Hey! So… third chapter… yeah. _ I think this'll be kinda short but… I'll try my best to post two new chapters today so… here's the third chapter! Enjoy!
Haruka's POV
'No… please… I don't want to sit down and talk about work. Sure, I'll have to talk to them sometime but… not now. I'm not mentally prepared. I might get a mental block. I might space out again. I might stutter. I might make them angry. I might… I might…!'
I thought to myself as I headed for the couch in the practice room. My heart was beating like crazy. I felt like I was about to faint.
I was thinking about lot of things during my very very short trip to the couch. I was so engrossed with what I was thinking about that I didn't even notice that I was already sitting on the couch. Nor did I notice Kotobuki-senpai call out to me. And he called out to me more than once.
"Ruka-chan? Ruka-chan… Ruka-chaaaan. Ruka-chan!" said the familiar voice that was calling me. The moment I came back to my senses, I looked up and saw Kotobuki-senpai and Kurosaki-senpai across from me.
'E-eh? Why are they across from me?' I asked myself. In my mind, of course. Then I looked to my left, then right and saw Mikaze-senpai on my left and Camus-senpai on my right. That's when I realized… I was already sitting one of the couch.
'Oh no… I spaced out again. I was afraid this would happen… and this is my first day meeting them! Their first impression of me is definitely not good.'
I thought, speaking and getting angry with myself once again. I tilted my head down for a few moments. Then tilted it up a little since… I was planning to apologize. I looked at Kotobuki-senpai and Kurosaki-senpai for half a second, and did the same with Mikaze-senpai and Camus-senpai. Then I tilted my head down again before saying:
"I-… I'm very sorry for spacing out all the time. I guess I am just… nervous."
'I hope my voice was loud enough to be heard.' I thought to myself. Hoping and praying that they heard it. I directed my eyes to Kotobuki-senpai and saw him…
'Smiling?' I questioned in my mind. 'Why is he smiling? He's not… angry?'
I looked up and raised my head a little bit more, exposing a face with question written all over it. With a bit of worry as well. A few more moments of silence past until Kotobuki-senpai spoke.
"Ruka-chan, are you expecting us to become angry with you? We understand that you're nervous… and that's normal. It's normal to think about a lot of things when you're nervous. But… don't think too much, ok? I did tell you to relax. just tell us if you're not comfortable with anything, k?" he said, trying to let me loosen up a little.
"O-oh… uh… then, thank you, Kotobuki-senpai." I said, trying to show even the slightest sign that I've loosened up a little. I tried to smile, hoping it would make Kotobuki-senpai satisfied..
"You're very welcome Ruka-chan." he replied, showing one of his close-eyed smiles again. Just when I was supposed to let down a little bit of weight from my shoulders, Kurosaki-senpai spoke.
"Reiji, why in the world do you like "babying" her so much? She's not some kid on her first day in school. If you make her get used to your "babying", she'll never learn to grow up."
Ok, now that made my whole body stiffen. I guess I would make them mad after all. So much for relaxing.
"Ran-Ran! I'm not "babying" her. I'm trying to make her feel comfortable. And what you're saying will not make her comfortable at all! So please, Ran-Ran, be nice." Kotobuki-senpai said, making Kurosaki-senpai grunt in annoyance.
"What do you call making her 'ask help whenever she needs it' huh? She can help herself Reiji. She can make her own self comfortable. Fine. I don't care if you baby her. But don't say that we are going to help her with everything she needs help with." Kurosaki-senpai argued, making Kotobuki-senpai raise his voice as well.
"Ran-Ran, why are even called 'seniors' if we're not going to help her with anything?! Don't be mean Ran-Ran. You don't even know why she doesn't have that much confidence in herself!"
'No... please no. I don't want you guys to argue...' I thought.
"You don't know whether she's even faking it or not! You know nothing about her! Tell me, do you know anything about her? No, you don't! So shut up!"
'Please... please... calm down'
"Neither do you know anything about her! You don't know whether she's been through something horrible for her to become like this! You don't know whether-"
'Please stop it... it's my fault... shout at me... not each other.'
"Didn't I tell you to shut up?! I don't care about being her senior 'cause I didn't sign up for this! I don't give a shiz about her either! What makes you think I wanted to be her senior let alone work together with her in the first place?! I never even wanted to be part of this group! If it wasn't for me being a member of this group, I wouldn't be her senior!"
'What am I saying? I couldn't even do anything. I'm useless...'
"That's enough you fools! Shut your mouths! Kotobuki, do you even understand Kurosaki's point? You're not suppose to help her with things she can handle. She's old enough to be independent. And just because the woman is our junior, doesn't mean we have to treat her equally or even close to equal treatment. This woman doesn't deserve our respect or help." Camus-senpai said, stopping the other two seniors from arguing.
'I really am... nothing.'
My body was as still as a rock, except for the trembling. I was trembling in fear, sadness, and shock. My chest felt so tight I couldn't breathe. My eyes hurt, and were swelling up because of the held back tears. I didn't want to cry. Not in front of them. I just wanted to excuse myself and go to my dorm. I wanted to be alone.
'Why is it that every time I hear something that hurts me, it's like my right ear wasn't even deaf? And when I see something so horrifying, it's like my left eye wasn't even blind? No… I don't want to bear it anymore. I have to leave. I just have to.'
I thought to myself while holding back the tears. I have made my mind up. I was going to excuse myself and just think of an excuse when I meet with them tomorrow. I was just about to say something, thinking, 'Hopefully they won't notice.' when I was cut off by Kotobuki-senpai. 'Oh no… they were still on with the argument.' I thought, panicking.
"Myu-chan! Don't say things like that about her! Especially in front of her! She'll get hurt…"
"Does it look like we care?" Kurosaki-senpai answered. Now was the time for me to leave. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I needed to be alone. I needed freedom. I needed air.
"Yes… and she needs to know this." Camus-senpai added. Right after that line, I felt eyes watching from every direction each of my seniors were in. I was tempted to look up and take advantage of the silence. But it didn't last long.
"Myu-chan please. Stop. Just stop hurting her already. Ai-Ai, say something. Tell them to stop."
After that, another moment of silence took place. All were awaiting his response… except me. A sigh was then heard in the quiet room we were in. but even though it was quiet, it just made their past words sound even louder. After sighing, Mikaze-senpai spoke.
"Alright. I will say something. But I'm not going to counter what Ranmaru and Camus said because my thoughts are the same. My data says that she really doesn't need or deserve the amount of help you're willing to give her. She has proved herself that she doesn't need help. She's old enough to be responsible for her own responsibilities. But it's up to you whether you really want to help that much. But we don't. Also, it's not like she'll think about the… somehow insulting words we've said to her if she doesn't want to recall them. And, why would she even be affected? We haven't even interacted with her for that long."
My eyes started to widen it's widest width. I couldn't explain my own emotions.
'Why? Why am I like this? Wh-'
"So don't you dare even try relying on us… Nanami." Kurosaki-senpai said to me. I knew he would get mad if I didn't reply so I nodded.
"Ran-Ra-"
"Also, speak when you need to. Especially when replying to someone else. Do you understand?" Camus-senpai said after cutting Kotobuki-senpai off.
"Myu-chan, you didn't have to say it like that. Ruka-chan, he means-"
"Hold your tongue you fool. Do you understand?" Camus-senpai said, repeating his question while cutting Kotobuki-senpai off yet again. I didn't answer at first. No, I couldn't answer at first. So I just simply nodded. But then, he got angry.
"Woman, I told you to speak when you reply to us." he said in a very scary tone. It was a half-scream, actually. I was hurt enough. I just really couldn't say anything. I really couldn't.
'He dislikes me so much that he doesn't even want to say my name…'
I thought to myself. Although, I shouldn't have because that just made more tears form. I was already crying. I couldn't prevent them from falling. I couldn't stay strong enough to not cry. I couldn't do anything but listen to their words stab through my very soul. I was planning to reply when Mikaze-senpai spoke first. And yes, his words were also directed to me.
"You should show respect to your seniors Haruka. And one way to show respect is by replying… verbally."
"Ai-Ai you didn't have to-"
"Just say a friggin' yes. Don't pretend that you're hurt with what we all said. You probably don't even care. Hmph… no wonder you were spacing out a lot."
"Wha-"
"Reiji, be quiet." Mikaze-senpai said, Kotobuki-senpai being interrupted… again.
That was it. That was my limit. I was planning to reply and excuse myself… immediately. "Before all my tears fall… I have to reply… I have to… now." And I did just that. I replied, hoping he would hear it and not notice the shakiness in my voice.
"Y-yes… I-I understand." I said, fearing the upcoming response I am bound to get. Of course, Camus-senpai was the one who responded.
"Hmph… so you can speak"
"I think you guys hurt her enough. Ruka-chan, are you ok? I'm so sorry they said all of that… I really am. And I'm sorry that… there was nothing I could do." Kotobuki-senpai said as he quietly approached me then patted my head.
"I'm sorry." he said one last time. I made this my chance to excuse my self. Although… I really do appreciate all of the things Kotobuki-senpai has done for me. So I decided to thank him.
"I-it's alright, senpai… M-may I… b-be excused now?" I asked him, looking up at him as I tried to force a close-eyed smile in the process.
"Sure. Hey, were you crying a while ago? The sides of your eyes are red." he asked, sounding concerned. I was really thankful for meeting him, for what he said and did today. That's why, as a part of my thanks, I tried to smile… for him.
"Oh, no. I-I wasn't crying. Hehe… th-this is… normal when my eyes are tired. They become red. Oh uh… I'll be… t-taking my leave now, I-if you don't mind."
"Of course I don't. and I'm sure they have nothing to say as well. See ya tomorrow then. Get a lot of rest ok? We don't want your eyes getting red again now, do we?" he replied, smiling at me softly yet again as he led me to the door with his hands on my shoulders. I was about to take a step out when I decided to say good-bye to the rest of my seniors. So I bowed in their direction and said a very soft 'good bye' before rushing out the door. I was still on the verge of crying, and felt like crying right there and then when I saw the looks on their faces.
They were emotionless.
But still, it was my fault. Them getting mad at me, at Kotobuki-senpai… it was all… my fault. I wasn't suppose to get hurt. And yet, why did I feel like crying? I never understood why… I was so weak. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and even socially. But I couldn't think of all that here. I'll just end up crying in front of them, which I don't want. So when I got out the door, I bowed to Kotobuki-senpai and started the journey to my dorm. But moments later, I heard Kotobuki-senpai call my name and I instantly felt a grip around my wrist.
"One last time Ruka-chan… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And please… next time, don't fake a smile. It'll just make you feel hurt even more, ok?" he said, bringing my hand to his forehead. I was embarrassed with the physical contact, but I couldn't really show it right now.
'I should be the one apologizing…' I thought.
"I-it really is ok… Kotobuki-senpai. And… I'll t-try… not to fake any of my smiles." I said, and he smiled in return. He slowly put my hand back down and let it go. Before turning away, he grinned at me and said a small 'bye'. I watched him turn away from me and start his journey back to the practice room.
"I'm so sorry… thank you."
I said softly, but probably was loud enough for him to hear. I was hoping he didn't though. He stopped in his tracks, and without a second thought, I ran towards the direction of my dorm… crying.
'I-I can finally let out… all of my tears.'
I thought to myself as I opened the door to my dormitory. When I got inside, I immediately collapsed onto the floor, buried my face in between my embraced knees, while letting out a shaky sigh, and warm, uncontrollable tears.
Okay!… I'm not that good with drama so… I'm sorry. Hehe… yeah… I guess it was long enough. It was, wasn't it? It wasn't that short... right?^_^? Please review! That's all for now, bye-bye! XD