The shame of what I had done haunted me as I went to meet Raphael.

I had no doubt that I was going to be in deep trouble, not only with him, but with Leonardo as well. I hadn't even lasted a day before blowing the whole plan. I couldn't help but laugh darkly at myself as I thought about how horribly I had failed - obviously, I had no future what so ever in any kind of career that would require me to keep important secrets.

Raphael was waiting for me by the entrance to their home. I wasn't exactly sure what I was about to walk into - had he told Leonardo what I'd done yet? What about Donatello and Splinter?

"Hi." I managed to squeak, already completely full of nerves.

Raphael's eyes locked onto mine, cold and hard, looking more vicious than I had ever seen them. I took a hesitant step towards him, knowing it would probably be a mistake to get too close, but also not wanting to let him bully me.

"Act normal." He commanded me, then turned on his heel and pushed open the door.

I gulped and hurried after him, my knees shaking so badly I could barely stay upright. Mikey was lounging on the couch, watching TV, and twirling his nun-chucks above his head casually. He looked over his shoulder when he heard Raphael and I approaching, then jumped to his feet excitedly.

"Hey! You didn't tell me that Lily was coming over!"

Raphael didn't acknowledge his comment and just kept heading straight for his bedroom. I did my best to smile at the youngest turtle.

"I gotta help Raphael with something. I'll be right back." I managed to say quickly, glad that my voice had remained even.

Thankfully, Mikey just shrugged and flopped back down on the couch. When I reached the doorway to Raphael's room, I paused briefly. I wondered if there was any chance that he would hurt me, but knew that I had no choice now: I had to face him and tell him the truth. His back was turned to me as I shut the bedroom door tightly.

"Look, before you say anything, you need to know that I only did what I did because I -"

Raphael spun around and lunged at me so quickly I didn't have time to react. He was face to face with me now, his chest heaving, his eyes burning with fury. I was stuck between his bulk and the damp wall of his room. I knew he was trying to intimidate me, and oh God, it was working.

"What did you do?" He asked, biting off each word so forcefully that I couldn't help but flinch.

I felt like crying as I spoke. "I went into a possible Foot Clan hideout and planted a device so that Donatello could listen in on them." I admitted, dropping my eyes to the ground.

"And Leonardo asked you to do this?"

I could only nod in reply. There was a second of silence, and I thought maybe, just maybe, he would understand. But instead, he slammed his fist against the wall, only inches away from my head, and I could hear the cement give away under his strength. Fear ran through my veins, and I realized that I was more afraid than I had ever been before - not even because I was scared for my safety, but because I knew that there was no fixing this.

He'd never forgive me.

Raphael stormed off. I hesitated, a tear rolling down my cheek as I took in the sight of the broken wall next to my head. I was no longer feeling brave and I no longer had hope that he could be reasoned with. But, if he hurt Leonardo because of something that I had done, I would never be able to live with myself. I ran after him, already hearing furious shouts echo down the hallway.

Leonardo and Raphael were like two forces of nature. I stopped at the edge of the practice room and watched in horror as they went head to head, punching, kicking each other across the floor, and looking like they were prepared to fight to the death. There was absolutely nothing I could do. Mikey appeared at my side and then Donatello only moments later.

"Oh, shit." Mikey breathed.

"Get Splinter." Donatello ordered his younger brother.

Once Mikey had run off, Donatello then turned to me, and looked very confused as to what I was doing here in the middle of all this drama.

"This is my fault." I said, more to myself than to him, and then practically jumped out of my skin as a sickening sound echoed through the air.

Raphael had pinned Leonardo against the wall, one forearm pressed against his brother's throat and his other hand holding a sai pointed at his chest. Leonardo had stopped fighting, perhaps realizing that if he made the wrong move, Raphael might actually hurt him.

"Raph!" Donatello called over to his brother desperately. "What is going on?!"

Raphael didn't respond, his just kept holding Leonardo, panting and his shoulders heaving. Leonardo's eyes were locked onto Raphael's, seeming to both challenge him and try to calm him at the same time. I saw no fear in his expression, only determination.

"Raphael, stop. This is my fault. I was the one who told Leonardo to lie to you." I said.

Understanding flashed across both Donatello's and Leonardo's face at the same time, both of them realizing what had set Raphael off...

Me.

"Raphael!"

Splinter's voice cut through the tension like one of Leonardo's swords. As if being released from a spell, Raphael dropped the hold he'd had on his brother and stepped backwards a few feet. Leonardo rubbed his throat and moved away from his brother quickly, obviously not wanting to risk Raphael going after him again.

"I'm so sorry." I murmured to Leonardo, feeling embarrassed and weak.

"It's not your fault." Leonardo said firmly, putting a hand reassuringly on my shoulder.

"We have some matters to discuss, my son." Splinter said calmly. His voice was soothing, and his expression kind, but I could see that his eyes watching each of the brothers carefully. I'm sure he knew better than to let his guard down completely.

Splinter turned and began to leave the practice room, Donatello, Leonardo, and Mikey, who looked very confused by the recent events, following in silence. I began to go with them, my heart starting to break at the thought of leaving things so messed up between Raphael and I.

"Lily."

I froze, wondering if I had actually just heard my name, or if I had imagined it. I slowly turned back to Raphael. He was still facing the wall, but his breathing had stabilized and his fists were no longer clenched.

"You owe me some answers."

I glanced at Splinter, unsure if he would let me remain alone with Raphael given the circumstances. Much to my surprise, he nodded his approval for me to stay. I waited for the others to make their way down the hall, wanting to ensure that Raphael and I had our privacy. I ran my fingers through my hair, pushing it out of my face, and gathered my strength to start walking towards him.

Raphael continued to keep his back to me, even though I was sure that he was aware of me being right behind him.

"I know I shouldn't have kept this from you. Trust me, I hated lying to you. But I knew that you wouldn't let me do it." I began, sighing heavily and fiddling with my hair some more. "I just wanted to help your family."

"Why?" He questioned, his tone flat.

"Because right now, I'm the only one who can help you." I replied. "And I care."

"You're gonna get yourself killed."

"I was already almost killed recently, remember? And if it wasn't for you, I'd probably be dead right now. Maybe I just wanted to return the favor, and protect you." I said quietly.

"You didn't protect me, you lied to me." Raphael answered, coldness entering his voice once more.

"Yeah. I know. I was wrong in how I went about it, but I had good intentions." I said honestly. "Can't you at least try and understand that?"

"I do."

We stood in silence for a few minutes. I wanted nothing more then for him to turn around, look at me, and tell me that things were going to be okay between us. Ever since I had met Raphael, my life had started to revolve around when I was going back down into the sewers again, which was actually a bit comical. I mean, what kind of normal person wanted to spend all of their time underground?

Maybe that was the point though. I wasn't normal. I'd never felt like I was normal, like I fit in among other people. It was the reason I had left home. All I'd wanted was to vanish, to be able to leave everything behind and just be a ghost.

That had all been ruined the day I'd met Raphael though. Never before had I wanted someone to see me, to notice me, so badly.

Without really thinking about it, I reached out and touched his shell. It was cool under my finger tips, and smooth. I could feel the way it made my heart dance around in my chest and my skin tingle. It was a conflicting moment, as I stood there and ran my hand along the hard surface. How could something so foreign make me feel so safe and comforted?

Raphael finally turned to face me, and I let my hand drop away as he did so.

"You should leave." He said to me firmly.

"I don't want to."

"You should." He answered, and then he started to walk past me towards the door.

"It would be a lot easier on both of us if you'd stop trying to push me away." I said sharply.

"I'm not going to do this, Lily." Raphael said, his voice now sounding very strained.

"Do what? Actually talk to me for once?"

"There is nothing to talk about." He stated.

"Well, I have things I need to say to you." I replied stubbornly, not sure where I was about to take this conversation, but allowing myself to just speak freely. I was tired of having to hold so many emotions inside.

"Fine. Talk." Raphael said, his eyes locking onto mine, like his words were a challenge.

I suddenly wished that his back was still turned to me. It was so much easier than having to deal with his overbearing stare. It was making me so nervous, that I just began to ramble.

"No one forced you to come back and talk to me, you know. You could have just stayed away after you saved me. Sure, I was trying to get your attention, but it wasn't like I had any power over you. You could have ignored me. And then, you came to my apartment, which again, was of your own free will. Stop trying to act like you don't care about me, because if that was really true, you would have just left me alone. You brought me into your life, whether you like it or not. And now, all I can do is think about you, because you still refuse to actually let me in. I mean, I know nothing about you, except for the few bits and pieces you've allowed yourself to share with me. Like, seriously. What's your favorite color? Is it red? Do you like to read? What's your favorite song? Why can't you just be my... friend?" I finished awkwardly.

Raphael blinked back at me stupidly as he processed through everything I had I just said. I waited patiently for him to respond.

"I can't be your friend." He finally answered.

I scoffed, annoyed that out of everything I had just thrown at him, that was all he could manage to give me. "Why the hell not?"

"Because, Lily. Because. Just let it go." He growled.

"No. Tell me." I demanded.

"Because one day, you're gonna meet someone who can do things for you that I can't. And then, you'll leave. You'll forget all about the mutant freaks in the sewer, but I won't forget, Lily. I won't forget you." Raphael explained. There was pain in his voice, something that I would have never expected to hear from him, ever.

"I'm not going to forget about you." I replied softly.

"Yes, you will." He said firmly.

"Stop!" I yelled angrily. "God, stop trying to tell me how I feel, or how I will feel someday. You can't keep trying to control me like that."

Raphael shook his head. "I'm not tryin' to control you, I'm tryin' to talk some sense into you. I mean, what do you think is gonna happen between us, Lily? I'm not human."

"Can you kiss me?" I asked, folding my arms across my chest.

"What?" He replied quickly, thrown off by my question.

"Can. You. Kiss. Me?" I repeated.

Raphael sighed in annoyance. "Yes."

"Could you love me? Are you capable of feeling those kind of emotions?" I continued.

"Yes."

"Then guess what, you're a lot more human than you think you are! Hell, I mean, you're being a typical, stand-offish, asshole guy right now!" I snapped at him, raising an eyebrow haughtily. "You got that part down pretty good!"

"God damn it, Lily. Stop being so stubborn." Raphael shot back. "I can't take you on dates. I can't buy you things. I can't meet your family."

"I don't want those things. I've had them. They're not that great."

"You will."

"Oh my God!" I cried, completely fed up. "Fine. You win."

I shoved past Raphael, completely and totally done with trying to reason with him. If he was so hell-bent on shutting me out of his life, then maybe I just needed to let him. Maybe there wasn't a happy ending for us. Maybe I really was insane for trying to make things work.

After all, like I had said to Raphael earlier, I really didn't even know him all that well anyways.