly but didn't move.

"What's next?" said Mountainstone to Skysong. "Are you going to put yourself in danger this time?"

They don't deserve this kind of scolding. Mountainstone glared at Littlefalcon, who instantly regretted sending the thoughts.

"If you have something to say to me, you can say it so we can all hear," said Mountainstone. "The four of us, and Willowleaf, when she gets back, are a team. If we have problems with each other, we talk them out."

"I just think you haven't been very kind lately," said Littlefalcon.

"I don't need to be," said Mountainstone. "You all know I'd protect you until the end, and I'm going to fight with you until my very last breath. But whatever I say to you, you've brought upon yourself."

"That's fair," said Skysong. "We've made mistakes. I don't mind you calling us out on them."

"This Gathering has gotten in our way of talking to each other," said Littlefalcon. "If we're going to do anything right, we have to be on the same page."

"No, we have to be on the page you want us to be," said Mountainstone. "I know you're always going to be a step ahead."

Littlefalcon made himself laugh, and the way his eyes crinkled must have reminded Mountainstone of a happier time, for the ultimate warrior smiled as well. A step ahead – how he had always been, when he didn't know anything. And now that he knew more than he wanted to know, it felt like he was falling farther and farther behind.

XX

That evening, his bones tired from the water flowing up and down his spirit, Littlefalcon made his way carefully to the medicine den. He had seen Jayfeather go out. His shadow cast over Birdfeather as he stepped into the entrance. She looked up as he stood there, her green eyes dull.

"It's you," she said.

"I have to talk to you," said Littlefalcon.

"Go on," said Birdfeather. "I can't fight you." Littlefalcon stepped fully inside the den and sat over his sister, who didn't seem ready to stand up. She at least tilted her head up towards him. It was submission to the highest level.

"You aren't going to want to hear this," said Littlefalcon. "But you need to get over what happened at the Gathering."

Birdfeather sat up then, her entire body shifting to express the disbelief in her eyes alone.

"How could you say that?" she said. "Cats died because of me."

"Does that define who you are? Cats have lived because of you. Or have you forgotten everything that has happened before this?"

"The sickness killed cats," said Birdfeather. "I saved their lives, only to take them. What good did I do then? Can you tell me that, Littlefalcon?"

"Your magic has the potential to destroy everything."

Birdfeather recoiled from his words, but Littlefalcon held steady. He did not smile politely or laugh. Instead, he let her see his calm and his composure. Nothing was more terrifying to Birdfeather. He watched her whole image of herself change. He watched the lights come on in her eyes and then fade away again. He watched the fire buried in Birdfeather's soul ignite again, and then she shook her head.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you're not fighting hard enough," said Littlefalcon. Birdfeather narrowed her eyes.

"I'm doing everything I can," she said.

"You're not," said Littlefalcon. "I'm challenging you to do better."

"What if this is the best I can do?" said Birdfeather.

"Then in the moment it really counts, you'll fail," said Littlefalcon. He lashed his tail. The words were coming too easy for him, and image after image of the fire and the ice flashed through his mind. The nightmares lived on every second Birdfeather stood here blinking her bright green eyes at him. If she didn't fix everything…if she wasn't enough to save them…

"I don't want to destroy anything," said Birdfeather quietly. "I think Skysong might be going about it the right way. If I stay with her training, I can do it."

"That's not enough," said Littlefalcon, shaking his head. "You need to get over the Gathering."

"Are you asking me to forget about it?" said Birdfeather.

"Never! I just need you to focus."

"You are certainly one to lecture me," said Birdfeather, her eyes flashing. She hissed, turning her head to the side. "You could have put out the fire. You could stop everything right now, couldn't you? Acting all calm. You've always been in control, haven't you?"

"How could you say that?" said Littlefalcon. He tried to stop his paws from trembling. He had to continue to be calm, or he would break open neatly. Birdfeather couldn't bear to see him split. "I'm trying as hard as I can."

"Maybe you're not trying hard enough, then," said Birdfeather. "You're hiding something from me, and I know it. I can see it."

"Yes, because you're just a perfect little liar," said Littlefalcon. Birdfeather hissed. "What do you think I'm hiding? Go on."

"How should I know?" said Birdfeather. "All I really know is that you have a secret, and you're keeping it from everyone."

Littlefalcon wanted to laugh. Birdfeather narrowed her eyes, as if daring him to deny it. But he was one step ahead.

"Every night, I can't sleep for nightmares of you and Willowleaf destroying the world," said Littlefalcon. Birdfeather blinked twice. "Every night without fail. I'm standing in the middle of the world on fire, or the world frozen over. You two are never there. It's only me. I'm always alone."

His voice was rising dangerously. Birdfeather took a step closer to him and reached out with an unsteady paw to touch his shoulder.

"I can't say why you feel this way," she said. "But maybe it's because you don't trust us. And I need you to."

"Because otherwise you can't trust in yourself, I know," said Littlefalcon. He shook her off. Birdfeather turned in a tight circle, almost as if planning to sit back in her nest. Then she sighed.

"Destroying the world," she said. "Why doesn't that panic me?"

Littlefalcon watched her slight smile and the way her eyes studied the top of the medicine den. His heart broke a little to see her like this, half there and half entirely separated from this period at all. It was like seeing Mountainstone bully his sisters. It was like the moment Willowleaf returned from living as a rogue, with her eyes all wide and frantic. Were these the cats they were turning into? And were these the siblings Littlefalcon would have to treasure? He missed how they used to be before all this had happened. Maybe he could go back in his memories to a day before there were prophecies to worry about and powers to control. When Birdfeather was a shy kit that talked too quietly or too loudly. When Mountainstone loved every moment of his life – and himself. When Willowleaf was wide-eyed and unafraid.

He realized then that his eyes were filling with tears, and one slipped from his eye and hit the ground. Birdfeather's mouth opened in concern.

"Why can't you tell me the truth, Littlefalcon?" said Birdfeather. "You keep saying you're all alone, but it isn't true. You have us. It's always been the five of us."

"I can't," said Littlefalcon, because he didn't want to fall apart here. Not in this place of healing. It would destroy Birdfeather to know that there was a wound she couldn't heal. Even now, concerning herself over him had done enough to being stitching herself back together again. He had accomplished his two goals: to put her back on her paws, and to make her see the catastrophe looming over her head. He had wanted to orient her to reality. Now that she saw it, he could take his leave.

"I'm here for you," said Birdfeather. "I am."

"I get the feeling that I won't be here forever," said Littlefalcon, and the words weren't part of his plan. He let himself smile. "I feel like I'm drifting. Passing between one world and another. But I want to say here."

"Then stay," said Birdfeather. "And be present. Don't hide behind the mask you're always hiding behind."

"It's a little hard," said Littlefalcon. Birdfeather shook her head. She had the stubborn look in her eye again, the fire back in her movements.

"I don't care how hard it is," said Birdfeather. "You're my brother, and I will not let you hurt like this."

He trusted her to do just that, because Birdfeather had always been the perfect medicine cat. She had come face-to-face with death. She had brought cats back from the brink of pain, and she had paved her own path. Littlefalcon knew that so long as he suffered, she would work hard for him and for every single suffering cat in the Clan. Birdfeather would heal until her very last drop of blood had been spilt, or the earth had been reduced to cinders. Either way. With the ability to help came a great ability to hurt.

"Thank you, Birdfeather," said Littlefalcon.

"Wind said that you should enjoy your life," said Birdfeather.

"She's right, as always," said Littlefalcon. He let himself smile again. "I'll try, Birdfeather. I'll try."

"I'll enjoy myself if you do," said Birdfeather, flicking her tail. "It's funny. We've all sort of fallen apart."

"I want it to be how it was before," said Littlefalcon. Birdfeather nodded.

"Let's finish our dumb prophecy and then make it happen," she said. Littlefalcon smiled and nodded, and even though he felt like he was selling his soul, he wouldn't let her see how much her simple happiness hurt him.

X

The hellfire came for him again in his sleep. Descending like a curtain of flame, this time chasing him and him alone. Littlefalcon knew he could put out the inferno with just a command, but he knew that once he did, the dream world would shatter around him. So he just ran from the hellfire, ducking under flame and jumping over flame and dancing around flame. So much flame.

When he finally felt the heat licking at his ankles, Littlefalcon sat up with a jolt. He wasn't in the center of the clearing this time, but at his nest at the very outside of the warriors den. After so many nightmares, he had moved here so he could do exactly what he was going to do now - duck out for a splash of moonlight.

Littlefalcon stretched in the moon. He hadn't talked to Ivychase in a while, and he was beginning to miss her. He knew she couldn't visit him, and he knew how it was getting more difficult for her to do anything but sit in the nursery all day. With her five kits – the five kits they would share amongst their Clans, if such things were possible – she was going to be in the nursery for a while. He smiled to himself in the breeze of midnight. Distracting himself like this was the most lovely sensation. He could just imagine what these kits would be like – brave and beautiful like their mother. They would have traits of their aunts and uncles, too. Hopefully none of them would be like him.

"Again?" The sound of Icecloud's voice made Littlefalcon turn around. His mother stepped out into the cold of the night and approached him, her pelt glimmering in the moonlight. Maybe Littlefalcon's kits would be kind and thoughtful, like Icecloud. He hoped some of Icecloud's gentle nature was passed on throughout the generations.

"I don't want to worry you," said Littlefalcon.

"How often do you sleep?" said Icecloud. "I rarely see you in the warriors den at night. You always make your way out here."

"Nightmares and thoughts," said Littlefalcon. Icecloud made a soft mumbling noise, almost like she wanted to contradict him. She sat beside him instead.

"Aren't you afraid?" said Icecloud. "Everyone says things are ending. After the Gathering…" She shook her head. "I don't know how you would manage it."

"With some difficulty," said Littlefalcon softly. Icecloud turned to him and gently took a step closer, so that their pelts touched. Littlefalcon wanted to jerk away and keep all his walls up. He wanted to run away from Icecloud, because Icecloud was the first thing he had ever scented upon entering this world. And remembering her was remembering his kithood, that period of time where his memory had stretched vast and wide. Any little thought was internalized and then forgotten as he grew up, but now it was all coming back to him. So instead, Littlefalcon found himself leaning into his mother's shoulder, letting some of his weight collapse onto her instead.

He could taste Icecloud's wordless happiness. He could nearly hear the hum of her disbelieving thoughts – that he was finally letting her in. Littlefalcon tried not to think of these thoughts. He just pressed his nose into Icecloud's pelt and breathed in and out, finding it so difficult not to return to innocent kithood.

"I love you, you know," said Icecloud. Littlefalcon could hear her purr and feel it through her pelt. He loved her, too. Oh, how he loved his mother, and his father, and all his littermates, and his mate, and his kits. His entire family. His entire Clan. What he would give for them. Littlefalcon smiled into his mother's shoulder. He would give up everything for them. Everything. Even if it meant a personal failure, even if it meant that he would have to fall so, so far, he would do it. They would not suffer in his place.

"Can I talk to you?" said Littlefalcon.

"About what?" said Icecloud.

"Everything." The truths, all of them, wavered on the tip of Littlefalcon's tongue. The tears hovered in his eyes again. Before he could stop himself, before he could pull himself away and run until he regained composure, he felt himself falling into the scent of his mother. The walls around his heart, those that kept his calmness and his politeness and his cheer intact, suddenly rushed into the ground, and Littlefalcon was sobbing into Icecloud. This was loud, and painful, but it was a spillage of the emotions he had been keeping back for so, so long.

"Let's walk," said Icecloud. She led him from the camp while he stifled the noises accompanying his tears. Icecloud said something quiet to the guards, and then Littlefalcon followed her into the trees. Into the trees, and as soon as she sat down, he began crying again. The way he cried was horrible – deep and painful, each wracking sob making Icecloud flinch and Littlefalcon release some other stressor.

"You're not okay at all," said Icecloud softly, when Littlefalcon seemed to have quieted for a moment. "I don't know how to help you."

"Will you listen?" said Littlefalcon. He had asked this question before, but now it was burning. Now he knew that this was what he needed – to tell everything to another cat. He needed the story to be free. "Will you listen and not tell anyone else what I've said?"

"You can trust me," said Icecloud. Littlefalcon nodded and took a deep breath.

Then he began to talk. And the secrets and the truths, the sheer knowledge stored inside of him poured out on the forest floor between him and Icecloud. Littlefalcon stared at his mother's white paws as he spoke. He knew that his voice fell into a monotone, and that he just kept plowing through the stories and the thoughts that sometimes were not his own. He talked of Ivychase and the kits, of Birdfeather's fallen faith and Skysong's internal conflicts, of Mountainstone's abilities and of Willowleaf's potential. He talked about the nightmares and the daydreams, the fears and the hopes, the harsh realities and all the ways he had managed to avoid them. He talked about every truth he had known since he was a kit, and every truth he had forgotten but had returned to him. He talked about all the questions he still didn't have the answers to, and at some point, he chanted the prophecy – all of it – in a low voice that made Icecloud take a step back. All of it in a monotone. All of it repeated, straight from his thoughts and onto the forest floor. The words could have built a mountain there were so many, so many massive and ugly truths.

Icecloud didn't speak until he was finished – there was no real finishing, but at some point, Littlefalcon felt himself talking in circles. He had carved this hole in himself so deep to hide all of this, and he had build so many walls to keep everything from coming to the surface. Now that it was all out of his small heart, he felt like he could breathe again. For a few precious seconds, Littlefalcon felt like the cat everyone saw him as: the calm warrior, the warm friend, and the gentlest of the Great Five.

"This burden you have to carry…" said Icecloud. She had begun crying sometime in his story. Littlefalcon hadn't meant to do that. He wanted to apologize, but there were no more words in him. He shook his head. "Littlefalcon…"

"Thank you for listening," said Littlefalcon after several moments of watching her cry, when the words started to fill back up in his heart again. "There's nothing you can do, though."

"Isn't there…?"

"I've made my choices," said Littlefalcon. "I'm going to make a few more."

"If I can help…"

"I don't know what there is to be done."

"I'll support you, then." Icecloud sniffed, and her eyes sparkled, but she stood tall and proud and brave. "I'll support you until the end. You are my kit. If I can't protect any of you five, I can still support you and love you. I'm your mother. I'm going to always do that."

"Support is all I need," said Littlefalcon.

He would have liked someone to hide behind.

The time for hiding was done.

The time for his secrets was never done.

He could hide them behind Icecloud, though.

"You can't tell anyone what I've told you," said Littlefalcon.

"But…"

"Not even Lionstar."

"Are you sure?"

"These are my truths to hold," said Littlefalcon. "I think…" He took a deep breath. "I think I would have snapped in half had I held onto them alone any longer. But I need to keep them locked away for a little longer."

"You won't be alone, then," said Icecloud. She took a step nearer him. Littlefalcon blinked twice. "I know. What you have to do will eventually be alone. But you always have me. I'll stay with you…"

Until it's done.

Littlefalcon almost cried again. He wanted to stay with her forever and fold into her embrace, to go back in time when she cared for him and was able to be that barrier between him and the real world. That time was gone, but Icecloud still remained here as his shield. As she was every time. As she was always going to be.

In which Icecloud is the best Warriors mom. I struggle to think of a better Warriors mom with the exception of Ferncloud, who is like ULTIMATE WARRIORS MOM. Anyways, there's some more of Littlefalcon having an existential crisis that has lasted through this entire book. Really hoping he'll pick up his stride. Poor thing has been struggling throughout this book especially, but I think he's ready to come to terms and accept everything from this point on.

Sorry Ivychase and company couldn't make an appearance. She was originally slated to appear, but I wanted the Icecloud convo to happen more.

Next chapter is a Skysong chapter! Woooot! Littlefalcon kind of ignored Skysong in this chapter. I like his spiteful thoughts on Mountainstone and Birdfeather, though. Any time Littlefalcon analyzes the cats around him, it's usually fun.

If you liked this or if you have any comments, leave them in a review! Reviews make my day :) Thanks, everyone, for your continual support!

~Elsi