Zurg took a sip of his tea, and put the dainty cup back on its coaster. Then he picked up the pattern, looking at it with narrowed eyes. He didn't know how to cable knit!
"Is there something wrong, Zeke?" said Ethel. She was the sweet little old lady who led the knitting club. She was also one of those absurdly old people, having outlived three husbands and four of her nineteen children, along with most of the original members of the knitting club. Ethel wouldn't say how old she was, but Zurg (oh, excuse me, "Zeke") had a ballpark estimate of at least one hundred and ten years.
"I don't know how to make cables."
"Oh dear! I do have a few spare cable needles, you can have one and I'll show you how to do it, okay young man?"
"Yes, that sounds lovely Ethel. By the way, are you enjoying your tea-of-the-month subscription?"
"Oh, Zeke, you know your way to this old lady's heart! The teas are lovely, thank you."
"You're quite welcome. Which one is your favorite?"
"So far, the cinnamon vanilla chai and the spiced orange pekoe."
Warp, or "William" as he was called at these club meetings, stared blankly into space as his boss rambled on with a bunch of old women about tea and yarn, dolls and smelly candles... and every other old lady topic there was. Ethel showed Zurg how to make cables, and true to her word let her keep the extra needle. Great. More knitting supplies. Warp already knew more about gauge, tension, circular vs double pointed vs plain knitting needles, thimbles, and other associated topics than he ever wanted to, and he didn't even participate (sometimes he made the tea and brought the cookies. They were his only solace in these dark times.)
"If we could get back on topic, Ethel, I do believe we were in the process of making hats for premature babies." That was Claudia. She was one of those old ladies who was best described as 'preserved by salt and vinegar'. She'd grown up in the Outback Quadrant, and was always suspicious of everyone she hadn't known longer than a decade or so- especially young men, a category that to her meant 'anyone under sixty-five'. Warp was pretty sure she knew who Zeke and William really were, but had the sense to keep it to herself. Actually, sometimes she impressed him by letting loose her acid tongue at Zeke.
"Oh, you're absolutely right! Where were we, round thirteen?"
"Yes, before you had to give Zeke a remedial lesson."
"Claudia, be nice, I'm sure once upon a time you weren't skilled enough for fairs and contests."
Claudia's lip curled ever-so-slightly. "Back then I didn't have time for fairs and contests."
"Back to round thirteen! So we knit three, purl three, no increases this row, and repeat for the next three rows and finish with the lace bind off. Does everyone know how to do that?"
Murmurs of assent all around, and the club went back to their needlework. Warp was so bored, he was going crazy. He was getting a call, and excused himself. Warp stepped into the kitchen and answered. It was NOS-4-A2. My day just gets better and better. "Hey, Nosy, what's up? And how did you get my number?"
"Oh, nothing much, Darkmatter, I just have a little revenge scheme and wanted to know if Zurg wanted in on it. He's not answering my calls."
Zurg probably put my number in his contacts. "Right, well, he's busy right now so I'll have him call you back."
The energy vampire's eyes narrowed. "Busy with what?"
"Knitting some hats."
"Knitting?!" the energy vampire yelled indignantly. "Who knits in this day and age? He's ignoring me to- to act like an old fuddy-duddy? Do you know how hard it was to get this call? The nerve of some people! I ought to-"
Warp didn't find out what the irate robot ought to do because he hung up. He smirked and went back to the meeting, feeling much better knowing his day wasn't the only one ruined by Zurg's hobby.