Jackson and Allegheny went to church Wednesday night. He couldn't help stealing glances at her throughout to engage her emotional reaction to the message of the cross. Her face betrayed nothing, however.
When it was over, she told him, "I want to talk to this preacher fellow."
So they waited until the church cleared out, which took awhile because the people enjoyed talking to one another and everyone seemed to want to say hello to her and tell her how glad they were she'd come.
"My wife would like to speak with you," Jackson said to the pastor when at last they were the only ones left.
She was annoyed at him for speaking for her. "Alone," she added, in case he thought he was coming in with them.
"That'd be fine. We'll go into my office and, Jackson, you can wait here in the sanctuary."
If the idea of her being alone with a man bothered him, it didn't show. People put too much trust in their spiritual leaders. She shut the door to the office, but the preacher opened it back up just a crack. Apparently the preacher didn't trust himself. It amused her.
A perfect southern gentleman apparently as he waited for her to sit before he took a seat himself and he waited for her to open the conversation.
"I want to know some things before I make up my mind about God. I ain't had much religious instruction. My family never went to church or talked about Him. I did sleep with a reverend once, but we didn't do much talking. He still played the holier-than-thou card afterward. Didn't even acknowledge me when we passed on the street. That's what I know about Christianity."
"I'm sorry to hear that. That was a bad witness and he should have been removed from the pulpit. I'll answer whatever you need to know."
"Fact of it is, I've slept with so many men over the years, I can't even remember some of their names or faces. Does that shock you, preacher?"
He remained unruffled and kind. "No. Not really. You'd be surprised how many people confess their sexual sins to me. I tell you what would surprise me is someone confessing that they loved money. No one ever seems to think they're guilty of that one."
She had been looking to knock him off guard and instead he'd done it to her. She stared at him a few moments and then she laughed. "I reckon because no one ever seems to have enough, especially nowadays, and there's always someone who has more than we do, isn't there? But I'm guilty of that one. Might even love it more than my previous named sin." She spoke lightly, but there was a sharp look in her eye. She was weighing every word he said and every reaction he gave.
"Well, that's the first step is to know you're a sinner. You can't be washed clean if you can't admit that."
"But see I don't think it's that big a deal. What's wrong with loving money? With loving sex?"
"Because loving money leads to other evils like stealing, lying, and even murder. And it interferes with doing what God would have us to do, which is to give a portion of it to those in need. If we let it, it controls us instead of us controlling it. God should be the one we love and serve above all else."
"And sex between two consenting, unmarried people. Who does that hurt?"
"God, the person you're sleeping with, a resulting child sometimes, and yourself. It's a sign of low self esteem if you want my opinion."
"How do you figure that?"
"You don't value yourself or your body or you would save it for the one who committed the rest of his life to you, instead of giving it away like it's nothing. You risk disease and pregnancy and emotional vulnerability for a person who might not even call you the next day. Sex is not dirty or bad, but it's not all that it could be unless it happens between a loving husband and a wife. It's special and deserves special treatment. And there's a spiritual aspect to it too. Our bodies were given to us by God and He wants us to honor Him with them. Sins are sins because they hurt God, us, and the people around us. Rules, especially rules given by our Lord, are not to suck the fun out of our lives but to keep us safe and content."
"I had fun before I got married. The city I came from was full of people to meet and things to do."
"Really? My guess is you fill your life with a whirlwind of activity because that keeps you from thinking on how unsatisfied you are."
She was startled because it was the very same conclusion she had come to in Knoxville. She was still filled with doubt though. "How do I change?"
"You don't. You let God do that. You let the Holy Spirit in and He begins to work a change in you. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. You won't find any other way that works."
And longing began to replace what had only been curiosity before. "What do I do?"
"Talk to Him. Tell him how sorry you are. Just ask Him to come into you, into your life, and He will because He loves you."
"That doesn't sound so hard." It sounded very easy. Too easy.
"No, it ain't. It's people that try and make it hard. Salvation is so simple that children can understand and receive it."
So she prayed the first prayer of her life silently with the preacher looking on happily. And that was it. And yet, it was everything.
She felt clean, renewed, like He really had washed her sins away. She was surprised by how loved she felt just then. It was more loved than a man could make her feel and it was more than she had loved herself. The term Christians threw around about being born again suddenly had meaning.
But if she was a new person, why then did she still feel no love for the man waiting on her? Why, when Jackson stood and looked at her with a hopeful look when she came out, could she not so much as muster a smile at him?