Chapter 11

(A/N) First of all I would like to thank Alan Rickman for being Alan Rickman.

Hope you'll enjoy this weeks chapter!

I woke up two days ago with a bandaged arm and a couple of bruised ribs as well as a bruised abdomen. At least the Air Bag and seat belt saved my life.

It all happened so slowly, but still so fast. One second we were arguing and the next thing I knew, I didn't. I was unconscious. It all went black. All I can remember was the glass and the pain. I was told we were in a car crash, but it sounded too insane to be true. Something like that couldn't happen to me. At least that's what I always used to say. It was, however seldom true. Weird things always seemed to happen to me, trouble always seemed to find me.

A car crash did.

Me and Ginny was brought in directly to seperate rooms. Both of us were bleeding.

Ginny more than me.

The doctors had told me I was mostly fine, I would heal in a couple of weeks. I just had to give it time. They warned me that I may have to go to a physical therapist for help with my arm. I told them "no" but they said that my shoulder had been dislocated and needed help and training to work properly again. I asked them how long.

They didn't know.

What was my clients going to say? And my students? What was I going to do now? I loved that job. The doctors told me to give it time, maybe I wouldn't need that much help with the shoulder, maybe it would heal beautifully or it would never be perfectly healed again. It all remained to be seen.

Ginny had gotten a lot of force into her side. A doctor told me something about bruised ribs and hip and a broken arm. They didn't know the state of the baby yet but it was "looking brightly for the little human" as Ginny's doctor had put it. It still didn't save me from my anxiousness. I can't believe ever feeling so week and defenseless in my entire life when another thought hit me like a football to the head.

We survived what had killed my parents.

I was sitting outside of Ginny's room, she still hasen't woken up yet. Ron and Hermione came by for a while to see how we were doing. My arm was stinging so badly I swore it was going to drive me mad but I never told them that. I just told them that I was fine becuase honestly I couldn't deal with Hermione's pestering questions and facts and... I had so much going on in my head so I asked them how they were doing instead. Hermione told me about a new law for animal care that they were working on at the moment.

I have no idea how Ron was doing. It may be my wife inside that room, unconcsious, but it was his little sister. I can't believe this being easy on him, either. Sometimes I forgot I married my best mate's sister, and sometimes I don't.

He was still planning on proposing at New Year's Eve and I told him to do it no matter if I make it or not. So of course he'll do it if I'm there and only if I'm there. The thought made me smile and I decided that no, I wouldn't miss it for the world. It would be a historical day.

Ron beamed at me, patting me on the arm before he realised that I hissed in pain due to the fact that it was the bloody wrong arm, there's bandage around it for a reason, Ronald. Hermione had noticed that I was cursing and hissing. Thank God for Hermione.

Sirius and Remus had come, too. They had asked me how I was holding up and after I had told them that I was fine they spoke about Teddy and Natalia. They sat with me when Ginny's doctor came with an update.

"I have news", the doctor had said. Sirius, Remus and I sat in silence, waiting for the doctor to continue but she didn't.

"And...?" I asked. The doctor looked at me intently and then moved her gaze to the two men on either side of me.

"She's awake", the doctor wasn't even finished saying the words before I was bursting through the door to my wife, dislocated shoulder be damned.

"How are you?" I blurted out in shock as I saw her lay on the hospital bed. I don't know what I had expected to see, and to be honest it wasn't that much of a shock. I just suppose I wasn't entirely prepared, is all.

"I'm fine", she muttered with a slight smile on her face, eyes sparkling just a tad when her gaze landed on me. Ginny had a mitella around her neck, holding her broken arm up. It looked quite cosy as she laid there, covered up to her chest in a quilt. Her face was covered in small cuts from the glass, the same with mine. I guess we have that couple-look now.

"How's our baby?" she asked me, suddenly wearing a worried look as she looked from me to the door as if the doctor would walk in any second now. The doctor probably thought to give me some alone time.

I stepped to her side and grabbed her right hand, held it up to my lips and kissed it.

"They're going to be fine", I reassured her and she smiled at me. I squeezed her hand.

The door was opened behind us and I turned around to see the doctor enter with a serious look, a pad in her hand.

"How are you feeling?" she asked and went to Ginny's left side to place her hand on her forehead.

"I've been better", she chuckled and turned her eyes away from me and to the doctor.

The doctor removed her hand from my wife and held up her pad. I squeezed Ginny's hand reassuringly, she turned her head to smile at me. I leant down to kiss her forehead.

I was so bloody relieved.

"I have some news for you", the doctor spoke up. Both Ginny and I turned our heads to watch the doctor. It was god news, I could feel it! I squeezed my wife's hand again and smiled brightly at the doctor.

"We've done everything we could."

The world froze. Was she saying what I thought she was saying? And the next thing I did was shouting. I stared shouting at the doctor, but it wasn't like it was me, it was like someone else had taken over my body and acted in my place. An imposter. Because I was still waiting. What exactly I was waiting for I wasn't sure of but I was waiting still.

Maybe I was waiting for the doctor to smile and tell us that just because they've done everything they could the baby is well and healthy. Maybe I was waiting for a device that could turn back time or for someone to walk in thorugh the door and tell me this was just a joke. That this was all just a joke.

But I was shouting at the woman who had done everything she could've done while my wife was sobbing to herself, muttering nonsense under her breath.

I've never felt so lonely in my entire life.

Sirius and Remus had insisted on driving me home. They had heard the news from the doctor before she came to tell us. It felt rather strange sitting in a car after what had happend but I didn't feel scarred or as if I held any sort of grudge to the vehicle, whatsoever.

It was the longest twenty minutes drive in my entire life. We sat in silence, nothing but the sound of the radio and the air conditioner. The sun was shining outside making the snow covered ground sparkle.

It had snown.

Kids were laughing and playing outside. Two boys were wrestling in the snow. The scene almost made me smile but it couldn't fill the void.

The world moved on without me, the people were smiling as if it was the loveliest day so far, as if they were happy. Have you ever had a day or a moment when you just wished the whole world would just stop so that you could get a chance to breathe? And if it couldn't, you wished that the poeple outside of you were miserable, too. That you weren't alone.

I guess we're always alone and in those moments we just hate how the world suddenly reminds us of that. As if we were living a lie every other day and suddenly stepped out to face the truth.

Life.

When we were in front of my house I told the two men to go home, because at the end of the day I wanted to be alone. At least that's what I told them.

The first question I asked myself as I stepped inside the house was "what will go first?" It was the remote control to the telly that first was introduced to the wall. It was, however, not the last.

I started throwing things around me, shouting. I wanted to continue until I felt the part inside me fill itself so that I could be enough again. So that I wasn't broken. I hated being broken.

After a long time I had fallen to the floor, back against a wall, head in hands. I think I was crying but I'm not sure how or when it started. Or if it had started, at all.

I fell asleep on the floor that night, I was exhausted. I was a wreck.

A day later I found myself in Sirius' and Remus' car again, but this time to get Ginny who was more than ready to go home. According to the doctor, at least.

We sat in the car, me and Ginny in the backseat. It had taken half an hour for Sirius, Remus and me to convince her to get into the car.

Silence has never been so loud, or mocking before. It was on the verge of being painful.

"How are you feeling, Ginny?" I asked to break the silence.

"I'm fine", she said, just like when I went to see her yesterday, just as she had woken up. Today Ginny didn't even look at me, she just stared out of the window. She hasn't met my eyes since yesterdays, as if this is all my fault. Why do I have to be the rock? Why do I have to be the strong one in this? Why can't she just see that she's not the only one who's hurt?

I waved the men goodbye as Ginny walked inside the house, not even waiting for me. She just marched inside and went straight towards our bedroom where she locked herself in.

And so I was alone –again– in the hallway, hearing the door to our bedroom being slammed shut. I felt something sting inside me at the sound of the door.

It felt emptier now than it had done yesterday, probably because we're both in the house, seperately and not together. Yesterday I didn't have a wife locked into our shared bedroom. Oddly that fact didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I'm not as upset about having Ginny being alone as I thought I would.

I think I should, shouldn't I? I mean we are in this together, in the same boat, etcetera, etcetera. So why don't I mind her being locked inside our bedroom and... sobbing, from the sound of it.

Am I a bad husband? Or maybe, just maybe Ginny is a bad wife! Or maybe we're just both bad poeple. At least for each other.

It's probably just my depressing days that makes me think like that. Yes, probably.

I went to our bedroom and breathed deeply as I stood right in front of it. And then I knocked.

No answer.

I knocked again.

Still no answer.

"Come on, Ginny! I know you're in there", I said loud enough for her to definitely hear me.

I heard a deep and frustrated sigh from inside the room.

"Just say somehting!"

"What do you want me to say!?" Bloody hell! She sounded like she has been crying and as if she was pissed off, had I done something wrong? Was it wrong to check on one's wife? Excuse you, Mrs. Potter, but I didn't sign up for a hormonal git. Shit, Harry, stop bloody talking to yourself.

"Anything", I sighed, resting my forehead against the wooden door. "Anything", I repeated, closed my eyes and sighed.

"Well, I don't have anything to say", she said and I could picture her sitting on the floor and crossing her arms over her chest.

"You do know that you're not alone in this, right?" I said, trying to sound reassuring. I heard another sigh from inside and then it sounded like she was standing up. It was working! "You know that I am-"

The door flew open and I took a step forwards to righten myself.

"I lost my kid, Harry! I just lost my child! You have no idea how that feels!"

"Our child, Ginny. It was my child, too", I said and pressed both my hands to my chest, looking at her intently. Her eyes were read and gleamed of already shed tears, and more to come.

"You don't get it do you?" she threw up her arms and laughed a mirthless laugh. It was strained and awful to listen to, espescially when you know just what that laugh sounds like when it actually means it. "I lost my job and I lost my baby, Harry! My baby! And the worst part is that I don't even know if I lost little Elsa or my James".

Ginny stared at me again, as if blaming everything on me. I already knew she did.

"You", she said and pointed at me, closing the distance between us. "You were the one that bloody convinced me into not knowing the gender!"

I told you she blamed me. She isn't the only one.

"You poor, poor excuse of a man!" she had started shouting now, throwing her arms around until she decided to start hitting me. I let her.

"I lost my child! My sweet little, innocent baby", she shouted, her hands kept punching my chest and stumach as hard as she could muster. "And thanks to you I'll never know, will I? Who did I lose, Harry, huh? Who did I lose?!"

Me. You lost me.

I waited for her punches to die down and for her to calm herself. When Ginny had stopped she stared down at her feet before wrapping her arms around herself.

"I'll just prepare dinner", I said and turned to walk back to the kitchen. "Oh, and I'll sleep on the sofa tonight", I added.

"Harry", Ginny called from behind me, it was soft and quiet but it wasn't regretful, it wasn't the beginning of an apology.

I turned around but didn't meet her eyes.

"Why don't you hug me?" she asked and I looked at her face at that.

"Because..." I started but coughed. "Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe, just maybe you're not the only one who wants to have the person that they love wrapping their arms around you and trying to make you feel better? Of course that hasn't crossed your mind, Ginny, because all I am to you is something you can drag around. Something to look at. But here's the thing. I am not the Prince Charming, I'm not a bloody hero. I'm just Harry and I deserve someone who'd see me as who I am and not who they wish I could be or who I've been pretending to be", I said. Ginny stared at me as if she's been punched, big eyes, mouth hanging open.

I turned around to continue my walk to the kitchen.

"I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight", I repeated.

We lived parallell lives for the next couple of days, staying out of each others way and barely exchanging a single word. She spent most of the time locked inside our bedroom doing God knows what. Probably resting as the doctor had advised.

When New Year's Eve came around Ron went down on his knees to propose. I had stood by him during the whole thing –which includes half an hoor of "I can't do this, I can't do this, I'm not good enough for her". And I had told hit that no, you are not good enough for Hermione, you are better– and no one could have been happier when Hermione launched herself at Ron, forgetting to say "yes" and instead muttering "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, Ronald, do you even have to ask?!". Well, the only two that could've been happier was probably the soon to be married couple.

Ginny had spent the entire night close to Molly and Arhur who tried to soothe her and tell her everything's going to be okay. When Ron popped the question Ginny was held closely to Molly's chest and Arthur set to be the tissue giver for the two ladies.

For just a moment I had let myself forget everything and just shower in the happiness of my two best friends and enjoy the beauty of the nightsky when it was filled with fireworks. It had been a long time since I felt that happy. I couldn't help feeling like something was missing, absent.

As the night turned darker and the time turned later, Ginny and I found ourselves in a cab taking us home.

That was basically why I was quite shocked as I heard Ginny knock on the door to the small room we were planning to use as the nursery.

"Harry?" she said carefully but didn't wait for my response before opening the door. I sat on the floor in the middle of the room with my back at the door.

"Harry", she repeated and sighed. "There was an invitation to a party in this club 'Sticky Fingers'. I think it would do us some good, don't you? We've been so depressed lately and I think we could both use a night out, we don't have to get completely smashed", she said and chuckled a bit as if trying ease the tension with a joke. When she noticed that I didn't say anything or even make a sound she continued. "I just think it could be good for us, to get out there, you know, we'll be careful of course but my arm feels fine, and your shoulder's getting better, right?" Someone was very bloody optimistic today. It's been more than a week, my shoulder doesn't hurt twice as bad anymore but if I do certain things pain shoot through my entire arm.

Ginny sighed in frustration. "I think we should go, it's on Saturday so you have until tomorrow to make up your mind and just so you know", she said and paused, I could feel her temper rising as if she was unhappy with me. "I'm going, with or without you".

And then I heard the door closed shut behind me and I was alone again. Rolling my shoulder back and fro for a couple of times just to try it. It still felt a bit sore.

Perhaps Ginny was right, maybe we needed to go out and have some fun. It couldn't hurt, right?

And so Saturday came around. We took a cab into the downtown and it dropped us off right outside of "Sticky Fingers".

Ginny looked a lot better tonight, as if the last week hadn't happend. She wore a purple dress that really brought out her curves, making her look desireble for the men. Well, most men. For just a second I contemplated whether or not I should comment her about her appearance, I decided no to.

We stepped inside and was immediately greeted by music. Ginny smiled nervously as she looked around the club. The first thing we did was leave our jackets to the wardrobe.

"Welcome, I'm happy you could make it", a complete stranger said. She had long dark hair and wore a very tight black dress and red lipstick. To be honest, she almost looked like she could play som evil queen or something.

"Oh I'm sorry, forgot to introduce myself", she said and put a hand on her chest. "I'm Pansy. Just wait a second, you have to meet my friend", she added and turned around to wave someone over from the bar. A dark silhouette started walking towards us and I could swear I recognised that walk and posture.

Oh dear God.

"Hello", he said and looked at me and Ginny politely. "I'm Draco Malfoy". Indeed you are!

He wore a dark V-neck, exposing the ends of two delicate collarbones and black denims that hugged his thighs deliciously.

"Oh, I'm sorry have you met?" Pansy broke in and waved between him and us. My eyes shot up from staring at his long, delectable legs to his eyes instead. Draco looked straight at me, a smirk gracing his pink lips, almost undetectable and a sparkle in his impossibly soft grey eyes. Oh, how I've missed those eyes.

"I can't believe we have", Draco said and looked at me intently, smirk growing on his lips, the sparkle in his eyes intensifying, making me blush a deep scarlet. He turned his gaze to Ginny and I witnessed how the sparkle in his eyes died and hardened the moment they met the brown orbs of my wife's.

"I'm Ginny", Ginny said and smiled politely.

"And I'm Harry", I said. Draco's face turned to look at me again and smiled at me, making my insides twist and jump and dance and start a campfire. This was the first time I've seen him since my little revelation in the bathroom at the Weasley cottage. The memory made me shiver.

"Harry, I like the sound of that", he said and I swallowed because so did I. My name had never sound so... right. "Nice to meet you, Harry", he added and then he turned back to the bar.

"Hope you'll enjoy yourselves", said Pansy before she left to follow Draco.

Was it just me or had the room suddenly turned uncomfortably warm and foggy.

Ginny stood next to me as if unsure what to do next.

"I'm going to the bathroom", I informed her politely. "Enjoy yourself, I'll find you later". Or perhaps not.

She nodded at me and walked towards the dance floor and I watched her go before making my way to the bathroom.

Sometimes I forget how small this town is and that of course everyone was invited. Was it just me who imagined his gaze warming as he looked at me and the teasing little smile he offered when he lied and said we'd never met. I don't know if I'm happy or upset that he said that. I mean on one hand it would have been horrible if he said that we had because then I would have to introduce him to Ginny, but on the other hand it was like erasing all of our moments and everything we've ever done. I don't want to erase those things, they are the reason I'm still sane, I'm hanging onto every touch, every word and every brush of lips we've shared as if it's the last one. Because what if they are?

I opened the door to the local Mr bathroom and stepped inside. It was empty apart from a man who was washing his hands.

The door opened behind me but I didn't turn around to see who it was as I made my way to the urinal by a wall. I opened my flyer and pulled my trousers and pants down a bit before wrapping my hand around my cock.

From the sound of it the other person who entered was doing the same thing. I imagined how I'd turn my head to the side and look into his grey eyes, gleaming with mischief as they dropped from my eyes to the cock in my hands. And I imagined myself doing the same thing and how my mouth would water at the sight of his pale, pink cock and the urge to hold it, to taste it, would consume me.

I would look up again to ask him for permission to do what I've longed for for such a long time. His blond hair was falling in front of his eyes, smiling at me through every pore of his body, telling me he's already mine. And I'm his.

"Are you done?" the voice from the man to my side asked and I shook myself out of my imagination. I noticed I had been staring at his cock the entire thing. I blushed.

"Yeah, sorry", I said, pulled up my trousers and pants and fastened the flyer.

Of course I couldn't go just a minute after seeing him without starting to think about that! God, I'm pathetic.

I went to wash my hands under the automatic basins and witnessed how the door was opened through the reflection. A blonde man with dark clothes stepped and grey eyes stepped inside and I shook my head, willing my traiturous brain to stop.

He was still there but now he was looking at me uncertainly, mouth hanging open slightly before deciding he also needed to wash his hands.

The tension was growing between us and I could swear that if I reached out my hand I could pat it.

Draco coughed. "So", he began and coughed again. "How have you been?" he asked and looked at me through the mirror.

I smiled at him, I couldn't help it. "I'm fine", I said and chuckled. "Car crash and wife aside, I'm fine". Worrid grey eyes turned to look at me instead of my reflection.

"Oh, God, are you alright?" he asked and his eyes started examining my face and my body as if searching for the answer there.

"I am now", I said, blushing for the third time in just fifteen minutes. I hadn't planned to say that out loud.

I swallowed nervously but the look in his eyes told me it was worth it. The gemstones were back, sparkling, soft and deep and I would drown in them, lose myself in them, to them if I could.

He stared at me, a smile making his already beautiful face gorgeous. My heart started beating faster and my body got warmer.

I started leaning closer to him, closing hte distance between us because it's been too long and I needed to feel his lips pressed against mine, his body wrapped in mine. I needed it and I needed it now!

Just a little bit further now, I could smell whiskey on his breath as it was tickling my face. I closed my eyes as I erased what little distance was left between us.

"Don't", he said, voice tense and throaty. I pulled myself back, turning my head away from him to finish up with my hands.

What was I even thinking? Clearly I wasn't, because of course I couldn't just come back into his life after weeks and take for granted that he's still slightly attracted to me, or wants me. Wants Harry.

A strong hand gripped my upper arm as I turned to leave. Pain shot through my shoulder and I gritted my teeth willing it to go away.

"Pansy adviced me to avoid you tonight, to let you come to me. I saw you walking in here and i couldn't help myself, it's like I'm missing something, I always need to be close to you, to see you. I want so badly to kiss you", he said and swallowed. "And more. The thing is that your wife's pregnant and no matter what you did choose her and I have to sit around and pretend I'm fine with that."

"They died in the car crash", I told him.

"What? Who?" he asked confused. I closed my eyes.

"The baby", I said and I heard the rough intake of breath from behind me.

"I'm sorry", he said and dropped his arm from my bicep. I sighed in relief.

"It's fine."

"All I'm trying to say is that if everything would've been different, if you wouldn't have been married, I know you've always have been byt I'm tired of being the lover, the mistress. I don't want to be a secret. I want what we have."

I turned around at that and looke dhim sqaure in the eyes. "And what do we have, may I ask?"

"I don't know", he said exasperatedly. "Just forget it", he added before storming out through the door.

Well that went well...

Suddenly I wanted nothing but to get inside a cab and go home, which meant I had to find Ginny.

I couldn't find her on the dancefloor or by the bar so I decided to ask around.

"Excuse me, have you seen a woman with long red hair and a purple dress?" I had asked.

"Sorry but no", they had replied and I almost wanted to give up men a small, manicured hand tapped me on my healthy shoulder.

"I heard you were looking for your wife", the woman said and I nodded. "I saw a redhead over there just a moment ago", she explained and pointed over to a crowded corner.

I didn't turn around to thank the helpful woman just nodded and went to retrieve my wife.

"Excuse me", I said as I elbowed my way through the crowd, I really wanted to be home right now.

I stopped dead in my tracks as I found myself staring at a woman with fiery red hair and purple dress who was being snogged senseless by a tanned man with short black hair.

"It couldn't be Ginny", a small part of my head offered. "Looks like Ginny's enjoying herself" another part, a bigger part of my head offered.

I fled the scene and went in the cab alone that night.

It was one in the morning when I heard the door opening. I had sat on the sofa with tea in front of me since I came home a couple of hours ago, etermined to confront my wife as she came home.

"Enjoyed yourself?" I asked as she she stepped inside the living room. She stopped to stare incredelously at me.

"What?" she asked.

"Because from the looks of it, it sure seemed that way", I said and downed the content of my cup.

"You saw...", she whispered and I just nodded. "That's why you left early?" she asked.

Technically, no. But she couldn't know I ran into a past lover in the bathroom, could she?

"Yes", I lied.

"Well that was shitty of you! I could've been raped you know! I may have snogged some bloke, that doesn't mean it was consensual", she said exasperatedly.

"It looked pretty consensual to me", I responded and glared at her.

"God! I just needed someone, Harry, and you weren't there!"

"And that makes it okay?! God Ginny, it's not like you've been here for me either, would you be fine if I went and snogged someone else?" I rose from the sofa,

She didn't answer me.

"I can't do this anymore, Ginny! I am tired of us being like this!"

"We can work through it, we always have", she pleaded, stepping closer to me.

"I don't think we can anymore", I told her and silence greeted me as an old friend. For a couple of seconds I swore she had given up, that she wouldn't respond to that but that was before I saw comprehension dawn on all of her features and in her brown eyes.

"There is someone else, isn't there?" she whispered it so quietly I could've pretended not to have heard it. If it wasn't for the sudden expression of shock that was radiating from my whole being or how I suddenly sat down on the sofa again as if defeated I could've pretended. Seeing my reaction seemed to give her some sort of strength. "Isn't there! Don't think for one second Harry James Potter that I didn't suspect anything, you came home with a hickey one night and you told me you were talking with a student!"

"What do you want me to say, Ginny?!" I asked exasperated wanting this conversation to be over any second now. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"Are you sleeping with another woman?"

"No", I said and sighed in relief, thinking the whole conversation was over, but that was before I heard the next question that came out of her mouth.

"What about another man?"