Thank you

by QN's number one fan

Nanami Haruka has graduated from the Saotome Academy despite her left eye being blind and her right ear deaf. But she's not all that happy. She doesn't have anyone to be with just because of her physical state, she fears other people, and what's worse is that she has to interact with her so called seniors. But will she come to realize that not all people are the same? Haruka x QN

13. Chapter 13

Yo guys! I'm back!... After so long... =.=... I'm really sorry for making you guys wait! I've been super busy lately. ^_^"

Oh, and Happy Valentines day! XD

Hope you enjoy! X)

Also, gomen for the typos and probably confusing lines... U_U"

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Haruka's POV

After Kurosaki-senpai left the room, I remained there by the door, waiting for him to be completely out of sight before I went back in. As I stood there, I couldn't help but recall all the things that have happened between me and my seniors so far. I especially remembered the times where I was just alone with one of them, because there really were things that I could never forget. Though, they were really embarrassing. Honestly, so much has happened, and only a few days has past. It's like, I've known them for so long, but in fact, it was the opposite. But I still don't know much about them, I just feel like I do, because there were instances where those four turned into really different people, like they weren't even their selves.

Like, I never thought Mikaze-senpai, one of the most intelligent members of the group, could easily express himself about not knowing something. I actually thought he was the type to not admit his inabilities in knowing and understanding something. Not that I think of that as a bad thing. But, somehow, I felt sad, knowing that he couldn't express his feelings that well, all because of the fact that he doesn't know about feelings that much at all. It may seem like a trivial thing, something that wouldn't really make a person worry so much, but to me, it was something that he really needed help with. Feelings is a really big part of life, and if he didn't understand him as much as others do, I wouldn't know how he was going to go about with situations. Which is why, though it isn't not really any of my business, I want to help him with everything that I can.

Rei-chan... Well, I wasn't expecting him to have such a rough past, and a face the complete opposite of his usual, cheery one. I felt really bad for him, and I still do, because, he always looked so happy, but really, he just felt guilt, up until now. He's been trying so hard to make a good impression, and not to worry or let anybody down, and in the end, he doesn't get to think about himself anymore. But when he does get the chance, he just showers himself with negative words, words that continue to haunt and blame him for what he thinks he's done. To be honest, I don't really think he was responsible with his best friends death, nor was he the reason he committed suicide. And I'm not blaming his best friend either. I don't really know much about the details about what happened, so of course, I don't have the right to judge. But, if I were that person who committed suicide, I wouldn't blame Rei-chan for my own death, and I wouldn't want him to blame himself and I've his life in guilt either.

Camus-senpai was always like a king to me, more than a count, because he was very mighty, and was perfect in a lot of ways. He looks like the type of person who would make a good leader, despite his short temper. Though, when he showed me how concerned he could get, that was something I wasn't expecting. He has never really told me anything about him, but just seeing him smile was more than enough. But for some reason, I knew that there was more to those piercing, ice cold eyes, like, there was something that made him feel uneasy, and restless. And, because of that thought, I'm able to understand now, the reason why he never really revealed a true and sincere smile in front of others, despite not knowing the story behind as to why he never really showed any signs of happiness. And even if he were to, it would happen on an extremely rare occasion.

And, just a few minutes ago, Kurosaki-senpai did something that was quite similar to what Camus-senpai did. But, he was still different, somehow. Though, I'd have to admit, Kurosaki-senpai was a bit scarier than Camus-senpai was, he was more... Childlike, in a way. I don't really know how to express it but, he seemed to be the type who would do a few things Rei-chan does. Only, in a more lowered level, because, that time he sat on the floor, and stayed there just to make me speak, I found it quite... Cute. He never really seemed like one who would do such a thing, but I was still very glad that he did, because then, I was able to find out a little bit about him. Though, he was also like Camus-senpai, who didn't really smile much. Unlike Mikaze-senpai, who really didn't show any signs of emotion, and Rei-chan, who was very much good at smiling almost all the time, but was also good at hiding everything else he was feeling, he mostly felt comfortable with showing only some of the heavier emotions, like anger or irritation.

Now that I think about it, those changes in personality do overwhelm me a lot, though it also made me happy, because I was able to open up to them a bit. And, also, as much as possible, I would like to make each and every one of them happy, and show them that me becoming their composer wasn't much of a bad thing. Though, I really am not doing this for me, I'm doing this for them. If they're happy, then I'm happy, because someday, I'd like to be more than just their composer. I'd like to be their friend, and them to be mine. So, this time for sure, I will do my very best to reach their standards, and to make them, and also of course, my grandmother, happy and proud, for she was the reason why I'm here now.

Still pondering on the past and thinking about what I'll be doing in the nearby future, I ended up becoming very deep in thought, not aware of what was going on in my surroundings. Though at first, I didn't really mind, seeing as I was only inside my room anyway. Until that is, when a small noise broke into my thinking space. And that soon made me wonder, where exactly that was coming from. I knew that I was the only one in my dorm, so it was unlikely for there to be much noises. Becoming uneasy, I wondered even more, and asked myself if they were coming from outside. That's when I noticed that I never knew whether I really did go inside my dorm at all, because the last thing I remember was staring at Kurosaki-senpai's back as he walked farther and farther from me. I was just about to look around when I felt weight pressing my cheeks together. I flinched in surprise, shutting my eyes as the pressure on my face became stronger.

At that time, I could fully hear, and understand whatever was going on through sounds, and when the noise I heard earlier became clearer, I realized that it was Rei-chan calling out to me. I tried saying his name, my hands trying to get ahold of what seemed to be his on my cheeks. He chuckled, pinching the sides of my faces before letting go of them. And, as usual, he patted my head, ruffled my hair, then let his hand remain there for a while before speaking.

"Hehe... Silly Ruka-chan. What were you doing standing outside of your dorm like that? Were you looking at something?"

I looked at him for a while, before looking to my left to see both Mikaze-senpai and Camus-senpai here as well. And indeed, I was still outside my dorm. Embarrassed, I closed my eyes, getting even more embarrassed as I replied.

"I... Must've been thinking too much, and forgot to walk back inside my dorm. I'm sorry."

"Well, what were you doing outside in the first place?" Camus-senpai asked, probably thinking of me as a fool while he did. I ended up letting out an awkward laugh, noticing that it's become quite a habit for me, before answering, and preparing myself for the later questions to come.

"Er... I was just waiting for Kurosaki-senpai to be completely out of my sight as he left. He stopped by here less than an hour ago, I think, in order to check up on me."

I looked from the floor, to them, then repeated the process several times. And as I did, I noticed that they weren't really saying anything. They were simply looking at me with... Surprise. I guess they didn't really expect Kurosaki-senpai to stop by either. But then, after sometime, Rei-chan broke the silence and said that he was surprised with Kurosaki-senpai's kind gesture. Camus-senpai made a few comments too and asked if he forgot to ask you anything. And by that, he meant whether or not he checked up on me properly. Mikaze-senpai also said that it was unlikely of him, but wasn't that surprised either way because he knew Kurosaki-senpai knew that if he were to forget to check on me in Camus-senpai's place, he would scold him, which Kurosaki-senpai obviously didn't like. I couldn't help but giggle a bit on that one, seeing as I could already imagine how that would turn out if ever it did happen.

We talked for a bit more, along with them making a few more check ups on me, before planning to head back to their dorms. I offered them to stay for a bit more, but they refused, saying that I didn't need to do so much and that I needed rest. I smiled at how kind they were, and just nodded before bidding them good bye. I planned to wait for them to be far enough for me to see them, but was noticed by Camus-senpai, followed by Rei-chan and Mikaze-senpai. So, after a few attempts of convincing them that I was okay, I gave up, and said good bye to them one last time, before finally entering my room after a long time.

Not even arriving at my bed room yet, I instantly heard a knock at my door. I supposed that it was Rei-chan, who probably dragged Mikaze-senpai and Camus-senpai with him to check on me for the very last time today. I chuckled at the scene I imagined in my mind. Rei-chan grinning with Mikaze-senpai and Camus-senpai looking irritated. They really can be adorable sometimes... Or maybe more than sometimes.

As I opened the door, I expected Rei-chan to be the first in sight, but, to my surprise, ended up seeing Mikaze-senpai instead. Looking up at him, I wondered on why he suddenly came back, but thought that he probably wanted to ask me something again.

"Mikaze-senpai... Is there something you need?" I asked, tilting my head a little as I did. He simply nodded, and asked if he could come in for a while. I was a bit taken aback at first, seeing as he wouldn't usually ask me that, but allowed him to do so anyway, since I was just about to invite him myself.

I scooted a little to the side, and made room for him to enter before I did. Continuing the trail of thought I had earlier about Mikaze-senpai and what he wanted to talk about, I subconsciously stopped paying attention to where I was going. And before I knew it, I bumped into something... Or someone.

Ai's POV

I tried catching Haruka's attention, but it seems like she was thinking of something, or... Spacing out. So instead, I caught her in my arms before she could bump into the door. I figured this would catch her attention, so I waited for her to return to her senses. And when she held onto my sweater and looked up, I returned the look, but with question. I couldn't understand why she was so embarrassed, but decided to ignore that for now, focused on checking to see if she was feeling okay instead.

Her eyes were shut tight, as my arms remained around her waist. And for some reason, I let out a sigh, as I felt the need to make her relax more. I tried telling her to open her eyes, but she wouldn't budge. I repeated it a few more times, and still, she wouldn't open them. So, deciding that it was probably my last resort, I positioned my hands on her shoulders and slowly inched closer to her face. I guessed that she had noticed my unexpected movement, seeing as her eyes suddenly shot open. I also noticed that she had the same expression as she did the last time I went this close to her. But that was of course, involuntary. The only reason that happened was because of her clumsiness. Though, right now, her face seems... Redder, than it was before. And it got even darker as the distance between us decreased. When I was close enough for both of our foreheads to touch, she let out a small shriek as her eyes shut... Again. Getting a little tired of seeing her eyes close all the time, I assured her of the fact that I wasn't going to do anything... Inappropriate.

"Haruka..." I started, pausing for a bit to see if she was going to make some sort of reaction. And when she didn't, I continued. "If you think I did this for some weird reason, I didn't. I did this to check if you had a fever, since... They usually do it like this, don't they?"

I waited for a reply, though I knew I wasn't going to get one immediately, so I remained as I was. When she lifted her eyelids, I found myself staring into those big, bright, orange-colored orbs of hers. They were quite... Captivating. And, I don't really know why I felt that way. Honestly, I don't even understand why I'm actually feeling something. Feeling were always difficult for me to understand, which was why I'm here to ask her for assistance. Though, she wasn't the smartest of people, she wasn't an idiot either. So naturally, knowing that, my data would say that she's able to explain what 'feelings' are exactly.

After some time, she called out to me, and told me that she was fine and was sure that she didn't have a fever or any other sickness. I looked at her in disbelief, but persisted no further, seeing as she was right about not having a fever. Though, about her being fine, I wasn't so sure.

"Hm... Okay then." I answered, my forehead still touching hers. Her redness had died down a bit, but it was still there. And, she was still embarrassed, judging from her actions and all. Minutes past, and I still couldn't stop staring at her. Well, more like I couldn't stop examining her. Usually, girls would like it if I approached them, even if it we weren't this near to each other. But, her reaction is the exact opposite. She becomes all nervous, and looks like she has the urge to push me away. Well, she did try to, but it had no effect. Because of this, I became curious of why she made these expressions, and was about to ask her when she spoke up first.

"M-Mikaze-senpai... How long are we going to stay like this? I... Did say I was fine now."

I blinked, before stopping for a while to think. And when I came up with a reply, I attempted to move closer when I felt a part of my lip brush on hers. Immediately, I backed off a little.

"Ah. Sorry..." I mumbled, averting my eyes as I felt a slight tingle in my chest. I wondered for a second, and thought of why I suddenly had that sting. Though, it didn't really affect me so I decided to just ignore it. What happened just now wasn't much of a big deal for me, but it seemed to be a very big one for her. The moment she felt the contact of both our lips, her shoulders rose as she held back a scream, her face becoming beet red again. And before I knew it, I was pushed away. She looked at me for a second as she touched her lips with both hands, before turning her back on me in embarrassment. I at first wondered on where she was going, then realized that she was headed for the exit. Without thinking twice, I reached for her wrist and caught it. Well, as expected, she tried to fight back and make me let go. But I wasn't budging just yet. So, to make her stop, I pulled her towards me and caught her, making her back land first against my chest.

I tried thinking of a way to calm her down, and came up with a very... Unreasonable idea...

I decided to say sorry.

It wasn't going to be much, just a simple one-worded apology. And, I didn't really see the purpose of apologizing to her, but was going to do so anyway. Thankfully, her resistance soon got weaker, so I was able to rest my chin on her head as I apologized. At that time, her face was in her hands, before she slowly put them down to reply. She was silent at first before a small 'hm' came out of her mouth. I then took that as a sign that she was okay. So I went on with telling her about what I've been pondering on, not minding the situation we were in. I transferred from her head to her shoulder, and decided to rest my chin there for the time being, to make sure that she'll hear every word correctly. She stiffened a bit at my action, but relaxed a few moments later.

"I'll let you go, once you answer my question." I said, earning me a surprised look from Haruka. Well, not only was she surprised, now that she made our faces an inch apart again by directing her face to me. Though, I didn't really mind because I was at least able to catch her attention. She said no words nor made any sounds as she looked down for a while, probably thinking about what I just said. She struggled to avoid eye contact with me, as she subconsciously gripped on my sweater. And after a few moments, she nodded, glancing at me as she increased some of the distance between us. Somehow, I found this very... Awkward, but wanted to do it anyway. Observing her from a closer view is different from just looking at her during normal conversations, so I took this chance to get information from her without having to change the topic we were originally talking about.

"So, here was what I wanted to ask you. Why do you get embarrassed all the time, even though I, for example, am not doing anything... Embarrassing?"

For a while, she looked to her upper left, seemingly trying to come up with a reply. And when she blinked, her eyes narrowed, then looked at me. She repeated these actions together with looking away to some random place in the end, until her mouth for her to speak.

"Um... Er... Well, I don't think I become embarrassed because you're doing something embarrassing. I guess I just get embarrassed because what your doing is sort of... Uncomfortable for me. Like, I'm not used to it. Though, I don't mean to offend you or anything! That's just... How I interpret how I feel. I'm not that good with explaining my feelings, so... I hope I haven't made you feel bad."

I stared at her for a bit, thinking about what she just explained to me. It wasn't that precise, but it was understandable. Although, I guess I do get the part about her feeling uncomfortable, seeing as she was the timid kind of person. I wanted to know other things, and ask her more question, but thought that they could all wait, since I was more eager to continue where we left off in our discussion about jealousy. After letting out a soft 'hmm', I backed away slowly, as her shoulders lightened. And without another word, I turned to enter her living room. I was about to walk to one of the couches when I remembered what Haruka mentioned earlier.

"By the way," I said, tilting my head backwards towards her direction. "Just in case you wanted to know, I wasn't offended by anything you said a while ago."

She looked surprised for a bit, but later on smiled as she expressed her feeling of relief. Both of us sat down on the same couch, with our shoulders quite far from each other. I first thought of going on ahead with asking her another question, but noticed that some part of her showed that she wanted to speak. Without thinking twice, I encouraged her to say whatever she wants to.

"You know, if you want to say something, I don't mind. It might be something important after all."

Her thumbs continued to fiddle with each other, before she nodded. I figured she was going to tell me whatever it is she wanted to say, but soon found out that she was just going to try and make up excuses for her to get away with not speaking. Though, I wasn't falling for any of it.

"But... It's not that important." she first said.

"I don't care." was my reply.

"But-! It... might be a waste of time." she continued, looking determined to make me forget about her wanting to say something. Though, as I said, I'm not falling for it.

"This is a waste of time, Haruka. Just hurry up and spit it out."

"Y-you might not like what I have to ask you..."

"You won't know what I think of it until you tell me and observe my reaction."

"B... But-!"

"No more buts. I don't care if you think I won't favor whatever you have to ask me. Just say it."

She opened her mouth to protest, but backfired a little after. My eyes narrowed, as I sighed, crossing my arms as I waited for her question. It took a few more minutes, with her fidgeting and thinking twice and all her other gestures. Soon enough though, she was able to say it. And apparently, she was right a while ago about thinking that I wouldn't... Like the question, or statement, even though I still don't know what it means to 'like' something.

"Um... I was just curious about... Why you... Don't really know much about feelings and emotions. I mean, not understanding them is quite normal, but not knowing them... I was just concerned and all with why you seem to... Not know much about things like this. I mean, it's not bad, but... I just thought it wouldn't be much of an... Advantage on your part if you were to not know about usual human emotions like... Love for example."

The room grew quiet after that, since I wasn't able to answer right away. I couldn't think of what to say, and I knew that I had to be careful with my words and their meanings, so that she wouldn't find out about my... Secret. Thankfully, she wasn't suspecting me or anything, since she really was expecting me to think of this as a sensitive matter and end up taking time to answer. But, despite my efforts of trying to come up with a good enough excuse, well... It's not really excuse, it's more of a lie. And as much as I tried to rack my brain for any ideas, I couldn't quite think of any. And even if I were to, I wouldn't know how to explain them in such a way that it'll seem believable. That's when it got to me. I could tell her something that's... Partially true, but mostly made up.

"Hm... Well, I'm not surprised with the topic you're curious about, since normally someone with a... Somehow usual life would have to at least have a clue about feelings, right? But, since my life as a child and until now is... Well, not that 'usual', I've ended up growing like this, a stranger to 'feelings'. I was always alone as a child, and... I never knew who my mother was, until now, and my father was always busy with his lab works. So, I was trained to become independent. My father raised me for a while, but I didn't feel anything, because I knew that he really was just doing this for his own benefits. When I turned four, I was old enough to handle myself, in his eyes. So, the only thing he did for me was leave me food and a list of things to do in the morning so that I wouldn't forget. He would sometimes be in the house, though most of the time he's just in his office, planning experiments and things like that."

"I know I should've felt something, even with just his small gestures, but... I didn't. All my knowledge came from books and other sources, meaning he didn't really teach me anything either. The only things he taught me were how to walk, read, write, and speak. That should've been enough to feel love coming from him, though for some reason... I honestly felt nothing. I was thankful yes, but that wasn't anything special. I simply felt the feeling of... Acceptance. Acceptance of the situation I was in. And... To be honest, I have no clue with how I'm going to explain this any further. I mean, if I felt nothing, then what's there to explain? I... I'm sorry. I just... Can't."

After I said all that, I looked at her, since previously, I was looking down at my hands. And when I saw her face, this sharp pain started swelling up in my chest. It was like, something was squeezing my insides really tightly. I know it's not the best description, but... It really does feel that way. Like, I suddenly have the urge to cough, because of... The inability to breathe. And the more I stared at her, and into her eyes, the more the pain increased. She looked so affected by my words, like what 'happened' to me was all her fault. It's like she was the one in guilt, but really, I was the one who felt guilty. Lying to someone as innocent as her... I guess I didn't think this one through.

She attempted to speak, but I stopped her from doing so by covering her mouth, though at the same time making sure that I wasn't applying to much pressure. I then scooted closer to her, and rested my forehead on hers. Slowly, I removed my hand from on top of her mouth, and much to my relief, she remained quiet, as her eyes simply continued to stare into mine. I couldn't really see her that well from my current angle, but I could see her eyes perfectly, and to me... They were... They were beautiful. They looked so innocent and pure, just like how the rest of her is.

I thought of how wrong it was to lie to her, and first planned on taking back all my words and telling her the truth. Though, I knew she wouldn't believe me, considering the time we've known each other was still not enough. And so, I just decided to confirm whether she did believe me or not, hoping that she really didn't.

"Haruka... "Did you... Believe all the things I said a while ago?" I asked, not taking my eyes of hers, as I noticed question on her face. She blinked in confusion, her eyelids going down after as she thought, before smiling softly, making the heat in me increase. which was extremely... Odd. But, as I said, I was going to have to bare with it if I wanted this to be successful. I figured it was going to take a few minutes, but was proved wrong, when she immediately replied after a few moments.

"Of course I did." she said, looking back up at me. I tightened my grip on her neck and wrist, feeling a bit uneasy about her reply. When she noticed this, she tried to loosen it and break free, but only fastened my hold on her even more, rather than to let her be. I expected her to continue resisting, though surprisingly stayed still after a few more effortless pushes instead. I went on with staring at her, when I noticed a light touch on my left cheek. And that touch turned out to be her hand. Though, it was barely on my face, so you could say that her fingers were on my cheek, more than her whole hand. None of us moved from where we were for quite some time, until Haruka bent down a bit, making her head closer to my nose. I could even smell the scent of her hair, and it smelt... Pretty good. It was like strawberries together with... A mild scent of sweetness.

She looked up at me again, as she opened her mouth to say something, but stopped after she took a deep breath. She did the same thing again, until she was finally able to let her words out.

"Mikaze-senpai..." she started, narrowing her eyes for a but before widening them again. "... Is there... Something you'd like to say?"

I repeated what she said in my mind, and thought whether I really had something to say or not. I had second thoughts with telling her, but thought that it was for the best, seeing as I knew she would find out sooner or later. Though, before I could tell her my response, I felt my chest tighten again, and this time, the pain was stronger. I wasn't able to just ignore it anymore, as not only did I feel pain in my chest, but also heat spreading all over me. With this, I knew exactly what my situation was, and it wasn't good. But, I didn't want her to worry, so I tried to bare with it, just a bit longer.

"Actually... Haruka... There is something... I'd like to say. But, I'll to be heading out soon so I'll make it brief. All the things you'd probably want to ask and say will have to wait. Understood?"

Simply nodding, she sat there and waited, as I paused for a few seconds, preparing for whatever kind of reaction that was to come. I gently took hold of her hand that was on my face, while slowly putting it down as I distanced myself from her a few inches back.

'Her hand is so... Soft. I wonder if all women have hands like this... Or is it only her?' I thought, running my thumb on the back of her hand as I continued to stare at it. She wasn't making much movements, so I got curious on how she was going on about this. And looking up, I found her eyes locked on both our hands, her expression a mixture of question and uneasiness. My eyes were on hers for quite some time, even though they weren't really connected. But when her view switched to me, I felt the urge to look away, like, if I didn't, I would explode because of all the heat I was feeling. I should have felt a bit ashamed with having to look away, but did so anyway. Though, I wasn't so uncomfortable with it, seeing as we looked away in opposite directions at the same time.

I trailed my eyes to her once more, before sighing in slight frustration. By then, I was already facing her completely, and was finished with finalizing all my thoughts and words. I didn't go straight to the point immediately, but did so after saying a few ice breakers.

"I'm sorry. We're wasting time. Do you mind if I leave the explanations for later?" I asked, my voice softer than usual. Her head tilted at first, before nodding with a small smile, an almost inaudible 'hm' coming out of her mouth.

"Okay then. So... About what I said minutes ago, they were not-... I mean, please... Don't believe any of them." I said, making it sound as simple as possible. I didn't know what this feeling I have right now was, but it hurt... A lot. The pain was especially strong the moment I saw the expression she had. Her eyebrows were raised, making her look like she was lost, which I'm sure she was. It wasn't much yet, though I knew it would get worse once I tell her everything. The room was filled with silence for a little, until Haruka spoke, asking me a question in a lowered tone.

"Mikaze-senpai... What do you mean by that... Exactly?"

I looked at her for a while, before I stood up, and turned my back on her. I figured that I'd have to be going soon, so I got ready to leave, despite knowing that she would try to stop me.

"Well... You see, I can't tell you that yet. But... I will tell you, if you meet me in the nearby park tomorrow, six pm. Though, I'll only make you go, if you believe that the story I told you about my past was a lie. I'm not forcing you to go, but... You should, because only then will you know the truth about why I'm who I am now." I answered, not even daring to look at her face. I felt bad for leaving her just hanging there, or at least I thought I was. I couldn't understand the pain I was going through, and wanted to tell her about it so badly. Though, I couldn't, knowing that I would only make the situation worse.

I felt the urge to face her and know what she was feeling, but decided to push it off, seeing as it would only make it harder for me to leave. Even so, I tilted my head a bit, using it as a sign to tell her that I was waiting for a response. She said nothing for quite some time, but finally responded after a few minutes.

"I... I don't really understand you, Mikaze-senpai. Wh-what do you mean by that? I mean, how am I supposed to believe you, when... I don't even know what to believe? I never wanted to consider any of the things you said a lie, and I wanted to believe both of the things you said but... That won't make any sense so... What am I supposed to do? I... I don't know..."

'Haruka... I... I don't know either. I really don't... I'm sorry.' I thought, knowing that I had no idea what to response to what she said. If only I could say that thought aloud, but... I can't. For some reason, there's this feeling I have that causes me pain and insecurity. Like, I want to do something, but I can't. I just... Can't. It feels like... Something's pulling me back and telling me not to, because if I do, something unwanted might happen. I think this is what they call 'fear'.

'I guess... Feelings are pretty difficult to understand... And to deal with.'

I had no idea what to respond, and my thoughts are only making my situation worse. Well, the worst part actually if the fact that she won't stop calling out to me. I wanted to turn to her, though, I was also hesitant. Because, if I were to see her face, which is probably a confused or even pained one, then... I wouldn't know what to do. Surely, my breathing would become heavy again, and I would most probably faint from all the heat circulating within me. So, I figured that the best way for now was to control myself and stay quiet until I think of a proper reply. It worked for a few moments, but turned out ineffective the moment her hand griped my sleeve from behind me. She tugged it gently, as she continued to say my name, trying to get my attention. Thankfully I was able to remain the way I was a bit more, while she also stayed frozen in place, a part of my sleeve still in between the tips of her fingers. If only things would stay the way they were, but... They can't. And that was especially shown starting from when she let go, went in front to face me. This was something I wasn't really ready for.

I had no choice but to look at her, or else she'd find it strange. So, I did face her as well, my hands balling up because of complete confusion. I never favored not knowing something, especially about things like this. I was made with the ability to 'learn' about feelings, though have never really experienced such conflict within myself. I had many things in mind. The fact that I can't resist listening to her voice is one, and another is the pain and... Unknown feeling in my chest. It's like, I feel this stirring movement in my stomach, like I'm about to puke. Every time she would utter my name with that soft voice, my state only grows worse. I kept on begging, and begging in my mind for her to stop, although... I should have known better. Actions like that don't really make differences anyway. She had difficulty with deciding whether to go or not, which I was expecting. But... I wasn't expecting this much confusion from her. I couldn't tell whether it was my fault for not explaining the conditions to her elaborately, or she really was just... Too kind. It really was harder for her than I figured it would be... Making a decision.

'Maybe... She really doesn't want to know what I have to say to her if ever she goes tomorrow evening.' I thought, feeling as if I've done the biggest crime in the whole world. I really did think that I deserve all of the pain I was in right now, and I certainly didn't blame her for anything, although... If I were to go pass my limit, she might find out about something. And that was of course the last thing I wanted her to do. I wished her to keep on being stubborn, but at the same time, wanted her to stop. Both options were for her own good, though, I thought that making her stop would be the best. That way, she's be able to think clearer, and I wouldn't have to stop myself from burning up more than I already am.

I eyed her for a few seconds, struggling to push away her words that were entering my head. My plan of catching her attention was quite strange, so I deciding to think it through. But, I realized then that I had no other choice, because I really was running out of time. In about ten more minutes, I'll most probably collapse. So I needed to hurry.

"Haruka... Please, listen to me. I know you have every right to complain, and I understand that you have a lot of questions in mind that need answering, but... I can't tell you anything, I just... Can't. I know I'm being very unreasonable, and I'm sure this was not what you expected from me, but... I'm doing this for you. If you find out now, who knows what'll happen to you. You're very fragile when it comes to emotional states. You become weak every time you feel discomfort, or stressed. And right now, you're just in the process of getting better."

I stopped for a while, gathering all my thoughts and arranging them in my head carefully. Inhaling, I prepared to speak, but hesitated, and ending up exhaling, causing a sigh to escape my mouth. Suddenly, I felt tired, my eyes getting all droopy as my body weakened, and couldn't take the pain much longer. Because of that, I had this unusual urge to put some of my weight on Haruka. I inched closer to her, tilting my head as to let my forehead land on her shoulder. She raised her shoulders as my temple made touched her shoulder blade, gasping at my unexpected movement. After she began to relax a bit, I took hold of both her arms, feeling the smoothness of her clothing under my palms. It was completely quiet moments after, fortunately. Because that way, I would be able to rethink the words I was planning to say to her minutes ago. And while I was at it, I could hear her soft breathing, as she simply stood there in silence. I found it peaceful, and it helped me a lot with calming down and clearing my head out.

At that very same instant, she turned her head and tried to look at me. Her hands struggled to push me away, seemingly attempting to straighten me up. Though, I refused to follow her, well, more like I couldn't. I wanted to remain in this position until my feet could support me no longer, but... I knew that would be wrong. Given all the confusion I've made her feel, I wouldn't want to cause her anymore trouble. So, of course, I was going to fix myself, just... Not now.

We remained still for a longer time than I expected, making my body relax even more, as my feet started becoming jelly-like. This was the sign I took to finally command myself to stand properly again, so I gripped her two wrists, preparing to push myself up. But before I was able to do that, she called my name.

"Mikaze-senpai..."

"Hm?" I replied softly, not having enough energy to use any louder volume. She stayed quiet as moments past, making me force myself to raise my head to check what was wrong. And when I faced her, she put her hand against my fore head, catching me off guard. Her eyes looked directly into mine, a strange look plastered on her face. I blinked, trying to think of why she was looking at me that way. I seized my thinking when I saw her open her mouth to speak, until a sudden idea popped up. And without a second thought, I held the hand on my forehead, and placed it down together with mine. Then, I spoke before she could.

"Don't worry, I'm fine. Thank you. I am a little sick but... I'll be okay. It's probably because of work."

Eyeing me in disbelief, her fingers squeezed mine. I returned the look with a reassuring one, making her lighten up a bit, before smiling. And for some reason, I found myself smiling too. It felt unusual, though... It wasn't a bad feeling. And I really wouldn't mind smiling a lot more, especially if I had a reason too. But, right now...

'What is my reason for smiling? Is it because she did too? Or... Something else?' I thought, my chest tightening again. Even so, I tried to continue smiling until needed. Though, something in her face changed. She seemed more... Surprised now.

"What's wrong?" I asked, frowning as my hold around tightened. She looked down, then placed a hand on my chest. Looking up, her eyes started to widen even more. It was as if she was mesmerized by something I didn't know of. And with a deep breath, she told me what was going on in that silly mind of hers.

"You... You smiled."

By then, even I was surprised...

...

...

Surprised at how exaggerated her reaction was.

My eyes narrowed, feeling exasperated by how childish this girl was. Sure, I figured she would be surprised, but not this surprised. Her eyes were practically shining with amazement, even more than a fan's.

"Good grief... Haruka, you don't have to be that surprised."

"But... It's just that I've never seen you smile before. And, I never thought that you would be smiling any time soon... Until a while ago happened. But... I don't mean it in a bad way. I'm actually very happy to see you smile, because... I never thought I would be able to see you... Or any of my other seniors smile. And, I think all four of you look better when you smile from the bottom of your hearts. It... Brings out your inner glow. I'm sure right now your thinking that everything I'm saying is nonsense but... I don't really mind. I guess, what I'm saying is that I'm very happy with just having seen all of you smile... For real. And I thank you for showing me that beautiful smile of yours. I've never been able to say all of this to the rest, but I really want to. Just knowing that all of you trust me with your smiles give me hope that I'll be recognized by you guys some day."

Just now, I felt speechless, hearing her say all of that. I mean, I could never even imagine how she's able to think of us that way despite the things we've said to her. I mean, we've been so cold to her up until now, save for Reiji, and there she goes thinking about how to make us happy instead of herself? She really is... A very kind person.

Up until now, I've never really cared about whether people were kind to me or not, as long as I was considerably polite. But with her, it seems to affect my system more than I thought it would. And the more I think about it, the bigger the chance I have of overheating in a small amount of time.

'I would have stayed with you longer, if I could... Haruka. And I would have talked with you more if my system didn't go against me all of a sudden. Please don't get the wrong idea... I'm so sorry... I have to go. If you find out now, I don't know what I'll do. I'm sorry.'

Not letting go of the hand that was in mine, I'll pulled her into my arms for a hug. My data said that this was usually a show of affection, but right now, I don't think that's the reason. Then again... The reason doesn't even matter anymore. I held her tight, before whispering a few words into her ear. She protested at first, and refused to let go when I tried to, but in the end, I prepared to leave before anything bad happened.

"Haruka, I know this is sudden, but I'm really sorry. I need to get back. I still have things to do, and matters to take care of. But please don't think that all of what you aid meant nothing to me, because that's wrong. I really appreciate your kind words, and thank you for saying them to someone like me. Please be more careful with yourself, and make sure not to overwork tomorrow."

"And... I know this would seem like I'm trying to convince you to go, but... I hope you do, since, that would probably the only time I'll be able to tell you everything. No made up stories, no lies. So... I'll be waiting, okay? But, for now... Good bye."

Both her hands continued to grasp onto my wrist, before she nodded, smiling as she thanked me. It's amazing how she can easily be so humble. Well, I guess that's how she is. And I was... I was happy with it. I wasn't really sure with what being 'happy' meant, but... I'm sure it was something like this. A warm feeling in the chest. But for me, it was a bit suffocating. I didn't mind though.

With a soft squeeze, she let go, remaining in her place as she waited for me to step out of the door. I opened it half way, and was about to walk out when she suddenly said my name.

"Mikaze-senpai..."

Looking back, I faced her and replied. "Hm?"

"Thank you... Very much. Please don't feel bad or apologize for any of this. If anyone were to have to apologize, it would be me. You were feeling unwell, and yet, I had to push you... Making you feel even worse. I'm sorry." she continued, bowing as she mentioned the last line. When she straightened up again, I took hold of her wrist and held it for a while, before replying, another smile forming on my lips.

"You're welcome. And, you don't have to apologize either. Alright?"

Her gaze followed from our hands to my face, her eyes twinkling as she smiled. I took that as a sign that she was going to be fine, and slowly began to release the grip surrounding her hand. And with one last look, I turned, and stepped out of the door.

I was just a few meters away from her dorm when she called out to me again. Surprised, my eyes shot up, and immediately tried to relax before facing her. I stayed silent, and allowed her to continue, and so she did. When her words got to me, I felt happier than I ever was before.

"Mikaze-senpai... I'll make sure to not make you wait long tomorrow evening, okay? See you! Good night! Please feel better again!" she shouted, waving her hand as she said her unspoken goodbye. And just when I thought I was through with smiling for the day, I ended up doing it again, as I waved back, replying with a simple 'mn'. Bowing, she waved for the last time, before I turned to walk back to my dorm. And as I walked through the halls of the girls' dormitories, I looked out the window, and up at the stars, doing something silly as I stared at the small dots in the night sky.

"Good night... Haruka." I mumbled, suddenly reminded of her because of the twinkling lights above my head.

Haruka's POV

After getting ready for bed, I sat down, and recalled all the things Mikaze-senpai said to me a while back. Suddenly, I remembered what he whispered into my ear, before he decided to head back to his dorm. I still couldn't get his condition out of my head, seeing as I felt his whole body burning up. I wanted to take care of him for a change, though, he refused, even before I spoke of the idea.

I also couldn't stop thinking about how he said that the past he told me was all a lie. It all happened so fast. He just... Suddenly told me he was lying maybe a few minutes after he was finished with his story. It was confusing, but... I couldn't blame him. He was feeling ill, and probably wasn't able to think straight. And maybe, he really did have a past much different from the one he spoke of... One that was much darker.

'He probably couldn't tell me because he thought I couldn't take it. And maybe, he became conscious with lying to me and immediately took it back. It doesn't sound like the Mikaze-senpai I thought I used to know, but... If he's able to smile, then he's most probably able to feel other feelings as well.' I thought, continuing my trail of though aloud, as I felt the remaining tingles from his grip.

"Well, no matter. I'm probably going to get the answers to my questions tomorrow, when we meet. But... Hopefully, he won't force himself to tell me everything. Since... I don't really need to know all of these things now."

I felt guilty for pushing him to tell me what exactly it was he was talking about while he was still here. So, I decided to make sure not to commit the same mistake tomorrow, and try to be more considerate with his feelings more than my own .

'First Rei-chan, now Mikaze-senpai? Hm... I guess... They all have pasts I'll never know of... Or understand completely.'

As the night continued to pass, all I ever thought of was my four seniors I knew nothing of. I've also been thinking about how insensitive and selfish I've been, and decided to do my best in changing my ways. Though, side from myself, all I could ever think of was how hard it must be to sile in front of the camera like that, despite not wanting to. I guess... It's only fair that they show who they really are when no one's watching.

"Hm... It's no wonder they all have difficulties with expressing their own feelings..."

---

Well, that's all for now! And... I know Ai-chan seems a bit too sweet here, but... I am pretty much basing their personalities from the game, (probably save for Ruka's), and there, he's sweet... And I mean REALLY sweet. Well, for me, at least. 'Cause I wasn't expecting him to be so nice at first... X)

Anyway-! Thanks for reading!... and waiting. =_="

I am so sorry! TTTT_TTTT Hopefully I won't update this late anymore... ^_^"

Bye bye! XD

Oh and by the way, those... guests who reviewed, I don't know if you're just one person but thanks a lot for the support and all! ^_^

I'm saying this here since I can't reply to your reviews... ne? ^_^