Okay! I'm back! X3 I know... It's been about two months of no update, and my story is going real slow... and I'm sorry for that.
But, I tried to make this chapter as long as possible... Though not too long cause that would be a bit boring... I think. .
Ok, so this chapter will be another one of those 'Haruka drama sessions', but it won't take too long. Don't worry. ^v^ Anyway, I was in a real hurry to finish this, so I'm very very sure there will be a lot of typos. I'm really, really sorry... ;_;
I become too lazy to proofread my own work. ^-^"
But, enough of that... I HOPE YOU ENJOY! XD
Even though there're not much enjoyable parts here... o_o...
Camus' POV
Entering the woman's room, I had a thought.
'Hm… I wasn't able to ask Mikaze about what happened, nor did he reveal to me anything that happened last night when they went missing.'
I sighed, roughly. Originally I planned to only meet his favor once he's told me everything, but due to the lack of free time he has before work, he had to rush and go on ahead with ordering me around. And there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop him. Though of course, I could just will myself to ignore his request and return to my dorm after he has left, but still…
I couldn't just leave her here, lying around, sick.
Not only will it affect her work status, but it will also affect mine. If she isn't able to finish QUARTET NIGHT's song in time, then it would be a very big hassle, and the deadline is only three days away. Honestly, I wasn't even sure whether she was really finished with the composition or not. Either way, she had to get better. She just had to. We haven't had any practice yet, and if she doesn't get better by today, then I'll be sure to punish her.
Putting that aside, I am now inside her living room, and couldn't help but notice the faint smell of strawberry mixed together with vanilla. Then it came to me that the scent was familiar. 'Just like the last time…' I remarked inwardly, recalling the past events I've had with her the first time I entered her room alone. And apparently, it was for the same reason as now.
I had to take care of her… again.
'Hmph… now that woman is even more in debt to me than last time. And speaking of debts…
"Seems like she wasn't able to make my chocolate fondue." I mumbled under my breath, as I let myself in the woman's room where she laid there on the bed at the farthest corner, unconscious. My eyes narrowed, letting out another sigh as I walked closer to her.
Positioning myself before the bed, I leaned on the wall right beside the glass doors that lead to her balcony. I crossed my arms, keeping my eyes on her all the while, though not for very long. Only two to three minutes had passed and I already had the urge to walk out of the door. After all, I didn't wish to agree on this in the first place. I had other things; better things to do, than to watch over a sleeping woman of little importance to me. But I admit…
'She isn't so bad...'
'She wasn't completely insignificant to me.'
I thought, as I immediately brushed it off the moment after. I wasn't exactly comfortable with thinking of her that way, so I just took a seat on the sofa, held out the book I had brought with me, and opened it. From there, I continued where I left off. It didn't have much of a story, though it was merely about royalty in the olden times. This may not seem like a book someone of this time should be reading, but since it fits my interest and my life at the palace, I decided to read it when I suddenly found it the other day.
I was just about to enter an unexpected turn of the story when I heard the door swing open. Crossing both eyebrows, I finished the last sentence of the 122nd page before I tilted my head slightly in order to see who was there. Before that, I guessed and thought of who that could be, and unsurprisingly, I was right.
It was Mikaze.
So, I stood up, went over to him, and waited. I knew he was here to give me the medicine, so I waited for him to hand it over. But much to my annoyance, he wasn't moving an inch, as he just stared at me with narrowed eyes that casually glanced at what I guessed was the woman's direction. Then, his head tilted, and made it look obvious that he was looking at her. The second after, he went back to looking at me with eyes even more narrowed. Automatically, I returned the action, and narrowed mine as well. Ready to say whatever I had to to make him move, I opened my mouth to speak when he decided it was a good time to cut me off before I even started.
"Is she okay?" he asked. I was a bit confused on how he could show so much concern for her when just a few days ago he acted like she was almost nothing to her.
'Something happened…' I thought, nodding at him while letting out a small 'hm'.
"Are you sure?" he added, still keeping on his stoic face that was getting on my nerves quite a bit. Again, I nodded.
"How did you know? Did you check on her? Did you put a hand over her forehead?"
Further raising an eyebrow as the other slid lower, I grunted, feeling annoyed with the fact that he was actually questioning my reply. Although, this certainly wasn't anything new; Mikaze was very accurate and precise, and wanted everything sure and done correctly. Of course, I behave the same way, but not during every single situation, and especially not on unimportant ones such as this. I didn't have to do so much as to get her temperature, because I would know if ever she was feeling any distress. A person with high fever would every once in a while have heavy or uneven breathing sessions, which would be obvious even from under a thick bed sheet if properly supervised. And honestly, I could at least do as much as to observe how she's doing from time to time.
"Well, no, I did not, but I didn't need to. She seemed fine to me anyway." I stated, proudly, as I placed both arms over my chest. With his eyelids shut half way, he sighed, as they closed completely, opening them again before he was about to contradict. Well… actually, I wouldn't call it a contradiction, but a complaint. It was more of a complaint, than a contradiction.
"Huh… why must you be like this now, of all days? I asked you to stay here in order to take care of her, not to just lie around and glance when you think you need to, unless you can actually bear never letting her off your sight. And if you could, you have to take her temperature once in a while, or else you won't know whether she's actually getting better or not."
Pausing for a bit, he looked at her, then back to me.
"If you don't want to do so much as to touch her forehead, you could at least start making soup. It's getting late, and I have to get going. But before I do, I have to know that you're really cooking and doing what I told you to do, so go. Head to the kitchen, and use whatever's available. I'll check on her."
Holding in another sigh, I made my way to the kitchen, knowing that I had no other choice but to do as he said. There was really no one here to take my place, and just leaving her here would be the same as wasting time, so I better just get on with it. I never favored taking orders from anyone else but my queen, especially for non-working purposes, though this situation was different. And now that I think about it, I never actually had much planned for the day, save for staying seated on my chair as I reread about half of my books while drinking tea and eating cookies, so this wasn't much of an interruption after all.
'Except for the fact that this is going to take up about two to three hours of my relaxation for this week...' I thought, as my hand found its way to the bridge of my nose, and squeezed it. I was already in the kitchen, and was approaching the fridge I spotted to the left side. Once I was close enough, I opened it, and went through the ingredients that were present. Seeing as she had many things in store, I didn't have any problems with what I was going to put in whatever dish I had to cook. There were some vegetables and meat, eggs, and also a few sandwiches, then the drinks. I wasn't surprised. She just stopped by the grocery yesterday; it was no wonder her refrigerator was still complete.
Quite a few things came to mind when I saw all the resources I would be able to use, but despite that, none of them were actually fitted for being consumed by someone with a fever. The woman needed something easy to eat, and digest. Soup would really be the best choice of food, but…
'What soup am I supposed to make exactly?'
Turning away from the fridge, I began recalling a few of the simple soup recipes I knew of. At first, I thought of making mushroom soup, which was my queen's favorite, especially when she had a cold or fever. But, I didn't see any mushrooms so, I couldn't make that.
I grunted.
"Hmph… how troublesome."
Ai's POV
Looking at Haruka, I felt relieved with how she slept so peacefully. Well… at least that's what they called the feeling of not being "disturbed", and that's how I've been looking at things up to this point so I can confidently say that I'm… relieved. Though even with that, I still couldn't stop thinking of her, and the possible bad things that might happen to her. Her fever might get worse, if Camus doesn't take good care of her. She could develop a sort of ailment from the pain and distress she experienced, and it could harm her health and well-being.
She may even stop or decide never to trust me or allow me to talk with her beyond dormitory walls.
That may not seem like much of a big deal but, if it has anything to do with trust, possibly it could only be lessened, or returned. I made a research on it before, and have discovered that 'trust' is a very important and sensitive topic to humans. It could do many things, both good and bad. If you have trust in someone, then you'll feel comfort. If someone trusts in you, either you'll feel "honored" with the fact that you're being trusted, or you won't care. That's the bad side of trust. One of either side of the line will get hurt in the end, if it isn't valued.
And I didn't want to be that person who couldn't even do so much as to keep a simple agreement… even if I already did.
There were many, many other things that circled my mind, which was why I ended up having a harder time leaving. Honestly, by this time I should at least know that I had no other choice but to leave Haruka in Camus' hands in hopes of her not getting any worse, but still… something in me stirred. My chest began throbbing again the moment I laid my eyes on her when I entered the room to check if Camus was doing as told. Fortunately, it was subtle, but I could still feel it.
The pain was still there.
It was to be expected. Starting from after what happened last night, I began having the urge to never leave her side, or to at least know where she is and will be going every single day. I at first figured it would be a little too personal to do so, but it was the least I could do in order to keep her safe. What she experienced yesterday was entirely my fault. If I hadn't gone to Hakase that night, then I wouldn't have forgotten anything…
I wouldn't have left her there in the middle of that storm.
I could've endured it, wait… no. I should've endured it, but I didn't. I should have at least thought of the effects of Hakase's repair on my system. If I did, then I wouldn't have had the data of that planned meeting erased. I should have told one or two people at least, and ask for help in finding her that stormy night. If I did, then I wouldn't have made her endure those long, painful minutes she had in the cold. She could have been saved sooner.
There were so many things I could have done, things I'm only thinking of now but should have thought of hours ago. Each time I looked at her; her closed eyes and their long eyelashes, her sleeping face, her hair with the scent of strawberries, I could remember how pathetic I was for letting such a fragile being such as her out of my mind, and how weak I was for taking an eternity before I held her in my arms and tried to protect her. All her pain was caused because of that one mistake, my mistake, the one I committed out of carelessness.
I was selfish, and an idiot.
I not only made that wrong move for my sake, but I failed to think of all those important and obvious details that could have been the better way for everything.
I failed, as her senpai.
But regret wasn't going to change anything. The present was more important, and I knew that. I had to be more careful with my actions, and think before doing them. I had to properly look after Haruka. After all, I am one of those people assigned and in charge of her. And I didn't want her to stop doing what she does best, which was composing. Now, I understood how she needed to be looked after from time to time, because it wasn't her fault she was born with a frail body. It wasn't her fault she had to wait there, despite the weather.
Reiji was right. Although she really is old enough to think for herself, there are some exceptions to every rule. I wasn't aware of what she has been through, nor do I know now. I was too harsh on her, and the fact that I caused more suffering to her only made it worse. I may not understand much about psychological or mental pain, but I know when not to make rash judgments, and when enough was enough. I know when to stop talking, or at least… I should have known, that time we first met.
I was in pain, and my chest continued to ache, but I managed to remain calm. I tried disregarding all those thoughts for now, and focused on Haruka. It would only waste time and worsen my situation if I didn't. So, I kneeled, and locked my eyes on her sleeping face, as I rested my hand atop of hers which was covered by the blanket she snuggled with. There, I stayed silent, until I just let out whatever words seemed right.
"Haruka… I know regretting and trying to correct things in the past won't change anything, because that will only cause more trouble not only for me, but especially for you. I know you're quite sensitive, and always think of others to the point of completely forgetting about yourself, but… all I want to say is that I'm sorry. I… I apologize for what I've done to you, even though you can't hear me at the moment. But, don't worry. I will apologize to you again, when you're well enough."
Sparing a few more moments, I sat there, all the while looking at her, until I reached for her head to pat it, mumbling a small 'goodbye' before standing up, and turning to the door. Approaching it, I noticed that it was already open, and pushed it in order to walk out. Crossing my eyebrows, I wondered why it was so, despite clearly remembering that I left the door closed. Taking a step forward, I looked to the side.
It was Camus.
"I'm surprised you didn't decide to come in instead of standing here and wasting your time." I said, not putting much 'emotion' to it. Raising a brow, he replied, "Well, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here, wasting my time."
"Does that refer to the time I asked you come here or the fact that I took longer in checking on Haruka than expected?" I asked, narrowing my eyes a little bit.
"Both. Though, mainly because of the second choice." he said. For a long time, we were just there, standing and staring at each other like we wanted to drill holes into each other's eyes. This is the problem with Camus. He has a short temper, and is quite high in pride. He isn't easily ordered around, and is sarcastic from time to time, especially in the wrong times. It annoys me sometimes, but what can I do? Telling him all those things would only make the situation worse.
Though as a summary of that annoyance I had, I simply stated, "Eavesdropper."
Of course, he had a reply up his sleeve… again. "Hmph. If you didn't have that 'alone time' with the woman, I wouldn't have anything to eavesdrop on. But, rest assured, I didn't hear anything. Your voice was softer than it already is."
"Fine, then let's forget about it, and just answer me this instead: Are you done cooking, or… have you at least started?" I stated, then asked, walking ahead to the kitchen with him at my back. And just when I was about to await his reply, I entered the kitchen, and saw no pot, no bowl, nor even one ingredient that has been prepared on the counter. I sighed, and turned to him.
"Well?"
"I obviously haven't done anything, if you can't see whatever is in the kitchen."
I glared, but barely. My glare was merely a slight squint of the eyes. Getting angry with him would only waste more time. And speaking of that, I calculated the time I had left, and had fifteen minutes in total. If I don't leave now, then I'll be late for sure. So, I simply shrugged it off, and went straight to the point. By this time, I already knew the reason as to why he hasn't made anything yet.
"Camus, if you can't think of anything else to cook, then just go with Okayu. That'll be simple enough for you."
"How do you make that, exactly?" he asked, just when I was about to leave Haruka's dormitory. This immediately caught my attention, because even though he isn't Japanese, when coming to Japan, he should've at least looked up a simple dish like this. So I looked at him, bewildered, and he seemed to have noticed that.
"Do you think I would know how to cook a dish made from rice and water? I wouldn't dare cook that unless that was all I had." he stated, looking unsatisfied with the suggestion I gave him. Well, I had no other choice. That was the only dish he could cook in less than an hour and is good for people with sicknesses, since it is easy to digest. He had to stick with that, unless he had other choices he would make himself, which I thought was unlikely, seeing as that was the reason he wasn't able to start anything yet.
"Well, if that's the case, then I'll just tell you how to cook it. Though I suggest you cook it after she wakes up, or if she does, since if you do it now, then it'll be cold by the time she eats it. So, first, you'll have to get uncooked rice, probably less than one-fourth cup, then rinse until the water's clear. Soak the rice in the pot for about 30 minutes, then drain the water. Add water again after, about 250ml, and cover the pot while it boils in high heat. After, you mix it once, and boil it again but in slow fire for 30 minutes. Then, let it simmer for 10 minutes, and you're done. Add miso if you want to, or a beaten egg."
Finishing my brief explanation on how to make Okayu, everything was silent all of a sudden. I waited for a reply of some sort, or at least a nod, though honestly, I wasn't expecting that. So, heading for the kitchen exit, I gave my regards.
"If you've already taken note of all that, then I'll be going now. Don't forget everything I told you." I reminded him, taking a step forward when I noticed that there was something I wasn't able to tell him. So I took a step back, and told him, as I looked straight into his eyes, hoping he took that seriously.
"Also… take care of Haruka. If she wakes up, don't be so hard on her. She might take it in a more sensitive way than usual. And if ever she gets cold, her blankets are in the last drawer to the left beside the towels. There should be one or two left."
Immediately after, I exited the room, and left, as I headed for the stairs and down. I needed to hurry, if I didn't want to be too late. I should be glancing at the time as I made my way to work, but the only thing I repeatedly thought about was Haruka, and whether she would be okay. But, strangely that also served as my "motivation". The sooner I got to the building, the sooner I finish; the sooner I finish, the sooner I can get home to see her. Until then, I'll have to trust Camus and hope he took this responsibility seriously.
Camus' POV
"Hmph. Why didn't he just tell me sooner? He wouldn't be in such a hurry if he did instead of consuming the whole day just looking at her." I mumbled to myself, as I headed back to the woman's bedroom. It's not that I had a problem with him speaking to her, but, with the sudden change of attitude towards the woman, normally I would be intrigued as to why this happened. He himself did not necessarily change massively, though, this behavior Mikaze had did make it a tad bit more obvious that something happened between them, and it was a pretty big deal as well.
Sitting down on the couch, I planned on continuing my book once more when my eyes suddenly found their way to where the woman laid. Immediately, I remembered the words Mikaze had told me.
"…I asked you to stay here in order to take care of her, not to just lie around and glance when you think you need to, unless you can actually bear never letting her off your sight..."
Taking a deep breath, I placed my two fingers and thumb on the bridge of my nose, and pinched it, my eyes shut tight as my eyebrows crossed. Then I thought for a moment, and debated with myself regarding whether to get up and take a quick look at her or not.
'Ugh… what am I to lose?' I said inwardly as I let out the air I held in, as my eyes opened, their look directed at her. At first, I tried to find reasons as to why I should do so. I mean, I helped her once, but it never meant I was eager to help her again anytime. Though… she did need someone, and it was true that everyone else was out, which was why I'm here in order to look after her. If I just sat here and waited for her to get a heart attack, then it would be the same thing as doing nothing, which would result to questioning even more as to why I'm here. In short… I might as well do my job. If I don't, then I might as well just leave.
Standing up, I walked over to her, as she remained asleep. When I was close enough, or just right beside her, I searched for her face under those thick blankets. I couldn't properly see it though, so I reached for a part and pulled it slowly. Her eyes were then in sight, when I realized I had to go closer in order to really see her, so I did. She seemed a bit pale, and casually stirred and tucked in herself more.
Knitting my brows a bit, I scanned her for the last time, before reaching out to her and removing the towel on her forehead. Then, I placed the back of my hand against it without hesitation.
"You're burning…" I mumbled, feeling her temperature which I guessed was about 48 degrees or higher. She most probably hasn't gotten better ever since she together with Mikaze returned, so I thought of what to do. I at first planned to get another blanket to keep her warm when I remembered the towel I had in my hand, which was still warm.
"Hm… no need for me to change this then." I told myself, before I placed it back on her forehead. Glancing at the cabinet behind me, I approached it, before opening the last drawer. There, I spotted the two blankets neatly folded and stacked on top of one another, just like he said. So I got one, and spread it out atop the other layer of cloth. I made sure to tuck in the sides so that she wouldn't get cold, and when I was done, I checked on her again. She looked okay for now, so I went back to the couch and was about to sit down when an idea suddenly popped into mind.
Leaving my book on the sofa, I walked towards the door, and got out of the room. I was told to wait for her wake up but nothing was going to happen at this point. I needed her to recover fast, or at least feel better, so that I would be able to talk to her and get some answers to my questions, and apparently everybody else's. I was headed for the kitchen by the way, in case you hadn't noticed. I was going to start cooking the rice porridge, and when I finish, I'll be waking her up if ever she isn't awake by then. After all, it was about time she take her medicine, or else she'll never get better.
Getting uncooked rice I found from one of the cabinets, I placed exactly one-fourth cup inside a bowl, and pulled up my sleeves before I began to wash. While I did so, I thought, 'She better be thankful for all the help I've been handing to her until now.', as I rinsed the water for the third time. Apparently this was the last, before I went on with leaving the rice in water for about 30 minutes. And after I had filled the bowl with water again, I just left it there, and went back to the room. I thought of waking her up already, although I figured she could still rest for a few minutes, so I instead planned on waking her up after letting the rice boil for another 30 minutes or in between.
Looking around, I observed her room, and its aura. It never changed, starting from when I first entered here. You could definitely tell it was a woman's room, but it wasn't filled with that nose-stinging scent of expensive perfume. Instead, the air's scent was mildly sweet, like vanilla, with a hint of strawberries. I never failed to complement that aspect about her room because that's probably the only thing I found relatively pleasing, or something I would always want to go back to. Aside from the fact that her room wasn't filled with stuffed animals, posters of boys, and pink-colored stuff, that was the only thing I looked forward to or would remember when coming her; the scent. Apparently, she was just the same. Her scent was soft on the nose, and wasn't as irritating as how fans would smell like. Honestly, every time I got close enough to fans that I could smell them, I always had to try and stop myself from covering my nose, and making a rude enough facial expression.
"Hmph… it's a good thing you use mild perfume, or else I would have never stepped foot inside this place ever again." I said to myself, looking like a fool for talking to no one. Walking towards her, I checked if she was still sleeping comfortably, and fortunately, she was. Seemingly contented with just looking at how she was, I turned to the door when I suddenly had a second thought. Immediately, I turned back, and pulled the cover a little towards me and placed a hand on her neck.
'Hm… temperature is still high, but you'll be alright for now.' I thought, signaling myself in my head that the woman was fine, and I could go back to the kitchen to continue cooking. Taking one last glance at her, I turned, and finally went back to finishing the Okayu. I found it strange, and quite awkward that I actually spent 20 minutes in the woman's room just inhaling its sweet scent. Apparently, it made me crave for chocolate as well, which was why I planned on eating some once I get back to my dormitory.
Still having 10 minutes to spare, I took a seat at the dining table, and began reading my book once more. And in exactly 5 minutes, I was able to finish the chapter I started almost an hour ago and wasn't able to finish until now. Then, I ended up finishing another chapter before glancing at my watch and concluded that it was time to boil the rice in newly poured water. After draining, I poured approximately 250ml of water and boiled it for about 15 to 20 minutes in fully heated temperature. While waiting, I of course continued reading again, until it was time to stir then let it boil again for another 30 minutes in slow fire. And at this point, I was starting to become quite impatient.
"Good grief… what kind of dish takes this long, and only has two main ingredients? And on top of that, those two are only rice and water. I'd rather eat the usual rice that only takes about 10 to 15 minutes to cook in a rice cooker than to take this long in cooking what practically is the same thing, only softer." I said, complaining as I mixed the rice soaked in water. I could've said many other things during that short amount of time, but decided not to waste any more energy in talking nonsense. If I wanted to complain, I would have done it even before Mikaze had left. Though, since I am a man merciful enough not to waste other people's time, I figured to just let it slide for now. He was in a hurry, so most likely even if I began complaining, he would surely ignore it and leave once he has finished telling me what I needed to do. But the thought of having to follow someone's orders on a day like this really does irritate me; not to mention that he together with the woman was the reason I was deprived of more than two hours of sleep. I blamed her for being so frail and weak, but there were also reasons for blaming Mikaze. I just couldn't mention them right now because I still don't know anything about what happened last night.
By this time, I was already done stirring, and began waiting for a whole 30 minutes to pass once again as I continued my book. As minutes past, I finished one chapter, and began another; repeating this process until it was ten minutes before the time was up. Rising from my seat, I placed my book down on the table, and went for the woman in order to wake her up.
'Surely the time I allotted for her was more than enough…' I thought, sighing at the sight of her probably still sleeping. I figured I was going to have a bit of a hard time waking her up because of her sickness, and hurting her just to get her conscious wasn't an option, which is why I prepared exactly ten minutes just for waking her up, seeing as it was going to take some time.
Opening the door, I was caught off guard at what I saw. The woman was up, but was still seated on her bed with the stack of blankets covering the bottom half of her body. For a minute, I thought she was feeling better already, when I noticed her coughing more than she should be. Walking closer, I saw her form trembling, most probably because she was cold, and was nowhere near the 'getting well' state. Immediately I kneeled at her side, and took a grip on her shoulder and placed my other hand on her forehead. Softly, she gasped, as she slowly turned her head to look at me. And just by looking at her, it made me feel sick as well. Her eyes looked dull, and slightly red, as her cheeks displayed the same color, but a bit darker. For a second, she remained the same, until the sight of my face was able to process in her mind as her eyes grew big. By that time, I already got her temperature, and knew that it was still high, judging from how hot she was.
"S-senpai… Camus-s-senpai… I… wha… What are you—"
"Shush woman. Don't say anything. You barely have the energy to even breathe properly." I said, cutting her off as she struggled to express her unorganized thoughts. Her voice was soft, and unstable. She was trembling from the coldness she felt, and her eyelids were starting to fall. She was as hot as fire for crying out loud! And here she is trying to speak to me?
'Hai… this person… really doesn't know when to stop, does she? This is exactly why she always ends up putting herself at risk.' I though, my eyes narrowed as I let out a frustrated sigh. Though, looking at her again, I knew she was trying hard not to fall back into bed. She continued to look at me, as a hint of confusion crossed her face. Then at the next second, she looked away; her head down. For a while, she stayed this way, as all I could do was observe her. After a minute, I stood up, and asked her, "How are you feeling? Do you still feel dizzy?"
Turning her head to face mine, she shook her head, and answered with an almost in audible voice, "Mm. I'm okay."
For a moment, I thought of all the irony that was in her reply. She said that despite knowing she really wasn't okay, just by listening to the sound of her voice. I had the urge to say that she wasn't how she said she was, but that would only defeat the purpose of asking. She only grew weaker than she already was. I didn't want to make her feel dead.
"Alright then, if you say so. I'll be going back to the kitchen to finish you lunch for today, so while I'm at it, don't get up, or move around. Just go ahead and lie down if you want, but don't fall asleep."
Without waiting for her reply, I began walking towards the door, and out of the room to put the final ingredient on the Okayu. Getting hold of the knob, I twisted it, then pulled the door open; stepping out as I did so. And pushing the door closed, I went straight for the kitchen; without another glance at the woman, before I left her for a bit.
Harukas's POV
As I reached my hand out to call for him, I opened my mouth a little. I wanted to ask him a few things, and express my gratitude to him. I wanted to reassure him that I really was alright, since I noticed that a while ago he didn't seem to believe me. But even then, he mentioned nothing. So I waited; I waited for words to come out. But unfortunately, I wasn't able to find both the courage and strength to stop him; I didn't want to be more of a bother to him than I already was.
Grabbing my stuffed teddy bear, I took it into my arms, then squeezed it with the very few energy I had left. I felt so weak, so useless; I felt like… a person who couldn't accomplish anything, or even so much as do something right. At this very moment, I am unable to do anything. I have caused trouble for all of those around me, especially Mikaze-senpai and Camus-senpai. Honestly, I don't even know why Camus-senpai is here, or how he knew about my situation in the first place. But, most probably Mikaze-senpai had to ask him to take care of me, since as far as I remember, Mikaze-senpai still had work to attend to.
'Ahh… I really am the worst. I'm always relying on my seniors, and they've been helping me all this time. While all I've ever done was saying a few words of gratitude. I… I never got to properly repay them for all the help they gave me. All I did… was ask and ask, not paying attention to what they had to do, and how they felt. I was always frail, even as a child. And until now, I still am. And even up to this point, I still seem like a child; a child who still needs the help of someone else, every single minute of each day. And like a child, all I ever did and was cry; cry about how painful it was to hear such words, cry about how it hurt to be sick, cry about how the cold almost broke my bones, cry about anything… and everything. I even tear up at the sight of myself being useless, and a bother to everyone around me, because I know that doing that causes pain and struggle for them too, even though they don't show it most of the time.'
'Even with what happened last night. That was… that was my entire fault. If I had known there would be a storm, then I would have told Mikaze-senpai to meet during some other time. If I weren't foolish enough to wait that long without so much as calling him, I would have stopped him from going out there in the cold. If I… if I wasn't so selfish, this wouldn't even be happening. I wouldn't have been stuck out there, Mikaze-senpai wouldn't have to get himself harmed, everyone wouldn't have to waste their time looking around and not being able to rest, then Camus-senpai wouldn't have to sacrifice a big part of his rest day just to be here, in order to take care of me. No matter how much someone were to look at the situation or from what angle, it would always end up being my fault. I know I shouldn't be thinking so negatively, because my grandmother always said that if I did, it would be bad for my heart, but… who in the world could possibly think of the bright sides of every situation, when there aren't any? No matter how much I look at all this, nothing good seems to come to sight. There's nothing good about being weak, sensitive, and irresponsible. There's nothing good about being an idiot, and being inconsiderate of others. There's nothing good about being selfish. There's nothing good about being sick.'
'There's nothing good about being pathetic.'
My thoughts, these thoughts; they were killing me slowly, as they brought me down below the earth and through darkness where I knew was the only place I was worthy of being in. Most probably this only made this sickness of mine worse, or maybe only my head. It was throbbing, as my left eye started to ache. And in no more than a second, I felt tears flowing out of that certain eye I had that couldn't see, along with the other one, who still had a chance to see what's left in the world for me. Disappointed in myself, I tried to stop, I tried to fight it; I tried to stop the tears from flowing. But, it was no use.
Letting out a little sniff, I cried some more, until the sniffing sounds I made caused ringing noises in my ears. My eyes widened at the intense pain I felt that gradually got stronger as many of the unwanted memories I had came back to me against my will. Immediately I covered my ears, and winced at the pain more focused on my right ear; the deaf one. My teeth grinded, as my eyes shut tight. And when darkness came before me, that was when I saw it.
In front of me was a little girl, her hands covering her ears as she stood low; carefully sinking to the ground as those who surrounded her drew closer. The place seemed dark, despite the light that caused all those shadows. Everything was deprived of its color, only leaving a black and white effect on the scene. It was strange, how some of them had their mouths moving, when I couldn't hear a thing, but silent music. The simple piano tune gave out a sad yet terrifying aura, as the feeling became familiar to me. Witnessing this, I started feel even more scared, as things started to get worse. Even without hearing a word from any of them, strangely, I knew what they were saying, and could understand how hurting they were. Confused at why they were saying such cruel things to the harmless girl, I wanted to help, and attempted to make a move, when suddenly, I saw rocks flying across my view. It was them again. Instead of looking at the rest of the children, I looked at her; the one in the middle, being attacked and unguarded. And every time a rock landed on her bare skin, I would always wince at the strong impact, and would also feel hints of pain, until her wounds increased, and my pain did the same. For a second, I thought of, and wondered why this was so.
'Why…? Why am I feeling the same thing she is? Who… who is she? Who is this little girl? It's like… it's like we're connected somehow...'
Gasping, I realized… this little girl in front of me, the girl who had to endure such harsh words and such paralyzing pain, the one who had no strength to fight for herself, and no chance of getting away… this girl… it's me.
This is me.
"Stop… stop! Please stop… I'm sorry." I pleaded, my voice trembling in fear that was extremely, and painfully familiar. Everything was coming back to me now; the pain, the hardships, the offensive words, and the memories I tried so hard to live with and forget, they were all fresh in my memory now. It was like it just happened yesterday. All the pain and suffering I had to go through, the disadvantages I had, and the burden my grandmother had to carry in the place of my parents, all of them, together with what's happening now, made me question the purpose of my life. From here on I could finally hear what they were saying, and felt like I was living up the past once more. And analyzing their words now, I thought about them.
"What a useless freak."
"You weirdo!"
"Loser!"
"Hahahaha! What kind of kid is born with only one eye and ear working?"
"Are you even supposed to be here?"
"Get lost!"
Those were some of few I could clearly hear, and reflecting on them, they actually had a point. I really am useless, because I have never done nor can I do anything right. I'm weird because I'm not normal, and accomplishing like everybody else. I can't even do so much as to walk without tripping! I was never worthy of being in this world, breathing the same air everybody else was.
'People would say, "Past is past. What's important is the present." This usually serves as a motivation to look at the present, which can always lead to a better tomorrow, and can help in forgetting the past which is already done. But, what's the use of looking at what's before you to forget the past, when the two are just the same? No matter what I say, or what I do, people still find fault; both then and now. I'm still the same old quiet, anxious, and unconfident girl like before. I haven't changed a bit.'
'I know that these hardships of mine, and the pain I'm going through should be my tool into leading myself to changing for the better, but… I have already been pushed down to the deepest point of the ocean floor, and what I am experiencing now is just making things even worse, as it steals bits and bits of the tiny bubbles of air I have left. What's the use of trying, when I'm not even given I chance to try anymore? I… I don't know what I should do anymore. I don't even know if I should do something.'
By this time, I was already crouching down on the floor, my two hands on my ears. With my eyes wide open, I saw the scene vanish before me, as darkness took its place. Around me, water started to evolve, until I was completely sunken into it. I was scared, terrified, of what might happen, and what was to come. And somehow, this body of water surrounding me, felt like all of my greatest fears, and all the pain and hardships I have faced and may soon have to face again. I feared the sight of failure, and placing burdens on everybody else's shoulders. I feared pain, and the feeling of my very own tears sliding down across my face. I feared everything. I feared the world, for it was slowly taking the life out of me; drowning me for I had no purpose in this world to begin with. Despite knowing this, I was scared. I didn't want to disappear just like that, because I wanted to change; I wanted to make it up to everyone.
'I don't want to be left here in darkness, just to disappear and leave the world without accomplishing a thing. I don't want to… I can't! I have to change; I have to make it up to everyone! I have to finish my seniors' song, I have to repay Mikaze-senpai and Camus-senpai for their kindness, I have to show Rei-chan and Kurosaki-senpai that I'm alright; that I'm not as frail as everyone thinks I am.'
I thought of more uplifting things, in order to push myself not to fail everybody else. I didn't want my seniors, or anybody to feel pain because of me; because of my incapability of doing things right.
'I have to prove myself… for them, for my seniors.'
Though despite all this big talk, I was still afraid; afraid of not being able to do it, afraid of everybody's anger and disappointment; afraid failure, afraid of falling. Although I knew that if I kept on trying, I could still give myself a small chance. This was what my grandmother always said.
' If I don't… I don't know what I'll do. I have to do this… for them. I have to do something.'
So I made it a point to push myself, or else nothing will happen. Extra studying, late night work, lessening my rest periods, anything that could help me improve my performance.
'You can do this Haruka, you have to. If you don't, then it will not only take a toll on you, but on everybody else as well, and you don't want that.'
But even if this goal of mine reassured me, there were still tears streaming down on my face; I was still afraid.
"I don't want to disappear… I don't want to disappear… I don't want to disappear… I DON'T WANT TO DISAPEAR!"
"Hey!" a voice exclaimed, as I felt big, strong hands taking a grip on my shoulders. The person who held me straightened me up, and faced me in another direction, which was the right. From there, the first thing I saw was a pair of familiar ice blue eyes. They showed a hint of seriousness, and a lot of irritation and confusion. That was when I knew, and was sure the pair belonged to Camus-senpai. My eyes widened, as I was shocked with his sudden movement. Loosening his grip, his eyes softened a little, which surprised me just as much as the sudden outburst a few moments ago did.
"What happened? Why are you crying?" he suddenly asked. Honestly, I didn't know what I was doing, nor can that be explained briefly and in simple terms. I had no clue on what to say… I was at a loss of words.
"I… I…"
Camus' POV
After I left the room and back to the kitchen, I let the Okayu cool down for a few more minutes, before cracking a raw egg and placing its yolk on top of the rice. I still wasn't satisfied though. No matter how much I looked at this Japanese dish, all it seemed to me was rice and water, nothing more. And yet, it took me almost two hours just to finish it, and I wasn't even supposed to cook the egg.
'Who would food like this?' I thought, narrowing my eyes at the bowl of Okayu. But there was obviously no time to be picky, since I wasn't the one who had to it this anyway, so I went ahead with getting the tray and spoon before taking the meal to her room. Once all were in place, I picked up the tray with both hands and began walking back to her room yet again.
Approaching her bed room door, I opened it slowly but stopped probably just when the opening was just a few inches wide because of the unexpected sniffing sounds I heard. My first guess was that she had a cold, though as quick time passed, I could hear her muffled voice; making it obvious that she really was crying. She was talking to herself.
Although her words weren't clear, there were some of them that successfully entered my range of hearing. "Stop… Please stop… I'm sorry." she said. Immediately, I started to wonder why she was saying such words when I was completely sure she was alone. She couldn't possibly be talking on the phone or her cell phone; if she was having this kind of conversation. If she were experiencing some kind of problem, then I or Mikaze and the rest would have known by the now. But, so far we have no information on her having ties with another person outside of agency grounds; her grandmother was another story. She already died after all.
Knowing it was wiser not to immediately jump to conclusions, I remained there, and stayed put as I further listened for clues as to why she was crying. Suddenly entering the scene wouldn't be the best option. That will most probably shock her, based on previous encounters. And in a sensitive situation such as this, shocking her wouldn't serve as a solution. I didn't want her to cry even more.
As I stood there, motionless, I awaited more of her confusing monologues. But so far, all I could hear was more of her crying. This lasted for quite a long time, maybe five to ten minutes or so. In between those minutes, I have had urges to simply enter her room and ask her what was wrong, though considering me and my relationship with her, that move wouldn't have such a great effect. Either she would take it the wrong way and feel sorry for nothing, or feel too conscious enough to be cooperative; both are possible. So, I continued waiting; waiting for her to say something, or for her to at least calm herself down so I can speak to her properly when I enter the room. Though I was hoping this wouldn't take any longer, because my hands were getting tired from holding the tray, and the Okayu was getting cold.
'She's still crying…' I thought, becoming a little concerned for the woman. So far, I've never seen, or heard her cry this much, and what's worse is that I'm not even aware of the reason. If she was worried about Mikaze or disappointed in herself, her crying session surely wouldn't take this long, because I knew even a person like her isn't that sensitive. Another guess of mine was that she felt pain; physical pain, that is. Though, judging from the way she was letting out her cries, and what she previously said, she didn't sound like something in her body was painful. She actually sounded like someone was publicly humiliating her instead of beating her up from head to toe.
I tried, and thought hard for some logical enough reason as to why she was crying.
'She can't be dreaming… she was awake when I left her. No one else seems to be in there together with her, so it can't be because of someone else.'
'She isn't talking on the phone because if she was, she wouldn't be crying to much… no, wait… possibility that someone called her a while ago, which resulted to her speaking a few words, before the person on the other line put down the phone, leaving her speechless and crying.'
Bringing up the theory I had a while ago, it did have some sense into it, but… the situation sounded like a cliché holdup scene from a movie. That certain detail was my only problem. Surely she would immediately tell me if the one being taken hostage was someone I knew, although since she did not stand up to get me or call out my name at the very least, I doubt it's that.
'Though it still depends on the situation…'
There were many, many possibilities swarming within this brain I had, and with the little time I had, I was starting to get irritated, and finally gave up. Nothing was going to happen if I just stood there, listening to cries and sniffs, while thinking of a good reason and explanation as to why she was doing so. I have waited long enough, so I was sure the time I gave her to let out tears and calm herself down was sufficient. Well, I was sure… yet I wasn't, because she hasn't calmed down at all since the time I found her like this. But even with that, I had no other choice but to go in and interrupt her moment, or else I won't be able to spare her wasted energy and time crying when she should be eating by now.
Opening the door wider, I stepped inside, and placed the tray on the table, before switching my view to the woman. Naturally, I was expecting a face of shock, or slight embarrassment, together with reddened eyes and a trail of tears covering her face. Though apparently, those weren't what my eyes met. What I saw before me was a crouched down girl with a stuffed animal in her arms. She wasn't moving much, save for the movement in her shoulders and the trembling.
'Huh… she doesn't seem to notice me. Also, why is she trembling? Is she cold? Or is it because of her crying?'
Approaching her, I called out to her, making sure not to make my voice too loud. "Woman." I said, waiting for some sort of reply or a small gesture to show that she knew I was here. Looking at her closely, nothing happened. It was like she was in her very own sad world at the moment, and it was starting to annoy me and worry me at the same time. I sighed.
"Why must you cry at a time like this? You're already down with a fever, and you're only straining your body even more letting out all those tears. Come on, stop it already. I'm sure your eyes are extremely red by now." I said, making my voice louder this time, hoping it would finally catch her attention. Again, I awaited her response, as I walked even closer to her until I was a few meters from her side. Still, there was nothing; no response, no gesture, no change in movement pattern. It was as if she has earphones on, and was trying to stop the whole world from getting to her. My eyes then glued onto her form, as I continued to observe her.
Consuming about five minutes with just unsuccessfully trying to catch her attention and waiting for a response, I was beginning to grow impatient. I was confident enough to assure myself that this woman wasn't mentally disabled, so this kind of behavior bothered me quite a bit. The rain only made things worse. It started just a moment ago, together with a few thunder roars and lightning cracks. Looking outside, the sight of rain wasn't really a big help at the moment, so I decided to shut the curtains, before focusing on the woman again.
'Oh good grief, I hope this woman isn't afraid of thunder and lightning.'
Putting a hand on my forehead, I crossed both eyebrows, as my eyes closed tight in complete stress. All I planned for today was a relaxing time with me, my tea together with my sweets, and my stack of books. I should be sitting on my comforting chair at the moment, not here in someone else's room, trying to comfort that certain someone. I was great at many things, but making a crying woman feel better wasn't one of them. At this point, she didn't even seem like a woman anymore. She looked like a lost child who doesn't know how to throw tantrums and call for help. I was at my limit, and I obviously couldn't wait much longer. She needed to eat, and drink her medicine in order to get rid of that persistent fever of hers, or else she won't be able to finish whatever she has to. She hasn't even answered my questions, nor has she heard them yet.
Planning to give her a wakeup call my lightly hitting her head, I took a step closer, and raised my hand. Ready to make a landing, my hands was just about to hit her head as it swung down before I heard muttered words escape her mouth. Immediately I backfired, and waited for her to repeat those words, or at least spit out something else. I needed to know if she was alright, or if she was asleep, or if she really was just recalling a bunch of awful things that have happened in her life… if ever she had any.
"I don't want to disappear…" was what she said, or at least what I thought she said. Squeezing her stuffed animal tighter than she already was, she repeated her sentence, but with her voice volume increased.
"I don't want to disappear."
'"I don't want to disappear."? What could she possibly mean by that? Was she really dreaming? Did she really fall asleep again in just ten minutes or less? For the love of sweets my gosh… what is it this time?'
Narrowing my eyes at her, I observed her as I questioned her words and her reason for saying such. Again, I tried to get her to wake up from whatever dream she was having. And when silence filled the room for a split second, I thought she would just say the same thing, in the same manner, all over again until I finally get the chance to deprive her of this… nightmare she was having. But instead, I was faced with a sudden outburst.
"I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPEAR!"
Shocked, I had no time to think and abruptly took hold of her shoulders and straightened her up in order for me to see her face. Her scream sounded like a mix of fear, depression, and anger. It was like she was about to drown in the middle of an endless ocean, or was about to get washed away by the waves going to the seashore. To me, if I were to put what she said in a more straight forward-like sentence, it would be, "I don't want to die." Though hopefully, she meant something else, because being able to say something like that would only mean she could actually picture how she's going to die, or have a clue on when. Being her senior, she was no one more to me than simply a partner at work, so there were many times I paid no attention to her. But this was different. Whatever she meant or whatever she was talking about, I needed her to forget about it. Her fever might rise to a more fatal degree if she doesn't.
"Hey!" I exclaimed, my hands around her shoulders and squeezing them tightly, but not too much. Not sparing a moment of silence, I asked, "What happened? Why are you crying?" as my eyes stared deeply at her orange-colored ones. Though they were more reddish than orange… it didn't suite her.
With her eyes wide open, she returned the look, and began staring at me as well. I wanted to immediately get to scolding her and bombarding her with all the questions I could think of, but… I couldn't right now; a part of me didn't have the energy to do so. It was strange, because even though I knew I had anger welling I inside me, another part of me wanted her to relax, and calm down. Apparently a small part of me was worried about her, which was why I let her go for now. I wasn't used to it, but it was for the sake of her well-being.
"I… I…"
"…"
"…"
"Well? I what? Go on, tell me. Are you alright? I was sure I left you feeling fine, so what happened? Don't tell me you fell asleep again just like that and started up a nightmare…" I asked, letting go of the grip I had on her as I sighed once again. Taking a seat on the edge of her bed next to her, I crossed both arms above my chest; my eyes never leaving her small figure that continued to look at me in shock and confusion. Having more questions and words above my sleeve, I planned to let them all out when she suddenly shook her head.
Having no idea what that meant in particular, I replied, "What? No? You're not alright?"
Silence.
"Hai… Nanami, answer me properly. I need to know. Your fever is already extremely high, and if we don't resolve this first, you won't be able to eat and drink your medicine. Just tell me what's wrong."
This was the first time I've used this tone of voice to anyone. I only spoke like this to the queen, because she was who I valued most. But, having to leave myself this vulnerable before I person with not much importance to me…
'This woman better prepare herself… I will prepare a lecture so long she might die because of it.'
Though, for now, I had to disregard myself, and focus on her. From the looks of it, she was ready to finally speak up, so I prepared for what she might say.
"I… I'm…"
Fortunately, her words were starting to become clearer, and easier for me to hear. But just when she was about to continue, tears started swelling up around her eyes again. I wanted to sigh, but held it in, and simply narrowed my eyes at the sight. I was very, very confused now. I wasn't sure if the thought of whatever she was thinking of while ago was the reason as to why those tears were emerging again or I was. Though I allowed her to continue, thinking the only reason she didn't have the strength to speak was because I was the one who always had something to say. So I waited, and waited, until her tears fell, and her eyes looked straight into mine as she said, "I'm sorry… Ca-Camus-senpai..."
"I'M SORRY!" she shouted, as quickly removed the stack of blankets on top of her and wrapped her arms around me. I was completely surprised, and was caught off guard. I never knew she was the type of person who would rather do this than simply talk instead. But despite that, I didn't push her away. And although I wasn't fully comfortable with the idea, I decided to go ahead and put an arm around her waist, as I whispered…
"This fever really is taking its toll on you."
Yay! Finished-! X3 So, I hope this chapter was good enough for you guys. (even though I'm confident that it isn't. ^_^")
Oh, and by the way, if you don't know what Okayu is, it's that Japanese rice porridge thingy you (probably) have seen in animes... especially when one of the characters has a fever. :3
It's a dish very recommendable to people with common sicknesses like cold, fever, etc. ^v^
Also... yeah, I know. Haruka finally hugged someone, yup yup. And Camus hugged her back... kinda...
But still... KYAA! X3
Haha ok weird I'm fangirling about my own fanfic. .
Anyway, I'll catch you guys later! (hopefully sooner... like I always say... hehe...)
Bye! XD