Alleghany had never been pregnant before. Of course, she'd always made sure the man wore protection before.
She took a careful swig of the white lightening. She was down to the last bottle. She would have to talk to Jackson about that. He probably had more squirreled away, hording them like the selfish louse he was.
She'd talk to him about it right now if he was here. He wasn't though. Far from giving it up after one Sunday, he was now attending on other days of the week apparently. He had gone to the Christmas Eve service. And he'd asked her to come with him. As if the sentimentality of the day would break her. She may have been with child, not that he knew that, but she was feeling far from sentimental.
She started to take another drink, but a wave of nausea hit her. She suddenly couldn't stand the smell of the contents. She had to cap the bottle before she threw up. She'd just started drinking, so that meant it was the fault of the baby. It was its father's child, doing its best to make her life more miserable.
She went outside to breathe in fresh air. The dogs surrounded her, which didn't help matters. They smelled like wet dogs thanks to the rain earlier. But they were all gathered around desiring her attention and she rewarded them with petting while she held her breath. The treats she fed them almost daily had done the trick. The only time they didn't seem to like her now was when she was arguing with Jackson and she wondered if they wouldn't still track her and bite her at their master's command.
She'd take jerky with her as a precaution when she escaped. And she would get the truck keys from him this time, so he wouldn't be able to follow her right away until she was long gone. The question was when and how she would do it. Getting him drunk again was out of the question. Maybe she would just bash him over the head with a frying pan. That seemed a satisfying option.
The dog in front of her opened its mouth and that was worse than the wet dog smell. She got sick on the grass in front of her.
And all she could think about was how much she hated Jackson, so much so that she hated the baby inside her too. It made her physically sick whenever she thought that she carried his offspring, his seed inside her. She would be rid of it just as soon as she was rid of Jackson.
sss
The Christmas Eve service had been thought-provoking, but mostly it had beautiful. The lighting of candles and the symbolism behind it touched him. They'd all been wanderers in the dark until someone had held up the light of Christ. He didn't know how he could have gone so long in the dark and he wanted to share that light with Alleghany.
He was the last one out of the service. The preacher shook his hand and wished him a Merry Christmas. "Can we talk? Sometime after Christmas, of course. I know you probably have family to get home to tonight."
"My parents are understanding. Let's go inside where we can talk better." The preacher sat down on the back pew and Jackson joined him. Neither spoke right away. The preacher seemed to sense he needed time to open up.
"I need advice about my wife."
"How is Allegheny?"
"That's a loaded question, Preacher. Fine, I guess. Well, not fine at all. Troubled would be a better word."
"I assume she's not a woman of faith since she won't come to church with you."
"You assume right."
"But you love her. I can see it in your face. You know spouses can be a witness to their mates in a way the rest of the world can't be. Don't think of leaving her just because she won't believe. If she's willing to live with you, that's good."
He ignored the if-she's-willing part. "I do love her. I love her for her beauty, her cleverness, her fire, and I know she has a deep capacity for love from the way she loves her family. She consumes my thoughts."
"Hmm." There was a pause. "You look like you got something else you want to say."
He didn't want to say it, but the pastor probably needed to know the whole ugly truth to better advise him. "She ran away about a month ago. Robbed me and had no intention of ever coming back. I had to chase her down. I loved her so much that when she almost took up with another man, I was blinded with jealousy. I beat the other man severely in front of her and I took what she didn't offer just because I was angry. I knew it was wrong even before I got saved. But now she hates me, not that I think she was ever overly fond of me, and I don't know how to make it up to her. I've tried backing off and courting her and she just spends every moment she can trying to make me angry. Or at least, it seems that way."
"You didn't love her. You were thinking about the wrongs done to you, about your needs. You may have thought you loved her, but you weren't experiencing love. Love is selfless. It's kind. It's patient. It doesn't get angry, it doesn't dishonor, and it doesn't keep a record of wrongs. "
He was right. His main motivation had been that she was his wife. As if that marriage document gave him the right to keep her forever even if that meant keeping her locked up in his cabin. And it hadn't felt good, the feelings he had felt towards her. The urgency, the burning lust, the need to have her with him, the desire to possess all of her. It had bordered more on obsession than love. "So how do I love her then?"
"It's as simple as putting her needs and welfare above yours. Letting go of your grudges. Being kind and patient with her. Genuinely loving her. Not with the kind of love you find in novels where they're fixated only on each other and how the other makes them feel, but the kind of love you find in the Bible, pure and self-sacrificing."
"What if she won't accept that love? What if she won't accept me?"
"You can't control what she does or what she feels. But you can control you. Let her see the light of Christ in you and more than just your marriage could be saved. You could end up helping to save her very soul."
"Well, thanks, Preacher. That does help." He stood up to go, but then he asked, "You think less of me for what I did, don't you?"
"For one thing it was before you were saved, but even if it wasn't, I've heard it all, son, in the 21 years I've been a preacher. There's not much that shocks me. You know the story of Bathsheba and David?"
"Sure." Even though he was unchurched, he knew the gist of the story. "Bathsheba took a bath on the roof where David could see and seduced him."
"That's the story most people will tell you, but it's not the story the Bible tells. David was the one on the roof. She was most likely in her courtyard never guessing anyone could see her. She was taking a bath commanded by Yahweh's law and he was shirking his duty as king. David was the one who found out her identity and he had her brought to the palace to lay with her. What choice did a woman in those days have to say no to the king? Some might even call it a type of rape. Then he had her husband killed to cover it up. He committed murder after taking what wasn't his to take. And we find out that God only calls David out on his sin. The Bible says the thing David had done displeased Him, not David and Bathsheba. She is given the role of a lamb with no say in the story that the prophet tells to David. Bathsheba was innocent from all accounts. Then David repents of his evil and is forgiven."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"Only to say this. God forgives any sin you can name except for complete and total rejection of the Holy Spirit if we'll only repent and turn to Him. Bible heroes were just people, sinners like me and you. It was their faith that made them great, not a spotless record. When you repented, like David you were forgiven. Yet, the consequences aren't necessarily taken away. The baby from their union died. But don't think they weren't given blessings too. Like Solomon and being a part of Christ's lineage. Keep the faith whatever happens with you and your wife."
He'd just gotten another sermon, but he didn't mind. It what he had needed to hear. "I intend to."
"Merry Christmas, Jackson. I'll be praying for you both."
"Merry Christmas."
sss
Jackson didn't want to wait until morning for Alleghany to open her gift. He presented it to her as soon as he got home.
"A present? More booze I hope." She took the wrapped box warily.
"I'm not going to be making anymore of that." He sat down across from her.
"What do you mean you're no going to be making anymore of it?"
"It's illegal and it's immoral. And what kind of man would I be, if I sat back and watched you drink yourself to death? I know you do it to help you forget, but I want you to find other ways to forget. In guilt, I let you do it, but it ain't solving nothing. Least of all for you."
She was angered by his words, but she was surprised too. She didn't know what else to do, but tear into her present. It was a tall black hat made even taller by the feathers on it.
"The lady at the store told me it's the latest fashion," Jackson explained. "Says Greta Garbo wears one just like it."
She sat it carelessly on the floor without a thank you.
He went over and pulled the Bible off the shelf.
"Don't read the Christmas story," she begged when she realized what he was going to do with it. The last thing in the world she wanted to hear was a story about a baby.
But he read from Luke anyway. Ignoring what she wanted, but what else was new? She hummed to herself, but it didn't keep her from hearing bits and pieces like "blessed is the fruit of thy womb" and "she gave birth to her firstborn son."
And suddenly she was in tears. Jackson looked hopeful, but she dashed those hopes quickly when she said, "I'm missing my family on Christmas. It's got nothing to do with you or the fairytale you just read."
She all but ran for the privacy of the bedroom. She rested her back against the door and let the tears flow.
She couldn't do it. She'd thought she could, but she couldn't seek out a doctor who was willing to ignore the law and end the baby's life. It hadn't asked to be created. It was innocent. The only innocent one in this whole situation.
That didn't mean she wanted to raise it. And she didn't want Jackson raising it either, but she would find it a home with good parents when the time came. She could do that much for her unborn child.
She hadn't lied to Jackson. She did miss her family more than ever right now. Christmas tended to intensify the absence of family. It intensified her loneliness. There was nobody to love and nobody to love her, but then she supposed that was the definition of loneliness. She would change that when this place and the child were a mere memory and there were new lovers to hold.